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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Partner keeps fat shaming me

104 replies

Ssquared · 12/07/2024 21:42

My partner is ways fat shaming me and making comments about my weight. Tonight he has called me a fat C**t. It's really hurtful and I feel so bad about myself. I have put on weight since we've been together. We have been together since years and have 2yo. For context I was not slim when we met, I've never been really slim. I was a size 18 when we met, I'm now a size 20 but granted I am about 3 stone heavier and I do not carry it well. I was 22 stone when I had my son and I am now 17st so not small but alot smaller. I've worked really hard to lose the weight, but it has slowed down and Im.nkt getting anywhere a the moment. I think because I'm miserable because n mattwr what I do or how much weight I lose he will still find something.
I will admit, I've kind of been secretly eating because it's easier to eat when he isn't around so I dont get shamed but this leads to overeating and binge eating leading to no more weight loss. I also have fibromyalgia and a back problem so my mobility can be really bad sometimes so probably not getting as much exercises as I should but I'm not lazy and am always trying to keep moving when I can.

I'm really low because of it, we have no intimacy, and tonight him calling me this just confirmed it in my mind that this is the reason why, he thinks I'm unattractive and fat. Which I am. But he has put on about five st and I wouldn't dream of saying anything to hurt his feelings.

I know everyone will say. LTB but I can't, I'm completely financially dependant on him, I have no family or friends nearby and and am all round a bit of a loner. I don't have the self confidence or belief to just go.

I feel so upset.

OP posts:

Calliopespa · 16/08/2024 08:14

Macaroni46 · 13/07/2024 16:49

Exactly this. My ExH was like this. It didn't matter if I lost weight or gained, in his eyes I was always 'fat'. Even at my slimmest he'd say, well you needed to lose that weight. Another couple of stone and you'll be lovely etc
I have a stocky body shape and solid frame whereas he's naturally skinny, as are all his family. I put on weight in an instant and have yo-yoed throughout my life. It took me over 20 years to leave the cruel bastard. I'm still fat now but my new partner loves me as I am.
I also think that one day in the future, scientists will discover that some people really do put on weight more easily than others and if there could be a cure for that, so much misery could be avoided both in terms of physical illnesses and emotional upset.

Show quote history

To this macaroni I would add, while I would never be cruel or say anything to them , I really don’t find skinny men like your ex at all attractive. So he should be aware he isn’t sitting in some sort of irreproachable position when it comes to the “ being lovely” stakes.

LaughingElderberry · 16/08/2024 08:40

OP you are bloody amazing - seriously. A five stone weightloss since having a baby is absolutely brilliant. You should feel really proud of yourself, because it's a massive achievement. Particularly when you have mobility challenges and a young child to care for.

You already know that your partner is a dickhead. He's being nice to you at the moment because it suits him. He wants a comfortable home where you provide sex, childcare, household services and it costs him minimally for the pleasure because you have to "ask permission" for access to money. All he has to do is throw a few insults your way every so often, to rein you back in when he feels you're stepping out of line. You know this is not a happy or healthy way to live, so I am really glad you are taking steps to try and leave. Good for you.

Emotional eating can be really tricky to try and control (ask me how I know!). However being happy generally in your life makes a huge difference. You aren't happy - and why would you be, with a man who insults you and demeans you and controls your access to money? Emotional eating is comfort. Take away the source of the unhappiness (him) and I bet my shiny pound that you suddenly find it a hell of a lot easier to eat more healthily.

You are worth so much more than this. You really are - all you have to do is take the steps to free yourself.

Mere1 · 14/01/2025 07:32

BananaSpanner · 12/07/2024 22:33

You need to separate the problems of your weight and your relationship.

You need to end your relationship, he sounds awful. If you have no ties to the area, please consider going to live with your parents (with your dc) and then look for somewhere to live near them permanently. Go on a housing list close to them.

You do need to lose weight but do it for yourself not for your horrible partner. Go to your GP and ask for support.

This is very sound advice.

Froniga · 14/01/2025 15:15

Please go to your GP. Tell the GP to record in your notes that your husband calls you a “fat C..t”. Tell the GP how this is affecting you mentally and causing you to binge eat, have low confidence etc. This needs to be in your notes because it’s emotional abuse - not any different to physical abuse really. With that on your health record you should be able to leave the home and still go on the housing list. You would not be expected to live with a violent abuser therefore you should not be expected to live with an emotional abuser. Is the house a Council house or Housing Association house or is it privately rented? Depending on this you may be able to get DH out as he is abusive. And possibly get house in your sole name.
please contact Women’s Aid as they can help you with this.
You and your young son deserve better. And if you stay in this toxic relationship things will only get worse. As your son grows older he will witness this abuse and it WILL affect him. There is a better life for you out there.
Sending big hugs

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