Are bad sibling relationships usually due to the parenting?

[coffeeandsleep]

I’m really stuck on whether to have another child. I love the idea of a sibling bond but I see so many adults non-contact or indifferent with their siblings.

This has happened again and again in my own family in past generations and I don’t want history to repeat itself.

I’m wondering how much of is driven by the family environment, different treatment by parents. Any thoughts?

Then there are those who say don’t have a second child purely for the sibling reason but I do see that siblings can be really positive and enrich life when the relationship is strong. Is it such a invalid reason to have a second?

Interesting, my sister and l were close growing up very small age gap, but we both had children at different stages of our lives and were not so close, now we get on OK, speak a few times a week and see each other occasionally we live far away from each other. But l love her and its nice to have someone to help deal with issues off our ageing parents
My two are 30 and 28, they were never close as kids completely different personalities and interests. But they would play together and look out for each other.
They seem over the last year to have become closer and meet without me, normally they just see each other when attending family events, I'm happy thier relationship becoming one away from the family and they meet up occasionally without me.

Thanks @haveatye I had similar experience re parents looking the other way which certainly didn’t help the relationship.

I have often been at breaking point with my sister and had to create some space but agree @Tinylittleunicorn that it did still add to my childhood - shared silly jokes, inside conspiring etc

@hopeishere I think the feuding over will and how to help elderly parents can be common and I had that in my family too. Although people say that’s a downside of having an only child as they have to shoulder all the responsibility. Tricky one!

I think bad parenting can have a bad effect on sibling relationships.

I've seen families where one child was extremely favoured over another - that leads to resentment and jealousy as well as possible under-achievement in the disparaged sibling, which then increases the parents' negativity.

I've also seen situations where there was a big age gap and the older child was "used" as a carer for the younger when they should have been supported in developing their own life. That also leads to resentment and jealousy.

I'm one of 4, and close to two of them. The other one has always been very different in most ways - although I was once very close to them too. Has apparently gone NC, because I pulled them on being spectacularly callous when one of my close siblings suffered a very traumatic event.

My mother would have kicked their arse if she was still here - she wouldn't have tolerated it!

My three adult children are all close, the eldest two in particular, who are in contact with each other several times a day when they're apart.

We were parented pretty much the same, and mum kept us all close while she was alive. Odd sibling out was distancing themselves even then.

I agree with this. My mum very much played favourites. The golden child, who very much embraced his role, now has a fairly bad relationship with the rest of us. But honestly, none of us are close.

I’m wondering how much of is driven by the family environment, different treatment by parents. Any thoughts?

My family environment was volatile, my Dad was a wanker and checked out, but favoured my sister, she played on this, my sister basically had free rein to bully me extensively. My Mum was ineffective in terms of stopping it or disciplining it. She also regularly condoned my exclusion from things because it was what my sister wanted.

My sister has carried her behaviour into adult life.

I genuinely wouldn't care if I never saw my sister again. But yes, poor parenting was a massive factor in how it all played out.

DH has four siblings and only really speaks to one of them. His oldest sibling lives round the corner and until his mum died earlier year, he hadn't spoken to them in over a decade and I'd never met them 🤷‍♀️

He's very close with his dad though (as am I) and we generally see him most days.

It can be a secondary motivation behind having a child, but it shouldn't be your primary motivation. You shouldn't ever have a child unless you really want another child for themself. There's no guarantees they'll get on and then what? Little kids often fiight, my boys either love each other or hate each other. Some days it great, but other's they drive me and each other crazy.

I have three siblings, three of us v close in age, big age gap with fourth. We all get on well, different relationships due to our different childhoods (ie the ones who shared our young years vs the one who joined later). And ofc we have some moments of tension cos we're human (eg the most organised sibling despairs of the least organised). But we holiday together each year, I look forward to seeing them, enjoy their company, love their children, and know i could rely on any of them for support in any crisis. I hope they know the same is true of me to them.

My parents weren't perfect but they did put an emphasis on family time, we had fun together and I always felt we were a team. We fought, squabbled, treated each other badly at times. I can't remember my parents taking sides, just told us all off in the same way for lack of respect/patience/love, and encouraged us to forgive and make ammends as needed.

We joke about which child is favourite but really I know (and think we all do) that they love us all deeply for our different personalities.

But am sure there are plenty of parents who do this and the kids just don't get on- I think there's a difference between adult siblings who just don't especially gel vs deep rifts and broken relationships.

I was struck by your mention of things you can control - I think one of the hardest parts of parenting is accepting that although you do your best for them you can't control or guarantee a certain outcome/life for your child(ren).

It's really healthy and great to consider how you might support siblings to have a good relationship if you do have another child, but I think it might also be worth considering how you could learn to accept it if that doesn't happen, despite all your best efforts.

A lot of it can be down to parenting. My mother made my brother the golden child and me the scapegoat, so I was left with intense jealousy and loathing of him during childhood. I grew out of it, but our relationship never recovered - we do speak, but it's a very distant relationship. It's not entirely down to our childhood - it seems pretty obvious now that he's autistic and simply doesn't bother with friends or wider family at all.

My adult kids, however, are best friends to each other, and socialise together all the time. There was almost no sibling jealousy or rivalry when they were young. I've got a lot of things wrong as a parent, but this is one thing I've largely managed to avoid repeating.

@coffeeandsleep I wouldn't try to project into the future because you don't know what's going to happen. You could be the best parent in the world and your children could still fall out or have different personalities and never really have the ideal relationship you're envisaging. What's wonderful for children is to have parents who facilitate their friendships with other children. That's such a gift to your child!

I had a big loving family.
4 sisters.. one is the black sheep. Middle child..awful with us all.. still is.
Rest very close.

It is personality. I just have very little in common with my sibling.

I have one sister and she is my best friend, confidant and incredible support.
My parents always always tried to treat us fairly if I got something my sis would get the same. my parents also NEVER got involved in our arguments and squabbles. If we were kicking off my mum would break us apart, and say she is not interested in details and we both need to calm down and discuss it later.
from observing friends relationships with siblings its often parents unfair treatment and rivalry that causes problems
I'm very lucky because my sister is just a lovely person, she's caring, clever, funny, hard working and I suppose it s just easy to be friends with someone like that.

My kids get on well. I definitely think that favouritism or setting a bad example with adults bickering and bitching rubs off. I was given good advice when mine bickered that fighters like an audience, so I made myself scarce.

there's 3.5yrs between my older brother than me.. he's an asshole, but i love him, and both of us would walk over hot coals to help each other out.

We did not get on as kids, vaguely as teens, but have done as adults quite well. We spend social time together voluntarily, and have both supported each other through marriage breakdowns, kid related crises, health problems.

I know if i need help i need only ask and it's the same for him.

I couldn't tell you if its nature or nurture, but we both have similar interests.

It's also true that having a close bond with a sibling isn't the only point of having multiple children. My DC have learned from having each other around - taking turns, showing consideration for others, how to handle others' opinions and emotions etc.

Eldest gets to - ahem - test out leadership skills helping the younger one. Youngest learns how to do heaps of stuff from older one.

Smaller families means we put more pressure on sibling relationships, in the days when you'd have 9 siblings in a family there would be more choice of who to bond with!

I think a lot of it is personality. I get on fine with my siblings but we're not close - we just don't have much in common. I honestly don't think it was a consideration in having a 2nd child, for us. Have a 2nd child because you and your partner would like one.

Thanks everyone for sharing your stories - lots to weigh up for me!

Depends I think. Me and my sibling are chalk and cheese to an extent. Fought a lot as kids. TBH I felt my mother and sibling had a close bond, entitled behaviour was tolerated more due to sibling being so difficult and I was sidelined. I felt like the ugly duckling and left out and still bear scars to this day. Not sure if related to my parents. I think they were in some ways scared of my sibling. But also sibling and mother had a bit of an alliance which I don't think felt fair.

I'd say, based on my own experience, that your chances of having siblings who are close and get on are about 50/50. No better than that.

And that's even if you do your best as a parent.

So do not have a second child for this reason alone.

I am one of three. I am not close with either sibling, but I do have good memories of playing together on holiday and it was definitely a benefit to have sibling support when our parents died. My older sister was also the person I turned to when I had my first child to ask for parenting advice. We may not have much in common and some of the things they say irritate me, but I am glad I have siblings. I am also glad I had two children. They have a good bond and provide each other with something I don't think you can really get from friends or parents.

Yes same situation here with my older brother, there's been triangulation from my dm since the day I was born. He hated me and bullied me as a child then tolerated me in our teens when his friends thought I was "cool".

Dm's narc type toxic behaviour has been the main reason, but I feel db still wouldn't bother with me if she wasn't around, he has no interest in me or my own family. I've given up trying to have any kind of relationship with db now, as it's started to effect my dd. Spent months trying to arrange for her to see her cousins and it's always either they're busy or I get no reply. It's like a rejection of her now as well so I'm officially giving up trying

I don't know really. We had a good upbringing, supportive parents etc, but my DB and I are very different. We've only recently become more friendly as he's started having children, but even then it's more because his GF and I get on well

As boring as it sounds, it can be either, I’m sure some parents drive wedges between siblings by anointing a golden child vs black sheep, or parents could try and cultivate a loving relationship but the siblings just do not mix naturally, complete opposites to one another, think of that scenario like work colleagues, sometimes we just don’t like one another.

I strongly believe that no one owes anything to another human just because they are related, I think we would all have much better lives if we lived by this rule. I haven’t been in contact with my sister for a decade, and before that it was patchy as adults, we did try though.

She is nine years older than me, and I know from the moment I was conceived, she resented me. She took my mum on a roller coaster when pregnant hoping to be rid of me, she used to dig her nails into my hand while I was in my cot until I screamed. A few years later because my parents had to work she was left in charge of me, she would mentally torment me, scream at me, until I was screaming, then bribe me with a tracker bar, which was my favourite so I didn’t tell, there was some physical abuse as well.

She had this narrative that I was the favourite child, I’m sure it could come across like that, as she was boisterous and I was quiet and shy, so kept my head down, but the thing is, we still had the same floored parents, they did their best but I had my own issues with them. For example, I wasn’t the child they expected, I was shy and sensitive, when apparently i should have been adventurous and a little rouge, I was called soft, a tart etc, I’m sure you get the picture.

I think there are reasons behind some of my sisters behaviours, but instead of helping me and being close, she was just a bloody psycho to me, and it never improved, maybe small windows of getting along as adults. But then 10 years ago she slandered me on Facebook out of nowhere. I started getting messages from ex colleagues and old primary school friends, she was contacting them and saying awful untrue things, and that was that, I’m done forever!

She and other family members have tried to heal it, but I’m done, some seem to think I should forgive, they say daft things like ‘I don’t know what happened between you two, but she’s your sister’ and other such pointless stuff. It reminds me of the injustice as a kid, when another kid starts on you and the adults won’t listen that it wasn’t your fault and just say ‘I don’t care who started it’, but it wasn’t your fault, but your still in trouble!

With siblings OP it’s a very random lottery, if you want another, then go for it, but do it because you want it, don’t ever think it will automatically be a lifetime friend for your first child.