Partner keeps fat shaming me

[Ssquared]

My partner is ways fat shaming me and making comments about my weight. Tonight he has called me a fat C**t. It's really hurtful and I feel so bad about myself. I have put on weight since we've been together. We have been together since years and have 2yo. For context I was not slim when we met, I've never been really slim. I was a size 18 when we met, I'm now a size 20 but granted I am about 3 stone heavier and I do not carry it well. I was 22 stone when I had my son and I am now 17st so not small but alot smaller. I've worked really hard to lose the weight, but it has slowed down and Im.nkt getting anywhere a the moment. I think because I'm miserable because n mattwr what I do or how much weight I lose he will still find something.
I will admit, I've kind of been secretly eating because it's easier to eat when he isn't around so I dont get shamed but this leads to overeating and binge eating leading to no more weight loss. I also have fibromyalgia and a back problem so my mobility can be really bad sometimes so probably not getting as much exercises as I should but I'm not lazy and am always trying to keep moving when I can.

I'm really low because of it, we have no intimacy, and tonight him calling me this just confirmed it in my mind that this is the reason why, he thinks I'm unattractive and fat. Which I am. But he has put on about five st and I wouldn't dream of saying anything to hurt his feelings.

I know everyone will say. LTB but I can't, I'm completely financially dependant on him, I have no family or friends nearby and and am all round a bit of a loner. I don't have the self confidence or belief to just go.

I feel so upset.

This.

He got together with you as a size 18. You've since had a baby and they're only 2 years old.

You have fibro and osteoarthritis and significant back pain, which must make it very difficult to exercise.

He himself has put on a significant amount of weight.

He's being ridiculous on every count, and is abusive.

He's also financially abusive into the bargain.

When I point out his weight gain he tells me that he's okay with it and carries it well. He was skinny so could afford to put weight on and I couldn't etc he says he only calls me out because I'm always worrying about what I look like and moaning about myself and then I obviously eat to much or unhealthy things etc I don't eat particularly unhealthy anyway. I deffo could make better choices. I've never denied I'm overweight and made the choice to lose some weight. It seems.aimce it has halted and I've upped into a few bad habits (the bingeing etc ) that the fat shaming has got worse.

The main reason he feels that he can speak to you in that disgusting way and get away with it is because he has somehow manipulated you into a situation where you are completely and utterly dependent on him, not just financially but it sounds like also emotionally.

Plenty of fat women myself included and plenty that I know, have boyfriends and husbands and Lovers etc. You don't need a man to survive, plenty of Us manage with out them, but even if you want a man in your life it is not true to say that nobody will ever want you because you are 17 stone.

He is using this as a stick to beat you with because he knows that he can. Believe me if you had a well-paying job and plenty of confidence, even if you were still 22 stone, he would not dare to speak to you like this because he knows that you would have the power and independence to walk out and leave his sorry ass.

It's about time you started sticking up for yourself. You have actually lost five stone and he has gained five stone. Why are you not sticking up for yourself and when he tries that shaming you you should stare him straight in the face and say well you've put on five stone too so you have nothing to say to me, why don't you sort yourself out man and stop picking on me.

I think you have been an absolute fool to have allowed yourself to become isolated away from everybody who could help you, and completely dependent financially and emotionally on an abusive man, however there is nothing we can do about the past.

The future however is entirely in your hands. Do you really want to go on living like this and have your children think that it's okay for a husband to speak to his wife the mother of his children in that fashion? Because he isn't going to stop; he will beat you down to the ground emotionally until there is nothing left of you.

No matter how hard it is, no matter how scared you are, you have to leave, and you have to leave now. You will have to go to your parents 100 miles away, because you have to save yourself and save your children from being abused mentally, emotionally, financially.

It doesn't matter how hard it is to be honest you need to save your self and your children.

You have got to get away from him because he isn't just going to wake up tomorrow being completely different person, a loving, devoted, decent man, if you expect that then you're expecting a miracle and miracles don't happen.

You're in charge of your life , you and you alone, and you must leave now while you still got enough of your self left to do it.

I wish you the best of luck for stop

Op says they don't have room.

She still might be better back in their area though.

I spoke to him about finances and he claims he's not financially abusive. And that he never denies me any money or anything that I want or need which is true. I just have to ask permission. Which I now I shouldn't really have to ask.

I asked the council in my home district and they also said I wasn't classed as being in need although I had the local connection.

Can you imagine being with this man for another 40-50 years.

Get out now while you're young. You have so much of your life ahead of you, don't waste it with this piece of shite.

And next time he calls you names don't acknowledge him, don't engage in conversation about it. Ignore ignore ignore.

I'm sure I'm only going to repeat what had been said, but I'm so ANGRY at what I have just read. Your weight is not the issue- if you were vulnerable about something else, it would be that he would pick on you for. ^

Please do contact Women's Aid. Also, find out what benefits you would be entitled to on your own (you may be surprised). Let your parents know what is happening: 100 miles isn't far. But if you were able to move closer to them, that distance might be useful in terms of keeping your ex at arm's length. ^
^
I really hope you can find the strength and help to get you and your child out of this toxic situation: good luck.^

Not sure what happened there with the weird formatting.. 🙄

But that is financially abusive lol.

The joint UC payment, for example, should be going into a joint account that you have access to.

Or split with half going into your own account.

Also you're currently not working partly due to health problems, partly because you left your job and region to move in with him due to having your child etc, and partly because you have a 2 yr old you're presumably looking after full-time.

The childcare is a 2k bill not coming out of your household finances. It's 2k you're saving both of you.

So you should really have equal access to all income. Without having to ask.

Please go back to housing again and tell them about the domestic abuse in the relationship and they should be able to help you more as you are not making yourself intentionally homeless you are fleeing abusive behaviour.

This is never going to end well, you are better off making an exit plan while you’re in control as he clearly doesn’t respect you. Wanted to share a positive story with you from an experience I had.
when my kids were younger me and my partner at the time went on holiday abroad and a mate of his booked the same hotel with his wife and their daughter. I knew the mate well through my partner and also taking our daughters to the same sport. The wife was only mid 30s but didn’t keep well and I’d never met her before. She was probably around 18 stone and also had fibromyalgia (used a wheelchair), along with other health problems. She spent most of the day in her bed and would only appear for a short amount of time. I started to notice that her partner would treat her like crap and basically controlled what she done. Anyways a few weeks after we came back our holiday I heard they’d split up. Then around 9 months later, I was in town and she came up to me (I had absolutely no idea who she was at first), she was about a size 10-12 and looked a picture of health, no wheelchair either. She told me that the weight gain and fibromyalgia had been mainly due to stress from the way she was getting treated by her husband, she’d made a plan with women’s aid and left 1 day when he was at work. After she left the the pain she was in reduced dramatically by itself and the weight started falling off her as she could exercise more and wasn’t binge eating all day.
might not be relatable to you, but I thought I’d share anyway as it’s similar circumstances.

I'd reply to him then, Well look at the state of you! Your hairs thinning and I can barely see your cock for your massive gut! You're no Prince either!

he claims he's not financially abusive.

I haven't met an abuser to date who admits they're abusive. I don't think either of the authors of those good domestic abuse books (Lundy Bancroft or Don Hennessy) have met one to date yet either.

Having a convo with an abuser about it is like panto.. "no, I'm not", 'yes, you are, "no, I'm not" ad nauseum. With a hundred distractions, deflections, excuses, accusations, manipulations etc. thrown in by them.

I had a relationship with a man who suggested it was unfair for people in a couple to socialise separately, I dealt with his anger, indignation and accusations of not being committed & not acting right on a regular basis if I dared to eg go out for drink with female friends. I was informed I was deceitful if I did not tell him before going out, I was "dumped" repeatedly for such crimes, I was criticised if I made polite conversation with a married man while standing beside him, I was criticised if I spoke to a male ex colleague in the street, I was accused of wearing a short tight dress on a night out, when I'd actually said I'd had to abandon wearing a long dress for my Halloween costume because it was now too tight, it got to the point that I didn't mention a new (attached with kids) male colleague in work because I knew I'd then have to watch every word i said about him etc etc etc.

When I finished with him, he blamed me for being flaky and said no wonder I was "a 36 yr old spinster".

His previous 4 girlfriends were also at fault for the relationships not working out. They were damaged divorcees, single Mums, alco's, etc etc.

I could interpret a few stories he told about them to realise he was acting in a very similar way to them too.

But none of the relationship failures were anything to do with his behaviour. Not one.

If these guys had the ability to be self aware and take responsibility for their behaviour and were well adjusted and reasonable; they wouldn't be abusers.

Ha. And this ain't far from the truth!

This. And tell them that he controls the money, as you've said.

Reading this thread is jaw dropping on many levels.
Issue: weight/misery for both partners.
One takes it out on the other ( self projecting ).
I totally get it, no one is happy.
Instead of focussing on the ONE issue ( weight ) and BOTH try to loose it ( e.g walk round block at night together + change diet ) MN's prescibe solutions that don't solve the issue yet create an even worse chain of problems.
It's utter madness !!!!!!

Break up the family with
psychological/financial impact on all inc the innocent 2 year old.
Turn to public " entitled to " xyz money/housing etc " because of weight/self esteem issues.

Crazy, that doesn't solve weight ( inc back problem ) issues at all, quite the opposite.

Of course fat shaming isn't nice ( size 18-20
here ) but what sane person would consider all the drastic above " solutions " that, trust me , will make you put on more weight from
all the stress of financial/emotional/family break up fallout. Especially if not financially self sufficient.
Instead of rolling up
your sleeves and getting on with it. Both of you .. Stop wallowing.
No wonder this country is in such a mess when everybody wants something without input /effort /seeking solutions that work for a family instead of doing a runner.
Just pull yourself together with DP, you're both adults and a 2 year old needs positive role model parents.

Tonight he has called me a fat Ct

Sorry, but that goes beyond 'fat shaming'.

Wow.

I am a single mum too 4 children. When I split with my husband 4 years ago I worried about not being able to cope financially and not being able to live and give the kids what they deserve but since becoming a single mum (I know it sounds bad) I'm better off I get soo much help! You do need to leave this man, he is no good for you, he's an abuser. He is disgusting for calling you these names your the mother of his child, who is he too speak to you like that? I will also say that if you leave him it will be a huge weight lifted of your shoulders, you will start too feel better in yourself because you won't have his nasty vicious tongue too listen to on a daily basis which means you will start eating properly as in not binge eating and eating secretly you will start to feel better in yourself and then you will start to lose the weight you have wanted to shift. Then your confidence and self esteem will eventually come too and you will become happier overall. You do need to seriously think about this relationship because if your down, low, no confidence that's also brushing off on your child and not being funny but your child is seeing that it is ok too speak to women like that when it's not. You need to stand up tall and strong and tell him to go fuck himself your not putting up with his abuse anymore. Maybe if you can live with your parents for a bit and get yourself sorted single mums get help hun and you could go to the local council and explain your situation. It makes me soo angry how many abusive men are out there! I've had my fair share of experiences and I tell you what it's put me off being with anyone for a good few years!

This advice and comment is actually laughable! Soo you would be ok with being fat shamed on a daily basis by your partner and being called a fat c* noo I think not!!!!!

It's disgusting! Being called that last night by her partner it's absolutely disgusting and if I got called that be sure there would be fire!!

What is wrong with you? Are you ok?

So pull myself together and accept this isy life now. Lose the weight at his request ander him continue to think that's he is perfect and it's just me who is the big fat problem.
Got it.
Thanks

Instead of focussing on the ONE issue ( weight )

When one person calls the other one a "fat cunt" while saying that in contrast they carry their weight well and were thin before putting on weight so their weight gain doesn't matter.......

The issue is not weight.

When a man calls a woman who was a size 18 when he got into a relationship with her and then impregnated her, who has a two year old toddler to look after, who has fibromyalgia, osteoarthritis, spine deterioration etc. a "fat cunt", the issue is not weight.

The same person also puts a joint UC payment in their own account while one has no direct access to it.

The issue is not weight, it is abuse.

It's ironic that your jaw dropped reading this thread because everyone else's jaw dropped reading your post.

Oh and no-one spells focusing as "focussing".

You might be better brushing up on your spelling, rather than posting on help forums.