Partner keeps fat shaming me

[Ssquared]

My partner is ways fat shaming me and making comments about my weight. Tonight he has called me a fat C**t. It's really hurtful and I feel so bad about myself. I have put on weight since we've been together. We have been together since years and have 2yo. For context I was not slim when we met, I've never been really slim. I was a size 18 when we met, I'm now a size 20 but granted I am about 3 stone heavier and I do not carry it well. I was 22 stone when I had my son and I am now 17st so not small but alot smaller. I've worked really hard to lose the weight, but it has slowed down and Im.nkt getting anywhere a the moment. I think because I'm miserable because n mattwr what I do or how much weight I lose he will still find something.
I will admit, I've kind of been secretly eating because it's easier to eat when he isn't around so I dont get shamed but this leads to overeating and binge eating leading to no more weight loss. I also have fibromyalgia and a back problem so my mobility can be really bad sometimes so probably not getting as much exercises as I should but I'm not lazy and am always trying to keep moving when I can.

I'm really low because of it, we have no intimacy, and tonight him calling me this just confirmed it in my mind that this is the reason why, he thinks I'm unattractive and fat. Which I am. But he has put on about five st and I wouldn't dream of saying anything to hurt his feelings.

I know everyone will say. LTB but I can't, I'm completely financially dependant on him, I have no family or friends nearby and and am all round a bit of a loner. I don't have the self confidence or belief to just go.

I feel so upset.

You need to make a plan to leave. This is no way to live. You get one life.

Maybe Women’s Aid could help?

Think about your financial future. Do you work? Could you? Are you entitled to benefits? Could CAB give you some advice?

How is your relationship with your family? Could you move nearer?

Oh lovely you deserve so much more. Please find the strength to leave for you and your child.💐

This is it. I don't work at the moment, I receive a disability benefit. I could work but it would have to part time and not too much of a physical role. I do have a good relationship with my parents but they are almost 100 miles away. I'm to scar d to leave b cause of the financial implications and I really don't want my son to suffer. I know I won't be able to provide financially for him enough and I don't want him to suffer b cause I choose to leave. He won't move out either when we've discussed the "of we ever break up".

I'm so sorry that you are on the receiving end of such emotional abuse. Please believe me when I say that it'll never go away while you are with this person. He's a bully and his behaviour is having a negative effect on you, which in turn will effect your child. No one deserves to be treated this way. You need to escape from this way of "life", don't let him ruin you. He will continue to chip away at your already low self esteem. Please remember that you matter 💐 Sending you a virtual hug 🫂 xx

Honestly OP the only lump of useless fat you need to lose is your partner, sooner rather than later.

Oh I'm so terrified of the unknown though and also of leaving and being alone forever. No one will ever want me the way I am and I feel like I'm stuck in a cycle of bad habits that's making me fat and ill just be a big fat mess forever so I stay because at least I'm not on my own. I hate myself more than anything but it's like his comments cause me to just eat more for comfort and I'll never lose the weight. I do t think I would cope on my own and it sounds bad but financially I deffo wouldn't cope and I think it's only the fact I have no finances and no where to go that also keep me here.

For an immediate way to lose 12 stone - tell that bastard to fuck off! You’ll instantly drop a load of dead weight and feel so much happier and lighter in your heart. I promise.
I bet you’re gorgeous, and someone will be very lucky in the future to get chance to be your boyfriend. This cruel twat is not the one for you. Xxx

Funny thing is people Always say/have said "for a chubby girl your very pretty and "of you lost some weight you would be stunning" lol beggars belief

Your partner isn't treating you this way because 'you're fat and unattractive' he is treating you this way because he's a cruel, spiteful excuse for a man, a low individual who deep down knows what he is, so is punching down to make himself feel better. Because confident strong adequate men do not bully insult and abuse women.
So, now you know what he is, ask yourself, why the opinion of such an awful specimen matters? Because, honestly, it really doesn't. You are a unique and special human being who at present is heavier than you prefer. Which is really not a big deal in the context of a life. So please stop worrying about your weight and appearance. Work towards getting rid of your partner (it can be done! Step by step) and then you'll have all the time and space you need to look after yourself.

You need to separate the problems of your weight and your relationship.

You need to end your relationship, he sounds awful. If you have no ties to the area, please consider going to live with your parents (with your dc) and then look for somewhere to live near them permanently. Go on a housing list close to them.

You do need to lose weight but do it for yourself not for your horrible partner. Go to your GP and ask for support.

I'm so sorry you're living like this, it must be awful for you x

I'd bet you'd have real success with your mental and physical health if you left him and weren't having to put up with his attitude to you. I know it's so scary to even think about leaving, but you'd be okay and you'd figure it all out. You're worth so much more than you think

The unattractive one in the relationship is him. What a mean and vindictive beast.

You say you don’t want your son to suffer BUT staying with this pig of a man - your son Will suffer. He will see you being ill treated and verbally abused and how do you think that will be for your son.
Please, can you go to your GP and tell him exactly what your husband says to you, ask the GP to record it on your notes. And ask GP for referral to a dietitian for weight loss. GP can offer you a lot of help. You’re only young and have your life ahead of you. Also speak to Women’s Aid as this name calling is emotional abuse. You must leave this relationship asap. Things will only get worse if you don’t deal with this now. Your husband has no respect for you and cannot care about you or love you. With help you and your young son can leave and live a better life. Would it be possible to go and stay at your parents? You need to get yourself and your son away from this abusive man asap.
Take care my lovely. You deserve so much more than this.

He's the pot calling the kettle black, so aim it back at him, " not so small yourself these days". However, I take even more issue with him dropping the C bomb at you. That should be an immediate hard line.

Get a citizens advice appointment and get benefits advice.

You will get UC
(housing part)
(Non housing part)
(child part)
Council tax relief
85% childcare paid for any hours working
You can work a certain number of hours before UC is reduced
Child benefit, isn't much but ..
You are entitled to child maintenance unless the father takes your child overnight (only overnights count) 50% or more nights of the year.
When school starts, free school meals and uniforms.

You should be a priority on lists, as a single Mum

Your health issues might give you an extra payment too.

Lots and lots of women manage on the above
Lots.

You don't have to be there.

If you think family will help, you could move as well.

As for meeting someone else sooner or later, lots of men have different types, you don't have to be a small size to attract men. I know lots of bigger women who attract men relatively easily - because they're still attractive and they're upbeat and warm etc.

You can't live your life thinking "I won't meet anyone else, noone else will want me so I'll just stay here, being abused, with my child absorbing it sooner or later" (which they absolutely do, they are very perceptive).

It's not even true, you can meet someone else, whether you lose weight or not.

Talk to citizens advice and they'll outline it for you. They deal with this day in, day out.

I also think you'll find it easier to work on weight, health etc. when you're not with an abuser.

Being abused doesn't help people be their best self, the opposite.

Thank you. I know I can lose the weight. I want to be healthy fory son. I've already lost four stone since June 2022. And another 1st this year so far but lately I've been bingeing in secret because I'm hungry and I don't want to get caught eating anything that's not lettuce or vegetables through fear of being called names or made to feel guilty. I know I can lose the weight but the stress just leads to eat more due to comfort. I kind of just give up. I can't leave as we really do have no where to go right now, we can't stay with my parents, they are elderly and I really don't think they could cope with having us there. Mo son has additional needs too so I need to try and keep his routine as normal as possible. I am however going to contact dwp and get our finances separated as a starting point. He works full time but we get a UC top up (which he keeps) bur I'm going to claim on my own. I think once I have some more financial independence I may feel a bit better about being able to leave/ make plans to leave.

I know a single Mum of two who gets a disability benefit.

She doesn't work, she has a DLA (or whatever the right term is now) vehicle provided, council house, UC and doesn't seem short of money.

She hardly gets any CM because the father has 3 other kids, and keeps changing around shit jobs.

She seems to manage fine financially though.

As I said, you don't need to be there.
You talk as though you can't access any money except through working etc., but there are loads of people not working or only working the hours you can work will still getting UC.

Yes I agree. I'm finding it more difficult when Im feeling under so much pressure to lose weight just because I feel like I have to so I don't get called names. I want to do it to be healthy for my son and I know I can. I'm just finding it harder at the moment doe to the secret eating and bingeing.

bur I'm going to claim on my own

You can claim even while living with your partner, for a while.

You keep saying you have nowhere to go, but with full UC, you rent somewhere.

You can ask try to get on housing lists for council and social housing.

Lots and lots of people are in your position.

Your child will adjust to the new house/flat.

Partner works full time and we get a small UC top up. It's a joint claim but it goes to his account. The only money I get is disability benefit (I also have a mobility car) he controls the bills and the other money.

I went to the council a while back and asked them and they said I can't go on the list because I'm a joint tenant and I leave I'm intentionally making myself homeless. And because Im not at risk of harm I'm not classed as urgent. Also I don't have a local connection to the area as I'm not from here.

This toxic relationship has nothing to do with your weight.

He is spiteful and cruel and you have zero self esteem. It makes him feel powerful to put you down. While you continue to exist in this dysfunctional dynamic nothing will change. You can't change another person but you can change how you feel about yourself. Counselling would help you.

Respectfully your thoughts should be on your mental health rather than weight - and your kids who are growing up in a very toxic environment.

So you need to tell UC that you're now separated, but sharing accommodation until you can get accommodation of your own.

Make your own claim.

The citizens advice people are the first point of call for advice on how to proceed, they are usually excellent on this.

I just told him how hurtful it was last night and he said it's my own fault. I moan about my weight and losing it but apparently I can't stop eating so that's why he called me names. Apparently.