Who Is She????!!!!!

[TipsyJoker]

Hey lovelies,

I just wanted to ask some advice. I saw on my husbands messenger that he’s been messaging some woman I’ve never seen or heard of before. I didn’t read the messages so I don’t know the content of them. I just saw her in his messages. I checked Facebook and it seems like they’re not friends. So I did a little bit of digging. They have no seeming connection to each other. No friends in common. They don’t work together or even in the same field. She lives about 400 miles away. He’s never mentioned her to me. They don’t have any obvious common likes on fb. She’s also married with 2 kids.

I was a bit suspicious because he is ALWAYS on his phone. He takes it everywhere with him, even into the bathroom. So I peeked over when he was on messenger and saw her in his messages. I haven’t snooped but it’s been eating away at me ever since and it’s been months. I know he’s not physically cheated. However, my gut has been screaming at me for months. Prior to this I had no reason to doubt him.

There’s no public trace of them communicating on Facebook. It just seems weird to me. It also seems he has set his profile so I can’t see when he posts in groups he’s in, etc. He has also set it so when he gets a message to his phone it just says message and doesn’t display a name.

I don’t want to outright ask him in case it’s nothing or in case it is something and it just makes him more sneaky and cover his tracks even more so.

Would it be wrong to check this one conversation with this women? I know it’s an invasion of privacy but I really can’t see any other way that I will find out the truth one way or the other. I think if I asked him and there was anything going on he’d just deny it because why wouldn’t he?

Any advice on what to do here? It’s affecting me and making me feel subconscious and angry. We haven’t been as intimate for a while, (not my choice) but I just put that down to life with a young baby and being tired a lot.
Thanks for reading.

And I’ve spoken to him about this many times and he insists he is still into me but he’s just tired.

This is the decider for me on this subject. He is definitely projecting.
He has no problem calling you out but you are worried about upsetting him.
If you can access his messenger on his iPad just look at that one message and put your mind at rest - you’re driving yourself mad otherwise.
The secrecy alone would drive me mad let alone sighting the message 🥺
💐

Please don't think staying together is for the children's sake. You think you would be breaking up the family by leaving but as it stands it sounds like it's already broken. Everything has changed, he is emotionally distant and you are emotionally drained. I was not surprised when my parents told me they were getting a divorce - it does not have to be screaming and fighting, kids know when their parents are miserable.

I'm sorry for all those who went through the pain of being cheated on. I get that you need to know either way and it would eat away at you forever if you couldn't find out. However, I believe the posts advocating for talking to him are valid too, because if by some miracle it was a big misunderstanding and he has remained faithful, there are lots of other problems that still need addressing. @TipsyJoker if he's not cheating and you want to keep the family together, could you see yourself living like this for another 18 years? If he likely is cheating but you don't get proof, why isn't everything else you're going through, if it can't be fixed, enough to justify a happier life without him? I'm sorry everything is pointing to this one solution and I really hope you can work things out somehow. If not, do what is best for yourself and your family. Wishing you all the best 💐

Just look and get it over and done with OP, at least then you know for certain one way or another.

From what you've said it does sound very suspicious.

You can't go on like this. I think you need to pick your moment and ask him to sit down for a serious talk about your relationship. Tell him you're concerned about the changes in him, set out why you think there's a problem between you and ask him if he can put your mind at ease. I think his reaction will give you the biggest clue. If he becomes angry, gaslights you, tells you you're paranoid then tell him you can't go on like this and it's over between you.

As hard as it is try not to get too emotional. I wish you all the best.

Yes do talk to him but get evidence first or else he will minimise, deny and gaslight. If you say I saw those messages who is she and what is going on it will have a much more direct effect rather than allowing him to come up with excuses.

Seriously you need to get on with this though - you are torturing yourself with every day of inaction. You deserve to know the truth and if you're genuinely sure that this is the best way to know with certainty then do it! Thinking of you

could you loose your phone? and then borrow his to make an important call to mum/sister/friend in distress. Have this call with them so the call is logged but at the same time in another room of course, check his messages?

How would she know I was talking about her and my husband? There’s no identifying factors really. At least nothing specific. There are plenty of married women with 2 children who are probably messaging married men online. She may not even be aware he’s married or has kids. There’s no pics of our family on his socials. It’s like I don’t exist.

I find it so worrying that you’ve been wiped from his socials and can’t tag him in photos.

How can you read his messages and check when you don't know his Pin 🤦🏻‍♀️ You also say this has been months.

Did there used to be photos of you and the kids on his social pages? With every update you give, he seems more and more suss.

There was pics of me and he used to constantly post on my page and tag me. He never does that now. And all previous posts with me tagged are gone. He’s removed them.

Ah OP, you have to get hold of that phone. Or if it simply isn't going to be possible, you need to put him on the spot and confront him. If he refuses to prove his innocence, that tells you everything you need to know.

I’m so sorry. Been there. I know how hard this is 💐

Hi op, can you not switch your phone off and pretend your battery has gone flat and then ask to borrow his? Tell him you need to make a call to someone then take the phone into another room and while pretending to chat to someone have a sneaky look?

Sorry the signs are there, not leaving his phone and hiding it under the pillow is a big red flag 🚩 you need to crack on with some snooping asap. Ask for his phone if you can't get near it. Things like what's app/ telegram can not be accessed via iPad.

A good thing to look at if your do have access to his iPad is his contacts list, might be worth inputting them in your phone to see what comes up in what's app.

Sorry, usually gut feelings are correct x

I can tag him but he never responds or reacts and he never tags me in anything anymore whereas he used to tag me in loads of stuff all day, every day. It just stopped one day.

When was that? Does it coincide with all of the other changes in his behaviour? Did anything else significant happen at that time?

I can’t remember exactly. For a while now. It never really occurred to me at first but over time It’s come to my attention. It’s been a slow burner.

Do you think your own (justified) suspicions subconsciously make you a little less approachable to him? If so it is all the more reason for needing to resolve the question.

If you are thinking theses things then it’s true. It’s 99% rate of intuition being right with things like this. Get your ducks in a row and get rid.

@TipsyJoker I’m so sorry but your ‘gut feeling’ is leaping around because each individual out of character thing has now become a list which cannot be ignored any longer.
When I got a ‘gut feeling’ out of the blue one day, I realised that that one out of character thing which struck me as odd about my husband that day, was actually one of a few things which in isolation over time I’d shrugged away, plenty of really plausible alternative explanations.
However that day I just knew something wasn’t right, then all the other things horribly started to make sense in the light of the unthinkable thought I now couldn’t stop thinking. I was unfortunately right.
The unusual amount of ‘working late’ wasn’t ‘the end of a big project at work’, the distant behaviour wasn’t ‘stress about the big project at work’, the not needing much/ any dinner at night wasn’t because they’d sent out for food when working late, the phone left in his coat pocket in the evening wasn’t ‘I’d forgotten I hadn’t got it out of my coat’, the phone always left screen down whenever it wasn’t in his pocket wasn’t because ‘someone at work told me it avoided scratches on the screen’ , the going to bed earlier than me ‘watching financial stuff podcasts’ in bed on his iPad wasn’t that either, it was messaging her, and finally the ‘weekend pub crawl with the guys’ where he couldn’t hide his guilt/ anxiety from me when he left, was a night away with his affair partner.

My gut niggled me all day after he’d gone for his weekend until suddenly I knew what it was telling me, all the stuff I’d shrugged off over a long period of months now made total sense.
Taken as a whole series of events, what you have described here is now, to me, beyond alternative explanations.
Trust your gut, it’s running flags up flagpoles for a reason.
Again, I’m so, so sorry, this is horrible.

I mean when has it ever been not another woman? Look at the thread after thread. It’s always another woman.