Who Is She????!!!!!

[TipsyJoker]

Hey lovelies,

I just wanted to ask some advice. I saw on my husbands messenger that he’s been messaging some woman I’ve never seen or heard of before. I didn’t read the messages so I don’t know the content of them. I just saw her in his messages. I checked Facebook and it seems like they’re not friends. So I did a little bit of digging. They have no seeming connection to each other. No friends in common. They don’t work together or even in the same field. She lives about 400 miles away. He’s never mentioned her to me. They don’t have any obvious common likes on fb. She’s also married with 2 kids.

I was a bit suspicious because he is ALWAYS on his phone. He takes it everywhere with him, even into the bathroom. So I peeked over when he was on messenger and saw her in his messages. I haven’t snooped but it’s been eating away at me ever since and it’s been months. I know he’s not physically cheated. However, my gut has been screaming at me for months. Prior to this I had no reason to doubt him.

There’s no public trace of them communicating on Facebook. It just seems weird to me. It also seems he has set his profile so I can’t see when he posts in groups he’s in, etc. He has also set it so when he gets a message to his phone it just says message and doesn’t display a name.

I don’t want to outright ask him in case it’s nothing or in case it is something and it just makes him more sneaky and cover his tracks even more so.

Would it be wrong to check this one conversation with this women? I know it’s an invasion of privacy but I really can’t see any other way that I will find out the truth one way or the other. I think if I asked him and there was anything going on he’d just deny it because why wouldn’t he?

Any advice on what to do here? It’s affecting me and making me feel subconscious and angry. We haven’t been as intimate for a while, (not my choice) but I just put that down to life with a young baby and being tired a lot.
Thanks for reading.

did you search her name in his messenger sometimes they dont always show up in the list for me so I have to search by name xx

Could he now be using a secret phone?

There is an archive on mobile messenger now… don’t think there used to be.
Also, I’m pretty sure there’s a deleted messages folder on messenger for desktop but it’s time limited - 30 days or something?
Either way he’s hiding something, you’ve lost trust and that’s eating away at you. No amount of messages whether you see them or not can change that. Might be more productive to pull the plaster off and just have it out with him. Even if when he denies it all his manner will tell you all you need to know 💐

Does he have access to your tablet or pc op? Obviously delete any browsing history. He may well have had a look and come across this thread you never know.

Sorry you're going through this it must be so stressful.

The OW may have given him a heads up as LinkedIn notifies the person that someone has looked at their profile.
its likely he knows you are on to him so will be much more careful now which will make it harder. I think at this stage you are running out of options other than ask him about it. It doesn’t seem practical to contact the OW but that is another option.

Check Archive on messenger here’s how

1. Open Messenger and tap the three-line menu at the top.
2. Tap Archive.
3. If the chat was archived, you'll see it here. Tap it to open the conversation and find your "deleted" messages.

no guarantee he has archived it but he may of so that it’s not in his normal messages if he has deleted them then that’s more complicated to retrieve them I’m sorry your going through this OP

The other thing you can check is the device's internal storage - any pictures, videos or documents automatically go into your files. Go to My Files, internal storage, pictures, messenger. Id also check downloads and documents. You may also find a discord album and Snapchat etc if he has those. P.s I only know this because I have to continually delete all my junk data as my phone doesn't have enough storage on it but most people don't realise that just because you press delete means it doesn't hide on your phone still!

I didn’t know this about LinkedIn. This could very well be it because his behaviour has changed since I looked her up the other day. He’s less protective of his phone and has been very nice towards me.

Yeah you've been rumbled, by default LinkedIn tells users who has visited their profile.

It is really disconcerting when they're extra nice to you because you wonder if their niceness is real or because they suspect that you suspect. Then you wonder if their niceness has been pretence all along, not just now, but for always. What a very difficult situation you are in.

If this is as a result of you searching for her on LinkedIn then I wonder if she knows about you, despite his efforts to keep you hidden from his social media. It would no occur to me to search for people who have looked at my LinkedIn profile, unless their name sparked something.

Regardless of any evidence, you’ve enough to go to him and say you’re aware he’s been messaging someone and now he’s deleted them with no obvious reason. He can try to gaslight you all he wants but you know what you saw so stand firm and tell him he’s got a chance to be honest with you if he wants any hope of staying in the relationship.
You know this woman’s name, therefore you can easily contact her, and possibly find her DP/DH and blow the whole thing up.

In terms of the deleted messages, yes you can possibly retrieve them, but if you can’t don’t be too disappointed because sometimes it’s better to not see the intricate details

I want to see the intricate details no matter how horrible.

Wouldn’t it also tell me if she’d visited mine to check it out? I don’t see any evidence of that.

If she’s already aware of you she needn’t bother looking at your profile

Imagine knowing someone was married and you’re married and you don’t even care about the damage you’re doing to both families with children involved. If she knows, she’s every bit as bad as him. Absolutely vile. Why do they do it? My marriage seemed to be really great. I’ve been nothing but a good wife and mother. This started when I was pregnant, I’m sure of it. That’s when the secrecy and usage increased. Imagine knowing someone’s wife was pregnant and doing this anyway. I’m disgusted and so fkn angry.

No it depends on your privacy settings.
Mine is now set to private /anonymous.

I think the most people get told about me is “a profile who works for X company has checked out your profile”. That’s all the info I get too when someone has viewed my profile.

Check out your privacy settings.

It’s disgusting on both sides there are so many selfish people unfortunately, but honestly don’t focus on the OW - focus on him and how you’re going to respond next to him.

He’s the one who made vows to you and lies next to you in bed every night and has watched you carry and give birth to his child. He’s the real villain of your story!

This is the problem with snooping. You rarely get the clear cut answers you want, and the person being snooped on has time to come up with a cover story.

Better to just talk to your partner. You've been with him years; you'll know when he's lying. Just ask him what he's up to.

Oh I know that. They’re both vile. They’ve both betrayed the people they made vows with. I just personally couldn’t do that to another woman. Especially when I knew there were children involved. I will find out one way or another. Either way, the trust is gone now. The damage is done.

He will just lie. He’s deleted the messages. He can’t be trusted. If I’d seen them then maybe I would’ve been able to work through it because I’d have known the true extent of it l, no matter how bad and we could’ve worked on it. But now, if I never know that, I will never put it behind me, I will never trust him and our marriage is wrecked irreparably.

I think at this stage I would call his bluff, OP. Sit him down and say you saw the messages before he deleted them and ask him to explain himself immediately. His reaction will tell you what you need to know. Bluff through it and see what he says.
Don't mention her by name yet in case there are others/she's a red herring.

No it won’t. He will at best minimise it and say, “oh it was just flirting” when it was prob much more. What I need to know is the full extent of it and all the details because bkg then will I be able to know what he’s capable of and who im dealing with going forward.

If you can get hold of his phone for a while you can setup messenger on a second phone so you can look whenever you like. Here is how.
https://tech.joellemena.com/messenger/how-to-log-into-messenger-on-two-devices-simultaneously/

But really you need to confront him and talk it through as this will eat away at you for ever and will probably come to the surface next time you have an argument.

I'm sorry OP this is clearly tearing you apart. The problem is that you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. He will not tell you the truth and you now cannot find the truth from his phone. The only thing you could do is lay low for a bit and hope he becomes careless. But it is a miserable way to live. You seem to be of the mindset that the relationship is over, understandably since you can't trust him. What really is there to gain from knowing the full extent of it? I think it's a fool's errand anyway. Even if you found something incriminating he will just minimise it. Even if you find evidence that they've met up, he will tell you nothing happened. You can't get peace of mind this way.