Who Is She????!!!!!

[TipsyJoker]

Hey lovelies,

I just wanted to ask some advice. I saw on my husbands messenger that he’s been messaging some woman I’ve never seen or heard of before. I didn’t read the messages so I don’t know the content of them. I just saw her in his messages. I checked Facebook and it seems like they’re not friends. So I did a little bit of digging. They have no seeming connection to each other. No friends in common. They don’t work together or even in the same field. She lives about 400 miles away. He’s never mentioned her to me. They don’t have any obvious common likes on fb. She’s also married with 2 kids.

I was a bit suspicious because he is ALWAYS on his phone. He takes it everywhere with him, even into the bathroom. So I peeked over when he was on messenger and saw her in his messages. I haven’t snooped but it’s been eating away at me ever since and it’s been months. I know he’s not physically cheated. However, my gut has been screaming at me for months. Prior to this I had no reason to doubt him.

There’s no public trace of them communicating on Facebook. It just seems weird to me. It also seems he has set his profile so I can’t see when he posts in groups he’s in, etc. He has also set it so when he gets a message to his phone it just says message and doesn’t display a name.

I don’t want to outright ask him in case it’s nothing or in case it is something and it just makes him more sneaky and cover his tracks even more so.

Would it be wrong to check this one conversation with this women? I know it’s an invasion of privacy but I really can’t see any other way that I will find out the truth one way or the other. I think if I asked him and there was anything going on he’d just deny it because why wouldn’t he?

Any advice on what to do here? It’s affecting me and making me feel subconscious and angry. We haven’t been as intimate for a while, (not my choice) but I just put that down to life with a young baby and being tired a lot.
Thanks for reading.

@TipsyJoker, please ignore any goading. You are not at all unreasonable or controlling!

You have witnessed marked changes in H’s conduct. He’s been creating distance between you and shutting you out while investing elsewhere via his phone, which he is fiercely protecting. As you said above, even when he is with you in body, he isn’t actually ‘present.’

You have a new baby and maintaining your peace of mind is crucial. Your need for answers trumps his right to privacy. I hope you can get to the bottom of this.

Thank you for your kind comments,@Secondstart1001.🙂

No he doesn’t.

Thank you. You’ve been very reasonable and kind. Some people on here have been quite harsh and mean.

@TipsyJoker I hope you manage to get some kind of access to his messages as I don’t think you can go on like this for much longer :(
He is your H and you can see many worrying changes - social media, secrecy in behaviour, disassociation and also lack of intimacy. I agree with pps that some other posters have never been cheated on so won’t understand and equally feel very secure in their relationships ( probably because their H is behaving normally!).
sorry prob posting here isn’t giving you the peace or answers you want and need. I think you need to have a look and be prepared for the worst ( but hope for the best:(

Until relatively recently we had a very active sex life and if he was into something, he wouldn’t told me because in the type to oblige in pretty much anything.

It’s a public forum but it’s anonymous. It better than speaking to my friends about it and potentially tarnishing their attitude towards him.

Whatever it is - it needs to stop. This much secrecy is not healthy, all is clearly not well.
You need to confront it, it won't stop gnawing at you while he's still hiding things.

In your shoes I would try to find a way to read his messages with this woman without him knowing.

Being in this state of anxiety worrying about it will drive you demented otherwise.

You came here for advice. The most resounding advice is, just look. Or at the very least just ask. Your posts seem to just repeat each other, over and over.
From what I can gather, you saw a female in your Dhs Facebook messages a few months ago, since then, nothing. But he's secretive with his phone.
I'll be honest, most people would have done something by now, by that I mean they'd have either looked or forgotten about it.
I don't really get the waiting. Take the tablet and look, or ask him outright to use his phone.

Read the messages. I was driven to snoop. And it showed me I was right.

All this angst op and yet you want to do nothing. Seems pointless to me, just read the messages or ask him. If you can’t do any of that, then you put up and get on with your life or leave. Driving yourself crazy like this just doesn’t make any sense. You have more patience than I do lol

@Cobbledstreets I agree I reckon it’s about 50% too. When I first when in them about 3 years ago I was a bit naive about the characters on them. Haven’t been on them for over a year now but I’m more and more convinced from experience/what I read that at least 50% are either married or already in relationships

Be a bloody grown up. Ask your husband who she is and voice your concerns. The excuse not to do this because he will just hide more shady behaviour or delete anything incriminating - is just not relevant.

You are focusing on the wrong thing. You need trust for a good relationship. If you ask and do not get an immediate and transparent response.. you have lost trust. It's time to end it.

You can only be gaslit if you are prepared to believe someone you know to be untrustworthy.

Just speak to him immediately and get yourself out of this psycho drama.

THIS. OP, you do realise that at least half of the pp telling you to snoop on your partner's phone are just wanting drama and gossip? It's not actually good advice to spy on your partner, believe it or not.

You can ask him to show you his phone. Tell him about your concerns. Don't pretend you won't know if he's lying. If he lies, call him out. Tell him, I know you're lying, and if you won't tell me the truth, it's the end for us.

He's your husband: talk to him. If you can't have a conversation about your concerns, then the marriage isn't worth saving anyway.

very much not suggesting snooping for drama and gossip. But because it’s the only way to find out. Mine lied and lied when I asked him, as cheaters do. Snooping was the only way to know for sure

I take my phone to the bathroom and sleep with it under the pillow. DH and DD both know my password and DH uses it sometimes e.g to check weather
if his phone is in a different room. I’m the same with his phone. None of us takes phone AND tablet to the bathroom.,

@taylorswift1989 its absolutely not for gossip and drama it’s because I know first hand the absolute torment of watching this happen and feeling powerless. It’s creates hypervigilance and anxiety. It absolutely destroys your sense of safety and knowing what is going on hands you your agency back.

No one is asking @TipsyJoker to look and update the thread. Stop exaggerating!

Exactly @Elasticatedtrousers . At least o knew I wasn’t mad

If this were me I’d just ask my husband. “Oh I saw you messaging someone called *laura, who’s she?”
if she’s no one, me and my husband would just have a laugh about me snooping over his shoulder. He wouldn’t be angry or anything. I think if he got angry that shows he has something to hide?

I'm quite surprised about the number of posters who sleep with their phone under their pillows.
It's quite well documented that this isn't a safe or healthy thing to do? Why on earth do it?

Well I think you should look, but not feel obliged to update the thread. So not everybody saying to look and give yourself the full picture you're being excluded from just wants updates and gossip.

You are the one who should know.

@TipsyJoker Trust your gut, it's rarely wrong.

Exactly.

We must all have lovely trusting friends who have experienced similar. Starts with suspicions about phone use but not wanting to 'snoop'. The anxiety, the second guessing explanations, doubting everything.

If a dp is secretive with their phone and a name is visible frequently that their dp doesn't know there will always be a dodgy reason for it. Again asking is a waste of time it will alert him to suspicions and make him more sneaky and he will gaslight.

Good luck op. I'm not here for 'gossip and drama' as a pp suggested rather I'm with most reasonable posters to support you that yes you have every reason to have doubts and do whatever you can to find out wtf if going on.

@TipsyJoker

When you say until recently your sex life has been good. Has the correlated with the messages?

I would check the message if you have suspicions it will put your mind at rest hopefully. It could be something simple like an old junior or high school friend that reconnected on a facebook group. I have recently been in contact with lots of old friends on a group like this they live all over the world now. If he works from home and she lives 400 miles away it's unlikely an affair. I would ask him if he denies messaging and does not say where he knows her from then you know something is not right about it.

That and having a young child. It’s gone from him not keeping his hands off me to once a month, maybe twice and it’s always because I initiate it.