Am I in the wrong? Husbands Anger

[LJJWER]

I've always had to deal with my husbands short temper. It's not necessarily dealt at me or our kids. But it is sometimes.

This morning I was up with the kids (as usual) and someone was outside in their car playing music. It was quite loud and disruptive and of course it woke him up. It was time to get up anyway but his first thought it's to open the window and begin yelling at the person (who obviously cannot hear him). So he then puts his clothes on and goes out to tell them to turn it down. But it's not going out to say excuse me can you please turn it down...its a woman in the car and he proceeds to bash on the window and yell at her...she kind of said something to effect of why are you bashing on the window or something and he then tells her to fuck off and says she's a stupid bitch.
Meanwhile our children are in the house eating breakfast listening to all of this! This is what I hate.
If he feels inconvenienced, he thinks he has the right to fly off the handle to me, the kids...anyone.
I grabbed something off the top of the dryer and because I wasn't jolly about the situation he stomped up stairs like a teenager mumbling something under his breath. I went upstairs to see what he was saying and it's just blew up.
I was trying to get my point accross that his steaming over to someone (particularly a woman) sat in her car can be perceived as aggressive and so maybe not the way to approach the situation. He's having none of it. Shouting, screaming at me that I don't have his back, his life is shit, I am horrible, names, swearing and the rest.
I can see the kids are scared.

He reckons it's me who started the fight? Did I? Should I have just left it alone ? Do I just sit back and ignore his unacceptable behaviour? My head is spinning. I am so sick of being treated like this. If he thinks someone has done him wrong it's his right to act like this? I don't want the kids thinking this is OK. Especially when it comes to the name calling etc.

He's now threatening to leave. Saying its my fault. I couldn't let it go. Should I have ? Or do I stand my ground. Honestly I'm in such a fog now and looking after a baby and 3 year old today.

Not sure what I want from this post but I just needed to get it out ....

None of what you write re him are any excuse or justification for his abuses of you and in turn your children. What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here?.

What do you mean you won't be leaving?. (You want him to leave you instead?) You and he need to be apart going forwards regardless of who leaves whom.

Trying to talk to him about any aspect of his abuse towards you is a waste of time and effort. He knows how you feel and does not care a jot for you or his children whom he also seems intent in harming.

@LJJWER

"I need to remember that biting my tongue benefits the kids...not him"

But it does benefit him though doesn't it? You bite your tongue and stay quiet and THAT achieves exactly what he wants - he wants you to shut up and put up. Every time he shouts/kicks off it is done with a purpose and that is to impose his will and allow him to behave as he wishes towards his 'loved ones'.
Do you have any sons? Do you want to see them behaving the exact same way as they grow and become adults?
Do you have any daughters? Do you want to see them accepting the same treatment as young girls, teenagers or adults?
Does he treat his parents/family/friends the same way?
Are his victims outside the house nearly always female?

You have no real voice in your home and neither do your children. Your children are not having the safe, warm, supportive upbringing that you would like them to have are they? They will walk on egg shells just like you.
A partner who needs to react in such a way to little every day inconveniences is not someone who loves you and your DC as you should be loved.
Other posters have put contact details for organisations that can help you - please contact them

He may have ADHD but that is a completely separate issue from the fact that he is violent and abusive.

Can you imagine how terrifying it would be to be that woman in the car, having some great big bloke come over yelling abuse and throwing his fists around?

How even more terrifying it must be for your children to see this man violently raging and yelling at their own mother?

If you're not scared for yourself, you surely must be terrified for your kids?

How can you even think of staying with him? An adhd assessment is not going to change the fact that he is violent and abusive. You need to get him out. He says he's leaving - good. I would take that seriously. Pack his bag for him. Tell him you understand he has to go and you'll be in touch about the technicalities.

I really hope the poor woman in the car goes to the police - after all she knows where he lives.

You think you're protecting your DC but you're not Op, they're hearing and seeing this, they probably already know to avoid their Dad when he's angry. It's not a good role model for them Op, they'd be better off in a quieter home with less money than this

https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/getting-help-for-domestic-violence/

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

He can clearly control his anger when it suits him or he wouldn’t have a job.

Let the trash take itself out.

There is absolutely no way that you should have to endure, let alone put up with, this shit.

Tell him that he won't go. When he does, change the locks and file for divorce. It can be hard at first on your own with little ones but it's never going to be as bad as what you're suffering now . And report this shit like yesterday. It's totally abuse.

Prenez courage, OP. You'll be much better off.

Forget about the rights or wrongs of this particular incident - the point is that his behaviour is scary, out of control.
If he has this little self-control, then somebody is going to get hurt (you, the kids, him, someone else?) and in the meantime the kids are either being traumatised or conditioned to think this is normal.
What do you think might have happened if the person in the car was a 6'4" 20 stone thug with a similar attitude problem??
Sure, he's threatening to leave - but probably this is the same unmeasured or thought out response as when he first went outside.

Some here will be saying 'just get out, get rid' but maybe work, finances, whatever are causing him stress that he just doesn't have the emotional tools to be able to deal with.

He needs to change, and needs help to be able to change. And if he genuinely can't do this, at that stage, he's got to go.

Totally agree with this. Unless the conversation is about when he can leave, there’s no point in it.

I think you have reached the stage where you need legal advice.

This is horrible for you and damaging for your children. You can’t live your life this way. If I were you I would be making an exit plan.

@LJJWER bless you, he is no role model and you sound like you are trying to fix things by changing yourself. He needs to change himself. He needs to have an epiphany. Stop making excuses for him - it would be better for all of you if he was elsewhere. Maybe then he can work on himself and you can make a go of it, or not. But something has to change and I don’t think it’s you.

You're most definitely in the wrong to let your little children to be subjected to his angry outbursts. You say you're not leaving though so 🤷‍♀️

He needs to sort himself out. He can not live in your home recenting his choices.
Walking around lashing out needs to settle down before something happens.
You were advised to not follow him up stairs by a pp...I think this is so it does not escalate his anger or cause you more abuse.
How or where can can he go asap to sort himself out.
When your children are older and he is doing this to them then what?.

Your children are terrified of your husband. They are already emotionally damaged by living with an aggressive, frightening man. How will you protect them from this going forward?

To be clear, there is only one option.

Leave him!!!!

OP he is abusive. Leave.

You say you're not leaving, but you have to OP. This man is abusing you and your children.

Now he's shouting at you and calling you names, blaming you for everything.

Does he take opportunities to "accidentally" hurt you, like bashing into you with his shoulders when you walk past or snatching things aggressively out of your hands?

Does he paint a picture where you are the reason he goes off in a rage?

Does he try and get the children to think it's your fault, too?

Does he deliberately ruin the things you've been doing, like messing up folded laundry or messing up a tidied room?

Does he try to frighten you, for example by slamming things down close to you or driving too fast deliberately?

If he doesn't yet, you bet he will soon. Men like this only get worse. He is testing you now, seeing if you will let him leave or whether you will put up with this dogshit treatment. When you accept it, he will then move to make it even worse.

This man does not love you. Do you understand that? He might say that he does, but he doesn't. If he loved you he wouldn't call you names and frighten you. He knows what he's going. He's choosing to do this.

You're asking what you could have done differently. There is nothing you could have done. Women in this position often try to look for the reason of the anger, thinking if only they behaved differently, it wouldn't happen. It's not true. He knows exactly what he's doing. He's choosing to treat you like this. He's treating you like this because he wants to, not because of anything you've done.

Leave OP!!!! I know it's hard with a baby. Give yourself time if you need to. In the meantime, save what money you can. And write everything down. Start a diary where you careful enter every single instance of aggression towards you. Write it objectively and without emotion. Transcribe what an he said to you precisely , word for word if you can remember. Date it. You need to build a record both for court and for your own self. The fog will come back real soon and it's good to read back and see that those things really happened.

This. They'll suffer in all ways. It will affect their future relationships. Their mental health. You need to wake up OP.

The thing that he doesn't want you to realise is that you are so strong. You have the power to save your children from him.

To clarify when I said I'm not leaving...I'm not taking the kids out of the home. He can be the one to go.

It depends why you went after him upstairs really, he is completely out of line and I wouldn't want to be with someone as angry as that, but you going up those stairs because he muttered something under his breath at you wasn't to calm things down, it was to have it out and basically tell him off for being an angry idiot.

You're well within your rights to do that, but it is not a way to resolve conflict, you were angry and wanted him to know about it, in sort of the same way he was angry and wanted the woman outside to know about it, then the kids got to hear the whole fallout and learn that that is how adults conduct themselves.. is that what you want for your kids future every time his short temper kicks something off?

I personally don't think you should have gone after him with the kids there like that knowing it would escalate, you'd be better off ignoring him completely, like completely until he's calmed down and apologised for creating a scene in front of the kids, then sitting him down later and telling him it's unacceptable and he needs to calm down or fuck off.. and actually mean it, because if you don't mean it, what's the point of even saying anything to him?

I'm so glad to read this 💐

Yep. Well, he's already said he's going. Obviously that was just a threat in order to manipulate you, but I would take it very seriously indeed. Pack his bag while he's at work.

He does sound very dangerous, so it might be a good idea to call Women's Aid and ask for their advice. Do you need to contact the police, for example. You will need to do this in a way that's safe for you and your kids.