Who Is She????!!!!!

[TipsyJoker]

Hey lovelies,

I just wanted to ask some advice. I saw on my husbands messenger that he’s been messaging some woman I’ve never seen or heard of before. I didn’t read the messages so I don’t know the content of them. I just saw her in his messages. I checked Facebook and it seems like they’re not friends. So I did a little bit of digging. They have no seeming connection to each other. No friends in common. They don’t work together or even in the same field. She lives about 400 miles away. He’s never mentioned her to me. They don’t have any obvious common likes on fb. She’s also married with 2 kids.

I was a bit suspicious because he is ALWAYS on his phone. He takes it everywhere with him, even into the bathroom. So I peeked over when he was on messenger and saw her in his messages. I haven’t snooped but it’s been eating away at me ever since and it’s been months. I know he’s not physically cheated. However, my gut has been screaming at me for months. Prior to this I had no reason to doubt him.

There’s no public trace of them communicating on Facebook. It just seems weird to me. It also seems he has set his profile so I can’t see when he posts in groups he’s in, etc. He has also set it so when he gets a message to his phone it just says message and doesn’t display a name.

I don’t want to outright ask him in case it’s nothing or in case it is something and it just makes him more sneaky and cover his tracks even more so.

Would it be wrong to check this one conversation with this women? I know it’s an invasion of privacy but I really can’t see any other way that I will find out the truth one way or the other. I think if I asked him and there was anything going on he’d just deny it because why wouldn’t he?

Any advice on what to do here? It’s affecting me and making me feel subconscious and angry. We haven’t been as intimate for a while, (not my choice) but I just put that down to life with a young baby and being tired a lot.
Thanks for reading.

In this situation I would honestly try to look. Yes you should trust him but can we ever trust anyone fully? I may be cynical and have been cheated on too many times though.

OP channeling Nikki Grahame.

Trust your instincts. And be prepared for criticism after the fact but your peace of mind matters more anything right now. No one needs to constantly take their phone to the loo. I know a lot of people take their phones into the bathroom, but when it goes in with them every time, then it’s odd.
If you find nothing of interest, then you can put it back and no harm done.
But if you find anything that concerns you, then you had a right to look. You are tying yourself in knots and if this man loves you, your peace of mind should matter.
Anyone in their right mind would worry.
Cheating to me is this - if you wouldn’t want your partner to see it, then it’s wrong.
I would personally search the phone and have answers rather than ask for them and risk getting lied to.

Yes. He takes it everywhere. And often his tablet too. He takes both into the shower with him. He plays music on the tablet but why take the phone in too? It seems off to me.

How about saying “do we know a woman called x - facebook just suggested her as a friend to me, she looks familiar but my brain is mush these days”.

Him taking his phone everywhere would be the red flag for me.

I would 100% read the messages, not sure how as he takes it everywhere. When he's sleeping maybe? The not knowing would kill me. You I think already know something is up, based on how he is with his phone and seeing this random woman's name in his messenger and you not knowing about would be more than enough for me to find a way. If you find nothing you can forget about it, if you find something then it's up to you where you go.

I think you need to stop going round in circles and just make a decision. I think the vast majority here are saying "yes" they would look. I think you know yourself you should look too. You are definitely justified to look & I believe thats what you are asking. Do it sooner than later before your mental health is seriously effected

If it’s driving you up the wall, just check. I have people who message me on Facebook that I have no other connection with/am not friends with. They are people I know through groups I belong to (support groups actually, hence the private messaging) or through selling groups. I have someone who has been messaging me for months wanting to buy my horse. To an outsider, it probably looks like we message a lot, but I’m just trying to keep her sweet in case I actually want to sell my horse. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I occasionally have exes message me. I’ve been happily married to Dh for 15 years. No bloody interest in chatting with ex from 20 years ago, but I’m judgemental and nosy so I don’t just block them. 😂

If I was going to have an illicit online communication with a random though, it wouldn’t be through facebook messenger.

I would just check. Either it will be something obvious and you’ll feel silly. Or you’ll be grateful you know.

Since he takes his phone with him everywhere, does that mean he leaves it unlocked, or you share pins?

I am so against partners checking each others phones as I think it’s a massive invasion of privacy.

But I actually think in this situation you’d be justified in checking it.

Tbh I can’t see how you can’t, because this is going to just eat away at you.

After checking them and if you find it’s completely innocent, then it’s worth considering telling him and then he can decide whether you looking is something to end the relationship over.

Could it be work related? I had a similar thing with my DH when I saw a message from a woman to him. I didn't know her name, never heard of her, he had never mentioned her. It was obvious that he had tried to call her from her message to him. I worried about it for a few days but didn't snoop. A couple of days later it became apparent that she was a woman he used to work with that he had contacted about a job for one of his friends - he was telling me about his friend looking for a job and how he had spoken to a former colleague. Mystery solved! It could be something like this OP completely harmless. The only way to find out for sure though is to ask him - or snoop!?

Isnt his phone locked, can you snoop and read the messages when he leaves it unattended <if he ever does>.

Also op, unless he is with you 24/7 don't be so sure he hasn't physically cheated. It doesn't require overnight stays they could meet daytime in hotels when you think he's at work.

I hope there's an innocent explanation but if he's keeping her secret I would guess not.

Fgs just read the messages already!

The fact his phone is glued to his hand, and he takes it everywhere, always on it etc, which is a change to his previous behaviour with the phone - massive red flags. I would definitely access the message. Of course there’s no point in ‘just ask him’ as suggested by other posters. He’s hardly going to come clean if his moral compass is such that he’s taking part in cheating. Always go with your gut OP. Always.

I would have already looked 😂😂😂 but do you know his passcode?

She's a dog breeder. He's thinking of getting a puppy as a surprise.

She was visiting your area and she left her purse on a bus. He kindly returned it for her.

A friend of a friend suggested that she get in touch. She is looking for a work experience placement for one of her children.

He is selling an item on-line that she is interested in buying.

She is his sponsor in a support group for people who are addicted to their phones.

This is getting us nowhere - your options are to put it out of your mind, read the texts or ask him. Pick one.

If you just ask to see his phone with no warning after he’s been using it quite a lot you’ll find the answer to your worries in his reaction.

If he asks why say you accidentally saw something unexpected over his shoulder and are overthinking it and need to settle your mind. You don’t want to say what, you just want to see.

Any innocent party would be keen to settle the mind of a worried partner (even if offended). If he won’t show you his phone or you get the “if you love me you’d trust me” bulls**t … i think you know what’s going on.

Make sure he knows it’s a “show the phone immediately or damage the relationship irreparably” moment.

that’s a good idea but if he refuses to show you he’ll delete everything and be way sneakier. That might be enough for you either way though.

if you’re not being intimate and he’s not working and on the sick what is the point of him incidentally? I know that sounds harsh but I’d be questioning!

This alone screams cheating liar to me.

I honestly think I’d end my relationship if I asked to see a phone message and he refused or deleted things first. Why would you refuse unless you’re hiding something.
And there’s a difference between privacy and secrecy. I just think if it’s not opened up to be looked at, it’s a secret. Especially if you’re clear about being worried.

The woman he has met online on a niche website for a very specific kink, or someone he's hoping to physically cheat with at set times a year and is making sure he doesn't bump into her when you're at Tesco's.

I would definitely check his phone.

Ten points to Gryfindor for creativity! 🤣🤣🤣

I didn’t even know he was on discord or Reddit until recently and he’s been on Reddit for like 2 years and I don’t know how long but joined discord more recently. He’s not a complete gamer. He does play a little but he’s not the full blown, all consuming gamer type. As far as I know he doesn’t play online. He never likes my social media or comments. Even if I post on his page, often he will not even react to it. Whereas he used to constantly tag me, comment and post on my timeline, etc. If yo went on his page you wouldn’t know I exist.