I think I've ruined my birthday for my boyfriend.

[BookNerd366]

My boyfriend and I have been together for five months. In that time I've made it quite clear that I don't like people spending money on me. This isn't limited to him or to boyfriends in general - anyone spending a lot of money on me makes me feel uncomfortable. But he likes to spend money on me/buy me gifts.

I reluctantly let him pay for dinner or buy me a book whenever we end up in a bookstore because I know it makes him happy, but anything more expensive than that I just don't like the idea of. For context, my family do £20-£30 birthday presents, except for 18th/21st when my parents would spend a bit more. I wasn't expecting him to stick to that budget but I feel like £100 on a present is excessive. Especially as I know it won't just be the present, he will also want to pay for whatever we do to celebrate (which is fine, within reason).

I turn 30 this year and a couple of weeks ago he told me that he has already bought my present. I said that I hoped he hadn't gone overboard and he just smirked. It has come up a few times since and he'd 'reassure' me that he wouldn't spend more than he could afford and that he hadn't spent anymore than he would spend on his family. Except he's told me some of the things he's bought for his parents before and they are £150+

A few days ago my birthday came up again and this time he finally seemed to get that I'm genuinely uncomfortable with a lot of money being spent. He promised that after this present he would dim it down.

He looked so deflated when he said it... I can tell that he's been really happy and excited about whatever he's bought me and now I feel like I've ruined it for him. I don't know if I'm being unreasonable in this or if it's just that we have different attitudes.

Advice?

Look up love languages together it will help you both see it from the other ones perspective.

Agree with this.

When I got together with my partner we didn't think it was going to work out so started jokingly celebrating monthiversaries! Nothing extravagant, breakfast in bed, a flower from the garden, lunch out etc. Birthdays and Christmas he often gets me useful things or makes something really thoughtful. We're celebrating 20 years in a couple of months! No need to spend a lot but if he chose to I wouldn't be miserable about it!

It s quite hard with people who hate gifts. Maybe work on being more open and appreciative? He is being nice! Some therapy

You need to try to unpack what makes you so uncomfortable - do you feel unworthy of nice gifts; was your family v poor?

These days £100 hardly buys anything that would be considered a treat.

If he spends £150 on family I don't think you should view it as "excessive" if he wants to spend the same / £100 on you as its ballpark to how much he spends on loved ones.

Live a little!

If you feel uncomfortable, spend a similar amount on his bday that you'll feel even?

Argh this makes me cringe a bit as I used to be a bit like this in my emo eta late teens. Had low self esteem so I almost made it my "thing" in order to get reassurance and attention. Like Oh no please don't look at me/spend time/money/attention on me I'm so worthless...

Why would she have to work on herself to meet his needs? I might be being nice if I decided to deliver 100 roses to your door every morning, noon, and evening, but you wouldn't be obliged to like it, or need therapy if you didn't.

OP, your partner has clearly been told your preferences, and dismissed them. Now people are trying to tell you you should have therapy because you won't dismiss your own needs. There is some messed up advice here!

If you have told your partner that this is something important to you, and he hasn't respected that, then he is unlikely to respect other wishes and needs of yours, if they don't meet his. Is that the kind of 'keeper' you want? I'm amazed by how many people think that a man who insists on buying you presents you don't want is so great.

It's up to you how you choose to enjoy your birthday, not him. You certainly don't need therapy simply because you don't like presents. Some people giving advice here are horribly materialistic.

You sound like hard work. Just enjoy it and stop being miserable

Everyone else has said the important pieces of your martyrdom but id like to mention this could be trauma based, victims of financial abuse will often times set completlely unreasonable boundaries around money. In this case it seems like its internalized and now is affecting how you percieve your partner and their love language. You NEED therapy to work through this properly as it seems its unfounded and can lead to you being the financial abuser in the future if your partner internalizes it to try and keep you happy over their own needs and wants. This sounds like a toxic situation in the making with no resoloution unless YOU make one.

People spend what they want to spend and as long as they can afford it let them. Gifting makes people happy. As long as he doesn’t make you feel rubbish when you give your £20 gift to him.

my parents sound like yours, as a child my birthday and Christmas gift list could have items with a highest value of £20, this was 30 years ago - I still have to stick to budget. Fine, i respect this, but they then share my gift list with wider family which believe £20 isn’t much and therefore buy loads of gifts I don’t want or need.

completlely unreasonable boundaries around money

OP, you haven't made any unreasonable boundaries, that's quite a ridiculous assessment of the situation. You've clearly said you didn't want him to spend £100 on your present; that's not even uncommon. Lots of adults/relationships have agreements like this in place, for lots of reasons that aren't trauma, and are set by people who don't need to have therapy to 'get better'. Not wanting lots of money spent on you isn't a pathology, it's a preference. My partner and I are the same, and it simply isn't an issue, because we respect each other. That's the only issue here. It sounds like you'd be happy with modest presents, and those suggesting that you can't get much for under £100 are talking nonsense: I bet every single one of them would be touched by a bunch of their favourite flowers picked from their partner's garden, or a really good book about something they were really interested in, or a lesson in something they'd always wanted to try, etc.

People spend what they want to spend and as long as they can afford it let them. Gifting makes people happy. As long as he doesn’t make you feel rubbish when you give your £20 gift to him

Why does she have to 'let them' do something that makes her uncomfortable? Surely, especially with presents, the idea is to do something that will make the recipient happy? He seemingly has a different motive, because she's specifically told him that what he's doing won't make her happy. Obviously she can't stop him, and so must 'let him', but not in a way that sets her feelings aside as an irrelevance. If someone does something that hurts you, you have to 'let them', because you're not in control of them, but you don't have to not care about their dismissal of your feelings.

My thought too. OP, can you pinpoint where this fear of gifts stems from? Do you not spend money on yourself as well?

Why do you feel like this?

Do you feel he is paying for services or sex?

Do you feel unworthy?

Do you feel the need to reciprocate equally?

Are you generally right with money?

Is it about the money spent on the gifts or just the fact that he isn’t listening to you? You asked him not to do something and he did it anyway. Even if it is a nice thing, it just shows he isn’t respecting your wishes. If he thinks your stance on gift giving is unreasonable he should talk to you about it, not just ignore what you have said and do what makes him happy. Gift giving is supposed to be about the recipient.

It’s like making a beef wellington for a vegetarian and expecting them to be grateful for all the time and effort you put in.

If you communicate a certain preference or expectation to your partner they should I respect it or, if they believe it to be unreasonable, have an open discussion with you about it and come to a compromise you are both happy with.

You are early on in your relationship and over time I am sure you will both find your groove with money and gift giving. Your attitudes will soften and meld, you’ll become more comfortable having money spent on you (and feeling like you deserve to have money spent on you) and he’ll get used to keeping to a certain budget that you have both agreed upon.

It’s like making a beef wellington for a vegetarian and expecting them to be grateful for all the time and effort you put in

Well said, @Warriorworrier . And then OP has people telling her she needs therapy in order to cultivate a more grateful attitude towards people who insist on making her beef wellingtons.

I’m just not sure you sound well matched. There’s nothing wrong with being excited to make a fuss of your partner (unless that partner is you who hates it). Likewise I can imagine it’s frustrating for you that he’s ignore how you’ve asked to celebrate.

The reason I’d view this a deal breaker is it’s part of larger issues over spending money/ “wasting money” and also I can see how you get frustrated that he’s not respecting your view as if he’s love bombing and he would feel resentment that you diminish how he shows his affection. Would you not enjoy if he whisked you away for a city break for example? Where’s the line you draw on what you can spend.

Also in the future if you had children if he wanted to get them a console for £300 and you would only allow him to spend £30. I can imagine the friction just wouldn’t work.

For me there’s been times I’ve had less money and I’ve bought gifts to a budget, or made them and times when I’ve been more comfortable and spent more. I would struggle being given a budget for my partner and we don’t “tally up” because for us it’s more the thought behind the gifts than simply the value. He knows I wouldn’t really go for say, a Gucci bag for £400 but I’d love a bag from a favourite small business that might be £50 and that’s what means more. But if I know he wants a certain pair of trainers for a hobby that are £140 I wouldn’t question getting him them and think “oh but he’s only going to get me a £50 bag”.

You asked him not to spend loads of money and he spent loads of money. He did that for himself, not you, and knows how you'd react so he can play the poor old put upon bf.

Been there op. Urgh.

Does this boil down to you not thinking yourself worthy of a more expensive gift (expensive is relative, everyone has a different limit for this value)?
Or is it because you'd feel indebted after receiving such a gift?
Both of the above are your issues that you need to work on yourself OP.
Gifts are given out of love, care, attention. The value is irrelevant. The gift giver wants to give you joy and they genuinely enjoy doing it. The actual spend is their problem, their money not yours to worry about.
Conversely, when you offering gifts, are you generous, do you enjoy the process, do you make sure you choose something the gift recipient would truly enjoy and then adjust the choice according to your budget?
You're not used to receiving gifts without some sort of guilt and this is a real shame.
Stop being fixated on prices. You're not paying. An adult gift giver is perfectly capable of sorting out their own spending levels according to their own wishes and budget. It doesn't concern you what they spend.

My husband's love language is acts of service and gifts. I've had some truly beautiful gifts, ruby earrings, paintings etc and think you are being too harsh. Remember relationships are give and take . We've been together over 40 years . Look after that young man!

Some people genuinely enjoy buying the ones they love, something lovely. It isn't about the price tag.

As long as there is a clear understanding that the price tag is irrelevant, I don't see that it matters. It is his way of telling you that he loves you. He doesn't HAVE to do it, he WANTS to give you that specific thing because he thinks it will bring you pleasure.

I once had a boyfriend who bought me a bike for my birthday. I later found it cost £450 but he was right, I love it and have used it every week for the last 9 years. He was high income and has probably forgotten all about it but it has continued to give me pleasure

Oh yes I've had that from a partner but it was 50p he was complaining about.

OP I'll take him off your hands?

You’re incompatible. He shows affection with gifts. You don’t. You’ll end up constantly disappointing each other.

So he cares more about his own happiness than yours. He's constantly crossing your boundaries and forcing things on you because he wants. He doesn't listen when you say no. Yet people think he's a good guy? Personally I'd run for the hills. Somehow because its money he's spending crossing your boundaries and not taking no for an answer doesn't seem to matter but it does, if he won't respect your no now when will he?

It's disrespectful to want to buy your partner nice presents and a violation of boundaries and she should run for the hills.

I'm speechless.

This bloody place sometimes.

Is any man not a potential abuser on here?

@HowIrresponsible

She's told him that something makes her uncomfortable. He carried on and did it because he wanted to.

In what way is he respecting her feelings?
In what way is he respecting his feelings?

Is op supposed to 'make herself feel comfortable' with something she doesn't like? Is she wrong in her preferences?