Partner keeps fat shaming me

[Ssquared]

My partner is ways fat shaming me and making comments about my weight. Tonight he has called me a fat C**t. It's really hurtful and I feel so bad about myself. I have put on weight since we've been together. We have been together since years and have 2yo. For context I was not slim when we met, I've never been really slim. I was a size 18 when we met, I'm now a size 20 but granted I am about 3 stone heavier and I do not carry it well. I was 22 stone when I had my son and I am now 17st so not small but alot smaller. I've worked really hard to lose the weight, but it has slowed down and Im.nkt getting anywhere a the moment. I think because I'm miserable because n mattwr what I do or how much weight I lose he will still find something.
I will admit, I've kind of been secretly eating because it's easier to eat when he isn't around so I dont get shamed but this leads to overeating and binge eating leading to no more weight loss. I also have fibromyalgia and a back problem so my mobility can be really bad sometimes so probably not getting as much exercises as I should but I'm not lazy and am always trying to keep moving when I can.

I'm really low because of it, we have no intimacy, and tonight him calling me this just confirmed it in my mind that this is the reason why, he thinks I'm unattractive and fat. Which I am. But he has put on about five st and I wouldn't dream of saying anything to hurt his feelings.

I know everyone will say. LTB but I can't, I'm completely financially dependant on him, I have no family or friends nearby and and am all round a bit of a loner. I don't have the self confidence or belief to just go.

I feel so upset.

It’s almost certainly true oP.

But equally losing weight isn’t always a click of the fingers for people.

If you really feel you can’t leave/ manage in your own ( and there is support out there) the most we can do is tell you that you aren’t a bad person because you don’t look the way he’d like you to.

Yes.
Bloody hell, all of it. Definitely better on your own.
Sorry.

Break up the family with
psychological/financial impact on all inc the innocent 2 year old

As opposed to the two year old growing up hearing their Mum being called a "fat cunt" by their Dad.

Alongside a general atmosphere of disdain, disrespect and tension.

No psychological impact there at all.

Financial... He rents by the sounds of it, he doesn't even earn enough to not need a benefits top up.

She'd probably be better off financially on her own.

And if she gets back to work even part-time when her child goes to school, she'll be even better off, she's a HCP.

So that's a fallacy too.

Ok so if you're not going to leave, you need to emotionally distance yourself from this man. He's not nice to you. Try to work on your confidence and stop fat shaming your self, be kind to yourself. Self care and work on building yourself up. I'm not talking losing weight I'm talking making yourself feel better somehow - prioritise yourself. See it as a financial transaction with him, maybe then it won't hurt so much and once your Sons old enough you may feel able to go x

Why are you staying with him. I'd be gone,

I know you say you can't leave but could you start putting your ducks in a row to get to a place that you can. The alternative is to live with this for the rest of your time, do you really want that? He will not change and chances are will become worse. You deserve so much more.

I wonder if you could reframe your response to his comments OP? I say that because really (without the damage his abuse has done to your self esteem) his comments should be making you furious, not sad and hurt. If you could tap into that anger it can be a really useful motivator, I'm at my most determined when I'm raging about something! I just think if you could turn your (understandable) hurt into cold, hard fury you could use it to give you the strength to get free of this cruel, abusive man who is doing nothing but dragging you down. I agree with PP's that your health will likely improve without him and I honestly believe you have a lot more to fear from a future with him than without.

It's really not that simple for some people, who can develop a sense of safety in a situation where everything is controlled, they think they deserve the abuse (because of being fat in this instance).

If you are the kind of person that wouldn't put up with it, you probably wouldn't find yourself in thr OPs situation in the first place.

Yes I think it’s a lot more complicated than LTB.

OP maybe start from the other end, not the current situation. What are your hopes and dreams? Where would you like to be in ten years time? Maybe start there and work backwards to what your next steps should be.

This is the thing. I have no idea. I don't feel like I have my own dreams and aspirations anymore. I just feel a bit like I'm not my own person.

And today he is acting like he's done nothing wrong and is sweet as anything so then I'm questioning myself like is this all in my head but deep down I know it's not.

He’s a nasty piece of work and I bet your mental and physical health would improve without him around.

Yeah you know it’s not. This is all part of the cycle of abuse. If they were nasty all the time there’s no way people would stay and put up with it. They have to go through the motions of being super nice to lull you into a false sense of security for the nastiness to really hit home.

If it’s any consolation I’m a similar size to you (with thyroid issues which cause similar pain and exhaustion to fibro) and the only time I’ve ever been able to successfully lose weight has been when divorcing my XH and then when splitting from the next partner of 10 years! The weight just fell off without me even trying - whether it was a cortisol thing, that the stress of separating made my body work differently, or just that sick feeling you get when you’re ’bereaved’ in some way that made it harder to eat, but I lost 4 stone without even trying after my divorce. It did go back on again over the years but that’s why for me I think it’s not as simple as “eat less move more”, there are clearly lots of emotional factors at play, as I’m sure there are for you.

Ditch the dead weight (him) and if that results in some accidental weight loss too, win win.

Start there OP. We all get one life and we all enjoy something and are good at something.

You don’t know us: brag. What are you good at ( and you can’t say nothing). If you really don’t know let’s start with what would you like to be good at, then think how to get there. Make this about you.

OP was called a FAT CUNT by her 'darling' life partner. Someone who is supposed to be working with her as a team, her ride or die, her co-parent. It's totally unacceptable and she does NOT need to 'pull herself together'.

Your ideas and views are outdated, dangerous and frankly, down right bigoted and misogynistic.

It's not 1970 anymore where a woman needs to stay in a relationship with a terrible man. And if OP can't work because of a disability then she is fully entitled to apply for benefits. That's what the system is designed for whether you like it or not!

You are so right on every point!

And your user name is feckin amazing 🤩 I love it!

Well isn’t this nice! Big pussy 🐈 and Fanny 🐈‍⬛ are connecting! 🤣

😂😂😂

Definitely big vag energy in the room today 😜

Op, you had a good career. You must have gotten a degree and gotten qualified as a HCP.

That's a great achievement.

HCP's are key workers, very important, and you seem like a nice person whom I'm sure was a good one who helped people.

(As an aside, if you are a nurse, I noticed that a lot of nurses became overweight. I think that shifts don't help ... They may even mess with your circadian rhythms and appetite. It's not natural to be awake and working at night. You have people snacking and eating high calorie things to deal with tiredness, you have them doing the same to deal with long shifts and stress.

On top of that you have health issues that must make exercise v difficult, which means you're relying entirely on controlling food, to lose weight, which can be very difficult.

You have also linked bingeing to stress, anxiety etc. Another factor).

You are also a Mum to a very young child. You are a considerable distance from your family and have had to do that with very limited support (maybe none). That is a very tough gig. It's an achievement to do that at all, let alone with no real support and without even getting a break with part-time work etc.
Having a child is a huge adjustment and it takes time to get back on an even keel.
Babies and toddlers are also very hard work compared to kids at 4/5 plus. It will get easier.

You sound too hard on yourself.
You have some great achievements and you need to give yourself credit for them.

Yes I am a nurse.
Thank you so much for your kind words it really means a lot.

This is a lovely post op - and so true. I was noticing just the other day how many nurses are overweight and thought exactly this: typical case of people caring for others before themselves. The world can be horribly judgmental about weight when in many cases it is as hard to change as a lot if things no one would dare comment on. Just don’t beat yourself up because lesser people think you should.

Exactly this. My ExH was like this. It didn't matter if I lost weight or gained, in his eyes I was always 'fat'. Even at my slimmest he'd say, well you needed to lose that weight. Another couple of stone and you'll be lovely etc
I have a stocky body shape and solid frame whereas he's naturally skinny, as are all his family. I put on weight in an instant and have yo-yoed throughout my life. It took me over 20 years to leave the cruel bastard. I'm still fat now but my new partner loves me as I am.
I also think that one day in the future, scientists will discover that some people really do put on weight more easily than others and if there could be a cure for that, so much misery could be avoided both in terms of physical illnesses and emotional upset.

You may find financially you are better off alone, you will get benefits and housing. Then you will also be entitled to child support. Go on entitled to .com

Staying with an abuser because of money is the worst reason. Go to your local citizens advise and explain your situation. Remember abuse isnt just physical its also emotional and coersive.

He's using words to control you, lowering your self esteem so you feel he's all you have (the best you can do). You'll find if you leave this asshat you will flourish and become a much better version of yourself.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/

Also speak to womens aid. They will help you with support you need.

OP please don’t pay any attention to this utter DRIVEL.

Set the bar higher for yourself and for your son. You do not want him growing up thinking this is how a loving relationship should look like.

Losing weight is incredibly challenging. I’ve been there, I resorted to a drastic measure. I’d do it again in a heartbeat. There is support out there. Do you have a supportive GP?

You’re 32. You deserve so much better. Weight does not determine worth.