Who Is She????!!!!!

[TipsyJoker]

Hey lovelies,

I just wanted to ask some advice. I saw on my husbands messenger that he’s been messaging some woman I’ve never seen or heard of before. I didn’t read the messages so I don’t know the content of them. I just saw her in his messages. I checked Facebook and it seems like they’re not friends. So I did a little bit of digging. They have no seeming connection to each other. No friends in common. They don’t work together or even in the same field. She lives about 400 miles away. He’s never mentioned her to me. They don’t have any obvious common likes on fb. She’s also married with 2 kids.

I was a bit suspicious because he is ALWAYS on his phone. He takes it everywhere with him, even into the bathroom. So I peeked over when he was on messenger and saw her in his messages. I haven’t snooped but it’s been eating away at me ever since and it’s been months. I know he’s not physically cheated. However, my gut has been screaming at me for months. Prior to this I had no reason to doubt him.

There’s no public trace of them communicating on Facebook. It just seems weird to me. It also seems he has set his profile so I can’t see when he posts in groups he’s in, etc. He has also set it so when he gets a message to his phone it just says message and doesn’t display a name.

I don’t want to outright ask him in case it’s nothing or in case it is something and it just makes him more sneaky and cover his tracks even more so.

Would it be wrong to check this one conversation with this women? I know it’s an invasion of privacy but I really can’t see any other way that I will find out the truth one way or the other. I think if I asked him and there was anything going on he’d just deny it because why wouldn’t he?

Any advice on what to do here? It’s affecting me and making me feel subconscious and angry. We haven’t been as intimate for a while, (not my choice) but I just put that down to life with a young baby and being tired a lot.
Thanks for reading.

That’s no excuse for cheating online with other women. He should say he’s resentful of that the case and work through it, not run off to other women on the internet. I absolutely will not excuse this behaviour. And anyway, he’s not emasculated because he’s actually very into himself and thinks he’s quite a special character.

I assume he sleeps on the couch so he can stay up late and get off to/with other women.

OP, are you absolutely certain that the woman you found on FB is the same woman he is messaging? There may be more than one person with that name, I know if I put my name in the search bar 6 people come up with the same name.
You said you only glanced his phone over his shoulder some weeks ago, is there a chance you are looking at the wrong woman?

I am 100% certain because I saw the name and the profile pic and I looked her up. It’s def her. I also found her on other platforms and she’s a real person. They seemingly have no ties to each other but I get messages from strangers into my message requests so it could be that he has found her online and contacted her or vice versa. Or they could’ve met on some other social media that I’m not on and then went to messenger to chat. Who knows but I’m certain I have the right woman.

Yes exactly, as I said - it’s still wrong irrespective of his “reasons” . Reasons are definitely not excuses.

And anyway, he’s not emasculated because he’s actually very into himself and thinks he’s quite a special character.

He generally sounds awful tbh

I assume he sleeps on the couch so he can stay up late and get off to/with other women

And yeah that’s what I’m thinking regarding the couch, I was wondering what excuse he gives for it though as I presume he says something to explain his absence from the bed?

@TipsyJoker

What I can’t understand is why? Why would he do this to our family? To me? We just had a baby.

There are men who cheat while going through IVF for a baby.

You looking at her LinkedIn profile was the giveaway. He knows you were onto him. She will have told him. I know someone who was exposed this way via LinkedIn. She was the OW and she alerted the MM when his wife looked her up. All hell broke loose after that.

I'm sorry, but everything you've said gives the indication he's playing away. I have a fair bit of experience in this arena, from a professional standpoint. I know the OWs perspective and the MMs perspective and how many affairs are conducted.

With every post you were updating, I could see the writing on the wall.

He knows his behaviour was suspicious and so he's reverted back to what he was before. While I might say it's more likely an online/non physical affair, the fact that he's no longer interested in sex with you is very telling.

If I was you:

I'd stop initiating sex and see if he does. I'd back right off. See how his energy is towards you

I'd put a lock on my phone.

I know your baby is young and you're probably tired, but l also suggest that your life doesn't revolve entirely around family. Don't lose yourself in being wife/mum only.

You mentioned him not liking you talking to men he doesn't know - that's because he knows what he's up to.

You knew something was shady deep down. It's hard to not have evidence.

He's gone on the down low with her. This is so typical. What's happened for him and the OW with you going on LinkedIn, is known in the affair world as almost a DDay.

@TipsyJoker not sure why some posters at trying to make you doubt yourself, I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t be driving yourself fucking mad over nothing, And an emotional affair is as bad or worse worse perhaps than a physical one because all that closeness you should have as partners is being transferred to someone else. Sit tight, must be so hard to even look at him! So ungrateful as you are very likely doing the lions share of the work with the kids as well as looking after him, makes it more disgusting you are his carer right now and this is his behavior.

Why on earth did your post about you being his carer suddenly illicit responses around the poor sausage feeling emancipated and living in a fantasy world?

@TipsyJoker is right whatever his pathetic reasoning, what underpins this it is pure selfishness and entitlement at a level which makes him an unsafe partner for her.

@TipsyJoker i can’t imagine how hard this has been for you. You have tried so hard to take the morally high ground, really trying hard not to snoop (I would have), then when it’s all to much you do the messages are deleted. He is seeking validation from other women and prioritising his desires for ego kibbles over the wellbeing of you his wife and the safety and security of his family. I’m just not sure what you can do now other than keep searching or confront him saying you want complete access to his phone and will be trying to recover deleted messages. It’s a horrendous situation to be in!

What's the official reason he sleeps on the sofa and how long has be been doing that?

Sounds like it's time to invite him back into the marital bed. How he reacts to that will be telling.

He's gone on the down low with her. This is so typical. What's happened for him and the OW with you going on LinkedIn, is known in the affair world as almost a DDay.

can you tell Collin this to me in a bit more detail please? Also, can you explain more about his perspective and hers too, please. I want to try and understand this.

thank you for your input.

He says he falls asleep by accident and doesn’t mean to sleep on the couch. I have addressed this with him many time, how I don’t like it and that it puts separation between us. I’ve told him I also want more intimacy and I’m not satisfied with that side of our relationship because I don’t feel close to him. All said in a careful and respectful way.

I know it's too late in this case, but you can turn off the function where LinkedIn tells a person you've viewed their profile.
In Settings, Profile view, make that Private.
(Sorry if this has already been posted. I've read OP's messages, not all messages.)

can you tell Collin this to me in a bit more detail please? Also, can you explain more about his perspective and hers too, please. I want to try and understand this.

sorry for the typo. I can’t edit it

When I get proof, which I will, I will be telling her husband. 100% He has a right to know that he’s being cheated on by his lying wife. It’s up to him to decide what he wants to do about it. If I was in his shoes, I would absolutely want to know. Who knows, she could have multiple guys on the go and be physically cheating as well, putting him at risk for all sorts of potentially life threatening diseases.

Jesus, OP. You refuse to even talk to your husband because you need "proof" but at the same time you are absolutely convinced of this affair and now you're deciding the OW is spreading stds and using her husband for his money... yet as far as I can tell you still have no idea what's going on other than there were some messages that might have been deleted.

I feel like maybe you need to talk to a mental health professional before making decisions about your marriage - or anyone else's.

She knows he will lie. There is no point 'talking to her dh' because he will lie. That is what cheats do. He is hardly likely to say oh yes that's a woman I've been sexting for 2 years drats you got me' is he??

To suggest the op needs to see a mental health professional is unkind and callous. Read the room fgs. Are you an ow perchance?

You don't need proof. It's pretty clear that he's up to no good. He's checked out of the marriage. You can no longer trust him. Your marriage is dead.

I wouldn't tell her husband, she may have turned to another man for comfort if her husband doesn't treat her well or is abusive. I'm not making excuses for her, but you could put her in serious danger if her husband is an abuser. Her marriage is none of your business.

Focus on yours, and getting rid of your deceitful husband. Use your energy wisely. You have a new baby, you will be tired, put whatever spare energy you have into planning your separation.

Thats exactly what I was thinking. She is being callous. There absolutely nothing wrong with my mental health. How dare you accuse me of being mentally unstable. Also, where did I mention she was using him for his money? Nowhere. You’re creating things I haven’t even said. Quite clearly said that if I FOUND proof, I would tell her husband. I’m not about to contact the guy without absolute certainty of what’s going on am I? If he had found out and had proof I would absolutely want him to contact me and tell me. She could be messing about and picking up std’s. That’s a possibility. And that would be dangerous for her husbands health. And even if she’s not, he still deserves to know his wife is cheating on him. I hope this never happens to you because the way you are speaking screams cluelessness to be honest. You’ve no idea what I’m going through right now. Kindly stop communicating with me.

Yes I do need proof. I have children to think about. I can’t end my marriage until I have proof. Maybe you wouldn’t need it but I would. Until very recently my marriage was going great.

I'm not an OW, no. I'm also not being callous. The situation as you describe it is confusing.

You say you can't talk to your H because he'll lie? Okay then, so he's a cheat and a liar. What the hell else do you need to know? You say you can't break up a marriage without proof, but then in the next comment, you're saying your marriage is wrecked, he's cheated, and he'll lie about it. It's confusing.

As soon as someone says you need proof, you say you know he's a cheat and a liar. Then when someone says, well then, you know he's a cheat and a liar, you say you need proof. It just goes round and round. Talking to a professional might be a good way to break the cycle. You do sound like your MH is suffering.

It is callous and unkind to suggest someone has mental health problems and should seek help.

She needs proof because he could have just struck up an inappropriate online friendship that while concerning and inappropriate would not be something to end a marriage over. If there is more then that would be something to end a marriage over. I'm surprised you need this pointing out.

You don't need proof of anything to end the marriage.

It seems the damage has already been done.

As the days go by, the more 'obsessed' you'll become driving a bigger wedge between you.

The marriage isn't working.

For the sake OF the children you need to end it.

My mental health is fine. Please stop calling my mental health into question. You have no right to do that.

let me explain this to you so maybe it’s clearer for you and less confusing. I know my husband better than anyone else. I noticed that his behaviours had changed. I noticed the change in his sex drive. I knew something was up but I had no hard proof. I tried talking to him and he claimed it was just because he wasn’t feeling well. However, I knew he was hiding something because of his cagey phone behaviour. Then I saw he was messaging a woman he’s never mentioned before. Due to my previous instincts that he was up to something he shouldn’t be and the change in his behaviour, I believed something was going on with this woman. Rather than snoop I tried to respect his privacy but his cagey behaviour and phone use continued. Therefore, I decided after this post that the only way to find out the extent of this relationship with this woman was to look at those messages. However, he’d deleted them because she’s obviously alerted him to the fact that I looked her up on LinkedIn.

now, given that she obviously knows who I am, she’s told him. They have conspired and tried to hide the relationship by deleting the messages. If their relationship was completely innocent, there would be no need to do this. So on that level, I am pretty certain that something at least inappropriate has been going on but I suspect it’s been more than inappropriate due to his decreased sex drive. I suspect he’s been getting off with her online instead of being intimate with me. Before this we had a very active sex life.

So, whilst I do not have concrete proof, I am pretty certain, due to the aforementioned reasons that something has been going on between them. However, I cannot end my marriage and ruin my children’s lives without proof. That would not be an option for me. I need proof. I do not have it, yet. And yes, that does put me back to square one but maybe now you can understand why? This is my life here and my children’s lives.

if I talk to him he will deny it. He has already been lying to me by having this relationship with this woman. He will lie about the extent of it. That seems fairly obvious. Therefore, what would be the point of telling him what I know? All that would achieve is giving him more of an idea of what I do or do not know. It would weaken my current position further. Right now, he is probably sweating, wondering what I know and what I’m going to do. Maybe that will make him have a rethink about his actions and what he’s done wrong. He knows it’s wrong or he wouldn’t have hidden it in the first place.

I hope this makes things clearer for you.

Okay, OP. So what you're saying is, you know your marriage is over, but you don't want him to know what you know, so you're waiting it out until he either admits it or you have undeniable proof, so that you can end the marriage but still have it be clear that it's entirely his fault. Presumably you are using this time to get your financial affairs in order so that if he leaves you before you find the proof you want, then you won't be on the back foot. Or perhaps you're confident he won't be the one to end it, since he doesn't want to look bad either.

It sounds like an absolutely horrendous way to live in the meantime, and I imagine it's a horrible environment for your children, being stuck in this silent battle between their parents. I hope that you get everything resolved soon.