Who Is She????!!!!!

[TipsyJoker]

Hey lovelies,

I just wanted to ask some advice. I saw on my husbands messenger that he’s been messaging some woman I’ve never seen or heard of before. I didn’t read the messages so I don’t know the content of them. I just saw her in his messages. I checked Facebook and it seems like they’re not friends. So I did a little bit of digging. They have no seeming connection to each other. No friends in common. They don’t work together or even in the same field. She lives about 400 miles away. He’s never mentioned her to me. They don’t have any obvious common likes on fb. She’s also married with 2 kids.

I was a bit suspicious because he is ALWAYS on his phone. He takes it everywhere with him, even into the bathroom. So I peeked over when he was on messenger and saw her in his messages. I haven’t snooped but it’s been eating away at me ever since and it’s been months. I know he’s not physically cheated. However, my gut has been screaming at me for months. Prior to this I had no reason to doubt him.

There’s no public trace of them communicating on Facebook. It just seems weird to me. It also seems he has set his profile so I can’t see when he posts in groups he’s in, etc. He has also set it so when he gets a message to his phone it just says message and doesn’t display a name.

I don’t want to outright ask him in case it’s nothing or in case it is something and it just makes him more sneaky and cover his tracks even more so.

Would it be wrong to check this one conversation with this women? I know it’s an invasion of privacy but I really can’t see any other way that I will find out the truth one way or the other. I think if I asked him and there was anything going on he’d just deny it because why wouldn’t he?

Any advice on what to do here? It’s affecting me and making me feel subconscious and angry. We haven’t been as intimate for a while, (not my choice) but I just put that down to life with a young baby and being tired a lot.
Thanks for reading.

The erasing the tags of you from photos is a massive red flag, I imagine he is online dating and this woman is someone he has met on there. Classic behaviour, first thing most do when meeting someone on plenty of fish or whatever is look them up on social media so its important to appear single. I'm so sorry OP, you need to get to those messages ASAP so you know what you are dealing with. There is no innocent reason why a man erases links to his wife from his profile, there just isn't. Men can be shits :(

If you’d like confirmation, pm me your name and I’ll tell you if it is you or not. If it is, I won’t give you any problems and in fact, it would set my mind at ease and I could happily move on with my life.

It's not as the info doesn't add up. His kids are grown up, he lives less than 400 miles away and we email, don't message. X

Just read it. You need to know. Hopefully you'll feel silly for doubting him and everything can carry on. Until you know for sure who she is you will never settle. Could it be someone he's bought from or is interested in buying something off?
The only people in my messages that arnt my friends are people who I bought from or sold to.

I have not read the whole post but I would suggest you get up in the middle of the night & check his messages.

I think this here is enough to show something dodgy is going on to me. I don't know how but either you need to try and access his phone or confront him about it or try and see over his shoulder again. Or just casually say "oh who's that you are chatting to or something like that" and see his reaction Do you have a joint bank account, if so is there any unusual spending or anything?

Can you pretend you need him to go and get something at the shop for you that you need urgently if you can come up with something? Would he take both phone and tablet out with him if he went out? If not you could maybe get a look at the tablet.

Can't believe this thread is still going with no resolution 🫣

The fact you're scared to ask speaks volumes - if it's innocent there's no need to fear anything.

Just ask why he's taking his phone everywhere now to get the conversation started.

That's not quite true. She has still got do decide where she says she got the name from. And if she's naturally truthful, as some of us are, she may have difficulty not admitting how.

For everyone looking for an update/resolution, I haven’t had a chance to check anything. There’s been no opportunity to get a look at the tablet because he’s been at home the whole time. I’m not going to rush this to appease other people. This is my life here and I want to pick my moment carefully. I will do that when I feel the time is right. Thank you to everyone who’s commented and given their opinions/advice. I do appreciate it.

@TipsyJoker don’t rush because people want an update. It’s your life. You don’t need external pressure. I know it’s a horrible time right now, you must feel sick to your stomach. Look after yourself as best you can. Try and keep yourself physically strong and also be kind to yourself.

Thank you

You don't owe anyone anything, the people complaining have no empathy. Ignore them. You might have to make a life changing decision soon and they are rushing you for a bit of gossip, it's ridiculous. I hope you have a good support system around you in family and friends.

Well, I had a look to see if I could find the messages and they’re gone. No trace of her in his DM now. Strangely enough, he has been a lot less protective of his electronics over the last few days too. I guess I’ll never know now. What should I do? It seems the messages have been deleted. I’m so upset.

It took me two weeks of constant snooping to find evidence of my dh infidelity. Even the ones we think aren't great with technology, still know how to delete messages.

How can I find deleted messages though? I checked online and it said that once they’re deleted you can’t retrieve them.

Did you check the archive and restricted messages?

If I were in your position (which I have been) I would confront him about it, the messages have already been deleted so it's not like he can lie and then hide the evidence. Sometimes how they react and tell you all you need to know x

No I didn’t. I will look into how to do that. That’s exactly the kind of thing he would do because he’s sneaky like that.

@TipsyJoker he might have become suspicious of you and started to become better at hiding things so I would not give up tbh. Are you sure he doesn’t have access to your phone / may have seen your posts? Put a lock on your phone and hide this app while you continue to doubt him? Or it may be he can sense you are suspicious and had acted on that.
One thing you should do when he is on his phone is actually “create” an emergency that makes him put down his device and leave it unattended - then you check. I know it sounds as sneaky af but sometimes you have to fight fire with fire. I’m sorry that you’ve built yourself up to check which must have taken alot of courage to find the messages gone which I suppose further fuels your suspicions and worry x

I do have a lock on my phone but he prob knows it because I open it in front of him all the time. I have nothing to hide so why would I not? I don’t have this on an app, only the site. I always close it once I’m not on it. He may have become suspicious. Or maybe they have stopped now and he’s deleted the messages. It’s so disheartening because it was hard to look and now I feel sick. It just looks even more suspicious to me now because he has messages going back years which he hasn’t bothered to delete but he has deleted these ones. Why if they were innocent? He wouldn’t have would he?

Oh, @TipsyJoker what a horrible situation. I feel for you

No, he wouldn’t.

Sorry, I know you may have said already and I’ve missed it - Are they WhatsApp or messenger messages? 🤔 xx

Messenger