Calling off the wedding

[Mummyto4WM]

Hi ladies,
I'm at a total loss. My partner and I are due to get married in December. Things over the last 6 months have been really hard.

In short, his boss is his ex-MIL who hates that he's moved on. She's so heavily involved in his life. Then there's his family, he communicates with the 24/7. He is so reliant on them and they are in control. For example, we chose to move to a new area (15 min drive away) and his mother disagreed and was bombarding him with houses on her road for sale. He then suggested we abandon our plans.

We had a major fall out. And I said some unpleasant things. He ran off to tell his family. They were never keen on me anyway and now are venomous. They squeeze me out of everything. I want to call off the wedding, he doesnt. The guests are 70% his and I know I'll feel rejected at my own wedding.

I dont know what to do for the best?

We started couples counselling and it's been positive for the relationship. He's starting to listen and recognise the barriers in the relationship. He's saying cancelling the wedding is a backwards step.

Better call it off than a horrible divorce.

Was it you or him who suggested the counselling? And how much is he liking it?

If it was your idea then I fear he’ll soon dodge the counselling after the wedding.

I don’t think cancelling the wedding is a step backwards like he says. The opposite, I think having the wedding will be cancelling any future progression as the motivation will ebb away.

@Mummyto4WM this is supposed to be the BEST bit of your life/relationship

if you’re crying every night, ALREADY in therapy, and you’re not even married, this IS NOT EVER going to work.

he’s supposedly on best behaviour now, it WILL only ever get worse

cancel the wedding and end the relationship, you’re miserable and he’s going through the motions.

ADDED to this, he is enmeshed in both his own family and his ex-il. It will never ever change.

rip the plaster off, you will feel better, you will rise, you will look back on this in horror at what you almost settled for.

If you deem therapy necessary before your wedding then I'm afraid it's just not meant to be.

I called a wedding off once, 6 months before when everything was booked and it turned out to be the best thing I ever did.

And he needs a new job!

I think this penny is dropping. I tried to be super tolerant of the MIL and his ex-MIL for so long because I was telling myself, everyone has different relationships with their parents. I didn't want to be the one who was seen as "controlling". But I'm just building so much resentment for his family, and probably him, hence the big argument we had.

Definitely at least postpone the wedding (open ended regards date for now).

You are already dreading what should be the happiest day of your life. But the wedding is just one day. You're already getting an insight into what the marriage will be like - please don't tie yourself to this family until a lot changes (and stays changed).

You are fortunate that you have come to the realisation that you aren't compatible before the wedding.

It sounds to me like he can't be arsed to do any thinking or talking or doing for himself so he's surrounded himself with people to do that for him. And he was hoping that you were also going to forfill that role. He's got two mammies telling him what do do and say and think and now he wants you to do that too so he can just swan around like he's eight years old.

I hear you. However, I think there is quite a negative view of therapy being displayed on this post.

He had a messy divorce previously and imo if we would have started the relationship with couples counselling rather than having it as a knee jerk reaction to a problem. Our foundations would have been better. I don't see going into couples counselling as a negative thing and would also advocate it for anyone getting into a relationship with someone that has an insecure attachment type.

You’ve had one therapy session and he’s seen the light, for now. Just wait until he’s got you agreeing to marrying him and everything returns to how it was before. Anyone can say that they’ve changed, but until you actually see long term change I wouldn’t believe it in the slightest.

Postpone the wedding as it sounds like you have a lot of things to work through. If he’s committed to go to counselling then it sounds like things can change and improve in the long run. However, don’t rush into getting married in December. When you do get married you could elope. If he is keen to sort things out then he will be understanding of this. Do not agree to buy a house closer to the Mil. He needs to be setting firm boundaries for his family.

Call it off. You don't want the rest of your life to be like this.

People don't change. If anything, they get more set in their ways as they get older.

Bear in mind that this is the very best that your relationship will be. Marriage is hard work. If you're already having to deal with this kind of stuff BEFORE you get married, then I'm afraid you're on a hiding to nothing.

Calling off a wedding really is no big deal when compared to getting divorced. I know which one I'd choose.

Imagine all of this with children (if they’re part of your plan) OP

Please call this wedding off. A wise old lady once said to me when getting married first review the family before anything because the apple doesn't fall far from the tree and then his relationship with his family. You will only then see clearly how your future will unfold within this dynamic. You've got your answer, you know the answer.

Ye Gods. For goodness sake, do not marry this man.

He should be marrying you so that you and him are a family unit together. Is there some unhealthy co-dependency issues between him and his mum? Emotional guilt and pressure.

Moving 15 minutes away is nothing. Suggest moving across the country and check out his reaction! Is he a keeper if his loyalties are with mummy and not you?

You suggested calling off the wedding

hes done 5 minutes of counselling & 'changed'

Don't be naive. Anyone can 'behave' for 5 minutes to get what they want.

Call off the wedding.

THEN see how he behaves, if he keeps up the councelling, how he deals with his family, IF he starts growing up, etc etc

nothing to stop you getting married in the future, but frankly you'd be better off walking away from this awful situation.

Do not get married in Dec.

Has he any covert narcissistic traits? People from this kind of family background often do.

You should be aware that this change could easily reverse after a heart to heart with his mum. And you could end up the bad guy but trapped.

Your happiness shouldn't be dictated my his learning curve.

It strikes me that he wants to get married so it suits him to have an epiphany right now. That fragile person making you feel like you should help him grow isn't thinking of you and how uncertain you are about marrying him.

If he's learning and changing, part of that should be recognising that you no longer want to marry him in the near future as a consequence of the relationship having been so difficult. But you are committed to reaching a place where it will be sensible to go ahead with.

100%, his mother always favoured his younger brother, who then moved 100s of miles away, got married and had a baby. He's since been trying to win his mothers approval, so runs every decision by her for her to say "well done son"

Earlier in the relationship, we'd wake up and she'd let herself in and start cleaning. I questioned him on it and he replied "oh she doesn't usually do this, she just really wants to impress and this relationship to go well" ... 18 months later I realised she actually did wipe his arse, and this was a normal routine.

Call it off.
Do you really want to live like this for the rest of your life? Because that's what will happen. You will be tied to that man and his family for life or until you finally see the light and get a divorce.
Save yourself all the hassle and don't marry him and don't be taken in because he's making all the right noises after one therapy session.

Having to go to couples counselling before you are even married is a very bad sign. I would definitely postpone this wedding for minimum of 2 years. Then I would reappraise, if nothing has changed regarding the in-laws then I would cancel it completely. Also, I would expect him to get a new job, one MIL is enough for anyone let alone 2

Definitely cancel or postpone the wedding.

You might find you don't actually want to marry him once you've worked all the stuff out even if currently you feel you're moving in the right direction. Either way, you both need the time to work that out.

If you do decide to get married, I'd make it a quiet affair, just the two of you and witnesses. You'll hate your wedding day otherwise if 70% of the guests are his family!
Having said that, I'd only agree to still marrying him if he moves further away and understands that he can't be so enmeshed in his family and that he won't tolerate them being nasty to you.

Otherwise you've got a married life of misery ahead of you.

This.

You're supposed to be excited about marrying. Things are supposed to be right and close to perfect. This is not the case for you.

No matter what changes your p makes, will his family ever change?? I'd reconsider the relationship for that reason alone: toxic in-laws are no joke.