Who Is She????!!!!!

[TipsyJoker]

Hey lovelies,

I just wanted to ask some advice. I saw on my husbands messenger that he’s been messaging some woman I’ve never seen or heard of before. I didn’t read the messages so I don’t know the content of them. I just saw her in his messages. I checked Facebook and it seems like they’re not friends. So I did a little bit of digging. They have no seeming connection to each other. No friends in common. They don’t work together or even in the same field. She lives about 400 miles away. He’s never mentioned her to me. They don’t have any obvious common likes on fb. She’s also married with 2 kids.

I was a bit suspicious because he is ALWAYS on his phone. He takes it everywhere with him, even into the bathroom. So I peeked over when he was on messenger and saw her in his messages. I haven’t snooped but it’s been eating away at me ever since and it’s been months. I know he’s not physically cheated. However, my gut has been screaming at me for months. Prior to this I had no reason to doubt him.

There’s no public trace of them communicating on Facebook. It just seems weird to me. It also seems he has set his profile so I can’t see when he posts in groups he’s in, etc. He has also set it so when he gets a message to his phone it just says message and doesn’t display a name.

I don’t want to outright ask him in case it’s nothing or in case it is something and it just makes him more sneaky and cover his tracks even more so.

Would it be wrong to check this one conversation with this women? I know it’s an invasion of privacy but I really can’t see any other way that I will find out the truth one way or the other. I think if I asked him and there was anything going on he’d just deny it because why wouldn’t he?

Any advice on what to do here? It’s affecting me and making me feel subconscious and angry. We haven’t been as intimate for a while, (not my choice) but I just put that down to life with a young baby and being tired a lot.
Thanks for reading.

this is such a red flag as it your previous post about changed behaviour.

It sounds like he's cheating OP. I'm so very sorry. You need proof though and I don't know how you'll get it but you need to find a way into his FB messages. Or his whatsapp somehow.

I wonder if the hive mind of MN can think of a way to do that. Otherwise he'll just deny it. Like they all do.

Wait until he's asleep and take his phone to the bathroom

This sounds awful OP. The fact that he brings both his tablet and his phone into the shower is just a massive red flag. As is your own instinct. The number one tell-tale sign for a partner being adulterous is normally a change in behaviours around their phone, i.e. an increase in use, not leaving it out of sight, becoming secretive etc and he is displaying all of these behaviours. And I can understand that it is nigh on impossible to confront him without actual proof. You basically need to find a way to access his devices.

Yes does he sleep deeply OP. Or have a drink some nights? You'll need to press his finger to the phone presumably? If you don't have his pin. Then wonder off with it and put it back somehow without him waking. Yikes. What a thing to have to do. But you need answers.

Why not join his discord server under a nickname. You might find answers there if she is in discord chatting with him? You only need to know the name of their server to join.

I don’t know the name. How would I find out?

That's tricky for Discord. You'd need to be looking over his shoulder for that to find the server name.

How does he open his phone? With a pin or with a fingerprint? And same for ipad. How does he open that?

Does he ever put his phone down without pressing lock? So it’s left unlocked .. if so, maybe you could distract him with something that he has to go do while you check it. If you have no idea of his PIN that would be your only chance to look. Unless you could swipe down from the top or from the right while it’s locked and unattended to see if anything appears on his Lock Screen. But it sounds like he’s switched those things off.

Just to note, I personally don’t have notifications appear on my unlocked phone screen, I have a PIN on and am always attached to my phone and I’m definitely not having an affair or planning to or even in touch with anyone unexpected. (But I am female!)

I have friends who use messenger but do not have FB or other social media - both male and female.
I also send messages to myself on FB- things I want to retrieve later or photos taken on my phone - I have sent to myself to edit on the laptop where I can see them better.

And it is a 4 digit or 6 digit pin?

Wasted your effort on him and the relationship maybe, but not your time - you gained your beautiful children from this marriage.

The issue is not only the suspicion of cheating but all the other changes in behaviour and the way he is treating you and communicating with you. It might be best to address this first and see how he responds, without bringing up other women. See if he's willing to talk about any of that, or if he brushes it off as if it's nothing. Then you will have a better idea of how you want to move forward.

Sorry but His having an affair..probably going to move away eventually to join her? What else can it be? Sadly His certainly not committed to you or wouldn’t act this way..
get yourself ready to move on, what a scumbag You deserve better ..

You are not crazy, trust your gut feeling, my husband was just like yours he took his phone with him everywhere. Even slept with it under his pillow, took it in the shower. It's because they are messaging women and they don't want you to see it. I got hold of his phone and yes he was telling other women he loved them, I have no proof he physically cheated but I would imagine he did as he went missing for quite a few hours and I couldn't contact him. I left him and never looked back.

Gross! yeah some people actually prefer cheating with people who live further away as they reckon it reduces their chances of getting caught.

When I used to do online dating there were men who I suspect were married or in a relationship that wanted to travel to meet up quickly. I live in the north of England and had at least one guy from Ireland who wanted to come “visit” me 🙄

OP, forget about respecting his privacy. You have already had a peek and now need to take a proper look and find out once and for all. It does seem very likely that something is going on unfortunately and it will likely escalate if you don’t look into it.

I’d look. I would not ask. You have said why, and I agree, he’ll cover his tracks, be ready for more questions. Looking at messages, raises more questions than it answers sometimes. No point asking anyway, he’s not going to tell you the truth. He has too much to lose so he will lie.

@Cobbledstreets i had that once on online dating. Someone from Leeds who wanted to quickly meet up for a coffee (I live in Scotland!) I quickly shut that conversation down.

I mean this kindly but how are you going to look at his phone if there's a lock and you don't know the pin?

If you can manage it somehow, I think you need to look yourself rather than ask him or else he'll just wipe the evidence and then you'll never know.

Better to take a look just this once, given the background of secretive behaviour and changes. If there's nothing there you can put it out of your mind. But I rather suspect there's something to hide - no one takes a tablet and phone into the bathroom unless they're hiding something. Could it be "just" porn?

If you ask him and then he delays for a bit/leaves the room before showing you, you'll always wonder whether he deleted the evidence. You have one chance to check before showing him your cards - he's given you grounds to suspect so the only way to know for sure is to look.

You're not going to be able to look though are you? You don't know his pin so how is that even an option?

Either ask him outright or friend her on Facebook and wait for the response 😎

You mention he had other issues. Could this be someone like an online therapist or AA buddy?

Yeah quite right - he was probably not single! I mean long distance relationships are a thing of course, but you can definitely tell when it’s just men hoping to engineer a quick one night stand far away from anyone they may know.

A bit off topic but it's absolutely shocking the amount of men on dating apps who are in relationships. I think it’s at least half of them.

Ask him if you can borrow his phone, yours is dead, upstairs, in the car. If he hands it straight over and walks away then that’s good, if he says oh just a minute and leaves the room with the phone (probably to hide or delete stuff) then that’s not good at all.

Or, if he has face recognition, hold the phone to his face while he’s asleep then take it and look at his messages from mystery woman.

You need to get to the bottom of this before it drives you mad,

He’s not seeing a therapist and he’s not in AA. Never has done for either

6

He has both but I can access his tablet which has all his apps in it.