Who Is She????!!!!!

[TipsyJoker]

Hey lovelies,

I just wanted to ask some advice. I saw on my husbands messenger that he’s been messaging some woman I’ve never seen or heard of before. I didn’t read the messages so I don’t know the content of them. I just saw her in his messages. I checked Facebook and it seems like they’re not friends. So I did a little bit of digging. They have no seeming connection to each other. No friends in common. They don’t work together or even in the same field. She lives about 400 miles away. He’s never mentioned her to me. They don’t have any obvious common likes on fb. She’s also married with 2 kids.

I was a bit suspicious because he is ALWAYS on his phone. He takes it everywhere with him, even into the bathroom. So I peeked over when he was on messenger and saw her in his messages. I haven’t snooped but it’s been eating away at me ever since and it’s been months. I know he’s not physically cheated. However, my gut has been screaming at me for months. Prior to this I had no reason to doubt him.

There’s no public trace of them communicating on Facebook. It just seems weird to me. It also seems he has set his profile so I can’t see when he posts in groups he’s in, etc. He has also set it so when he gets a message to his phone it just says message and doesn’t display a name.

I don’t want to outright ask him in case it’s nothing or in case it is something and it just makes him more sneaky and cover his tracks even more so.

Would it be wrong to check this one conversation with this women? I know it’s an invasion of privacy but I really can’t see any other way that I will find out the truth one way or the other. I think if I asked him and there was anything going on he’d just deny it because why wouldn’t he?

Any advice on what to do here? It’s affecting me and making me feel subconscious and angry. We haven’t been as intimate for a while, (not my choice) but I just put that down to life with a young baby and being tired a lot.
Thanks for reading.

I 100% would read the messages, no doubt about it.

Seems suspicious to me - especially if he takes his devices into the shower with him. I’d definitely check the messages.

I don’t know. I don’t think he plays online. I know that if I was suddenly chatting to men I met online, even innocently, he would not be happy. I think it’s the fact that it’s like a part of his life I am not privy to. It’s like lying by omission or something. I always tell him who I’m talking to and he is welcome to look at my phone anytime because I have nothing to hide. I know that if he was in my position he would be livid.

I really don’t think it is. He’s not a contractor and he doesn’t work that way.

I always trusted him implicitly until this happened and for some reason it’s just sending my gut instinct off the charts. And I am very open and always try to communicate but he is being very cagey. The reason I’ve not brought it up to him as I normally would is that I feel doing so will just drive any misdeeds further underground and I’ll never know the truth. Our marriage was wonderful until this. At least I believed it to be.

This is what I am feeling. The only reason I’ve not is because I have been trying to respect his privacy but it’s eating away at me and it’s starting to cause me to not want to be around him and angry when he’s being cagey with his phone.

No he’s not selling anything and I can’t find anything she might have posted for sale either.

Just look. If I knew my partner was this worried about me doing something or hiding something I'd be quite happy for them to look at my messages. I have nothing to hide and I would be happy for them to reassure themselves - providing it was a genuine one off panic not controlling behaviour. I'd rather be asked than be snooped on but if my partner explained it and it was just once I'd be OK. Look, and then see what you feel after that. If it is innocent great - but assess if you feel relieved or actually still unsettled, if the latter perhaps there is a deeper problem you aren't admitting to yourself. If there is evidence of misbehaviour you can leave him with a clear conscience. Trust your gut.

Absolutely read the messages! It will give you peace of mind one way or another.

It is! It’s the secretive nature of it. It seems sneaky and underhanded.

Trust your instincts OP, something feels off about this. I'd want to read the messages they've exchanged. Then hopefully you'll know what's going on!

No he doesn’t. If he reconnected with an old friend, it wouldn’t bother me. He has female friends he speaks to, meets up with, etc and i don’t have a problem with it at all because i know about them and i trusted him. It’s the fact that this woman has never been mentioned and as far as he is concerned, I’m oblivious as to her existence. Why keep her a secret unless it’s dodgy?

Of course you are unsettled, @TipsyJoker. The dynamics of your marriage have suddenly changed. Your H is showing dodgy phone and SM behavior, and it sounds like he has withdrawn intimacy.

Your emotional health is understandably suffering. You need answers and they are very likely on his phone. I wouldn’t hesitate to check it out asap.

I think a lot of people use discord for games. There is chatting for other things but a lot of it is a way for gamers to chat or find out things or get help with a game.

I joined discord this year with a game and it's been amazing to find helpful people who have lots of knowledge. However, the difference is, my partner knows I am on it and if he ever wanted to see, I'd show him instantly. He'd never ask to be fair. He knows I wouldn't do anything. I have another chat on there with other adhd users.

My partner suddenly went all secretive with his phone after we had our son, I went on it eventually and he was on all sorts on discord, emotionally cheating and had 'online girlfriends'. So 100% check if you can.
I know how hard it is, you wont get piece of mind til you check xx

Just look. This is ridiculous.

You’re making yourself ill and you could just end the hyper vigilance and anxiety around it all.

TBH I doubt it’s innocent and from my experience he’ll lie, gaslight and manipulate you more if you ask.

Just look.

Sorry OP - I’m not trying to fill your head with thoughts but this is what happened with my husband just after he cheated . He didn’t comment on anything of mine , had it set to have to approve any tags and I noticed that he hadn’t actually approved any I had tagged him in . Turns out he was worried the other woman would be able to contact me through it if he did .

No he’s def not so I don’t think it’s that.

Someone a few pages back suggested you ask to look at his photos and then carefully watching his reaction. Is there a recent holiday or family event where asking to do this would be quite plausible? Or if there is one coming up, ask him to take photos so that there is a legitimate reason as to why you might ask for his phone later on.
My kids also often ask to use my phone camera to take pictures, though it is locked. Ask to borrow it for this reason (leave yours behind somewhere) and look at how he reacts.

I agree the secretive behaviour and the unplaceable women he is chatting with doesn’t look good though.

After everything you’ve said, I’d definitely be looking at his messages.

I used to be part of few hidden groups on Facebook. Like pregnant type 1 diabetic mom group. It doesn't need to be hidden, but a lot of people don't want family to know they are pregnant in early pregnancy.

Does he have an illness that he might have joined a fb for? Then people in this group can send each other messages without being friends on Facebook. Which is handy.

If it’s a friend then why the big secret? I think it’s the hiding it that’s the main problem for me.

You should have open access to his phone and computer, social media accounts etc.
Men cannot be trusted and the ones that can would not mind being open.

This is possible! Believe me.

I agree with those telling you to just look. You won't rest until you know for sure.