Am I in the wrong? Husbands Anger

[LJJWER]

I've always had to deal with my husbands short temper. It's not necessarily dealt at me or our kids. But it is sometimes.

This morning I was up with the kids (as usual) and someone was outside in their car playing music. It was quite loud and disruptive and of course it woke him up. It was time to get up anyway but his first thought it's to open the window and begin yelling at the person (who obviously cannot hear him). So he then puts his clothes on and goes out to tell them to turn it down. But it's not going out to say excuse me can you please turn it down...its a woman in the car and he proceeds to bash on the window and yell at her...she kind of said something to effect of why are you bashing on the window or something and he then tells her to fuck off and says she's a stupid bitch.
Meanwhile our children are in the house eating breakfast listening to all of this! This is what I hate.
If he feels inconvenienced, he thinks he has the right to fly off the handle to me, the kids...anyone.
I grabbed something off the top of the dryer and because I wasn't jolly about the situation he stomped up stairs like a teenager mumbling something under his breath. I went upstairs to see what he was saying and it's just blew up.
I was trying to get my point accross that his steaming over to someone (particularly a woman) sat in her car can be perceived as aggressive and so maybe not the way to approach the situation. He's having none of it. Shouting, screaming at me that I don't have his back, his life is shit, I am horrible, names, swearing and the rest.
I can see the kids are scared.

He reckons it's me who started the fight? Did I? Should I have just left it alone ? Do I just sit back and ignore his unacceptable behaviour? My head is spinning. I am so sick of being treated like this. If he thinks someone has done him wrong it's his right to act like this? I don't want the kids thinking this is OK. Especially when it comes to the name calling etc.

He's now threatening to leave. Saying its my fault. I couldn't let it go. Should I have ? Or do I stand my ground. Honestly I'm in such a fog now and looking after a baby and 3 year old today.

Not sure what I want from this post but I just needed to get it out ....

Good!! Make sure you have a plan. Ideally you and children somewhere else until it's done.

Well you win the prize for stupidest shit I've ever seen posted on this website, including the leaf troll.

OPs husband is not "reactive", he's abusive. And your advice here and in your previous post is categorically the worst advice to give to someone in an abusive relationship, especially one with children involved "keep quiet, pretend it's not happening, pretend it's normal, and if it does happen it's your fault for throwing fuel on the fire anyway, you provoked him". She has children who are witnessing this and you think she should just what? Condition them to accept abuse?

Honest to god give your two braincells a rattle before you give someone advice next time, your "Soviet father" is no excuse for you being an absolute fucking numbskull.

One day he'll bully the wrong person and end up getting stabbed or something.

Let him leave and be happy about it.

He won't go. It's empty words.

I agree.
Esp because abusers rarely leave their victim.

Jesus Christ, I feel so bloody sorry for your children. You say they are your priority but they really aren't or you wouldn't be exposing them to this. You need to get rid of this horrible name calling bully other wise you are complicit in exposing your children to this monster. I can promise you, being raised by a horrible man with constant anger issues causes a life time of shit and misery. I went to school every single day scared silly due my own mums volcanic temper, the name calling etc. it has very much affected my entire life and self worth. I've spent 15 years in therapy and myself been in violent abusive relationships as that's what was normal to me. And it's all my mother's fault.

Yes, this.
When the bully gets bullied 😂

Wow thanks for making me feel like a shit mother.. and with respect I am not the one exposing my children to this. He is doing that all by himself. Just me posting here shows that my children are my priority. How dare you. I'm trying to figure this out. This is a 17 year relationship not a 7 year ich. I think I'm within my rights to pause a minute

@LJJWER

I didn't say you were a shit mum but the simple truth is that he's not suddenly started to do this, it's been going on for a while and getting worse and worse. I get it's like the boiled frog analogy but this is a wake up call to stop it. Yes it's him being a complete and utter twat but you are still standing there and up to now you've not taken steps to prevent your children being exposed to this. A shit mum would carry on as normal and then wonder why her adult children are in such spectacularly unhealthy relatives and/or don't want anything to do with their parents.

I can see the kids are scared.

^ this is what you need to focus on. Your children are scared of this man. They are being raised in a state of perpetual fear , never knowing when he's going to explode next. This can cause huge huge trauma. It's on you to be brave and strong enough to change that because their arsehole father won't do it will he? I wish you all the best luck in the world and I genuinely hope that you can get rid of him. I had a very unhappy childhood due to my mum and it's really affected everything in my life.

@LJJWER as a mother you need to protect your dcs as much as possible. Hopefully today is the day this starts for them. 🤞

It sounds harsh OP but I agree with @WitchyBits This is a time to gather your resources, find support if you can, make a strategy and act.

It's not time to "pause". Pause later, when you are all safe.

Lots of women on MN have been through this and can give practical advice. Get in touch with Women's Aid and figure out your next steps.

If he stays then unfortunately you are exposing your DCs to this. He's doing it but you're not protecting them from it.

It's shit for you all.

I also have to agree with @WitchyBits I grew up walking on egg shells and my body has been in a permanent state of fight or flight mode ever since. I witnessed my mum putting up with being treated like absolute s**t and doing nothing about it and I myself am now stuck with a man that's a serial liar amongst other things, because I grew up thinking it was normal. I'm finally getting therapy for it but it has affected absolutely every aspect of my life. You deserve so much better from life than to be treated like this and your kids deserve to feel safe at home. I hope you find the strength and courage to leave this man and eventually find someone that will treat you and your children in the way you deserve

He just doesn't deserve your love OP, if you have any left, if not love, the things you do for him.

Would he have banged on the window of the car if it was a burly bloke sitting in there?

Many of us have come across men whom act and think like this. Apart from the fact it's a very small step from this anger to much worse, something to think about, they are just dull to be around. No love, fun, relaxation, taking the day and life as it comes, enjoying the haphazard chaos because it will make a good story.

Do decent people, men and women, look at these men and think, "oh my what a specimen of butch malehood, taking no nonsense, fronting up to their perceived slights" or do they think "thank god I don't have to live with that, he must be so insecure to get his power kicks from that"

There is more enjoyment in life without living with this OP. For all of you.
If you have to phrase part of it that it is clear living with you and the kids just winds him up then so be it.

I would be out of there, if only, but there are many more reasons, if only because life is for enjoying, at least a little bit of each day, not living with someone who thinks for no apparent reason they are the best male ever to be born. He unfortunately isn't that unusual, so it's easy to see how people end up in these situations, all you need to do now OP is have a long think, is this where and with whom you want to stay with? Do you want this boring, dull, blow up at anything and expect the world man to be whom you spend many years ahead with in your home?

Are you happy right now?
Can you ever be happy whilst he is around?
Or even just relaxed?

Do think it over.

Asking him to leave would most benefit the kids who deserve two happy loving parents whether they are together or apart.

Thank you so much for this response. 💗 I don't remember the last time I was relaxed and secure. There always seems to be something. A job lost or sabotaged, someone doing him wrong, excuses and more.

@LJJWER nuerodiversity does not equate to or absolve an abusive personality.

I also know that childhoods and poor parenting and role models contribute to behaviour but there comes a point when an adult has to seek support and take responsibility rather than have their family live in fear of their aggressive behaviour. The victim mentality he is presenting is making you feel like you need to save him from his demons. That's not your job.

Your safety and that of your children is all that matters in this scenario so please don't feel guilty about walking away.

You still have a lot of life ahead of you and you can take control of that to ensure you have peace.

I once parked somewhere for about 2 minutes one evening that offended a man like this, and he shouted and swore at me in an absolute rage. There was nothing dangerous about what I did that in any way warranted his behaviour. It's a commonly done thing in the town, and not on private land or anything. You'll always see cars there.

I was shocked and scared to be honest. I thought he was going to come and hit me as well as the barrage he spouted, but thankfully he drove off. My poor little girl was about 8 and was with me, she was shocked and scared too. It was awful, I still remember it. People around stopped in disbelief to look at him.

Luckily my child's dad wasn't like this and my little girl wasn't exposed to such behaviour before or since. Imagine for some kids becoming used to that fear by being exposed to it repeatedly. My daughter is now a lovely kind young woman, she had that role modelled to her. Kids who see adults in rages learn that's how you deal with things that don't go your way or that you disagree with.

He didn't shout and swear at the guy in the vehicle next to me who too had parked there funnily enough. Twat. Scary twat.

I have been in a similar position however it was a boyfriend who I did not live with… he was very hot headed and could become very confrontational at the drop of the hat and I hated the feeling it gave me. Ultimately I found it to be aggressive and disproportionate behaviour, unfortunately it came to a head on a holiday abroad and at this point I knew I didn’t want the relationship to continue.

I know that it’s more complicated for you but him being assessed does not change how you (and the children feel) and so I wonder if you need to consider a break apart whilst he is sorting his stuff out?