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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I in the wrong? Husbands Anger

119 replies

LJJWER · 10/07/2024 08:12

I've always had to deal with my husbands short temper. It's not necessarily dealt at me or our kids. But it is sometimes.

This morning I was up with the kids (as usual) and someone was outside in their car playing music. It was quite loud and disruptive and of course it woke him up. It was time to get up anyway but his first thought it's to open the window and begin yelling at the person (who obviously cannot hear him). So he then puts his clothes on and goes out to tell them to turn it down. But it's not going out to say excuse me can you please turn it down...its a woman in the car and he proceeds to bash on the window and yell at her...she kind of said something to effect of why are you bashing on the window or something and he then tells her to fuck off and says she's a stupid bitch.
Meanwhile our children are in the house eating breakfast listening to all of this! This is what I hate.
If he feels inconvenienced, he thinks he has the right to fly off the handle to me, the kids...anyone.
I grabbed something off the top of the dryer and because I wasn't jolly about the situation he stomped up stairs like a teenager mumbling something under his breath. I went upstairs to see what he was saying and it's just blew up.
I was trying to get my point accross that his steaming over to someone (particularly a woman) sat in her car can be perceived as aggressive and so maybe not the way to approach the situation. He's having none of it. Shouting, screaming at me that I don't have his back, his life is shit, I am horrible, names, swearing and the rest.
I can see the kids are scared.

He reckons it's me who started the fight? Did I? Should I have just left it alone ? Do I just sit back and ignore his unacceptable behaviour? My head is spinning. I am so sick of being treated like this. If he thinks someone has done him wrong it's his right to act like this? I don't want the kids thinking this is OK. Especially when it comes to the name calling etc.

He's now threatening to leave. Saying its my fault. I couldn't let it go. Should I have ? Or do I stand my ground. Honestly I'm in such a fog now and looking after a baby and 3 year old today.

Not sure what I want from this post but I just needed to get it out ....

OP posts:
Hillcrest2022 · 10/07/2024 08:15

No, you're not in the wrong, he very much is.

Let me guess, he's always the victim and never takes accountability for his actions or his anger? I had to deal with that for years and thankfully left him and I think you should let him go.

DracoDormiensNumquamTittilandum · 10/07/2024 08:16

Let him go, he's horrible!

Enko · 10/07/2024 08:18

No you are not in the wrong. I would suggest he leaves

NotAlexa · 10/07/2024 08:18

Well yeah, don’t go after him to “talk this over” when he’s fuming. It’s just asking for trouble!

I would have ignored and quietly got kids ready and taken to school. Let him brew in his own cauldron. And that woman is a big girl, she’s an adult with driving licence and can deal with it herself.

Luckily my husband is an absolute gentleman though, so never came to this.

sparkles79 · 10/07/2024 08:18

He sounds horrid. And no it's not you, it's him.

CucumberBagel · 10/07/2024 08:19

NotAlexa · 10/07/2024 08:18

Well yeah, don’t go after him to “talk this over” when he’s fuming. It’s just asking for trouble!

I would have ignored and quietly got kids ready and taken to school. Let him brew in his own cauldron. And that woman is a big girl, she’s an adult with driving licence and can deal with it herself.

Luckily my husband is an absolute gentleman though, so never came to this.

Ew.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 10/07/2024 08:20

He wasn't unreasonable to be annoyed at being woken up, but his reaction is totally OTT and unreasonable. I could understand it if the same person had done it many times despite being asked not to, but for a first offense it's not ok.

What would have happened if you had not followed him up the stairs and raised it with him later?

Icanttakethisanymore · 10/07/2024 08:20

Let him go and changes locks. What an entitled prick. Don’t let your children grow up in fear, because they will.

SavetheNHS · 10/07/2024 08:21

Violence around you or your children is abuse.

Icanttakethisanymore · 10/07/2024 08:22

NotAlexa · 10/07/2024 08:18

Well yeah, don’t go after him to “talk this over” when he’s fuming. It’s just asking for trouble!

I would have ignored and quietly got kids ready and taken to school. Let him brew in his own cauldron. And that woman is a big girl, she’s an adult with driving licence and can deal with it herself.

Luckily my husband is an absolute gentleman though, so never came to this.

Yeah - good plan, let the kids think that normal behaviour and the best thing to do is ‘keep quiet’ so they don’t make it worse. 🙄

VisitationRights · 10/07/2024 08:22

He should leave, his behaviour is toxic and damaging to you and your children.

Harvestfestivalknickers · 10/07/2024 08:28

Stay calm and when he threatens to leave say 'perhaps that's best'.
By blowing up and going totally OTT about his behaviour he's indicating that you should never question him or tell him he's wrong. It's setting a pattern of you not challenging him and him always being right. Prepare for a life of you and the kids standing on eggshells.

NotAlexa · 10/07/2024 08:28

Icanttakethisanymore · 10/07/2024 08:22

Yeah - good plan, let the kids think that normal behaviour and the best thing to do is ‘keep quiet’ so they don’t make it worse. 🙄

Show quote history

And the alternative is to go after fuming husband and shouting at him? So now the conflict between strangers has been brought inside the house and created a bad family environment?

Sorry, I grew up in a family that never raised voices. But my father is Soviet, and is a bit weird. So as a kid I was explained by my mother that daddy somethings has different unorthodox ways of dealing with problems, not that she agreed with them. I simply learnt to accept that people can be different at reacting to things - OPs husband is reactive, so just leave him to it. No need to throw fuel to the fire! That’s not conflict resolution - that’s conflict creation.

NDornotND · 10/07/2024 08:29

I can't imagine living with someone like this. It must be so stressful for you and your children. Does he have amazing qualities that compensate for his foul temper? My instinct would be to let him go, since that's what he's threatening. Sounds like your life could be more pleasant and peaceful without him. How do you feel when he threatens to leave? How would your home feel differently if he wasn't there?

FatLarrysBanned · 10/07/2024 08:33

Does he manage to keep his temper at work (which indicates he can control it)?

One day he'll gob off at the wrong person and get his block knocked off, unless he's one if those bullies that saves it for women/children/men smaller than him.

He sounds awful. Hopefully you aren't reliant on him for the roof over your head and you can make a plan to save your children from a life time of walking on eggshells and wondering what mood daddy will be in when he wakes up.

SagePenguin · 10/07/2024 08:39

@NotAlexa where in the OP's post does it say that she was shouting at him?

@LJJWER this sounds like it's something that happens often, and no, it's not your fault. And now he's 'threatening' to leave is he?

He's abusive. Have a good think about whether you want to remain in a marriage and bring your children up with such a man. It's often recommended to contact Women's Aid in these circumstances. I'd certainly have a look at their website.

Go gently today 💐

Onthemaintrunkline · 10/07/2024 08:39

I’m wondering if his behaviour has you living on your nerves? When’s he going to kick off again, how angry is he going to get, how abusive towards me will he be? How frightened will the children be, and how long before he calms down…..only to go thru the whole cycle again and again. This must be awful. I can’t imagine living like this, putting up with him, his anger and moods then having the brass neck to blame you! All I’ll say - if nothing changes, nothing changes. He sounds an embarrassing nightmare. I wish you the best of luck.

Justleaveitblankthen · 10/07/2024 08:41

NotAlexa · 10/07/2024 08:18

Well yeah, don’t go after him to “talk this over” when he’s fuming. It’s just asking for trouble!

I would have ignored and quietly got kids ready and taken to school. Let him brew in his own cauldron. And that woman is a big girl, she’s an adult with driving licence and can deal with it herself.

Luckily my husband is an absolute gentleman though, so never came to this.

Let's hope you are never on the receiving end of a shouting, screaming and verbally offensive mysogynistic male then.
I had it happen to me as I innocently parked completely legally outside a newsagents.

The 6 foot tall, 6 foot wide builder next door was spitting blood because he wanted the spot himself and started banging on my windows.

Funny that as soon as my male friend left the shop and arrived, you didn't see him for dust.

It's frightening.

gamerchick · 10/07/2024 08:43

I can see the kids are scared

And you're worried him leaving and whether it's your fault?

Tell him that yes, it's for the best if he does leave. Protect your kids.

AppleCream · 10/07/2024 08:45

He shouted and screamed and swore at you and then blamed you? OP, you deserve to be in a relationship where this doesn't happen. Ever.

Chartreux · 10/07/2024 08:49

Insist on a grown-up conversation about this when he's calmer. Point out that it's really bad for the children to see and hear this all the time, that a much more effective way of dealing with minor annoyances like this is just to go out and politely ask the person to stop or turn the music down, and his life isn't shit just because you suggest to him a calmer way of going about his life.

If he's not prepared to take that on board, he's not a grown-up and you need to point out that you don't need an extra child in the house.

rainbowsparkle28 · 10/07/2024 08:51

You are not in the wrong. Wtf - why are you putting up with this?! He is saying he is going to leave? Let him. In fact tell him he has to leave. You and your kids deserve better and not to live in fear.

AutumnFroglets · 10/07/2024 08:52

He's now threatening to leave.

Let him go. In fact offer to pack his suitcase for him. You will never win with a man like this so the only way to protect yourself and the children is to separate. He might go to anger management courses, he might go to counselling, he might suddenly have a eureka moment and change into a loving and supportive partner but until he does actually change for the better (consistently) you need to live apart.

I see you've recently had a baby - that is when abusive men suddenly ramp up the abuse. It's because they think you are trapped and unable to leave.

CurlewKate · 10/07/2024 08:55

@NotAlexa "Well yeah, don’t go after him to “talk this over” when he’s fuming. It’s just asking for trouble!

I would have ignored and quietly got kids ready and taken to school. Let him brew in his own cauldron. And that woman is a big girl, she’s an adult with driving licence and can deal with it herself.

Luckily my husband is an absolute gentleman though, so never came to this"

I presume this is irony?