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Original poster

Calling off the wedding

109 replies

Mummyto4WM · 13/07/2024 07:52

Hi ladies,
I'm at a total loss. My partner and I are due to get married in December. Things over the last 6 months have been really hard.

In short, his boss is his ex-MIL who hates that he's moved on. She's so heavily involved in his life. Then there's his family, he communicates with the 24/7. He is so reliant on them and they are in control. For example, we chose to move to a new area (15 min drive away) and his mother disagreed and was bombarding him with houses on her road for sale. He then suggested we abandon our plans.

We had a major fall out. And I said some unpleasant things. He ran off to tell his family. They were never keen on me anyway and now are venomous. They squeeze me out of everything. I want to call off the wedding, he doesnt. The guests are 70% his and I know I'll feel rejected at my own wedding.

I dont know what to do for the best?

We started couples counselling and it's been positive for the relationship. He's starting to listen and recognise the barriers in the relationship. He's saying cancelling the wedding is a backwards step.

OP posts:
Eyesopenwideawake · 13/07/2024 07:55

Absolutely call it off, or at least postpone until he's had (not agreed to have) therapy and is his own man rather than a puppet to his parents.

A divorce is far more expensive and damaging than a non wedding.

Civilservant · 13/07/2024 07:57

Yes, cancel!

PersephonePomegranate23 · 13/07/2024 07:58

Eyesopenwideawake · 13/07/2024 07:55

Absolutely call it off, or at least postpone until he's had (not agreed to have) therapy and is his own man rather than a puppet to his parents.

A divorce is far more expensive and damaging than a non wedding.

Absolutely this.

Don't ignore this feeling, it's not just cold feet or nerves, they're completely valid concerns about this man.

whathasitgottodowiththepriceofoliveoil · 13/07/2024 07:58

Run!

DontBiteTheCat · 13/07/2024 07:59

Do not marry this man.

He’s already given you a glimpse of what your life will look like if you do.

AppleCream · 13/07/2024 08:00

Postpone it until next year, but only if he agrees to buy a house significantly further than 15 mins away - otherwise cancel it. Continue to go to counselling.

Original poster
Mummyto4WM · 13/07/2024 08:03

After the 1st therapy session, it's like he had a penny drop moment around communication. He would always criticise me for not communication.

The therapist made us do a quiz - are you a good communicator? He scored 1 out of 10. I scored 9 out of 10. He now accepts his lack of communication (he never listened and talked over me all the time) caused the big argument we had. He apologises but it doesn't change the fact he's caused a bigger divide between his family and I. His family think the sun shines out of his arse, and that im the enemy.

I cry every night at the prospect of getting married and becoming part of his family.

OP posts:
WindowViper · 13/07/2024 08:06

I cry every night at the prospect of getting married and becoming part of his family.

So don’t!!!

Honestly, don’t make yourself unhappy for the rest of the life in order to avoid some short term admin.

GrumpyPanda · 13/07/2024 08:08

If it were otherwise a good relationship you could always elope. But it sounds like there's a DP issue first and foremost.

ABitLow · 13/07/2024 08:10

Do not marry this man. Call off the wedding and walk away.

You already know that this marriage would make you miserable - get out now - it’s harder to do later.

Original poster
Mummyto4WM · 13/07/2024 08:10

WindowViper · 13/07/2024 08:06

I cry every night at the prospect of getting married and becoming part of his family.

So don’t!!!

Honestly, don’t make yourself unhappy for the rest of the life in order to avoid some short term admin.

The thing is, I'm falling back in love with him, since we started counselling, so I don't want him to think by not marrying him (and his family) means I don't want him, because the change journey he's on, is positive. The big move is due the end of this month and I hope the apron strings break.

I will still struggle with his family. I'll never be part of his family. I don't want their last name. I don't want them making snide remarks ruining my wedding day.

OP posts:
CaveMum · 13/07/2024 08:12

Run away. Run fast and run far.

you will never be good enough in his family’s eyes and he will never put you first. He’s showing you that now, believe him when he shows you who he is. He won’t change.

This should be one of the happiest times of your life, the run up to a wedding. It should not be this hard. Do you really want the rest of your life to be this miserable because that’s what you are facing if you stay with this man.

Original poster
Mummyto4WM · 13/07/2024 08:13

GrumpyPanda · 13/07/2024 08:08

If it were otherwise a good relationship you could always elope. But it sounds like there's a DP issue first and foremost.

I'm really independent. .. and he's a boy that hasn't yet put his big boy pants on alone. I think that's becoming more apparent now we are making bigger decisions around wedding, money and a house.

Even if I said, can you call the solicitor for an update, he'll respond saying "what shall I say to them?"

OP posts:
CedarFence · 13/07/2024 08:16

I cry every night at the prospect of getting married and becoming part of his family.

You have started a process that you feel is helpful to your relationship. Wouldn’t it be best to continue with that without the pressure of having to get it all sorted before a wedding day?

He had a lot of work to do. He needs to communicate with his family, be straight with them that you are his chosen life partner and they need to respect and support his choice. And he needs to unpick why he runs to them , and learn to lay down boundaries.

I would tell him that you will not go through a wedding day where 70% of guests treat you as the enemy. Or be in a marriage where his family pull his strings. And that your marriage will be so much stronger if you wait until you have finished the counselling that is helping you both.

Another alternative is to call off the big wedding and do it just the two of you.

But that doesn’t protect against a life of hostile ILs in the future.

CedarFence · 13/07/2024 08:19

And you definitely don’t need to change your name if you do decide to marry. So many of us haven’t 😉

And I love my ILs.

You can keep your own names.

Or he could change to yours.

TenesseeWhiskey · 13/07/2024 08:21

Eyesopenwideawake · 13/07/2024 07:55

Absolutely call it off, or at least postpone until he's had (not agreed to have) therapy and is his own man rather than a puppet to his parents.

A divorce is far more expensive and damaging than a non wedding.

I agree with the above, if you feel too worried to cancel, postponing (no confirmed date) is the best course of action. Going ahead with the marriage will do nothing but increase your misery.

Then put yourself first in any decision henceforth! If it doesn’t suit you, walk away.

Original poster
Mummyto4WM · 13/07/2024 08:21

CedarFence · 13/07/2024 08:16

I cry every night at the prospect of getting married and becoming part of his family.

You have started a process that you feel is helpful to your relationship. Wouldn’t it be best to continue with that without the pressure of having to get it all sorted before a wedding day?

He had a lot of work to do. He needs to communicate with his family, be straight with them that you are his chosen life partner and they need to respect and support his choice. And he needs to unpick why he runs to them , and learn to lay down boundaries.

I would tell him that you will not go through a wedding day where 70% of guests treat you as the enemy. Or be in a marriage where his family pull his strings. And that your marriage will be so much stronger if you wait until you have finished the counselling that is helping you both.

Another alternative is to call off the big wedding and do it just the two of you.

But that doesn’t protect against a life of hostile ILs in the future.

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond with such compassion. I couldn't agree more with your message.

I'm reflecting now about how I communicated to him the reason for calling it off, and actually I probably made it too negative rather than focusing on the positive journey we are on.

Thank you ❤️

OP posts:
Thunderandlightningisfrightening · 13/07/2024 08:26

If I had cancelled my 1st wedding like I wanted to I would have saved myself years of shite. Honestly if you're not happy cancel.

Blankets85 · 13/07/2024 08:30

When I was around 20 I worked with a woman who was late 40s/50s. Her in-laws had made her life hell. She advised me never end up with someone with a meddling, toxic family. It was a huge regret of hers and I've never forgotten that great piece of advice.

Izzynohopanda · 13/07/2024 08:32

Crying and counselling before the wedding - yes, call it off!

Tel12 · 13/07/2024 08:32

So your soon to be husband is controlled by his ex MiL and his mum? I don't understand how you've let things get this far. He's never going to be an independent guy. Best you can hope for is that you cut the strings but then you'd need to take up the rope iyswim.

GMH1974 · 13/07/2024 08:35

Don't marry him. My husband's family never liked me and it has made things really hard. It's honestly not worth it.

Storyland · 13/07/2024 08:41

Mummyto4WM · 13/07/2024 08:13

I'm really independent. .. and he's a boy that hasn't yet put his big boy pants on alone. I think that's becoming more apparent now we are making bigger decisions around wedding, money and a house.

Even if I said, can you call the solicitor for an update, he'll respond saying "what shall I say to them?"

Show quote history

Are you prepared to spend the rest of your life training him to do things for himself? Because that's what this marriage will be.

If not, then end this and find a partner who is already a functional adult. Or stay single and enjoy being without all this hassle

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/07/2024 08:44

This man is going to need lots of therapy because he is mired in fear, obligation and guilt re his family. Those family members installed those buttons in him. He may well want to read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. He may never change and his inertia hurts him as well as you. I would certainly cancel the wedding and see how the therapy goes for him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/07/2024 08:45

I would also consider ending the relationship as well because he may continue to put them
before you due to misplaced loyalty and obligation.