I think I've ruined my birthday for my boyfriend.

[BookNerd366]

My boyfriend and I have been together for five months. In that time I've made it quite clear that I don't like people spending money on me. This isn't limited to him or to boyfriends in general - anyone spending a lot of money on me makes me feel uncomfortable. But he likes to spend money on me/buy me gifts.

I reluctantly let him pay for dinner or buy me a book whenever we end up in a bookstore because I know it makes him happy, but anything more expensive than that I just don't like the idea of. For context, my family do £20-£30 birthday presents, except for 18th/21st when my parents would spend a bit more. I wasn't expecting him to stick to that budget but I feel like £100 on a present is excessive. Especially as I know it won't just be the present, he will also want to pay for whatever we do to celebrate (which is fine, within reason).

I turn 30 this year and a couple of weeks ago he told me that he has already bought my present. I said that I hoped he hadn't gone overboard and he just smirked. It has come up a few times since and he'd 'reassure' me that he wouldn't spend more than he could afford and that he hadn't spent anymore than he would spend on his family. Except he's told me some of the things he's bought for his parents before and they are £150+

A few days ago my birthday came up again and this time he finally seemed to get that I'm genuinely uncomfortable with a lot of money being spent. He promised that after this present he would dim it down.

He looked so deflated when he said it... I can tell that he's been really happy and excited about whatever he's bought me and now I feel like I've ruined it for him. I don't know if I'm being unreasonable in this or if it's just that we have different attitudes.

Advice?

Being able to accept a gift gracefully is a kind of generosity, albeit emotional rather than financial.

oh Yes very dysfunctional!

Exactly this.

I think you need to get more confortable with the idea of receiving a gift - and receiving a gift graciously.

It sounds like it makes extremely uncomfortable, up to the point you can’t appreciate a genuine gift, one chosen with care, from someone close.

Do you feel the same when someone does something kind for you (regardless of the price), gives you a compliment etc…too?

I really wish you and other people like you would find a way to see that you are worth just as much as everyone else.

So if your parents always spent £20 to £30 in the last 30 years your actual gift value has gone down with inflation and wage rises.....look on it as a new tradition between the two of you that it's not the money it's if it's the ideal gift and if at the time the buyer can afford it.....Do you now feel under pressure to spend the same?

Do you buy others gifts?

That’s a really good point. I am very conscious of being emotionally mature / aware however personally the uncomfortable feelings the gift thing brings overrides that in the moment as I feel physically ill and I want to remove that feeling. I will remember your words

Yes. Except my dad who feels the same so I respect his feelings too

You made your point the first time.

Now you just sound like you are obsessing about money and being, frankly, needlessly & unpleasantly controlling.

You've known this for guy 5 months. If you still want to have him around on your next birthday please reassess your actions.

I think you've made your feelings clear. No need to keep mentioning it now. Leave him be if he wants to spend on you.

finding the right present for my partner is something I massively enjoy. It’s not the only way I show love but it is one way…

I think you should explore why the money specifically makes you so uncomfortable. Is it about equality? About being afraid that you owe him?

30 is a pretty “big” birthday to many people. Is it possible that he thought a bigger gift would therefore be okay, seeing as it was fine on your 18th or 21rst?

he obviously shouldn’t expect you to accept his expression of love simply to please him and you definitely shouldn’t force yourself.

But please consider that gift giving probably is an expression of love and care for him. And having those rejected by your SO doesn’t feel great. So try to explore your feeling and communicate with your SO.

Those talking about the importance being able to receive gifts are spot on imo.

It’s about accepting that somebody loves you (cares for you) and thinks you worthy of the time, money etc. they spend on you.

It’s quite similar to gracefully accepting and appreciating compliments. It doesn’t come naturally to everyone but rejecting honest compliments or gifts is still a rejection. Everyone has the right to do so but one should still consider what that means, especially when one regularly rejects friends and loved ones.

Honestly... I think your discomfort with someone spending more than £30 on you feels a bit performative. It's like you've made it into a whole identity.

I suppose I (and, I expect, your boyfriend) just don't really understand why this such a big deal to you.

I'm not saying that you're wrong to feel the way you feel, but is it really THAT important to you? And if so, why? Because I think to a lot of people, it might just seem like you've latched on to this as a personality quirk that you've decided to make 'your thing'. A bit like people who constantly have to go on about how they 'don't care about clothes' and just have a wardrobe full of men's trousers and fleeces and make 'not caring about clothes' into a personality that actually occupies more of their headspace than caring about clothes - you sound a little bit like that with gifts.

This! It’s a wise thought.

It's your birthday, but you're treating it as something where you are supposed to meet his needs.

You've stated your preferences, he is not respecting them. No idea why people are saying what a lovely little love his is, or that he's a keeper. You've specifically explained your feelings, and he's done exactly the opposite, because he wanted to.

I suspect that you (and many pps here) had a childhood which thoroughly suppressed your feelings.

And op is obliged to be generous in this way, on her own birthday, even when it makes her very uncomfortable?

Indeed. But I decided after many years of being miserable on my birthday because I hate presents so much that I had had enough of, on this one point, putting myself out for other people. So I've made my birthday my own now on my own terms and cancelled it.

There are plenty of other ways in which I am emotionally generous.

Fair enough @DappledThings (beautiful poem btw!)

I’m finding this thread both interesting because I know my lifelong habit has been to get upset on my birthday mostly because as a child it was never quite enough for me (large family, harassed stressed mother, lots of much younger and apparently more needy siblings!) So rarely was there even one day when my needs were fully met, I suppose.

But of course, that’s part of life and children are greedy needy beings as I was! We can’t have every need met! it made me eventually very self-sufficient and not expecting anything from anyone. I make my birthday MY celebration and I often just take myself away. But recognise this is to stop the disappointment that no one else will celebrate unless I organise it.

So my emotional background tends to make me think that @BookNerd366 is very lucky to have a BF that wants to be generous!

As I suggested upthread, she might want to have a think about why she is uncomfortable about being given gifts. I know I had to have a good old think about why I’d end up in tears on my birthday, as often as not.

We never stop growing up, I think!

Grace. Acquire some. When someone wants to do something nice. Accept it in the spirit it was given. You sound like hard work if I’m honest.

Your reaction seems a little extreme and it sounds like there’s a story there.

So you inherited this from him? Or did something happen in your life that made you feel that way?

I think there's a certain irony underpinning it that you're placing a lot of value in material goods. Money is a lot easier to make more of and more forgiving than say time or calories. Yet a lot of people wouldn't think twice about being late to show up for a friend or buying a large pizza rather than a small because it worked out better value.

I don't understand what you're saying here at all sorry.

What have I said about material goods? It isn't about the cost of anything. What I don't like is the fuss and the attention. The £30 limit was OP not me.

If he's chosen to spend that money even though you've said not to - just enjoy it!

He obviously thinks you're worth it - your attitude will grind him down like it has already.

Just be happy and stop telling him how to spend his money.

You sound hardwork.

This is just one of the many things you'll need to navigate as a couple. People are brought up with different ways of lots of doing things and you need to decide what's worth letting go and what both or one of you need to compromise on.

I'm an only child whose parents really spoilt me whereas DH never had a birthday party and his parents always bought him slightly crap presents. When we first met it was a real bone of contention but over time he learned from me that birthdays can be nice and buying non-crap thoughtful presents is a way of showing you care and I have learned that I don't need to be "spoiled" with extravagance on my birthday.

I think you need to work out why somebody buying you a gift makes you so uncomfortable.
If he can afford it and wants to then I don’t see the discomfort. You have the real potential to take the sparkle out of thoughtful gifts and occasions by acting a real martyr. I couldn’t be bothered with somebody like that.