Who Is She????!!!!!

[TipsyJoker]

Hey lovelies,

I just wanted to ask some advice. I saw on my husbands messenger that he’s been messaging some woman I’ve never seen or heard of before. I didn’t read the messages so I don’t know the content of them. I just saw her in his messages. I checked Facebook and it seems like they’re not friends. So I did a little bit of digging. They have no seeming connection to each other. No friends in common. They don’t work together or even in the same field. She lives about 400 miles away. He’s never mentioned her to me. They don’t have any obvious common likes on fb. She’s also married with 2 kids.

I was a bit suspicious because he is ALWAYS on his phone. He takes it everywhere with him, even into the bathroom. So I peeked over when he was on messenger and saw her in his messages. I haven’t snooped but it’s been eating away at me ever since and it’s been months. I know he’s not physically cheated. However, my gut has been screaming at me for months. Prior to this I had no reason to doubt him.

There’s no public trace of them communicating on Facebook. It just seems weird to me. It also seems he has set his profile so I can’t see when he posts in groups he’s in, etc. He has also set it so when he gets a message to his phone it just says message and doesn’t display a name.

I don’t want to outright ask him in case it’s nothing or in case it is something and it just makes him more sneaky and cover his tracks even more so.

Would it be wrong to check this one conversation with this women? I know it’s an invasion of privacy but I really can’t see any other way that I will find out the truth one way or the other. I think if I asked him and there was anything going on he’d just deny it because why wouldn’t he?

Any advice on what to do here? It’s affecting me and making me feel subconscious and angry. We haven’t been as intimate for a while, (not my choice) but I just put that down to life with a young baby and being tired a lot.
Thanks for reading.

This all sounds dodgy itself - he is not acknowledging you on social media and his behaviour has changed as he’s no longer tagging you. He is disassociating you completely like he doesn’t want someone to know he ls married.
It’s when you add this together with your H taking his phone into the shower ect that you ou get this bad feeling in your gut.
if you are going to look on his phone, as pps have said, be prepared you might not like what you see.
I wouldn’t confront him as will give him and opportunity to hide things. Check his phone thoroughly when you can.

Check the messages. If you ask him and he's having an affair he'll just gaslight and hide everything.

Can you read the messages? If so do this. Once you know what’s going ask your dh about her. See what he says. Does she have another profile for Facebook that she is using with your dh?

I agree and the reason I’ve not looked as yet is because I want to respect his privacy. However, he should have told me if he’d made new online friends, like you say it would be common courtesy to tell your spouse. He’s never said anything about making friends online.

Omg OP, please either have a look, or have it out with him. You clearly can’t carry on like this.

I agree with poster above. You need to do something - it is not healthy to go on like this. I agree it does look dodgy but what if it is not? You will have spent months thinking bad things of him unnecessarily. If he has done something bad, much better to just know. I know it's easy for me and others to say but it's understandably eating away at you and that's bad for your own health x

Just look at the messages, no one on here is going to solve it for you.

@TipsyJoker, clearly something is going on. You are being marginalized while he has opened a secret door to this mystery woman.

If you want to know what is happening in your marriage and life, you’re going to have to be proactive and investigate the phone. The alternative is staying in the dark indefinitely.

I think you have enough grounds to have a look, I think you’ll get a feel for what type of ‘friend’ it is quite quickly so you don’t need to snoop much if that makes sense.
The only times my partners have been suspicious with their phones (always placing face down & never letting it leave their sight) is when they’ve been cheating.

A previous partner started talking to woman he met through gaming. They only chatted on discord and it became a very full on emotional affair. I only spotted it when a random person popped up on his messenger and his phone lit up. It wasn’t anyone he was friends with. Turns out he’d been ignoring the woman so she messaged him on messenger and Instagram just to get him to reply to her.

You either need to have it out with him or try look at the messages.

@TipsyJoker I always respect the posts of @MsDogLady she is always spot on with her perspective and advice!

I’m sorry that happened to you. Did you find out by snooping? If you don’t mind me asking x

No he doesn’t. If he reconnected with an old friend, it wouldn’t bother me. He has female friends he speaks to, meets up with, etc and i don’t have a problem with it at all because i know about them and i trusted him. It’s the fact that this woman has never been mentioned and as far as he is concerned, I’m oblivious as to her existence. Why keep her a secret unless it’s dodgy?

Why does he have to tell you about all his friends and when he's talking to them or meeting up with them? It's this that's led to your deduction that he's doing something he shouldn't be because he's not told you about her. You are now appearing to have serious trust/control issues. He may well be up to no good, but this is no way to conduct a relationship with an equal partner.

I agree and the reason I’ve not looked as yet is because I want to respect his privacy. However, he should have told me if he’d made new online friends, like you say it would be common courtesy to tell your spouse. He’s never said anything about making friends online.

But you have looked already (half looked). That's why you're in this situation now. So you might as well just take a proper look and find out exactly what their conversation is about.

And if it's innocent then in going forward you need to take a long hard look at your suspicious attitude/trust issues, because this situation will no doubt arise again.

I would probably just look OP. No good all the worrying.

I agree. It's unfortunate to have to do it, but you cannot go on as you are. If you find you haven't got access to his phone, then ask him. And the woman if you're not satisfied with the answer. It'll do no one any good to go on as you are.

Yep, this

We’ve been together over a decade and I’ve never had any trust issues whatsoever. He’s always talked about his friends, male and female openly. Not talking about this person is out of character. Changing the settings on his social media is also out of character. Being protective of his phone is also questionable. The constant online usage is much worse now than it was. Even when we sit to watch a movie together, he’s not watching with me he’s on his phone. Intimacy getting less and less is not down to me. I’ve done nothing wrong and I’m not controlling in any way whatsoever. I happened to see this, I didn’t go looking for it and I haven’t looked on his devices since I saw it and have been noticing all these behaviour changes. Having suspicions which I feel are not unfounded and wanting answers, does not make me controlling. I’ve been nothing but a loving and supportive wife and mother to this man through a whole host of personal issues from his end and at the very least, I deserve not to be taken for a mug whilst he chats with strange women behind my back. Maybe you think that’s acceptable but I certainly do not. I’m not the one chatting to strange men online and I can assure you that if I was, he would be apoplectic.

It’s always locked and I don’t have his pin. It doesn’t make sense why he’s be so attached to it as he is. It’s the first thing he does each morning. He sleeps with it next to his bed, sometimes under his pillow. He never leaves it behind even for a minute.

Hi, I've been in a very similar situation to yourself. For your own peace of mind, you need to ask him. His reaction will more than likely give you a feel for what is going on. My husband met a lady through online gaming and they become close friends. I had no idea about this. My husband didn't tell me about her because he thought I would be upset (I was). They used to call and message each other as long distance friends. I hope you are ok

The only reason I’ve not is because I have been trying to respect his privacy but it’s eating away at me and it’s starting to cause me to not want to be around him and angry when he’s being cagey with his phone.

OP: just look. When / if you can. From his POV why is not wanting to be around him and constantly suspecting him and feeling angry at him worse than having a look?

But...how do you know so much about her? Where she lives, what job she does, her age?

And...are you sure that is actually her name and he hasn't saved someone else's name under a random name? Though a real sneaky cheater would use a man's name.

You are worried about 'respecting his privacy', he meanwhile has something to hide or is not respecting you enough to trust you...so one way and another you need this sorted. The vanishing you from his social media is a bit sus.

I am sorry you are in this situation, it must be horrible.

Put yourself out of your misery and look.

OP, take a look at his phone. There is no way you can unsee what you have already seen.

Ignore those posters shouting about trust issues and privacy, it may be something or it may be nothing. There is only one way to find out and that is to check for yourself.

If it’s innocent, you can relax and put it behind you, no harm done.

If it’s not innocent, take screen shots and confront him.

good luck, I hope it’s nothing but you need to know one way or another.

My experience is that the sex forums are rather unwieldy, so XH would take chat/sexting to Kik or FB messenger as soon as he enjoyed wanking with someone. Quicker to be in contact.

I'm sorry to put that thought in your head, but I agree with the other posters telling you to look. You're going to have no peace until you do.

OP you may not have the answer you want - to know for certain what's going on. But I think this alone is enough to give you the answer you need. Plus all the other things, blocking you, not responding. I'm afraid there is an OW somewhere, whether that's physical or emotional.

If you can get into his phone do so, but be prepared for what you're going to find. It's not going to be pretty.

Either way you need to think about how you're going to react. Would you stay with him? Leave? If you'd leave then start making preparations now, bank statements, other paperwork etc.

If there’s another woman then I’d pack up his stuff and tell him he’s leaving. I wouldn’t even want to talk about it. It would be over. I would be disgusted and I would never be able to trust him again. I would coparent amicably but our relationship would be over. And I’m prepared for that. Of course I would be livid and heartbroken, especially since we have a young baby who he would’ve cheated out of a solid family life with both parents and I’d have wasted over a decade of my life but I would never be able to look at him the same way ever again because it’s not who I believed him to be. I’m a strong woman though so I know I would get through it.

Then look OP.
You really need to put your mind at rest

Good luck.