Are bad sibling relationships usually due to the parenting?

[coffeeandsleep]

I’m really stuck on whether to have another child. I love the idea of a sibling bond but I see so many adults non-contact or indifferent with their siblings.

This has happened again and again in my own family in past generations and I don’t want history to repeat itself.

I’m wondering how much of is driven by the family environment, different treatment by parents. Any thoughts?

Then there are those who say don’t have a second child purely for the sibling reason but I do see that siblings can be really positive and enrich life when the relationship is strong. Is it such a invalid reason to have a second?

I think some of it is down to parenting
eg not letting one child bully the other
encouraging respect for the other
teaching them to communicate rather than fight
treating them fairly (no golden child, preferring one child over the other) etc….

Some of it is down to their own temperament, life choices (eg moving very far from each other) etc….

I know you’re keen on avoiding the fallout you’ve noticed in your family but please remember that being an only child has drawback too and isn’t always an easy or easier position to be in, esp as an adult.

I have 2 DB'S, one a year younger and the other 5 years younger. I would honestly be lost in life without them. We all have spoken many times about how no-one else really gets you the same way as your siblings do and we have a real unbreakable bond. We now all have young children of our own and it makes my heart glow seeing them all together too. I know not everyone has this and maybe it is to do with the way you're brought up as my parents are both also close with their siblings but siblings are the best ime

My kids are 19 and 20 and not close. They have completely different personalities and just do not gel. Nothing to do with how I raised them.

Me and my sisters are best friends.

we had a rocky upbringing and neither of my parents saw their siblings regularly.

I'm no contact with my brother who is an absolute selfish misogynistic nasty bastard. He is that way because he's the eldest son and treated as the golden child by my parents. Us daughters will never be as good as him in the parents eyes. Absolutely I say looking at any estranged siblings in my family it's been down to the parenting.

Make sure your parenting covers what happens to your money after you die. That's a common thing to fall out over. Seen some very nasty rifts appear after a death. But usually there is one person wanting more than they are entitled to or resentful of a sibling who did more getting more etc. I would argue that entitlement and selfishness is due to parenting in a large part although perhaps not completely

One bit of advice I'd give is don't get involved in your kids' arguments where possible. Let them argue and work things out themselves. I think my parents were well meaning but they often tried to get involved and determine who was 'right' so they could tell off the one who was in the wrong and resolve the argument etc. I think for the kids I know who grew up closer than we did, they were allowed to fight like cat and dog and then resolve it between themselves rather than with an adult arbiter!

I should caveat my previous post- obviously not in cases of bullying or anything truly awful. But if it's just bickering, let them!

Agree @PurpleBugz whether there are siblings or not, it’s good to consider what happens with elderly care and also the inheritance which does seem to be a big cause of rifts.

@DullFanFiction yes only child has drawbacks too, I think both have pros and cons. I’m just weighing up if the sibling reason is compelling enough to have a second child - based on what I’ve seen I’m not convinced so I agree with pp that it’s not a good sole reason to have a 2nd.

4years between my bro and me, we get on fine. Of course over the years there has been squabbles but nothing major. We could speak every day for weeks and then not speak for weeks but we both just understand life is busy at times.
husband, two siblings (10 & 9yr gap then him) and they barely speak. 1 he doesn’t like the partner that ‘changed’ the sibling and they also had words over the death of their mother. However, they’re all very different people 🤷🏻‍♀️ so it’s just difference of opinion. They’d speak if in same room but no one goes out their way to speak which I find odd.
our kids are 26, 22,14 & 5. eldest and 3rd are very close, 2nd and youngest have a great relationship and 3rd and 4th are besotted with one another. Eldest has lived away from home for 6yrs and it hasn’t stopped their relationship with their siblings which I think says a lot about them all as they’re all happy to be/speak with one another and I hope it continues!
no one can say how things will work out and if you’re considering another child then I think you should, you’d regret it otherwise ☺️

Wondering if it's down to biology. Getting along when young. Then leaving the nest and keeping as much distance as possible when older - avoids incest/spreads genes further etc.

I can’t imagine my life without my siblings, as much as there was fights we had so much fun and amazing times, when our parents were drinking with other family members I had my siblings, we supported each other through everything, having them totally enriched my life and one is my best friend today

If you think about it, they are two individuals so for them to get along (even moreso as adults) is by chance. From what I can see around me, most of the people I know don't have close sibling relationships

The only ok sibling relationship in my wider family across three generations is my and my sister… and I think it helps we’re in different countries. We’re not that close, don’t have shared interests, and our lives are very different, but we get on enough for me to want to see her.

across everyone else - DH, parents, in-laws, my grandparents - there are very weird relationships including NC. I don’t think it’s all parenting but there are some very strong characters and personalities and once the “habit” of family has gone, I wonder how much it is easy to develop in the next generation.

i look at my three, who adore each other more than (I think) the average of their ages do - certainly they’re very happy to be in each others company and actively want to do things together - and have kept on wondering what, if anything, I can do to preserve this…

My mother and I have discussed this a lot. My sister is a very difficult woman and was a very difficult child. She made my childhood hell and in adulthood she's been vicious to me. Currently she is not speaking to me which suits me fine.

My mother says she believes things could have gone very differently if she had been able to access all the services we can now. They were very young parents and there was no support to mange children like my sister.

I have a very shaky relationship with my brother, partly because of narcissistic mothers—I was a golden child as far as my grandmother was concerned, but he was the golden child for both our parents.

It was complicated when he married someone who speaks to me some years and doesn't in other years, and it's a massive elephant in the room. I don't know what he has said to her about me but I suspect that's part of her reason though she also treats other people the same way and he puts up with it.

I was horribly damaged by the parenting I had and so was he, but in ways that are less difficult to cope with.

I grew up an only child. It was lonely, especially being the only child of a mentally ill drug addict. I always wanted a huge family, ended up with two kids with 13 months between them. They're teenagers now, one DD one DS they are like chalk and cheese personality wise, and they bicker like mad, but they are also so close, very protective of each other, still enjoy hanging out together, playing games together, going on days out together. I've always tried to drum into them that they stick together, help and support each other, I really hope they have a close relationship as adults. Their dad comes from a huge family. He has 5 siblings. They still bicker, argue and fall in and out but ultimately they are very close, and I'm a little jealous if I'm honest. I would love to have a brother or sister.

I am the middle child with an older brother and younger sister - I can’t imagine my childhood without them and all the fun times we had, and we have remained really close into adulthood. I think my parents making effort to get us all together has massively helped this. Always a big effort goes into getting us together for meals, weekends away etc.
DH and brother aren’t close at all and his parents seemed to enjoy doing everything separately with each child from late teens. I think a big part comes down to the parents.

I have three DC who are really close and hope that continues as they grow up… I will certainly be doing everything I can to ensure they continue to have healthy close relationships

I don’t see or really have any contact with one sibling. No bad feeling, just nothing to say to each other . I rarely see the other one and only for short periods about once a year, if that. I don’t really like her and we are very different . One of my children is virtually NC with the others. It’s very sad. I think a lot is to do with age gaps, personalities and circumstances, though parenting does play a part. I think if children see their own parents having close relationships with siblings and wider family, it creates a template.

Also I have three cousins on my father’s side and the two sisters hate each other. Their brother lives in another country.

It's clear from this thread that parenting can definitely mess up a sibling relationship.

Assuming you're not going to be toxic parenting and actively destroy sibling relationships, then I think it's down to luck what personalities your children are born with and how that develops and whether they get on.

You can't control their genetics and then there are so many other factors as they grow up like friends and romantic relationships that are also beyond your control that I don't think you should be worrying about this.

lol I’ve always said no point having just one. Siblings are always worth it.

100000% a parenting component to it. You gonna call you kid out on their shit. Teach them to be a good and tolerant person. Able to see others perspectives.

Lots of personality aspects, but even if you don’t like each other, you love each other and are there for one another.

even growing up. My sibling and their interested rounded me out as a human being. I have great jobs because I can talk to and connect with anyone.

totally worth it! Have two more!

Personality and attitudes I think.

You can't choose who your siblings are, so of course, you can't guarantee they'll get on.
There are benefits to having more than one definitely, but I do think there are benefits to just having one as well.

I'm not always convinced by people who say they they felt lonely and miserable as an only child. Surely there's more to it than that. Either they had a shitty upbringing as well or they were of a certain personality and didn't make friends easily.

Agreed. DH and I avoid one of his siblings because of their current (very unpleasant) partner.

I’m one of 5 sisters adore 2, 1 is fine but zero in common and can’t stand 1.