Who Is She????!!!!!

[TipsyJoker]

Hey lovelies,

I just wanted to ask some advice. I saw on my husbands messenger that he’s been messaging some woman I’ve never seen or heard of before. I didn’t read the messages so I don’t know the content of them. I just saw her in his messages. I checked Facebook and it seems like they’re not friends. So I did a little bit of digging. They have no seeming connection to each other. No friends in common. They don’t work together or even in the same field. She lives about 400 miles away. He’s never mentioned her to me. They don’t have any obvious common likes on fb. She’s also married with 2 kids.

I was a bit suspicious because he is ALWAYS on his phone. He takes it everywhere with him, even into the bathroom. So I peeked over when he was on messenger and saw her in his messages. I haven’t snooped but it’s been eating away at me ever since and it’s been months. I know he’s not physically cheated. However, my gut has been screaming at me for months. Prior to this I had no reason to doubt him.

There’s no public trace of them communicating on Facebook. It just seems weird to me. It also seems he has set his profile so I can’t see when he posts in groups he’s in, etc. He has also set it so when he gets a message to his phone it just says message and doesn’t display a name.

I don’t want to outright ask him in case it’s nothing or in case it is something and it just makes him more sneaky and cover his tracks even more so.

Would it be wrong to check this one conversation with this women? I know it’s an invasion of privacy but I really can’t see any other way that I will find out the truth one way or the other. I think if I asked him and there was anything going on he’d just deny it because why wouldn’t he?

Any advice on what to do here? It’s affecting me and making me feel subconscious and angry. We haven’t been as intimate for a while, (not my choice) but I just put that down to life with a young baby and being tired a lot.
Thanks for reading.

Why on earth did your post about you being his carer suddenly illicit responses around the poor sausage feeling emancipated and living in a fantasy world?

If by emancipated you mean “emasculated” lol that was me. I obviously don’t know the guy but that is just a theory I had which OP rejected and that’s fine. She does know him better than me of course.

I was very clear that no matter what reason is behind it is wrong. OP had been asking why and how could he do this to their family, so I was throwing out potential reasons (not excuses) in the context of him being at home all day. But I’ve also already said - we may never understand what goes on in the head of cheaters and it’s about their failings rather than anything wrong with their partner.

Again I couldn’t have been clearer in all of my posts that nothing justifies his behaviour, nor was I sympathising with him. I even said if anything it makes worse that she is his carer while he is (most likely) cheating.

If you were referring to another poster that’s fine but just to reiterate as a general point - anyone who thinks I was sympathising or excusing OPs husband has poor comprehension skills or is nitpicking for the sake of it.

In that case @TipsyJoker your quickest way for proof, albeit not exactly legal, is to put a small hidden camera in the living room. Then you'll see what he's been up to in the night. You'll need to be discreet in buying this. Amazon sells them for relatively cheap.

@ReadingSoManyThreads
Wow. That's a Shockingly good idea

OP, from what you’ve posted it seems like you plan to play the long game, so I will tailor my advice to this.

When you get the chance, seek legal advice. Find out what divorce, custody, division of assets, financial support, etc… will most likely look like. Make sure you have all important documents for yourself and your children in a safe place. Make sure you have all information on finances and assets.

Act as normal as you can. Blame any differences on the stress of the new baby/lack of sleep/carer duties/hormones, whatever works for you. Bide your time as you gather the evidence you need. This can take an emotional toll on you, so be willing to get therapy. Not because you are mentally unstable, but because this is huge and you may need to talk about it with someone. I don’t know if you have anyone in real life you can share this with. If you do, use that support.

I’m sorry you are going through this. Only you know all the minutiae of your situation. It doesn’t seem like your husband is abusive or dangerous, so the wisest thing to do is take the time you need to put yourself and your children into the best position for the future.

To be clear, my sympathy lies entirely with the wronged wife and her children. Not with any sofa sexting lunks.

I was just speculating on what might be going through his head. He will wake up one day and regret his stupidity.

The circumstantial evidence without concrete proof must be excruciating. It sounds like you are doing well in the circumstances OP. I do hope you withdraw your caring labour for this man and concentrate on the children. Two teenies is plenty of work without running ragged for this man.

And as others have said, get prepared.

When you mention that you're his caregiver, are there any specific responsibilities involved? How extensive is the care he requires?

While waiting for the opportunity to check his messages again, I suggest focusing on your own life and discontinuing your caregiving role for him. Why should you provide any care for him? Let him manage on his own and move forward with your life. Go out without him, take the kids out, and essentially distance yourself from the relationship until you can verify his messages again.

Why is there still so much stigma around mental health? Nobody is even suggesting there is anything to diagnose, we are talking about mental health in general. Everybody has mental health, in the same way we all have physical health. We do our best to look after each aspect for our overall wellbeing but sometimes we can't treat everything by ourselves. It shouldn't be seen as any different than going to your doctor for something physical causing you pain or discomfort, however big or small.

It is kind to suggest that someone may find it helpful to talk to a professional. Please stop viewing this in such a negative way. The majority of people would probably find it beneficial speaking to a therapist. What's holding them back is either that it's inaccessible due to cost, or because of these outdated opinions that you have to have a "problem" to see one. Taking offence at the idea of having a mental health condition will really make all those who do feel better - very kind of you.

No that’s not what I’m saying at all. Please stop responding because you’re not helping at all. It comes across as you being deliberately harsh to a woman who’s husband has betrayed her for absolutely no reason other than his own selfish needs. So thanks for that.

You could actually use a baby monitor if you have one with a video but make sure you turn the sound off! My friend did this to her partner when he was cheating. Worked a treat.

Oh please save us the patronising sermon. The pp said 'Jesus, OP. You refuse to even talk to your husband because you need "proof" but at the same time you are absolutely convinced of this affair and now you're deciding the OW is spreading stds and using her husband for his money... yet as far as I can tell you still have no idea what's going on other than there were some messages that might have been deleted.I feel like maybe you need to talk to a mental health professional before making decisions about your marriage - or anyone else's.'

That is no way encouraging the op look after their mental health. The 'Jesus' at the start kind of spoilt any possible supportive element to the post. Suggesting they talk to a professional was a sneer so please don't wang on about 'stigma around mh' and read the post and context.

Exactly. Thank you.

I have read all the posts. What was being addressed were the hypotheticals that are running through OP's head, understandably when she has been left guessing and there is so much to process, but none of which have been shown to be true so far. I am an overthinker and I would be doing the same in her position. I also would not blame someone for pointing this out to me, knowing that I am (or OP is) the one who will suffer even more from doing it and at this point it doesn't help the current situation. Yes, it could have been said in a nicer way, some people also appreciate bluntness.

The only reason I quoted your post was because you said it was suggested that there was a problem. That's your interpretation, I didn't read it that way. And it was not my intention to be patronising, I was just venting because you acted like it was an insulting thing to recommend.

The 'Jesus, OP' was exasperation at all the going around and around in circles. Certainly not sneering. The suggestion to talk to a professional was genuine - I've experienced the kind of thinking that the OP is demonstrating and it helped to have someone to talk to, to kind of break the loop and help me find clarity. I agree with pp that suggesting finding support for mental health is not an insult. We all need it at some point in our lives. But I also understand that my comments have come across as too harsh. I do tend to run out of patience with that kind of thinking, maybe because I've been prone to it myself.

Anyway, it's a very difficult and upsetting position to be in.
OP, wishing you some peace, at least for tonight x

You are right that they get off on it. My cheating ex used to take me out on a date night, then text his mistress while I was in the toilet to say he wished he was with her. He also used to deliberately call me for no reason when he was with her. I'm certain they both got off on the cruel, disrespectful and transgressive nature of it. These are disturbed people. Get your ducks in a row so you will eventually be shed of this bastard. Even if you are his carer, you still don't have to stay. He's betrayed you so you owe him nothing. Let him sort out his own care needs. Best of luck to you.

@TipsyJoker I haven’t read all the replies but I have read everything you have posted. I think you are being incredibly smart and brave to wait for concrete proof before you act.

I also think you’re totally within your rights to feel at one moment the relationship is done and in the next be unsure/wait for confirmation of what he has actually done.

If we are honest most of us wouldve already acted out of hurt/emotion by this point. You are being very level headed and I have no doubt whatever the outcome you will have the strength to come out the other side okay.

there is so much spite and vitriol on this site sometimes you really have to have your hard hat on and I think sometimes people forget this is someone’s REAL life rather than a gossip column!

Thank you

@TipsyJoker can I give you a tip in case it’s helpful. You said no other devices but I wonder if your H has a laptop he uses. This was how I ‘caught’ my exh. I opened his laptop and immediately switched it to airline mode. That way, no new emails would download, which would have alerted him that his laptop had been opened and his emails looked at. I searched the OW’s name in Outlook, and there was one single result - a courier company reporting an attempted delivery to this name at what transpired to be her home address, several months earlier. Note he had evidently deleted all other emails pertaining to this online order. That was what I needed. That was the end.

I'm always completely baffled as to how so many men are able to have relationships with not just one, but two or more women.

Gosh, reading all these stories from women who have been cheated on is so sad. I was cheated on repeatedly. It changes you as a person. I'm single now and plan to stay single for a very long time. Why are men such wankers? I'm so sorry you're still non the wiser. I say bide your time. He will mess up eventually if he is cheating.

I also think you’re absolutely doing the right thing by playing the long game OP.
Slowly slowly catchy monkey … he will hang himself in the end. They always do.

Yes this is my feeling also. I’ve noticed some new changes to his behaviour over the last couple of days. He’s started taking his phone everywhere again but he’s not constantly on messenger. They must’ve moved their communications to another app, possibly WhatsApp. I woke up last night and he was checking his phone when he thought I was asleep. It was 2:30am and there would be no reason for him to be on his phone in the middle of the night. He’s already starting to revert back to his more furtive behaviours after only a couple of days of being extra nice and more open with this phone.

Oh god, this must be so horrible for you. I hope you can get the proof you need soon! If it's only been a couple of days and he's messaging in the early hours, it sounds like it's not something/someone he's prepared to give up on, so he'll probably trip himself up at some point.

If you mean time, they enjoy getting their egos and dicks stroked by more than one woman. If it's something they enjoy it's easy to find the time for it. I can't find time to go for a run before work. But I loathe running. If I loved if I'm sure I would find the time.

If you mean effort, then they have usually checked out of the original relationship, so they aren't putting in any emotional labour (if they ever did much anyway) so it doesn't mentally cost them much.

If you mean morally, then they are just selfish. Their penis and their ego just mean more to them than anything else. They usually justify it to themselves with the whole men have "needs" that have to be met and they aren't getting the attention they want (notice how often they cheat in pregnancy or when kids are very young.)

Oh OP I really hope you get the proof you need soon as this is no way to live at all. We’re all different - some need physical proof, others can go off the proof they’ve seen but can no longer access. I hope you find the strength to leave, as your trust will never ever be the same again. Wishing you luck x