Am I in the wrong? Husbands Anger

[LJJWER]

I've always had to deal with my husbands short temper. It's not necessarily dealt at me or our kids. But it is sometimes.

This morning I was up with the kids (as usual) and someone was outside in their car playing music. It was quite loud and disruptive and of course it woke him up. It was time to get up anyway but his first thought it's to open the window and begin yelling at the person (who obviously cannot hear him). So he then puts his clothes on and goes out to tell them to turn it down. But it's not going out to say excuse me can you please turn it down...its a woman in the car and he proceeds to bash on the window and yell at her...she kind of said something to effect of why are you bashing on the window or something and he then tells her to fuck off and says she's a stupid bitch.
Meanwhile our children are in the house eating breakfast listening to all of this! This is what I hate.
If he feels inconvenienced, he thinks he has the right to fly off the handle to me, the kids...anyone.
I grabbed something off the top of the dryer and because I wasn't jolly about the situation he stomped up stairs like a teenager mumbling something under his breath. I went upstairs to see what he was saying and it's just blew up.
I was trying to get my point accross that his steaming over to someone (particularly a woman) sat in her car can be perceived as aggressive and so maybe not the way to approach the situation. He's having none of it. Shouting, screaming at me that I don't have his back, his life is shit, I am horrible, names, swearing and the rest.
I can see the kids are scared.

He reckons it's me who started the fight? Did I? Should I have just left it alone ? Do I just sit back and ignore his unacceptable behaviour? My head is spinning. I am so sick of being treated like this. If he thinks someone has done him wrong it's his right to act like this? I don't want the kids thinking this is OK. Especially when it comes to the name calling etc.

He's now threatening to leave. Saying its my fault. I couldn't let it go. Should I have ? Or do I stand my ground. Honestly I'm in such a fog now and looking after a baby and 3 year old today.

Not sure what I want from this post but I just needed to get it out ....

If he shouts and swears at you in front of the kids that is an example of domestic violence towards them too. Its no life for them either and over time they could well come to copy him and use these same words against you. Its not your fault that your husband has decided to embark on his own private based war against you.

So he is saying he is leaving? Good. Can you just take him at his word, ask him when he’s going?

Life is too short to live like this, and to be honest he sounds dangerous.

Yanbu, that is a horrible environment for kids and they will learn to be anxious or walk on eggshells around him. You didn't do anything wrong, and don't deserve to live like this.

Let him leave. He's an aggressive, self important bully who's setting an awful example for your children.

You did nothing wrong.

How does it benefit your kids to grow up believing that your husband's behaviour is normal and acceptable?

You are correct. In all aspects of life. I have just convinced him to get himself assessed for adhd.
His attitude comes off as arrogant and "know it all". I think it can rub people the wrong way sometimes. I know that it stems from insecurity.
There is a whole backstory including issues with his dad and the fact we lived abroad for 10 years and moved back...now he wishes we never came back because things aren't going the way he planned (he made us move) it's just a whole mess of stuff. I'm really really trying to understand how my life has ended up in the space.

Who is assessing this man for ADHD?. Many abusive man can use that and "being in a bad place" as a "reason" for their abusive behaviour. And as you yourself write all of that is not a pass to act any way he pleases.

There is NO justification or excuse for his abuse shown towards you and in turn your children.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Jesus. what a fucking appalling response.

He sounds more like your average common or garden abusive man than someone who actually has ADHD. Regardless of whether he is or not there is no excuse for his abuse around you and your children.

You and he need to be apart and sooner rather than say 3-5 years down the line.

Let’s hope his threat to leave is a promise. His behaviour will be traumatising his kids and they will develop numerous mental health issues if he’s allowed to stay. Kick him out.

Not a role model in the slightest at the moment. He has his moments but is ultimately extremely selfish in all ways a person can be.

Your children are living in fear, do something about it.

Oh OP this is such abusive behaviour 🙁. Believing his needs are paramount, resentful of you looking after the children 'too much', aggressive, angry, shouty. This is no way for you to live, let alone your children.

And it has nothing to do with ADHD- it is entirely possible to have ADHD and be an abusive arsehole

LJJWER

re your comment
"His attitude comes off as arrogant and "know it all". I think it can rub people the wrong way sometimes. I know that it stems from insecurity.
There is a whole backstory including issues with his dad and the fact we lived abroad for 10 years and moved back...now he wishes we never came back because things aren't going the way he planned (he made us move) it's just a whole mess of stuff".

None of this suggests ADHD either. What do you know about his own childhood? What are the issues re his dad; I guess he and dad do not get along at all well. What about his mother?. In his head is he making you primarily responsible for his poor choices?. Many abusers are adept at blaming others rather than admit its their fault.

Let him leave. Your life will be better without 12 stone of this purile drama llama!

I have adhd. It isn't an excuse for aggressive or abusive behaviour.

Honestly, I would tell him that leaving is a good idea. Explain that you are concerned that his behaviour is damaging to the children and not something that you're prepared to live with. Ask him to pack his bags and go. You'll be better off without him.

I won't be leaving. But I do have a couple of friends i can talk to and I have been speaking with a therapist recently. Just booked in for Friday.

Pack his bag for him.

His dad was physically and emotionally abusive. His mother is wonderful. Has been subject to the father too.

He struggles to keep a job
Complete and see things through if he gets over whelmed
Cannot sit still
Grass is always greener.
Judgemental.

He sounds horrible. One thing I'll say is when someone is angry and feels wronged, if you approach them in a critical way, rather than either neutral or supportive, it can end in tears.
I would've probably just ignored him until he'd calmed down. But he's out of order and he upsets you and the kids. That's not acceptable.

Allowing your dcs to grow up in this environment is damaging. I know from experience. It will affect them in all ways. They will lose respect for you for not protecting them.

LTB. This is abuse.

My adult DS has ADHD. He has never been violent in any way shape or form.

It is no excuse OP. He needs to leave.

He might have ADHD.
He might have issues with his dad.

All that are reasons. Not excuses to behave the way he does.
He should not use you, your dcs or any other passing people (like that woman) as an emotional punching bag.

All of that is up to him to sort out.
Its not up to you to calm him down, organise life around him to be smooth etc…
If he is struggling so much, HE should be the one organising something to get support - counselling sounds like a good idea as well as communication course and/or a course for abusive partners (because he IS being abusive)

I am quite aware that it doesn't. Feeling extremely deflated in this moment.
I need to be able to talk to him without the kids around. It's hard to achieve