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Original poster

I think I've ruined my birthday for my boyfriend.

116 replies

BookNerd366 · 09/07/2024 04:16

My boyfriend and I have been together for five months. In that time I've made it quite clear that I don't like people spending money on me. This isn't limited to him or to boyfriends in general - anyone spending a lot of money on me makes me feel uncomfortable. But he likes to spend money on me/buy me gifts.

I reluctantly let him pay for dinner or buy me a book whenever we end up in a bookstore because I know it makes him happy, but anything more expensive than that I just don't like the idea of. For context, my family do £20-£30 birthday presents, except for 18th/21st when my parents would spend a bit more. I wasn't expecting him to stick to that budget but I feel like £100 on a present is excessive. Especially as I know it won't just be the present, he will also want to pay for whatever we do to celebrate (which is fine, within reason).

I turn 30 this year and a couple of weeks ago he told me that he has already bought my present. I said that I hoped he hadn't gone overboard and he just smirked. It has come up a few times since and he'd 'reassure' me that he wouldn't spend more than he could afford and that he hadn't spent anymore than he would spend on his family. Except he's told me some of the things he's bought for his parents before and they are £150+

A few days ago my birthday came up again and this time he finally seemed to get that I'm genuinely uncomfortable with a lot of money being spent. He promised that after this present he would dim it down.

He looked so deflated when he said it... I can tell that he's been really happy and excited about whatever he's bought me and now I feel like I've ruined it for him. I don't know if I'm being unreasonable in this or if it's just that we have different attitudes.

Advice?

OP posts:

tanstaafl · 09/07/2024 07:40

I’m guessing sliders for £320

YnY · 09/07/2024 07:45

My x boyfriend was like this too so I get it. He was generous to me, but if he forgot his wallet, he would find it easier and simpler to just not mention it all day, and skip lunch. For him it was too dramatic to turn to somebody who cared about him and ask for a tenner. To his thinking, it made something simple (to go hungry) into something dramatic (to borrow a tenner).

His parents were alcoholics though.

DisforDarkChocolate · 09/07/2024 07:52

You need to let go and be more comfortable with his way if spending on gifts.

Unless he's spending what he can't afford then you will come across as being judgemental. That's a sure fire way of harming a relationship.

ConflictofInterest · 09/07/2024 07:55

I'm surprised most people think you're in the wrong OP. I think if you've clearly told someone multiple times what type of thing you'd like for your birthday then he can't expect your to be overjoyed when he's ignored what you've said. It's no different to saying you want a scarf and being given a box of chocolates. The giver can do what they like but you don't need to feel responsible for his disappointment if he's gone against your wishes.

I also think expensive gifts beholden you to the giver and should be a reciprocal amount otherwise it creates an uncomfortable power imbalance.

LizzeyBenett · 09/07/2024 08:01

I get where your coming from but also kind of feel sorry for him he genuinely wanted to spoil you and do a nice thing and yes OP you kind of ruined it and tbh you come across as being ungrateful (I'm not saying you are but if I was him that's how it would feel) I wonder has it had more of an impact on your relationship than you realise I imagine he could be quiet hurt by your reactions. If I got that reaction after spoiling my boyfriend in the early days I would of thought twice about him tbh.

DisforDarkChocolate · 09/07/2024 08:01

I don't think the OP is wrong @ConflictofInterest it's just that it sounds like what she is comfortable with would be an issue for a lot, probably most, partners. That says to me the OP has been been bought up to feel like she's not worth a lot of effort and it's wrong for anyone to treat you. While I can see the advantages for her being able to be independent I think it's knocked her self-esteem too.

RenoDakota · 09/07/2024 08:03

There was a post on here the other day where the OP's partner took her out for a £45 birthday meal then asked her to pay £10 towards it.
Thank your lucky stars that you have a lovely, generous man and not some miserable tightwad (like many posters on here seem to).

MargotEmin · 09/07/2024 08:12

What's the point of working hard 35+ hours per week if we can't use it to occasionally spoil the ones we love? Its admirable that you have been so clear about your boundaries, but its a bit of joyless boundary if you don't mind me saying so? I'm not a particularly materialistic person, my favourite wedding gift for example was a homemade clay vase - but as others have said there are many beautiful, functional and non-frivolous gifts that cost in excess of £150.

ConflictofInterest · 09/07/2024 08:14

I think overspending is very crass if someone has asked you not to though. It's one thing to buy someone extravagant treats if they show enjoyment, but feels like another thing to keep doing it when you've been asked not to repeatedly. I know a lot of people do think gifts are for the giver but surely the recipient is supposed to be considered.

The price also changes the type of gift too.
For me for example something like a £20 necklace in a style I liked would be a lovely gift that I'd wear whenever I felt like it and remind me of the giver. A £200 necklace would stay in the drawer and never be worn, I'd just feel guilty looking at it every so often.

YellowAsteroid · 09/07/2024 08:15

This is your issue, @BookNerd366 so you need to do the work. You need to be graceful and open and accepting of his generous desire to give you a present. He sounds lovely.

So start to work on yourself. Have a think about why other people’s generosity makes you unreasonably anxious.

Then practice being graceful in accepting his gift. He’s showing you who he is and how he regards you. This is a GOOD thing!

AutumnCrow · 09/07/2024 08:17

tanstaafl · 09/07/2024 07:40

I’m guessing sliders for £320

If he’s been reading MN for tips it’ll be ‘a lovely scarf’ in cashmere.

Whataloadofutterutternonesense · 09/07/2024 08:19

Your boyfriend isn't listening to you.

Unicorntastic · 09/07/2024 08:21

Don’t look at the amount spent, look at whether it was a true gift given with love or a load of stuff given to you to show off or because the giver thinks they have to.

RipleyGreen · 09/07/2024 08:22

I feel sorry for him, you’re a wee bit of a martyr…

TorroFerney · 09/07/2024 08:28

totally identify with this. I hate people spending money on me and hate spending money on myself. I try and impose a very small budget for husband and I on Christmas presents. I recently found out that my husband quite a few years ago bought me a watch that cost about £200, I’ve not got over this yet it’s just so much money for someone to spend on me. I don’t have an engagement ring (my choice) and my wedding dress was from monsoon in the sale. Two schools of thought I suppose one it’s your birthday so he should respect your frugal wishes but also he’s trying to do something nice and generous.

for me it’s tied to feelings of self worth /self loathing and feeling I don’t deserve it.

Cocopogo · 09/07/2024 08:28

I agreed with what others have said, OP you sound like you have some issues with this to be so fixated on a number rather than just enjoying life.
I feel uncomfortable when everyone sings happy birthday and I’m just stood there waiting to blow out some candles but I don’t ban it! I just accept it and move on

WhereIsMyLight · 09/07/2024 08:30

You don’t know what the present is yet. If he’s bought you a £200 handbag that you’ll never use and he’s done it because he has to spend an amount, I’d be annoyed because it’s all about him. For him to pout about it makes him a child.

If he has thoughtfully found something you will love, say for example he’s gone through your makeup (that you wear everyday) and bought you a whole new set making sure to buy the right shades, then he’s clearly put thought into the present. You might still feel like it’s too much and that will be something to navigate in the future. It might be that he has to dial it back, spend time researching a present but within a budget that makes you comfortable and you accepting that he wants to treat you because you’re a special person in his life.

You haven’t ruined your birthday for him. Your birthday is about you and your emotions. However, I think you need to see what it actually is first before you work out how to proceed.

Nori10 · 09/07/2024 08:35

I'd love to know what the gift is. If it's something super thoughtful that you'll love, surely that's what counts? Sometimes that could cost £5 and sometimes much more.

Also, it's good to have exceptions sometimes surely? Even your own family spend more for 'big' birthdays and 30 is considered a 'big' birthday.

Why does it make you feel so uncomfortable? Is it that you don't like to spend money and so don't want any expectation or pressure to reciprocate? Or that you don't feel deserving? Maybe have a think about the root of the uncomfortable feeling and think about whether you need to challenge it? If a feeling is coming from unhelpful or unhealthy thinking, that's what's needed sometimes and this could be a great opportunity to challenge yourself.

rainbowstardrops · 09/07/2024 08:41

He sounds bloody lovely! It's your 30th and he's already promised to dim it after this birthday. He sounds like a good one - don't scare him off!

chilicrackers · 09/07/2024 09:03

DracoDormiensNumquamTittilandum · 09/07/2024 05:29

Your attitude to gifts is odd. What's it about? If he can afford to buy you something and it makes him happy you should really try to get over it.

This.

You’ve managed to turn something positive to make it something negative. If there is a genuine thought behind the present then be happy. This is all in your head op.

chilicrackers · 09/07/2024 09:05

TorroFerney · 09/07/2024 08:28

for me it’s tied to feelings of self worth /self loathing and feeling I don’t deserve it.

You must have had a bad upbringing to feel that you are worth zero.

HcbSS · 09/07/2024 09:11

You sound like hard work. People like giving gifts, and spending their money on other people. It brings them joy.

Wishimaywishimight · 09/07/2024 09:24

For heaven's sake, just let the man treat you, it obviously gives him pleasure. Can't you just try and enjoy the things he does for you / gives you? Do you not believe you deserve to be spoiled / treated?

I went from being with a bit of a miser to a very generous bf (now DH) and it was wonderful. I used to treat the miser (until I got sick of it being one sided) so loved being with someone who had the same views as me - neither of us were/are silly with money but we both still get pleasure out of booking a restaurant we know the other wants to try or tickets for an event etc. The giver and receiver gets equal amount of pleasure from these things!

Subfusc · 09/07/2024 09:24

tanstaafl · 09/07/2024 07:40

I’m guessing sliders for £320

😀😀

BoudiccaOfSuburbia · 09/07/2024 09:32

Stop angsting about it. Fretting like this in advance that he hasn’t spent ‘too much’ is as bad as grabby hoping for a list of luxury material goods.

Hopefully he has chosen a gift / s well within his financial means that he has thought about as things that you will enjoy or need.

Unless you think he has an unhealthy spending habit or is trying to buy your affection, or has terrible taste and wasted money on £300 designer pool sliders (as per a recent thread) that would make you cringe… relax! Be generous enough in spirit to accept his care and generosity.

Being able to accept things, whether help, or compliments or gifts, is being open to the other person’s generosity. Being closed to that is a rebuttal.

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