Who Is She????!!!!!

[TipsyJoker]

Hey lovelies,

I just wanted to ask some advice. I saw on my husbands messenger that he’s been messaging some woman I’ve never seen or heard of before. I didn’t read the messages so I don’t know the content of them. I just saw her in his messages. I checked Facebook and it seems like they’re not friends. So I did a little bit of digging. They have no seeming connection to each other. No friends in common. They don’t work together or even in the same field. She lives about 400 miles away. He’s never mentioned her to me. They don’t have any obvious common likes on fb. She’s also married with 2 kids.

I was a bit suspicious because he is ALWAYS on his phone. He takes it everywhere with him, even into the bathroom. So I peeked over when he was on messenger and saw her in his messages. I haven’t snooped but it’s been eating away at me ever since and it’s been months. I know he’s not physically cheated. However, my gut has been screaming at me for months. Prior to this I had no reason to doubt him.

There’s no public trace of them communicating on Facebook. It just seems weird to me. It also seems he has set his profile so I can’t see when he posts in groups he’s in, etc. He has also set it so when he gets a message to his phone it just says message and doesn’t display a name.

I don’t want to outright ask him in case it’s nothing or in case it is something and it just makes him more sneaky and cover his tracks even more so.

Would it be wrong to check this one conversation with this women? I know it’s an invasion of privacy but I really can’t see any other way that I will find out the truth one way or the other. I think if I asked him and there was anything going on he’d just deny it because why wouldn’t he?

Any advice on what to do here? It’s affecting me and making me feel subconscious and angry. We haven’t been as intimate for a while, (not my choice) but I just put that down to life with a young baby and being tired a lot.
Thanks for reading.

OP please get on the iPad and check for the love of god. The suspense is going to eat you up.

I knew when he lost 10 lbs started shaving everyday and his phone was suddenly as precious as the Crown Jewels.

In all seriousness… have we been married to the same person?! 😂 I could have written most things you have. The spending thing also really got to me, more than I realised I think. Almost like anyone else wasn’t worth spending money on, or it wasn’t worth investing in our family experiences.

Hang on my ex was a x2 bigamist? We must have all been married to the same man lol.

Mine got a sports car and I had a family car but I was always blamed for spending too much money on food and kids shoes etc. please note he’s an ex.

A 2 seater Porsche btw, we have 3 kids lol .he needed his “fun” driving time apparently while I just got school runs.

I’m sorry you’re going through this op. Everything added together, it does look like something is going on. Could he have met her through FB dating after changing his location, or when one was visiting the location of the other maybe?

Kind of … I wasn’t suspicious of anything at all but he was on my phone at the time talking to a mutual friend and we were joking around so I went on his WhatsApp to message this mutual friend too .. we were right next to each other and I had his phone in my hand and I actually said what I was doing , then I went on to his WhatsApp and I saw that he had an unread message archived so it was kind of a split second curiosity thing that I clicked on it . I saw the message and then I didn’t say anything - there were no other messages on there and I couldn’t see that any had been deleted so it must have been that the entire thread had been deleted . It was also from a 6 months before . I waited until he was asleep and then looked again and found messages that he had never replied to and it was clear from the messages that he had ghosted this person . I then got the woman’s number and I messaged her and she just kept saying to talk to him and she was sorry she didn’t know he was married but previous messages said things along the lines of “ I know you are going through a lot in your marriage but please talk to me “ then lots of messages from her asking him to call her and saying she was ‘heartbroken’ he had ignored her and used her .

Thing is I have always known his phone passcode . But I did notice he was taking his phone everywhere during this time and it was also set to not show the full message . Before it hadn’t been and now it isn’t- ever since that time he’s left his phone near me , asked me to read messages when it’s not been near him etc and he had always done that before too .

Any mentionitis?

Omitting you on his socials is very worrying.

I think I’d take the bull by the horns, don’t go snooping or making accusations, and say ‘does XY know you are married with children?’ and I’d expect him to bluster and bluff. That or ‘I want you to stop messaging XY.’

I agree I reckon it’s about 50% too. When I first when in them about 3 years ago I was a bit naive about the characters on them. Haven’t been on them for over a year now but I’m more and more convinced from experience/what I read that at least 50% are either married or already in relationships

@Newbeginning12 Definitely, I was naive too but thankfully didn’t meet up with most of them anyway as they usually put me off in some way or other so I’d unmatch or block. Some of the telltale signs I’ve noticed are men using fake names on their profile - there can be good reasons for this but often they don’t have one. And men who try and rush you off the dating app within a day of chatting so they can speak on WhatsApp.

OP, speaking of OLD I agree with a pp that there’s a possibility your husband is using dating apps. That would explain how he knows this woman who lives nowhere near you and also why he is trying to erase you from his social media. There are so many married men on there it’s ridiculous. Hopefully he isn’t one of them.

@LanaL “ I know you are going through a lot in your marriage but please talk to me “

Honestly!! That phrase from OW pisses me right off.

I am in the very recent, feeling furious phase of this, but all this ‘oh you are having such a hard time in your marriage poor you’ what about the wife?! Do OW or H think she’s happy? What is H doing to try, or if he can’t try, just walk away and do the decent thing!!

It’s the lies, the deceit, the stringing along and betrayal. Never mind some of the OW know the men they are pursuing are married. I couldn’t do this myself, be the OW in this situation.

It just makes me angry and sad that so many of us end up in this situation.

I'm just apologising for my poetry. I'm back to normal now and definitely feel OLD is involved or a old flame from school days who is bored in her marriage but lives a safe distance away for flirting.

I've been there myself with an ex and I know that gut feeling and how painful it is.

It will eat away at you so you may as well look.

He's at it in one way or another.

Confront him.

Now it's a Haiku 😂

Have you google-spied on her to see what you can find out from that end?

I haven't used them before so idk but could you set up OLD profile under a pseudonym to see if he's on the main ones and set your profile so people can't see your location? I guess if he did he would also be under a pseudonym though

Could the connection be a Facebook group perhaps? I'm in a group where I've seen posts from members announcing they're now dating having met in the group. He might have started interacting with her in a group then moved it over to messenger but they never added each other as friends.
Annoyingly I don't think other people are able to see which groups you're a member of on Facebook so there's no easy way to check.
If I was in your position I would bide my time and wait for an opportunity to get into his phone & look at the messages. If you ask him outright you'll never know if his response is truthful, with all the other red flags I doubt it would be.
Worst case scenario it sounds like an emotional affair, I'm so sorry OP, sincerely hope we're all wrong 💐

Hi OP, I haven’t read the whole thread but I get the gist. Sounds like you are tearing your hair out and it’s not going to get better until you know either way. I would read the messages if you can.
I was in a similar situation 18 months ago and it turned out my H had been having an affair for 6 months. I had no idea. She lives in another country so the distance is irrelevant. Together for 28 years, I was devastated but I needed to know. From his reaction, I know he would have lied if I’d have just asked him outright. I’m sorry.

Strictly speaking yes she could set up a profile and possibly find him. She may or may not be able to find him on the dating app even if he’s there. Depends what the algorithm brings you.

If you are looking for someone though it would usually help if you did set your location to whatever their is likely to be, so the app would show her people in her immediate vicinity.

But it’s a bit of a slippery slope.

I think she’d be much better off gaining access to his phone somehow and reading that specific message thread with this mystery woman plus a quick check for any installed dating apps .

That’s awful 😣 hoping he’s your ex husband now? @OnACloud

A lot of the groups are private and do not show members and he may have his profile private where he does not show likes or groups. If you search his name on facebook and scroll down it may show if he has been tagged in a group. Most groups tag and welcome newcomers.

I would read them

Op get that phone!!

if you checked her out on Linked-In then it is possible that she will know that you have done so, and your DH may already be working on damage limitation (deleting messages, etc).

You need to address this now, if you can bear to do so.

So @TipsyJoker -hve you looked ?