Are bad sibling relationships usually due to the parenting?

[coffeeandsleep]

I’m really stuck on whether to have another child. I love the idea of a sibling bond but I see so many adults non-contact or indifferent with their siblings.

This has happened again and again in my own family in past generations and I don’t want history to repeat itself.

I’m wondering how much of is driven by the family environment, different treatment by parents. Any thoughts?

Then there are those who say don’t have a second child purely for the sibling reason but I do see that siblings can be really positive and enrich life when the relationship is strong. Is it such a invalid reason to have a second?

I have three sisters and we are very close. We all have our own independent lives but have a great connection which has grown as we got older. I also have three brothers and while we don't see each other as often there is a huge bond and a huge loyalty. They are all some of my favourite people in the world.
As you can imagine we weren't over fussed over as kids , never had family holidays but maybe because we were always together on a farm we have a strong connection. My parents never had favourites and absolutely no bullying was allowed. Also as we grew our dm never carried stories from one family to another as she was a bit obsessed with confidentiality which stood to us.

@haveatye It's important that they learn to negotiate difference of opinion. It's learnable skill, which they develop more readily with practice. That means adults stepping back. That way, things shouldn't get nuclear, but if they do, I'd separate also.

My brother (7 years older) and I never got on and he hasn't spoken more than a few words to me in 20 years, despite my best efforts to engage him in contact and make amends. He tormented me growing up, and used to kick and punch me, so as a result he would be physically punished by my dad which I think he resents me for. I was close to my dad, he was close to my mum. My mum abused me and hated that my dad and I were close. She painted me as the enemy. So quite similar to @Ivyy I think.

I hate that it's like this and I wish we could have a relationship but I feel it's never going to happen. My upbringing affected my self esteem and MH terribly, and still does. I go from feeling compassion for him because I know it wasn't easy for either of us, to feeling really fucking angry with him for treating me so horribly growing up, and making no effort at all to repair the relationship or empathise with me.

I don't have any contact with my mum besides a very occasional text from her which is usually all about my brother or some random gossip about my cousin's daughter's friend of a friend's sister's aunt. She has no interest in me. I doubt things will change between my brother and me when she dies. If he were going to make any effort he would've done so by now.

I’m not how much parenting influences how well siblings get on, as I know many who do get on well and many who don’t , from all sorts of parenting .

There is every reason my 2 DBs and I should resent each other, in terms of parenting, life choices, finances and general happiness, big age gaps. We are really close though and the two of us in not so good financial situations are happy that our other brother is in a good position. The DB who has more money has offered to help with healthcare and I know if I was in a mess, he would help. I’ve just been on holiday with one DB and his partner and am going to see other DB next month. Everything was stacked against us getting on (one gifted musically, me the much wanted girl, middle DB feeling left out ) but we do. The DB next to me in age, is my closest friend. We are so similar in personality even though we don’t have many things in common in terms of interests, tastes in music, tv, film, sports etc. Both DBs have just spent time together and speak on the phone regularly (we all live a long way from each other - one is overseas ).

I think personality probably plays more of a role. I have 4 siblings, 2 full who I lived with and two half with a much bigger age gap. One of my full siblings is one of my best friends. We are close. 5 year age gap and different genders. My other siblings I care about but we don't see much of each other.

I think it’s way more complicated than that. Dh and his db grew up hating each other, nothing to do with parenting I don’t think, just different personalities jockeying for position. They are very close as adults.

I grew up as an only child but I have an older half brother who never lived with me. I wasn’t close to him because of the age difference, but he wasn’t someone I had any interest in getting to know as an adult. My dad died when I was 18 and I haven’t seen him since our last meeting with the solicitor about the estate. That’s been 25 years ago. No interest in anything to do with him. We are very different people with very different lifestyles. I don’t ever look back and wish I had a sibling I was close with. I think that’s to do with family dynamics (we are not close) and personality (I’m very independent).

I had 2 dc myself, not because I ever thought about them having siblings, but purely because I wanted to parent two children. There are too many unknowns about their future relationship. You have to decide if you want one child or two. I personally am very happy I had two, but wouldn’t want more.

My sisters and I were played off against each other due to my Parents dysfunction. We love each other but we’re never close as a result.

My sister and I aren’t close now. We get along fine and don’t hate each other or anything but we’re just very different and both have busy lives so we don’t really make time for each other. We were close as children though and I do think I benefited from having a sibling while growing up. Just because siblings may not be close as adults doesn’t necessarily mean they would have been better off as only children.

I think sometimes it does most times it doesn't. I know a family that have 3 children the oldest child is just always told off even though it's the siblings fault, the mother absolutely doted on the middle child till the baby came along then the middle sibling has been fobbed off and baby is given all the attention whilst other two siblings are just yelled at so in this particular case yes.

We worked very hard at fostering the relationship between ours-and it seems to have worked, they've always been good friends. Whether that was because of our efforts or just chance I have no way of knowing. But we did work at it.

It's not a predictable thing really. A few things make it more likely that they will get on more, such as ages. There's a 3 year gap between my older bro and I, that's fine. We don't see each other as much as we used to as he moved away. We chat on the phone, occasionally text and meet up for gigs and events. He's about an hours drive away, so we do visit each other. There is no doubt that we love each other and we get on in the main, the odd bit of sibling bickering. As kids we did fight like cat and dog at times, but also in between did stuff together like bike rides and swinging in trees etc. We are different people, lead different lives, but are still pretty close, a good connection.

The ones I know where the r'ship has broken down - 50% was to do with family dynamics; 50% were nothing to do with the parents.

I wouldn't decide on whether or not to have a baby by considering the sibling issue.

Your child can be a perfectly happy only child. They could be a perfectly happy sibling. They may hate their sibling or love them. They may love them but not want to spend time with them.

Me and my sibling grew up alongside each other, happy enough, but were never 'best friends'. I know only children who are much better equipped to deal with their own company / better at not being 'bored' / better at looking outwards for friendships.

Some people actively despise their sibling, and wish they weren't related.

Some adore them and are best friends.

I'd say most love them but are largely indifferent day to day.

I wouldn't use it as a consideration.

I think it can do. My siblings and I are very different but we respect each other and get along well. We're not super close but always enjoy time with each other.
My parents were very hands off when it came to our relationships so I took the same approach.
As parents, we don't interfere in their arguments and often say "I'm not getting involved, you sort it out between you"
We make it clear to them that we're not being unfair and this is the reason why you perceive you're getting different treatment.
We never punish so no one feels hard done by. My parents didn't either.

We also celebrate all achievements as a family, no matter how small. Sometimes it's just "hey everyone! Did you hear the good news?"! And sometimes it's an actual celebration with food or a trip of choice.
I feel this is especially important if one sibling seems to do better than another.

We've also emphasised that family is important and we have each other's backs and support each other.

Maybe this has helped, maybe their personalities, maybe the fact that they see the extended family get on. Who knows.

I have a sibling that's a very selfish person who lies, hurt me as a child and used me for money, and a narc borderline mother who still favours the golden child. My mother wasn't maternal and couldn't cope with the stress of a small age gap. So it was a mix of sibling personality, mother's issues and life circumstances that led us to being low contact.

I think like many things in life it depends.

Certainly parents can poison the water - feel Dmum has done that somewhat with triangulation in adulthood with me and my siblings.

Others time it'a age gap or personality - or later in life spouses and other factors like distance/lifestyles etc.

My kids are close together in age and seem close plus it's been mostly just us- but DD1 going to uni has introduced some distance.

Personally looking at my wider family worse number is two kids - seems to invite comparisons from wider family which breeds resentments which sometimes are got past in later life when extended family is rapidly decreasing and other times with spouses as well is set in stone by that point.

I'm not close to my brother, we get on ok but we rarely meet up. It's nothing to do with my parents - we're both close to our parents - it's just that we have different personalities and interests.

I’m sure mostly down to parenting. I’m close to my sister 5yr age gap- I tell my daughters all the time how lucky they are to have eachother and how important that relationship is. All my friends are close to their siblings- probably helps that majority are sister sister relationships. Even if things happen later in life I find siblings that claim to have never liked eachother really strange!

Things can change.

You can have the closest siblings in the world but a brother marries a woman that doesn't like or encourage closeness with his parents or family, this can cause huge rifts and bad feeling even after years of closeness.

Bad sibling relationships maybe caused by a relationship break down that is nothing to do with the parenting.

My older DB teased me and belittled me relentlessly as a child and my DM was fine with it because she said it was "character building". I don't have much interest in him now as adults and, yes, I think with better parenting it would have been different.

She could have stopped it because she stopped him from being violent as she knew it was wrong for boys to hit girls. She just didn't know that it was wrong for older siblings to verbally bully younger ones.

I have 3 siblings with whom I now have zero contact with. When parents were alive contact was sporadic at best and I think probably just to appease parents. No fallouts or issues, just very different people.

I agree @haveatye for me falling out with my siblings was looked upon as good news for my mother, she actively hated me and my brother getting on and being friends. If we had a mother who wasn’t like her I think we would all be close because we actually liked each other growing up. I do my best with my DDs to resolve fallouts, I’m also probably overly strict on rivalries as I don’t want them becoming estranged.

It’s really interesting about parents relationships with siblings. My mother was the black sheep of her family, one of 10 kids and rivalries, backstabbing and out right nastiness is how they live. My Dad, also one of 10 had a very very different relationship with his siblings, they were best friends. There have been times when some of them have had their moments (mainly my aunts) but it’s like they have/had this secret bound that was completely impenetrable to anyone else, spouses, children. Every one of my cousins I’ve spoken to about this all say the same thing. It’s the bound I wish I had with my brothers and really hope for my DDs.

You can do your best but sometimes their personalities are so opposite that they just share no interests or have anything in common. Of course it can also be the opposite.. unfortunately no way of knowing till they develop their personalities.

we have 6 children , eldest 25, youngest 11.
2 no longer live at home. That said; I have drummed it into them that most things can be fixed; and that I want them to be there for each other. Obvs what happens going forward will be their choice, but we have put a lot of ground work into being a strong family unit .

Exactly this !!! X

DBro and I were very close as children, rarely bickered. We only 'speak' on fb every so often and have seen each other once in 5 years.
We have nothing in common as adults.
My DC- DS1 is not particularly close to his siblings, they don't live near each other.
DS2 and Dd get on well but only see each other once in a blue moon, live 150miles away from each other. That said they all pulled together when their dad was seriously ill. So there is a bond they just don't have anything in common, all very different individuals.