Calling off the wedding

[Mummyto4WM]

Hi ladies,
I'm at a total loss. My partner and I are due to get married in December. Things over the last 6 months have been really hard.

In short, his boss is his ex-MIL who hates that he's moved on. She's so heavily involved in his life. Then there's his family, he communicates with the 24/7. He is so reliant on them and they are in control. For example, we chose to move to a new area (15 min drive away) and his mother disagreed and was bombarding him with houses on her road for sale. He then suggested we abandon our plans.

We had a major fall out. And I said some unpleasant things. He ran off to tell his family. They were never keen on me anyway and now are venomous. They squeeze me out of everything. I want to call off the wedding, he doesnt. The guests are 70% his and I know I'll feel rejected at my own wedding.

I dont know what to do for the best?

We started couples counselling and it's been positive for the relationship. He's starting to listen and recognise the barriers in the relationship. He's saying cancelling the wedding is a backwards step.

Why did his first marriage end OP?

@Mummyto4WM - DH and I had couples therapy quite early in our relationship because we’d both been single for several years before getting together - we knew we wanted to be together but struggled a bit with certain aspects of our communication. So I agree with you that needing counselling at this stage is not necessarily a death knell for your relationship.

But please postpone the wedding. My ILs are fab and we have a great relationship. I can’t imagine marrying into a family where my ILs are hostile, but my partner remains enmeshed with them, and my partner works for his ex-MIL. You can’t get married when you’re crying at the prospect of involvement with this family. Your partner has allowed it to come to this and there are consequences. Far better that you take marriage off the table for now and give things time (and I mean a few years) for things to properly bed in.

You know the wedding really doesnt matter dont you?

Its the marriage and the rest of your life together.

Continue with the therapy if you both feel it is helping, but be prepared to walk away in the end. Dont let him be your project to fix.

No amount of therapy will improve or change his family.

As for being employed by your ex mother in law.... basing a mortgage on that...😲😲

I was wondering this too. I think the breakdown of his previous relationship is relevant, especially at the ex MIL still seems to be very present. Is repeating the same pattern with you? Why do they see you as the enemy? Was there an overlap? Their reasons for not accepting you are important. If it's something they're never going to get past, you'd be crazy to shackle yourself to them with a husband who won't stand up them and put you first.

If you're in couples counselling at this stage of your relationship, before you've even got married, then that's a definite sign to call things off now!

I wanted to call off my first wedding. Similar story to you in that I found in-laws very intrusive and possessive. Same as you, he had some penny-drop moments and I was in love with him. I just had a gut feeling that it wasn’t right to get married at that point. Lots of tears and internal wrestling later I went through with it and was married for two years, separated for one and then had a divorce to my name. Also, all of those issues that had been there before got worse following ‘I do’. I had so many reasons/excuses not to call it off but deep down I knew it was the right thing to do. I wish I’d listened to that feeling.

Second time around I felt such calmness around getting married. It was just right and that’s as simple as it was. Yes we were in love but the decision to join our lives together was also a logical decision that was the best for both of us. There’s none of the angst and conflict and questioning that was there before and during my first marriage. Having children also solidified how right I was to end my first marriage as my MIL now is someone who I trust and care for as my own family. The idea of my ex-MIL having anything to do with a child of mine let alone looking after them sends shivers down my spine. There seem to be a lot of warning signs in your post but I think what you’ll find hardest is that your DP can’t set boundaries with his families. There were many issues in my first marriage but this was the big one that stopped us being able to properly deal with anything else.

Basing your mortgage payments (his share) on an income that depends on his exMIL is indeed really really risky.

And puts your security in the hands of a woman who resents that he has moved on.

His ex wife was 21 when they married. She was very reliant on her mother. He was always very reliant on his mother. They barely raised their son, due to both their parents being very involved.

Fast forward 10 years, his wife had a long running affair. They are both really Catholic families. She disappeared overnight without the kids. His MIL disowned her daughter. 6 months later she reappeared for the kids and now they share 5050 and are divorced.

In the Bible it states; a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

And I quote, ‘…it is a man's duty to forsake his parents in the sense that he transfers his loyalty from them to his wife. Providing, living with, and caring for her must take priority in his life over doing the same for his parents.’

Now see if this applies or could apply to your “maybe future spouse”? I’d say right now (believer or not) he has a lot of work to do don't you?

He's always said his mum just needs time- as she's overprotective of him due to how his marriage broke down

However, I'm fully aware he runs to his family and overshares. If we fall out (which isn't often) he'll paint his side of the story to them. But also, as I increasingly avoid his family, he's trying to peace keep, so spends less time at theirs. I also suspect they blame my existence on why they live slightly less in each other's pockets. We've been on holiday a few times (with the kids) without his parents. Whilst in his marriage, they would all always holiday together .

Tbh, even if the guy was perfect, I'm not sure I'd want not one, but effectively TWO MILs who disliked me...

Less worried about this. I earn double his income. Plus, he's a teacher and this week had an interview for a new job, it appears to have gone well. It's taken 2.5 years for him to consider moving jobs away from his MIL

Run for the hills. Too many toxic issues to list.

How many kids does he have?

@Mummyto4WM please please please do not get married to this man.

I was once given the advice "When someone shows you who they are, believe them"

You don't have to end the relationship, thought; suspect you know that cancelling the wedding means ending the relationship.

You may also be afraid of the change that ending the relationship will bring. Don't be. Assume that nothing changes (regarding his relationship with his s parents and communication skills) and play the tape forward and imagine where you will be in 5 years from now. (Give that you cry at night, thinking about that prospect, I can be confident that you do not want to be there)

I myself ended an engagement 6 month before the wedding, dress was bought, venue paid for (non-refundable), deposits for catering and flowers all paid also. After being with exDP for 6 years

It was THE hardest thing I ever did, I absolutely still loved him but I just knew that I could not spend the rest of my life with him. I could not be myself fully with him and always held a bit of the real me back.

After ending the engagement (and relationship) I took 3 weeks off work and started 2 years of individual therapy. It was the best thing I have ever done for myself (Thant and quitting drinking).

I know you are worried of what the future might bring with and without him, but please know, you are enough, just as you are.

If you need counselling before a wedding then ut definitely shows you're not ready. If it were me I'd calk the whole thing off permanently!

You must call it off! TBH, it doesn't sound like you are on the same page. All the counselling in the world won't rid you of his meddling, toxic family. Think about what it would be like if you have children together.... If you do stay together, I'd be moving 15 hours away, not 15 minutes. Is he prepared to put that distance between his family to save the relationship?

Call off the wedding.

I've just got married and the wedding day was one of the happiest of my life. That's what it should be.

Yes it's a backwards step, but one triggered by your partner's poor behaviour with his family.

You're absolutely clear that you don't want to marry him right now and you have very good reasons why.

Don't let your partner guilt trip you into keeping the date. It doesn't work for you. He's seeing the consequences of his actions and he doesn't like it. Well...tough!

Keep on with thr counselling but think about whether this is the right relationship for you.

It sounds like you're in love with the person that he could be, if he tried really hard and gained some self-awareness. You can see tiny glimpses of that through your relationship counselling. But honestly, that is never going to happen. It's hard work for him to go from the thoughtless mummy's boy that he is into a proper adult who might value your welfare and happiness as equal to his own. Once you're married he's going to stop trying because he'll have 'caught' you, so no need to try anymore. If he has an ex-MIL then he already has one failed relationship, and he didn't learn to be a better person from that so in all probability nothing that happens in your relationship is going to improve him. It's going to all you doing everything and him and his family blaming you no matter how hard you try.

Throw him back in the sea and find yourself an adult fish without so much baggage.

No, his mum does not need time. She needs a complete fucking personality transplant. You're on a hiding to nothing unless he sees and really acknowledges this. It just all sounds so enmeshed that my advice is get out right now. You are not a free rehab centre for this man. He can sort his own arse out. Go, and have some fun, away from this bullshit. He's really not all that.

How long have you been together? Is he the one who's been pushing marriage because of his insecurity? There's no benefit for you to be tied to him. Do you want DC's with him? Would he be the main carer?

I don’t think his Mother does need time, she’s got him exactly where she wants him, you unfortunately are a bit of a spoke in her wheel! I’ve a strong feeling she’s never about to give up….I mean he’s her boy isn’t he!!

At the very least I feel the wedding needs to be postponed. If yr partner grows a backbone, recognizes where his grown-up allegiances now lie, this relationship married or not is doomed to failure. Emigrating might be your best bet!

I'd. e cancelling the wedding and reconsidering the relationship. He may change due to counselling, but his family won't. If they're this bad now, before you're married, it will be worse if you have children. You may not want to visit them and you'll hate the thought of him taking your little ones there on his own. Really give thought to the whole future, not just the wedding.

You say you’re ‘falling in love with him again’ in counselling but that it’s only just started.

If this wasn’t just a phrase and you’d fallen out of love with him the sensible decision given his flaws would be to stay that way!

He could just be saying what he thinks you want to hear, in order for you to marry him. Actual change would be much, much harder. It’s uncertain whether he will make changes and his incentives to do so will reduce after marriage.

Postpone.

Have the counselling.

See where you are in 6 months. He might be in a new job, he might have learned not to run to his mother with everything.

Or he might be unable to change

But at least you will know.