Who Is She????!!!!!

[TipsyJoker]

Hey lovelies,

I just wanted to ask some advice. I saw on my husbands messenger that he’s been messaging some woman I’ve never seen or heard of before. I didn’t read the messages so I don’t know the content of them. I just saw her in his messages. I checked Facebook and it seems like they’re not friends. So I did a little bit of digging. They have no seeming connection to each other. No friends in common. They don’t work together or even in the same field. She lives about 400 miles away. He’s never mentioned her to me. They don’t have any obvious common likes on fb. She’s also married with 2 kids.

I was a bit suspicious because he is ALWAYS on his phone. He takes it everywhere with him, even into the bathroom. So I peeked over when he was on messenger and saw her in his messages. I haven’t snooped but it’s been eating away at me ever since and it’s been months. I know he’s not physically cheated. However, my gut has been screaming at me for months. Prior to this I had no reason to doubt him.

There’s no public trace of them communicating on Facebook. It just seems weird to me. It also seems he has set his profile so I can’t see when he posts in groups he’s in, etc. He has also set it so when he gets a message to his phone it just says message and doesn’t display a name.

I don’t want to outright ask him in case it’s nothing or in case it is something and it just makes him more sneaky and cover his tracks even more so.

Would it be wrong to check this one conversation with this women? I know it’s an invasion of privacy but I really can’t see any other way that I will find out the truth one way or the other. I think if I asked him and there was anything going on he’d just deny it because why wouldn’t he?

Any advice on what to do here? It’s affecting me and making me feel subconscious and angry. We haven’t been as intimate for a while, (not my choice) but I just put that down to life with a young baby and being tired a lot.
Thanks for reading.

I’m so sorry but you already know he’s mentally moved on. Do yourself and your child a favour and get rid.

I was thinking there was an innocent reason for all this until I read this post. He's wiped you from his social, won't initiate intimacy/sex, won't spend time with you as always on phone- hes absolutely checked out. You need to get on his tablet and see what you can find and his phone. Or just straight up tell him you know something is going on

I think she should tell him straight up that she knows and if she doesn't get a satisfactory response, kick him out.

You know her name don't you? Just say to him "Who is xx and what does she mean to you?" Look at his face and guage his reaction even if he doesn't say anything, then you'll have a better understanding of what you actually mean to him. More importantly is what he then means to you so you can make the best decision for you and your DC.

He will stall oh she's an old friend etc. He will gauge her reaction to see if she has seen anything incriminating.
She needs evidence first, then ask him what is going on and for how long.

Why in earth would
He remove tags of you

That's the deciding factor to me
Reading as a bystander

He is either in OLD or messaging a very very old
Flame Contact from his past.

Pretend to charge your phone but don't push the charger in all the way.

In front of him, uplug the phone and look at it, then announce to him "Oh no! My phone's dead! The charger wasn't plugged in properly!" Then ask to borrow his phone "for a sec" because you urgently need to message another mum about a playdate or whatever.

Oh OP, I think you're right to be suspicious. I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this, you must be going out of your mind.

When will you use his iPad to check?

@TipsyJoker you say, 'it's like I don't exist', with regard to his social media behaviour. This suggests to me that he has compartmentalised very well. It is probably the case that you only exist (to him) when you are with him. This is a scary thought but this is also precisely how narcissists operate. Could he have NPD and you have just never realised? It's very difficult to identify a narcissist when you are in a relationship with one.

Something's up, he sleeps with his phone, he is constantly on his phone, he is disinterested in you & doesn't want sex...
I would have to either snoop, or ask him, "So who is this " XYZ"? because you & your phone are glued together , you are disinterested in me & our sex life is rubbish. So spit it out, what's the deal ? Because if you don't you are history."

What is OLD?

I suppose it’s possible but how would I know?

Are you a poet or something? 😂

Still, your point stands.

Online dating.

Have a look at

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662

See if he fits the description.

Although I think professionals would say many/all people have narc traits and are somewhere on a spectrum so it doesn't necessarily mean someone is a narc if they display some of the traits.

I’m not sure. He def doesn’t like criticism and he often takes things the wrong way and perceives them as criticism when they’re not. He also likes the finer things in life. He spends way more money on himself than anyone else in the family.

I'm sorry OP for the further updates . I know you are probably wanting to bury your head in the sand and pretend none of this is happening . I think you will only be able to sustain this for a limited period of time .

Unless you can truly turn a blind eye to potentially cheating/ an affair I think you need to prepare yourself to take some action .

I don't think it can be healthy for your mental health to be in a constant state of not knowing where you stand and what is happening.

I know it is very difficult to confirm what is probably going to be a devastating situation for you and your kids .

You are already in the situation , it is not you that is creating it .

There are loads of red flags here and changes in your husband's behaviour . Your gut / instinct is telling you there is something wrong .

The only way that you can find out what the situation is; is by taking his phone when he is asleep or confronting him directly if you can't access his phone . He is guarding it for a reason .

I wish you and your family the best of luck and ai hope that you have family & friends able to give you support .

@PossumintheHouse

Sorry I'm on holiday and I couldn't get into my apartment as the maid were there and dh took me to a bar so now I'm hammered 😳

His having an affair… what other reason wouldn’t he mention her to you
his a loser, tell him to get lost,.. you see where he goes !

I'm sure that will be very helpful to OP to know that.

Hahahaha!!! Fucking hell, brilliant. I'll fix that for you...

Sorry
I'm on Holiday

And I couldn't get into my apartment as
The maid were there

And DH took me to a bar
So now I'm hammered

You enjoy yourself 😂

Lighten up. I'm sure OP wouldn't mind a smile or two.

Just seems a bit disrespectful when OP is going through such angst to derail the thread.