I think I've ruined my birthday for my boyfriend.

[BookNerd366]

My boyfriend and I have been together for five months. In that time I've made it quite clear that I don't like people spending money on me. This isn't limited to him or to boyfriends in general - anyone spending a lot of money on me makes me feel uncomfortable. But he likes to spend money on me/buy me gifts.

I reluctantly let him pay for dinner or buy me a book whenever we end up in a bookstore because I know it makes him happy, but anything more expensive than that I just don't like the idea of. For context, my family do £20-£30 birthday presents, except for 18th/21st when my parents would spend a bit more. I wasn't expecting him to stick to that budget but I feel like £100 on a present is excessive. Especially as I know it won't just be the present, he will also want to pay for whatever we do to celebrate (which is fine, within reason).

I turn 30 this year and a couple of weeks ago he told me that he has already bought my present. I said that I hoped he hadn't gone overboard and he just smirked. It has come up a few times since and he'd 'reassure' me that he wouldn't spend more than he could afford and that he hadn't spent anymore than he would spend on his family. Except he's told me some of the things he's bought for his parents before and they are £150+

A few days ago my birthday came up again and this time he finally seemed to get that I'm genuinely uncomfortable with a lot of money being spent. He promised that after this present he would dim it down.

He looked so deflated when he said it... I can tell that he's been really happy and excited about whatever he's bought me and now I feel like I've ruined it for him. I don't know if I'm being unreasonable in this or if it's just that we have different attitudes.

Advice?

@HowIrresponsible its not about the gifts as such but everything, the op has made it very clear that he's never respected her saying no to him buying things for her. Yes it could look kind on the surface but the underlying message is that the op saying no is irrelevant. I couldn't be with any man who thought he could go against me saying no, it doesn't matter what the no is in relation to. No is no and should be respected.

Gifts are about giving. You sound like hard work.
If he wants to spoil you & he can afford it, why would you rain on his parade ?

Because she feels uncomfortable. Why should her birthday be his parade, and why is his parade more important to him than her comfort?

Exactly. There are threads here all the time where women are disappointed with their birthdays and the effort men have made. They are told to be clear about what their expectations are and to stand up for what they want.

Until there's someone like me or OP who are uncomfortable with anything over a certain amount (OP) or anything at all (me) and suddenly if you make those expectations clear and stand up for what you want then you're a misery and being all mean.

It's such a double standard that you are allowed to ask for the birthday you want as long as it involves a societally acceptable number of presents but you are not allowed to ask for the birthday you want if you want less than that.

I'm sorry to say this, but you sound like a Joy Vampire that sucks the fun out of everything. Come on, let a man who genuinely cares for you buy you a nice, thoughtful present without you turning into Joan of Arc, ffs....

Have you explored why high spending makes you feel uncomfortable? It may be worth trying to identify where this comes from? Having said that as you've explained this from the start of the relationship and you feel that he has overstepped a boundary by disregarding this, it is worth looking at why he did so? Had he not taken you seriously? Has he potentially done this intentionally?

OP I hope you get a lump of coal for your birthday

I agree, people make blanket judgements without knowing any context surrounding an individuals feelings. I'm very uncomfortable around gift giving full top, because my narcissistic mother used to abuse me through the giving and receiving of gifts, so it just throws me into a blind panic. If someone had done the opposite of what I'd asked I would experience it as a boundary transgression.

@BaronessEllarawrosaurus

"Its not about the gifts as such but everything, the op has made it very clear that he's never respected her saying no to him buying things for her. No is no and should be respected."

Fucking hell, get a grip. They've only been going out for 5 months and sound pretty young. He's finding his way as a young man in a very new relationship and he obviously genuinely thinks he's doing something nice. So far he's bought her the odd book in a bookstore not raped her.

I’m staggered by the number of replies that are nasty to the OP or, at the very least, finding fault with her preferences, suggesting she needs counselling or to ‘get a life’, or be more gracious. I can only imagine these posters are intellectually deficient or emotionally immature.

What sort of world do we live in where someone is abused or berated because they aren’t materialistic or don’t particularly enjoy excessive displays of consumerism. I love a nice gift as much as the next person, but I hate being bought things for things sake. The value could be £5 but, if thoughtful, it could be the best gift ever. The best presents my husband has ever given to me are an electric blanket and a jigsaw of my beloved home town. He’s bought me plenty of expensive jewellery and perfume over the years but those gifts were the best.

A thoughtful token is always the best present. And it’s not about being stingy on the important things like a new kitchen etc. I don’t want to add to landfill and damage the environment any more than it already is.

I would ask those leaving critical or nasty comments - is this really all your life’s value is about? Acquiring ‘stuff’ that will end up in a house clearance and landfill when you die.

@ginasevern the op is talking about her 30th, if he's not old enough to know better then he's too young for the op and she needs to find a grown up to date. I stand by my belief that respectful decent men listen when a woman says no.

And yet what she's said is that she doesn't like expensive gifts. All the rest is down to the interpretation of 'what that means'.

No idea why people are struggling to understand why 'I told him how I felt, and he disregarded my feelings in order to meet his own needs' is a problem in a relationship. Buying someone a gift isn't a kindness if they've told you that they don't want a gift. If OP doesn't like expensive gifts, that's not something that needs therapy, any more than it would be if she didn't like strawberries or kittens or some other, popularly liked, thing.

To those saying 'He's just being nice, stop being so ungrateful, sort out your issues' etc... why isn't OP allowed to simply not like receiving expensive presents? What's the problem with that? Why does she need to 'fix' that?

How long is a piece of string ?
You'd probably be hurt if he gave you nothing
If its really too much sell it & give it charity.
Maybe its an engagement ring, will you tell him to shove it ?

I always over buy gifts for people (I don’t think I’ve ever given someone just one gift) but this is especially true for my partner and child. It’s something that I really enjoy doing and coming up with ideas for everyone 🤗 I’m currently planning 60 gifts to get for my dad’s 60th birthday and will be doing the same for my mum 😊 They won’t expect it and they definitely wouldn’t expect me to get them so much (they will probably tell me not to spend a lot on them) but I really want to do this for them so I will as I know it will make them happy. I would be really sad if I put a lot of thought into a gift for someone and they didn’t want it/rejected it because it was over their recommended budget 😣

My husband is very similar to you - hates birthday and Christmas gifts and feels awkward that people but him things. He had a rough childhood and experiences where gifts were used to mock or hurt so it's understandable.
But our kids LOVE to give gifts, and to see us receive gifts. They are more excited about our birthdays than we are, so presents happen because they don't need to know about those dark things, and as the years pass it's getting easier for him.
If you are planning kids one day I'd practice your smiling gracious acceptance now :)

@Gemst199

So you'd rather your husband had faked happiness to you than be honest about his feelings?

And when he was honest, you accepted and respected how he felt?

You seem to be saying that you're understanding of someone in OP's situation, whilst also advising her to try to be different from how she is.