Who Is She????!!!!!

[TipsyJoker]

Hey lovelies,

I just wanted to ask some advice. I saw on my husbands messenger that he’s been messaging some woman I’ve never seen or heard of before. I didn’t read the messages so I don’t know the content of them. I just saw her in his messages. I checked Facebook and it seems like they’re not friends. So I did a little bit of digging. They have no seeming connection to each other. No friends in common. They don’t work together or even in the same field. She lives about 400 miles away. He’s never mentioned her to me. They don’t have any obvious common likes on fb. She’s also married with 2 kids.

I was a bit suspicious because he is ALWAYS on his phone. He takes it everywhere with him, even into the bathroom. So I peeked over when he was on messenger and saw her in his messages. I haven’t snooped but it’s been eating away at me ever since and it’s been months. I know he’s not physically cheated. However, my gut has been screaming at me for months. Prior to this I had no reason to doubt him.

There’s no public trace of them communicating on Facebook. It just seems weird to me. It also seems he has set his profile so I can’t see when he posts in groups he’s in, etc. He has also set it so when he gets a message to his phone it just says message and doesn’t display a name.

I don’t want to outright ask him in case it’s nothing or in case it is something and it just makes him more sneaky and cover his tracks even more so.

Would it be wrong to check this one conversation with this women? I know it’s an invasion of privacy but I really can’t see any other way that I will find out the truth one way or the other. I think if I asked him and there was anything going on he’d just deny it because why wouldn’t he?

Any advice on what to do here? It’s affecting me and making me feel subconscious and angry. We haven’t been as intimate for a while, (not my choice) but I just put that down to life with a young baby and being tired a lot.
Thanks for reading.

Yes read the messages. Very odd behaviour, he's up to no good I suspect.

Op I would look.

You’re not just randomly looking at his phone without reason. All that you’ve said indicates something is going on, it could be innocent but there is only one way you are going to find out.

I hope for you and your children it’s nothing.

How did you get on OP? 💐

The above and all of your posts show the extent of his agenda to sideline you.

What are you thinking now, @TipsyJoker? What is your plan?

I am just going to bide my time and when I have an opportunity to check, I will. I can’t say when that will be but I think I have to really. Then depending on what I find, I’ll make further decisions from there.

I really hope your suspicions aren't confirmed, OP, but I think you have very real reasons to be concerned and I agree it's perfectly reasonable to try to check when you can.

I checked my ex-H's phone one night (I've still no idea why) and discovered over the next few days that he'd been seeing escorts for a decade, starting when I was pregnant. I had no idea - he was a champion compartmentaliser.

Keeping my fingers crossed for you that there's an innocent explanation, and sending my support.

Check the messages, believe me they will cheat with someone 400 miles away, less chance of getting caught, my ex’s piece was in Wales and we were in Essex 🙄 men can be truly disgusting

After reading everything you've said I would 100% check.

382 messages of advice, and you get to the end, and you've made no decision. I can't believe I wastes half an hour reading this. Check his bloody messages and just get it over with. You've had a child for this person. You can check a message if you want.

What's with the pressure? It's not a series to binge watch - it's someone's life. It's the OP's decision if to even come back and share.

I needed to see my exes phone for similar reasons, but didn’t know the code and it never left his hand. I turned my phone off and walked in the room ‘ let me call my mum off your phone please my batteries just died as she was calling me’ he looked nervous but couldn’t exactly say no! Once it was near my ear I kept tapping the screen so it stayed unlocked and wandered round the house chatting- he couldn’t exactly follow me without looking guilty, I quickly opened the chat that I had been looking for and seen what I needed to see. May be worth a try if his phone is guarded with his life! X

OP this does sound like he’s up to something you do need to check his messages the fact he takes his phone and tablet with him even in the bathroom is concerning and if my husband started doing that it would immediately set alarm bells off with me I hope you get answers one way or another and I’m sorry you are going through this.

Totally this, I wouldn't snoop through my husband's phone. Even if he's not doing anything wrong there are things on his phone that would upset you, as would many partners phones. It could be some innocent flirting for attention if he's having a bit of a midlife crisis or feeling low. Though it sounds suspicious. I still think just asking is the best way to go.

Also well done to you for being so calm
and measured and thinking about what to do instead of trying to be subtle then drinking and blurting something out you regret! (Totally what I would have/and have done)!

Old friend/girlfriend. In fact I had to read carefully as I thought you were talking about me!! Been chatting via email to an ex for over a year. Just friendly messages nothing more. Good to get in contact again. I don't know whether his wife knows he has been chatting to me, that's his business, but if I were in your shoes I'd ask who she is.

From what you have stated, your marriage sounds like it's dead in the water.

In your shoes I would tell him that for many reasons, you consider the marriage is at an end and to show me his phone immediately after you know he has received or sent a message.

Ignore his reaction as either way, it sounds like it's over anyway but worse, he's taking the piss.

Indeed! And the classic narc accusations coming out 🙄

What is discord please?

It’s an online chat thing usually used by gamers but anyone can use it for anything. You can have servers etc. on it.

Thank you!

@TipsyJoker, thank you for updating.

I hope you soon get the opportunity to investigate. You are giving an abundance to him and your baby, yet he has been shutting you out. You have the right to garner as much information as possible to bring yourself out of the dark.

This happened to me unfortunately. Saw a name i didn't recognise in his messages over his shoulder. Became very secretive with phone. Lied about where he had been. Receipts for 2 meals in pocket. I also had a 3 month old baby. Kept lying and giving excuses and I stayed but deep down I knew. Old school flame. Finally begged him to just tell me the truth and he did. Anyway I'm happily married now to someone else with another 2 babies! Can you message this woman on FB and ask her outright what context she knows your husband in? If they are having an emotional online affair she / he may be considering relocating to be with each other so don't let the distance alleviate your worries. Or it is a paid for online sex worker which he obviously wants to keep secret. Can you see his bank statements? Is the messenger account definitely linked to the FB account you a privvy to - could he have another secret FB account that that messenger app is linked to where they are friends?

I am speaking from experience here. Your husband is doing something he shouldn’t be. If there is nothing in these messages, you’d have heard her name mentioned and he wouldn’t be so protective of his phone. He has something on there he doesn’t want you to see. Stop stewing on it and call him out. Ask who she is and if you’re not satisfied with his answers ask him to show you the messages. I guarantee he won’t. He’ll gaslight you and make you think you’re losing your mind to distract from the issue at hand. Couples don’t and shouldn’t have secrets. If she’s an innocent friend, why hasn’t he spoken about her? I’m sorry this isn’t what you want to hear but I’m speaking from a place of vast experience with a serial cheater.

The behaviour on social media is worrying.