Am I in the wrong? Husbands Anger

[LJJWER]

I've always had to deal with my husbands short temper. It's not necessarily dealt at me or our kids. But it is sometimes.

This morning I was up with the kids (as usual) and someone was outside in their car playing music. It was quite loud and disruptive and of course it woke him up. It was time to get up anyway but his first thought it's to open the window and begin yelling at the person (who obviously cannot hear him). So he then puts his clothes on and goes out to tell them to turn it down. But it's not going out to say excuse me can you please turn it down...its a woman in the car and he proceeds to bash on the window and yell at her...she kind of said something to effect of why are you bashing on the window or something and he then tells her to fuck off and says she's a stupid bitch.
Meanwhile our children are in the house eating breakfast listening to all of this! This is what I hate.
If he feels inconvenienced, he thinks he has the right to fly off the handle to me, the kids...anyone.
I grabbed something off the top of the dryer and because I wasn't jolly about the situation he stomped up stairs like a teenager mumbling something under his breath. I went upstairs to see what he was saying and it's just blew up.
I was trying to get my point accross that his steaming over to someone (particularly a woman) sat in her car can be perceived as aggressive and so maybe not the way to approach the situation. He's having none of it. Shouting, screaming at me that I don't have his back, his life is shit, I am horrible, names, swearing and the rest.
I can see the kids are scared.

He reckons it's me who started the fight? Did I? Should I have just left it alone ? Do I just sit back and ignore his unacceptable behaviour? My head is spinning. I am so sick of being treated like this. If he thinks someone has done him wrong it's his right to act like this? I don't want the kids thinking this is OK. Especially when it comes to the name calling etc.

He's now threatening to leave. Saying its my fault. I couldn't let it go. Should I have ? Or do I stand my ground. Honestly I'm in such a fog now and looking after a baby and 3 year old today.

Not sure what I want from this post but I just needed to get it out ....

So, firs, you're clearly not in the wrong. Take a big deep breath, cut yourself sone slack and focus on your kids right now.

For later: your husband obviously needs anger management counselling. What he did is not acceptable by any standards. The kids are scared and he is setting them a poor example. So something pretty fundamental is needed.

This is good advice for appeasing abusers so you don’t get hit. Whether OP should stay in the relationship appeasing this man, avoiding being hit most of the time, but her and the children living in fear of him flying off the handle at any moment, is a slightly different matter.

If he is offering to leave I would grab that with both hands OP.

He needs therapy or anger management help to teach him how to deal with his out of control emotions. If he does get this then maybe there is a future here.

My ex was exactly like this. I don’t think he would have gone out and shouted at a woman but he’d get angry at the slightest thing and then I’d challenge him and big row. It triggered me so bad as I’d grown up in a household of parents arguing / fighting, coming home and never knowing if everything was fine, or a big row had taken place. It wasn’t the thing that made me leave, something else happened but I’m sure I’d have left anyway as i absolutely hated it. His behaviour is unacceptable. I’ve told my ex many times (including recently) that he needs anger management. His parents allowed him to be screaming and shouting at home and I don’t think that helped. He had a face that shows exactly how he’s feeling so one look at him and I’d think, here we go. No way to live and I wasn’t putting my kids through what I went through.

I'm going to take a punt on him not behaving like this at work.
He sounds awful. Let him leave, life will be far more calm and peaceful.

@NotAlexa

And the alternative is to go after fuming husband and shouting at him?

Where are you getting this from? Where does it say she shouted at him?

He shouted at the woman in the car, in front of the kids.

He shouted at OP, in front of the kids.

He frightened the kids. Who are three and a baby ffs.

Mystified as to how you've managed to paint her as a fellow aggressor in this.

Unbelievable.

He's threatening to leave and may well do so but will probably come back. Why would you want him to? Don't pander to him. The threat is abusive and the action is abusive. Walking out on his wife and his kids after a tantrum. Get your ducks in a row and LTB. Your children will have a much better life for it.

Read your post objectively. What would you advise someone whose partner behaved that way towards anyone? What a role model for the children….

What was his temper like 3 years ago before you had children?

“its a woman in the car and he proceeds to bash on the window and yell at her...she kind of said something to effect of why are you bashing on the window or something and he then tells her to fuck off and says she's a stupid bitch.“
This is not ok.
“If he feels inconvenienced, he thinks he has the right to fly off the handle to me, the kids...anyone.”
This is not ok.
“Shouting, screaming at me that I don't have his back, his life is shit, I am horrible, names, swearing and the rest.”
This is not ok.
“I can see the kids are scared.”
This is not ok.
You don’t deserve to live a life of walking on eggshells and dealing with his bullying behaviour, unwilling to voice even mild criticism because he might lose his shit in front of the kids to ensure you don’t do it again.
More importantly your kids don’t deserve to have to grow up frightened of their dad and his reactions.

Your poor kids, they will grow up walking on eggshells for fear of making daddy angry. I know it is really difficult to leave with such small kids but for their sake, and yours, you really need to start planning a more peaceful life for just the 3 of you.

I was reading a thread yesterday about people having happy lives after divorce. Hopefully this link goes straight to the post I wanted to share:
www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/5114650-things-ive-noticed-since-the-divorce?reply=136611638&utm_campaign=reply&utm_medium=share

Aggression isn’t just using your fists. He is aggressive.

Do you have anywhere to go or anyone to talk to in real life?

So suggest he packs his stuff and fucks off.

Ask if he needs help packing.
Let him leave. I bet if it was a man in the car he wouldn't have acted like that.

He started a fight with the woman in the car. And his behaviour is awful and really not good for your kids (or you) to be around.

But since you directly ask: on this occasion, you following him up the stairs was you starting the fight between the two of you.

Wow, talk about victim blaming. The woman in the car was a victim of a criminal offence and the OP and her children are most likely the victims of domestic abuse in the form of controlling and coercive control. This is not made up s**t, look at the laws and guidelines.

But you know, as long as YOU would have quietly ignored it and YOUR husband is an absolute gentlemen, the OP is as good as gold.

No wonder violence towards woman is at epidemic levels with woman like you that justify it.

I am not sure it would have been any different. At least it wouldn't have been in front of the child...and how it effects them is my biggest concern.
He isn't in a very good place lately and he is going through assessment for ahdh. But all of that is not a pass to act any way he pleases.

I suppose it would be best for everyone to leave it he has "calmed down" and the kids are out of the way. But I find it hard not to say anything when I think he is acting unreasonable. Especially in front of the kids.

If he’s going let him go immediately. Sit down tonight and you will have peace. No aggression, fear or walking round on eggshells. Peace is much better than living like this. And life is much easier.

No, I would say the alternative is to leave him.

You are right to say that people are different and in relationships we should make adjustments for peoples quirks etc. but this level of aggression would be a red line for me. I wouldn't want my children to be scared of dad flying off the handle and I wouldn't want to teach them that shouting at and intimidating strangers who have upset you is an acceptable way to behave. 'Leaving him to it' isn't possible because behaviour like this affects everyone and we are constantly modelling behaviour for our children.

He does have redeeming qualities although it recent years I seem to be receiving less from the relationship and he seems to get away with alot more. My priorities are with the children and I think he feels pushed out by that at times.

I think two things. "Don't go after him" is good in the moment safety advice BUT after that comes addressing the continuing situation and yes, regardless of the backstory this behaviour cannot be allowed to continue.

Yeah I didn't shout. I just tried to explain that there is more ways to skin a cat and maybe aggression shouldn't be th go to emotion over something like this.

I'm not a shouter.

He is a shouter, swearer, name caller. All in front of the kids.
It's never my goal to escalate in front of them but i find it hard to bite my tongue in the moment.
I need to remember that biting my tongue benefits the kids...not him.

LJJWER

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. If someone else wrote your posts what would your advice be?.

Make no mistake here, this is no atmosphere for you to be raising two children in. As they get older they will see and hear more and they are already being affected by their dad's abuse of you as their mum.

Many abusive men ramp up the abuse further towards their spouse or partner when children are born. Their position as being The Big Almighty Number 1 has been usurped by the children and they do not like that at all. Also such men hate women, ALL of them.

He has a problem with anger, YOUR anger when you rightly call him out on his abusive behaviour. Abuse is not a relationship issue either and anger management courses are NO answer to domestic violence which is what you are really describing here.

Your only real option here is to leave him going forwards. Do contact Womens Aid for their further support and help to leave safely. Your safety here is of paramount concern and importance. I would consider also seeking legal advice re all aspects of separation and divorce.

Dear OP, please do not ignore this and sit back and accept this unacceptable behaviour. Please consider calling The Freephone National Domestic Abuse Helpline, run by Refuge on 0808 2000 247 0808 2000 247 (free at any time, day or night. The staff will offer confidential, non-judgemental information and support)

or visiting https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/getting-help-for-domestic-violence/ for my resources to help you.

Also, do consider ignoring the gaslighting comments on here that somehow you are to blame, especially if you decided to go up the stairs…??!

You and your young children need help to extricate yourself from this situation which sounds like it is escalating and could escalate further.