Partner keeps fat shaming me

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My partner is ways fat shaming me and making comments about my weight. Tonight he has called me a fat C**t. It's really hurtful and I feel so bad about myself. I have put on weight since we've been together. We have been together since years and have 2yo. For context I was not slim when we met, I've never been really slim. I was a size 18 when we met, I'm now a size 20 but granted I am about 3 stone heavier and I do not carry it well. I was 22 stone when I had my son and I am now 17st so not small but alot smaller. I've worked really hard to lose the weight, but it has slowed down and Im.nkt getting anywhere a the moment. I think because I'm miserable because n mattwr what I do or how much weight I lose he will still find something.
I will admit, I've kind of been secretly eating because it's easier to eat when he isn't around so I dont get shamed but this leads to overeating and binge eating leading to no more weight loss. I also have fibromyalgia and a back problem so my mobility can be really bad sometimes so probably not getting as much exercises as I should but I'm not lazy and am always trying to keep moving when I can.

I'm really low because of it, we have no intimacy, and tonight him calling me this just confirmed it in my mind that this is the reason why, he thinks I'm unattractive and fat. Which I am. But he has put on about five st and I wouldn't dream of saying anything to hurt his feelings.

I know everyone will say. LTB but I can't, I'm completely financially dependant on him, I have no family or friends nearby and and am all round a bit of a loner. I don't have the self confidence or belief to just go.

I feel so upset.

Perhaps try and think about why you have put yourself in a situation where you are completely controlled by this man. You have allowed him to become completely financially dominant. Why?

Better to be alone than with that creep.

Think about how your son is learning to treat women also.

Thank you. I have done the entitled to calculator online as living together but separated and it says I will get 1200 which I am surprised and if my partner continues to contribute financially then I should be able to save and get into a financial position.

Ok, so if you get UC and find somewhere to rent and move out, you will no longer be a joint tenant.

It might also be worth going to WA and starting a record of the verbal and emotional abuse.

I'm not really sure. When I got pregnant with DS we were living separately, I had a good job (HCP) it was a long distance relationship and at the time it made sense for me to move here as I was going to be on mat leave and he had a better job and we needed to live together. And it's really been a case of he earns the money and pays bills and I stay at home with DS. It was only the last year or so that I developed these health problems. So I guess it just became the way that it was.

I have a feeling he's going to do everything possible to obstruct you leaving as he likes having his own personal little whipping boy/emotional punch bag.

He already keeps a UC top up that should be joint.

So it might be better to get the UC as separated but living in the same place, but then get the UC for living on your own with your child and try to get somewhere asap.

I would talk to citizens advice about that.

There's only one cunt in your relationship, my lovely, and it's not you!

I had a good job (HCP)

That is really excellent.

It means that after a few years, you'll hopefully be able to get back into work and have a good income.

Or does your disability/health issue mean you won't be able to return to that?

Whatever the case, it's worth pointing out that childcare - which you'd get 85% paid if you get any UC anyway - reduces significantly as kids get older. They can use the after schools clubs til 5 (or 6 usually if it's in a day care rather than the school) and it's gets way cheaper and easier from 5 years old.

Yes I intent to tell them we are separated but living together for now. Which means the claim would become a single claim for my myself and my son. I know he will never leave and he sees this as his house. But if I can get even little bit of control I know I will feel more confident to make that jump.

I would say that I wouldn't b able to work currently. I have debilitating anxiety, incant l have the house alone. I also have severe OCD so I really struggle with everyday things. I have fibromyalgia and osteoarthritis plus damage to my spine. But I don't classed self as disabled. I am mobile and can get around just in immense pain a lot of the time. However I do feel that my condition could improve if I was under a lot less emotional stress. So in the future it's likely I could return to work part time maybe.

I'd say, without knowing you at all, that your health issues over the last year have been caused at least partially by the fact you are aware that you are trapped in a difficult situation. Secret eating is a way for you to feel free and back to your old self, perhaps?

One would also imagine that anxiety and OCD would be lessened by not living with an abuser.

It sounds like you need to get on the lists for counselling for those though.

I'm not sure. It's kind of like I prefer to eat alone because I know I can not be haled against me. And also it's eating for comfort I think. Alot of the times when I secretly eat I'm not even hungry, I don't know really.

I mean, how much louder does your body have to shout?

I've had counselling and CBT for two years, sadly no massive improvement but I do have times when I am really well and I can go out and do things doe shirt periods of time and other times when I'm housebound. It varies quite a lot but more bad days than good.

The whole first paragraph is irrelevant. You do not have to justify your body shape or weight gain, you are who you are and if your partner has an issue with that then they’re not worth spending your life with. I hope you find a way to get out of there, he sounds like a dick

Yes deep down I know that the combination of being overweight and being under stress all the time is making my mental and physical health worse. I'm only 32 and know this ain't a life for me at my age.

LTB

I really feel for you OP and hope you can make some positive changes in life.

Meanwhile try and keep in mind that when your partner says awful things to you, that is 100% about him and his needs and not about you.

And because Im not at risk of harm I'm not classed as urgent

I would speak to WA about whether the binge eating, OCD, and anxiety, while living with a verbal and emotional abuser who's calling you things like a fat cmy can be chased as at risk.

But if you get your solo UC claim set up, find somewhere to live separately, are then a solo single Mum tenant with a disability and health problems (and a child with special needs) I'd imagine you might get further up the list for social housing.

Yes, I fully agree with this. If you were, I dunno, 5'6" and a size 10, he'd find something else to criticise. It'd be your hairstyle, or your dress sense or the way you laugh, or a million other things.
He's a shit person and the only way he can feel less shit about himself is by bringing other people down.
There have been many people in my life who've acted like this, and in my experience, the behaviour only escalates.
It destroys your entire sense of self and you start to believe you deserve the abuse.
You've obviously got a lot of thinking to do in terms of how you move forward. I haven't read the whole thread, but if anyone has suggested Grey Rock, in the interim, then it might be an idea to give this a try.
Basically, whenever he is nasty to you, you respond in the blandest, most indifferent way possible.
This worked really well with my asshole ex husband. He'd say something really horrible, really cruel, really cutting. And I'd respond something like, "Ah, OK " Or ,"Uh-huh" and a brief nod of acknowledgement.
It totally freaked him out.
On the face of it, I could be seen as agreeing him. But he knew I wasn't agreeing with him. I wasn't getting upset, so he couldn't get the evil power rush, of knowing that his nastiness had hit home. And I wasn't getting angry, therefore depriving him of the opportunity to go berserk and start screaming at me.
He'd end up wandering off with a confused look on his face, and end up playing video games for the rest of the night and totally ignoring me (result!).
If you think he has a propensity for violence though, don't even consider Grey Rock, and instead contact Women's Aid.
One thing you absolutely have to remember though, is that this man is a bully. He's emotionally abusive. And there's a good chance his behaviour may escalate. Look after yourself, and take care. 🌹

Maybe write down a plan of how you will work towards financial independence, and a new place to live, just you and your ds. There's something about written goals that can be very motivating. Obviously he must not be able to find this!

Yes definitely leave. He probably liked the fact you were overweight from the outset because he knew he’d eventually keep you in line using that against you. You’d be surprised how calculating some men are. I was a
size 8 with a 28 inch waist in my early 20s and I had an abusive ex commenting on how my belly was too fat. It wasn’t the flattest stomach but I was hardly huge either. Men like that just look for ways to bring you down.

As far as not meeting someone else - weight aside - you may or you may not - but being with no man is surely better than being with an abusive man ?
So even if the alternative is being single for a very long time why is that not a better option?

Leave him and focus on your child, your health and self esteem initially. Work on yourself, and improving your situation so then maybe if you do decide to get into a relationship again at some point in the future when your child is much older it will be a healthier one.

If possible make a clean break for your son's sake. The fact your parents are 100 miles away is a godsend. Move back in with them, you said you have a good relationship and they would tell you 'come home'
This is awful abuse

This is fantastic advice