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Original poster

I think I've ruined my birthday for my boyfriend.

116 replies

BookNerd366 · 09/07/2024 04:16

My boyfriend and I have been together for five months. In that time I've made it quite clear that I don't like people spending money on me. This isn't limited to him or to boyfriends in general - anyone spending a lot of money on me makes me feel uncomfortable. But he likes to spend money on me/buy me gifts.

I reluctantly let him pay for dinner or buy me a book whenever we end up in a bookstore because I know it makes him happy, but anything more expensive than that I just don't like the idea of. For context, my family do £20-£30 birthday presents, except for 18th/21st when my parents would spend a bit more. I wasn't expecting him to stick to that budget but I feel like £100 on a present is excessive. Especially as I know it won't just be the present, he will also want to pay for whatever we do to celebrate (which is fine, within reason).

I turn 30 this year and a couple of weeks ago he told me that he has already bought my present. I said that I hoped he hadn't gone overboard and he just smirked. It has come up a few times since and he'd 'reassure' me that he wouldn't spend more than he could afford and that he hadn't spent anymore than he would spend on his family. Except he's told me some of the things he's bought for his parents before and they are £150+

A few days ago my birthday came up again and this time he finally seemed to get that I'm genuinely uncomfortable with a lot of money being spent. He promised that after this present he would dim it down.

He looked so deflated when he said it... I can tell that he's been really happy and excited about whatever he's bought me and now I feel like I've ruined it for him. I don't know if I'm being unreasonable in this or if it's just that we have different attitudes.

Advice?

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 09/07/2024 04:24

If he has spent money just to spend money, I can understand your perspective and agree with you to some extent.

If he has spent time and thought of something truly perfect to give you and it happens to cost more than some arbitrary budget you have set, then you are being unreasonable.

if he made a good effort to find that perfect gift and didn’t quite hit the mark, it still counts as the later.

Codlingmoths · 09/07/2024 04:29

He sounds like a keeper, I hope you don’t scare him away. There are a lot of useful and/or beautiful things for the £100-£150 spend level, imagine simply flatly ruling them out of your life as presents from someone who loves you because you ‘feel’ it’s too much. Try looking at whatever it is and seeing his love for you in it. Also, try thinking how he feels and has presumably worked to understand that your presents don’t say ‘I only care about you a little bit’. It seems quite possible that to him that’s what a £30 gift from a partner says, and if he’s still here he’s clearly worked to understand that. Maybe you could meet him at least halfway rather than insist this arbitrary rule be 100% your way. I mean, you must own or have done things worth more than that and have bought them for yourself. It’s ok for you to do that but should someone who loves you pay that much for you it will totally spoil your day?? I feel like there is a spoonful of get over yourself needed.

Oreganoandsage · 09/07/2024 04:32

He sounds lovely. The other poster currently complaining about her Scrooge-like partner who wants her to pay him £2.50 to equalise some spending would probably happily take him off your hands.

urbanbuddha · 09/07/2024 04:33

Growing up we were always taught not to judge a gift by its monetary value but to be happy that the person giving it had put time, effort and thought into getting us something they thought we would like. It’s that that’s important.

cocoloco23 · 09/07/2024 04:43

I don’t really believe that most people have one ‘love language’ - but one of mine is definitely giving gifts.

I genuinely love buying presents for and spending money on other people. It gives me so much pleasure to be able to treat a friend to something, or to give them an experience they might not be able to afford or might not otherwise have. Seeing someone enjoying a gift or an experience I’ve given them is way better than getting a gift myself. I start Christmas shopping round about now every year, because I love it so much. I love the whole experience of giving gifts - planning, researching, shopping, gift wrapping.

If I had a partner who was really uncomfortable with this, I’d respect it, but it would make me sad not to be able to spend time and money on them. It’s hard to describe this feeling to someone who isn’t like this: imagine you really love cooking, you spend a lot of time reading recipe books and watching cookery programmes and planning menus, and you have a partner who only wants to eat toast.

In your boyfriend’s situation, i think I’d try and channel this feeling into coming up with experiences we could share. For example, if he paid for you both to have a weekend away somewhere that you BOTH wanted to go, would that make you as uncomfortable as a gift?

I hope I haven’t offended you by trying to describe this from another perspective.

Timeisnevertimeatall · 09/07/2024 05:15

This feels twofold.

  • it's your birthday, not his, so if it's ruined for anyone it's you, it's just a shame/disappointing for him.
  • you sound like a terrible martyr. If he can afford it and wants to do it, the drama around the actual cost would wind me right up. If you end up together forever and he suggests a new kitchen, or a massive TV or a fuckton of overpriced olives from a wanky farmers' market, are you going to behave like this every time? If the money doesn't leave him short or take from something more important, what's the harm? No point being the richest corpse in the graveyard.
Paranoidandroid1 · 09/07/2024 05:20

You don’t get much for £30 these days and not even much for £100! Agree with pp you sound like a martyr and the drama around this would drain any enjoyment from the relationship for me. If he’s bought you thoughtful gifts that just happen to cost a bit more then I can understand he will be disappointed. Can’t you just be grateful?

DracoDormiensNumquamTittilandum · 09/07/2024 05:29

Your attitude to gifts is odd. What's it about? If he can afford to buy you something and it makes him happy you should really try to get over it.

Gelasring · 09/07/2024 05:39

Timeisnevertimeatall · 09/07/2024 05:15

This feels twofold.

  • it's your birthday, not his, so if it's ruined for anyone it's you, it's just a shame/disappointing for him.
  • you sound like a terrible martyr. If he can afford it and wants to do it, the drama around the actual cost would wind me right up. If you end up together forever and he suggests a new kitchen, or a massive TV or a fuckton of overpriced olives from a wanky farmers' market, are you going to behave like this every time? If the money doesn't leave him short or take from something more important, what's the harm? No point being the richest corpse in the graveyard.

Yes I agree with this really. It seems odd that you are so fixated on doing things the way your mum and dad do it when you are 30 too.

Witchbitch20 · 09/07/2024 06:12

I’ve been married for 28 years. This year my husband couldn’t even be bothered to text me or acknowledge my birthday.

Focus less on the spending money side and think more about that he actually wants to take you out and get you something you’d like. Believe me the alternative sucks.

HarrytheHobbit · 09/07/2024 06:18

I feel sorry for your boyfriend. He is making a lovely gesture and you have not got the grace to appreciate it. Never mind the guff about what your childhood was like, that should not be a factor, you are old enough now to to have formed your own opinions about life based on your own adult experiences. You need to start appreciating his gestures or you will lose him and TBH I wouldn't blame him for leaving you.

Andwegoroundagain · 09/07/2024 06:19

I wonder if you've explored why you feel so uncomfortable with people spending specific sums of money on you?
A gift should be freely given, with no expectations of receiving or implications regarding its value.
If you are getting a gift that is thoughtful and lovely or someone buys you dinner on a special occasion ... why object so vehemently. Would you not want to treat your boyfriend to something he wanted ? Do you never buy anyone dinner?
I think you are BU but also maybe need to explore what's going on in your mind here as clearly.its deep rooted

bergamotorange · 09/07/2024 06:20

Have you ever had any counselling for these money issues? It might be helpful.

bergamotorange · 09/07/2024 06:22

Never mind the guff about what your childhood was like, that should not be a factor hahahaha if only humans were this simple!

TemuSpecialBuy · 09/07/2024 06:33

Codlingmoths · 09/07/2024 04:29

He sounds like a keeper, I hope you don’t scare him away. There are a lot of useful and/or beautiful things for the £100-£150 spend level, imagine simply flatly ruling them out of your life as presents from someone who loves you because you ‘feel’ it’s too much. Try looking at whatever it is and seeing his love for you in it. Also, try thinking how he feels and has presumably worked to understand that your presents don’t say ‘I only care about you a little bit’. It seems quite possible that to him that’s what a £30 gift from a partner says, and if he’s still here he’s clearly worked to understand that. Maybe you could meet him at least halfway rather than insist this arbitrary rule be 100% your way. I mean, you must own or have done things worth more than that and have bought them for yourself. It’s ok for you to do that but should someone who loves you pay that much for you it will totally spoil your day?? I feel like there is a spoonful of get over yourself needed.

This.
Its a sad and joyless life not to be able to share with the ones you love. @

Also you might want to consider counselling to understand why exactly it makes you uncomfortable...

Arbitrary guesses from my armchair of psychology

Your parents taught you some extreme version of there is no such thing as a free meal and you have a fear of "owing people some thing"

Your parents insisted "all that fuss" wasnt necessary for good sensible people and somehow you are a vapid deficienct person if you enjoy "such decadence".

On some level you believe you dont deserve nice things

Doingmybest12 · 09/07/2024 06:34

I think you generally need to look at changing your attitude to gifts and not dictating so rigidly what others do. But having said that after 5 months does it feel too much of a present anyway and a pressure, bringing him into the centre of a milestone birthday (for many). Also if he's enjoyed you being uncomfortable about it ,I'm not sure about that (but maybe he's just excited). So I'm a bit torn about it but not because of your rules about money, which could become hardworking over time for any partner. Surprised others are saying he's a keeper based on spending 100. Anyone with the cash can do that. .

cryinglaughing · 09/07/2024 06:38

He sounds a love.
If he has money to spend, then let him spend as he wishes and you try and be less of a martyr.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 09/07/2024 06:44

I agree with @TemuSpecialBuy

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 09/07/2024 06:53

Another question OP - are you happy to spend £200/300 at a time on something for yourself? Is it just gifts being big that upset you or is it spending in general?

YnY · 09/07/2024 07:04

I feel like I get this because accepting something from somebody puts you in their debt. I was raised to ask for nothing. I can only accept things from people if they're close and I'm not trying to get away from them.

You have a bad case, because you love yr bf and you still can't accept a gift!

I think you need to say to him that you feel on the back foot when you accept gifts, due to old childhood conditions but you"re working on it and it doesn't mean you don't want to be with him.
Because a lot of people feel like this about gifts from men they aren't sure about.

Wish44 · 09/07/2024 07:22

Going against the grain it seems but what I am reading is that you are clearly stating your preference about someone and he is ignoring it and trying to make you feel bad.

he is putting himself first here…

Subfusc · 09/07/2024 07:27

How far away is your birthday? You just say you turn 30 ‘this year’, but is that within a few weeks, or in, say, December?

Because if it’s still months away, I don’t see why it’s come up more than once, OR why someone you’ve only been seeing for five months assumes you’ll still be a couple by your birthday and has already bought you something expensive and told you about it? I think I’d find that a bit presumptuous.

SilverBranchGoldenPears · 09/07/2024 07:27

There are two things.

You are entitled to your preferences.
He is entitled to show you he loves you in the way that he feels it (and it’s kind).

You sound very hard work making it about cost and diminishing his efforts.
It isn’t about cost look at it as him showing he loves you. If he’s got the money then the amount isn’t the issue. How about you tell him to give x pounds in future to a charity instead of you then someone else gets to benefit from his good will?

Fs365 · 09/07/2024 07:29

My advice would be to your boyfriend tbh

Ditch the current moaning GF find someone who appreciates you

DappledThings · 09/07/2024 07:37

I hate being bought presents at all. It's an awkward conversation to have so I wasn't able to with now DH for a few years. Just gritted my teeth and forced myself to be grateful then was able to dial it down after the years to nothing now.

If he's a keeper he'll come to respect how you feel but you might have to let the weirdness stay hidden for a bit!

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