Are bad sibling relationships usually due to the parenting?

[coffeeandsleep]

I’m really stuck on whether to have another child. I love the idea of a sibling bond but I see so many adults non-contact or indifferent with their siblings.

This has happened again and again in my own family in past generations and I don’t want history to repeat itself.

I’m wondering how much of is driven by the family environment, different treatment by parents. Any thoughts?

Then there are those who say don’t have a second child purely for the sibling reason but I do see that siblings can be really positive and enrich life when the relationship is strong. Is it such a invalid reason to have a second?

I haven't spoken to my sibling for 40 years - their choice as they went no contact with the entire family. Don't miss them as we were never close (4 year age gap). My own DCs aren't close (2 year gap). They were raised and educated exactly the same but have always had their own interests and friends. Their personalities are very different - they care about each other but have never been 'besties'.

Me and my DB are best friends (he’d probably never admit that but he’d say we’re close 😂). 2 year gap and very close, even now. My DP and his DS are friendly.

I don’t think you should read too much into this stuff - surely it can go either way? I was very close to my brother and think my childhood and teenage years without him (and later) would have been a lot less fun!

Having three siblings did not enrich my life. We were all very different, but close in age. I don't think it's anything to do with my parents.

I don't know. It's an interesting question. I'm NC with my half-sisters, who despise each other, but my DC are very close.

I have one brother. We dont speak at all.

I think this is due to our upbringing.

We had a very cold father who cut us both off.

This affected me mentally for sure.

It made it hard for me to see "family" as closer and more important to me than other people.

My father's actions (cutting his close family off), made it hard for me to love, or to see family as "family". It made me view my brother as just another man.

It made me see my brother as not more important or less important than anyone's else.

We hang around our family because we usually see them as more important than other people, no matter what out families our like.

I lost the ability to do that

I have very little to do with my siblings now, although they aren’t bad people , we just don’t have much of a relationship.

I do sometimes wonder if it’s because we didn’t really “bond” growing up, e.g we stopped family holidays when I was around 9/10 (money was tight & think my parents were fed up with us moaning) and when we did go away or do anything it would be walking around a new city , going to the theatre etc - so not really something kids/teens have a laugh or bond over.

We didn’t really do sports / games or have any silly fun times together, probably because my dad (who was very much in charge) is a very dry character. To be honest we all did our own things with our friends

DH on the other hand is closer to his siblings (although not massively close) and they definitely have a lot of stories of fun times growing up

We have an only child, and I’m in my 40s and not having any more

I adored my DB until the age of 10 then we hated each other and now I am sort of indifferent. Am I a better person for having a DB? Overall I think so.

Edited to add - he did bully me a fair amount but I was fortunately immune to it when I was very little.

Me and db fought like cats and dogs when little.
But we are super close now.

My kids are best friends! Go for it op!

I think sometimes it's about the partners that siblings take up with.

I don't think it's parenting, I think it's personality. I have five children. Trying to work out the permutations of who is close with whom would be worthy of one of those 'string' diagrams. So some are close with one or two siblings, some are close to ALL their siblings, one isn't overly bothered with anyone, but friendly enough when they are together. All the same parents, all the same experiences growing up. Just some of their personalities gel and others don't as much.

They all get on well enough, but closeness is down to who they are, not even their positions in the family.

You cant legislate for everything but in the majority of cases i believe yes... it's due to parents and upbringing.

My sister and I haven't spoken in 8 years. Our mother used to slag each of us off to the other which didn't help (we'd tell each other but was a few years before we twigged what she was doing). But my sister is easily manipulated and things got so bad I'm now NC with both.

I stopped contact with my DB around 2 years ago. No falling out but he was a flying monkey. Everything they said/did was repeated to me no matter how often I told him I didn't want to know. I just stopped answering the phone to him in the end.

So yeah, definitely bad parenting in this case.

Thanks, interesting to read others thoughts - I think it’s a mix of parenting/family environment and personalities.

@TheOGCCL agreed, I’ve had sibling relationships in my family broken down due to the partner.

I don’t think it’s parenting. My DB and I got on very well, big age gap never any rivalry always a good thing. Miss him a lot.

DHs siblings didn’t get on as kids but do as adults.

In my personal experience yes I have a classic narcissistic mother who loved spewing hate and coming between me and my siblings. Growing up we had been close even though we were very different to each other. In the end I put distance between me and my family which she has fully taken advantage of. She’s played favourites, spread lies, played the victim and so on. It was always bound to effect us.

Im hoping my own DDs have a better chance at being close as adults. They bicker but love each other and so far they have many different likes and dislikes but also a lot in common.

So some is temperament for sure, but I do think if either parent expresses or has a preference, it causes friction. My siblings all hate each other. My mother actively undermined relationships between her children. It is very very sad. I have tried really hard, but think there is just not enough to build on.

According to developmental psychology research only children tend to be happier. They don’t have to fight for resource / attention etc
friends who are only children tend to have a rosy view on what they think they’ve missed out on that is rarely supported by reality

My DB and I got on well as kids, played together a lot etc. 3 year age gap. Don't remember any jealousy at all. As adults we are completely different people and barely speak. Potentially the family environment made us close as kids (we didn't see other children much) but as our personalities developed, we grew apart.

I don't think this is just a question of the relationship that adult siblings have - but also the dynamic that having siblings creates in the home growing up.

I have an older brother and we are not particularly close nor do we have much in common (that said there are those particular things that we have exactly in common!) but I love him and I am glad I have a brother. Aside from our relationship, I think my childhood would have been a lot more boring and sort of empty without a co-conspirator. Even though we did fight horribly at times. I have some great anecdotes that only happened because of him.

It is a very interesting question. My DB and I are very low contact. My mother and father were no contact with their siblings. We were very close as children. But once my DB married he followed the relationship of my parents and ignored everyone outside their nuclear family.

I'm nc with siblings, had same thoughts as you before having second DC. So far, 5 years in, they get along fine.

But you know what? When they argue, I help them resolve it. If they started to have repeated, continuous conflict I'd help them resolve it and at least be civil if not good friends. Which is something my parents never did - they just looked the other way and hoped it would go away when there were problems between me and my sibling.

You're not guaranteed DC who will be close, but I think parental approach is crucial in whether things go fully nuclear or not. If my kids started to have a pattern of falling out, I'd read all the books and pay all the therapists and sit and talk it out and do what it took.

Maybe it's famous past words and will come back to bite me. But I think today's parents are way more sensitive to children's needs and help with emotional literacy than they used to be.

@curious79 that’s interesting re the research. I agree, I’ve read many accounts from adult only children on here who really lament the lack of sibling and the effect it’s had on their lives. I do wonder if they’re imagining the perfect sibling relationship. I see so many fractured sibling relationships which is why I’m trying to establish what control I would have over it (if it is parenting).

Personality differences and who they choose as partners . I get on well with my sister, but we aren't close. She's a blabber mouth so I don't share anything I don't want broadcast to the world. She's also married a tool of a man. These factors mean my relationship with her will be limited.

Me and my sister are very close. My parents were also close to their siblings.

DH is currently feuding with his brother over his dad's will. Their sister is trying to maintain a middle ground. They want to get on but are very different people and struggle with that. They are also all selfish (although DH is the only own who would admit that)! Their parents definitely fucked them up. They are all in some ways trapped in their childhood. It's very sad.