Who Is She????!!!!!

[TipsyJoker]

Hey lovelies,

I just wanted to ask some advice. I saw on my husbands messenger that he’s been messaging some woman I’ve never seen or heard of before. I didn’t read the messages so I don’t know the content of them. I just saw her in his messages. I checked Facebook and it seems like they’re not friends. So I did a little bit of digging. They have no seeming connection to each other. No friends in common. They don’t work together or even in the same field. She lives about 400 miles away. He’s never mentioned her to me. They don’t have any obvious common likes on fb. She’s also married with 2 kids.

I was a bit suspicious because he is ALWAYS on his phone. He takes it everywhere with him, even into the bathroom. So I peeked over when he was on messenger and saw her in his messages. I haven’t snooped but it’s been eating away at me ever since and it’s been months. I know he’s not physically cheated. However, my gut has been screaming at me for months. Prior to this I had no reason to doubt him.

There’s no public trace of them communicating on Facebook. It just seems weird to me. It also seems he has set his profile so I can’t see when he posts in groups he’s in, etc. He has also set it so when he gets a message to his phone it just says message and doesn’t display a name.

I don’t want to outright ask him in case it’s nothing or in case it is something and it just makes him more sneaky and cover his tracks even more so.

Would it be wrong to check this one conversation with this women? I know it’s an invasion of privacy but I really can’t see any other way that I will find out the truth one way or the other. I think if I asked him and there was anything going on he’d just deny it because why wouldn’t he?

Any advice on what to do here? It’s affecting me and making me feel subconscious and angry. We haven’t been as intimate for a while, (not my choice) but I just put that down to life with a young baby and being tired a lot.
Thanks for reading.

It sounds strange taking both tablet and phone with him when he is in the shower,
I can’t understand you tbh, just look at their conversation if you can and hopefully it will clarify the situation.

This doesn’t sound like a great marriage. he’s secretive, permanently attached to his phone, would blow up if you were chatting with men - is this any men, does it include colleagues, or is it only strange new men? He’s had a bunch of personal issues you’ve supported him through… is this that equal a marriage?

They don't need to be in a server for discord though, just friends.

You can also close a chat down on discord so it looks like no conversation has happened unless you can find the person and open the chat again.

Another thing OP.

My Dp’s FB location has us living 200 miles from where we actually live now. This is because he hasn’t bothered changing his settings since we moved house.

She may or may not be as far away as it looks. Are there any other clues on her socials about her whereabouts?

I am going against the grain here.

My phone is private. It is the modern equivalent of my diary. It contains both the practical and emotional sides of my life. Intimate conversations with close friends on a multitude of issues both mine and theirs. Conversations, disputes and romantic exchanges with my husband. It is much more than a 'phone' . For this reason it is password protected.

If my husband wanted reassurance about a particular person messaging me he could ask me. I would unlock my phone and locate the messages he was concerned about immediately and pass to him to reassure.

If however he then took the opportunity to invade my privacy by searching through my phone - or worse still - somehow snooped my phone having discovered my password, I would leave him. Absolutely. End of.

Fucking MN drives me nuts on this issue. Personal privacy is NON NEGOTIABLE !!
Except on MN because the end justifies the means ?

Be a bloody grown up. Ask your husband who she is and voice your concerns. The excuse not to do this because he will just hide more shady behaviour or delete anything incriminating - is just not relevant.

You are focusing on the wrong thing. You need trust for a good relationship. If you ask and do not get an immediate and transparent response.. you have lost trust. It's time to end it.

You can only be gaslit if you are prepared to believe someone you know to be untrustworthy.

Just speak to him immediately and get yourself out of this psycho drama.

Btw . I always take my phone to the bathroom. I'm a multi tasker 😙.. who is not having an affair. I also sleep with it under my pillow sometimes.

He's probably just got some hobby he thinks you would think was cringe. I message all kinds of people all over the world because I'm obsessed with The Beatles. Chill.

You would lock your phone and take it everywhere and sleep with it under your pillow because you like the Beatles?

Well, that’s just weird

I understand your point but surely sometimes things aren’t black and white?

The OP has children with this man; she’d be breaking up a family. Thats a huge decision to take especially if it’s based on nothing more than vague suspicions.

Her DH hasn’t done anything concrete. Everything she mentions could be explained away. If she asks him and he demurs, she’ll never know if she was right. He could insist that she’s misunderstood, misinterpreted….and then what? OP would have to break up the home based on nothing more than vague suspicions. Thats a very big decision to make especially when children are involved and one that many women might struggle to make.

Alternatively she quickly skims through his phone, ignoring his other private stuff. She doesn’t have to read all his conversations with friends as she’s only looking for something specific.

If it turns out to be nothing then he need never know. OP doesn’t need to look again and can stop worrying about his phone habits. She can work on trusting him again - it’s not irretrievable.

There are so many women that believed their partner to be completely and utterly faithful who have been shocked to the core to discover they were cheating. When you see smoke, sooner or later you have to check whether there’s a fire. You don’t need to keep checking but in the face of persistent smoke, it’s daft not to at least have a brief look…

I understand feeling invaded. I’d also hand my phone over if my partner asked. But neither of us have anything to hide, and that’s the point. He might have something to hide that the OP doesn’t care about, such as porn, even if the conversation with the mystery woman is innocent. But not handing over his phone instantly would look like guilt.

Shes at the point where she either just divorces him or she checks. She can’t forget what she’s seen and there’s no guarantee that he’ll be honest if she asks. If she asks, she’s lost her chance to find out for certain. Surely it’s better that she finds out without him knowing? If it’s all innocent then no one gets hurt.

Maybe he’s into furries.

Totally agree

Of course he's up to something. I always think that unless they are battling chronic constipation there is a reason why he takes his phone into the loo with him. He's also set his profile so OP can’t see when he posts in groups he’s in, etc. and also set it so when he gets a message to his phone it just says message and doesn’t display a name. I am struggling to see an innocent explanation for this.

For goodness sake, have a look and put an end to this misery. If he has been cheating, snooping is a much lesser offence. If it's all innocent, least said, soonest mended.

I could read my husband's email if I ever wanted to - he wouldn't care. I could access his phone if I wanted or he could have mine. We just don't have those kind of secrets from each other. I mean if I went right now and asked my husband to look at his emails he'd think I was a bit strange but he'd show me. I don't think you think the same about your husband.

I take my phone in with me to have a wee, sometimes I like to have a ‘long wee’. Yeah I’m weird but it doesn’t mean I’m up to anything suspicious. I’m just browsing stupid stuff on the internet or reading the news. And it’s not every wee, just sometimes it’s a nice little mini break 😌

However taking your phone and tablet in when you’re having a shower? That’s super suspicious. There’s zero reason for that other than he doesn’t want OP to have any chance of accessing it.

You seem very keen to respect his privacy and you won't read his messages

And yet you've posted about him on a public forum 🤣

READ HIS MESSAGES

GET IT OVER WITH

😄

I suspect you have never been lied to by a partner. Or don’t know you have. My ex lied to my face for months and months when I accused him, in a very convincing way, after similar behaviour changes to described here & more. We’d been together many years & I fully trusted him. I thought I was going mad. It didn’t add up or make sense. I only got the truth by snooping as people lie to cover up what they know is bad/damaging.
The OP’s DH’s behaviour changes are very suspicious. I have never invaded any of my partners privacy over all my life except twice and both times I was correct. I think this lady will be found to be correct to. I wouldn’t condone her snooping through his whole phone but targeted to what she suspects (ie the messages of this one women) is ok in my opinion. We may have to disagree though.

Yes I’d look

In effect though he's kind of left you already but is just still living in the house still. He's started to withdraw intimacy. He's no longer sharing his life with you. He's being excessively secretive. He's focusing on his phone rather than you when you're together.

These things are all insidiously damaging to your marriage but maybe even more importantly to your self esteem. You are not a jealous or obsessive person and yet his behaviour is priming you to feel like this. It is not healthy for you.

It would be fine to check his phone, he's done more than enough to make you feel suspicious. But even if it is not another woman is this the marriage you want for the rest of your life? You deserve so much more.

I love the ‘talk to him like a grown up’ posters it’s just so naive.

I have known men to immediately get up, walk to the bathroom, lock themselves in for a good few minutes and come out showing their phone.

I’ve known of men who refuse on grounds of partner being ‘controlling’ and ‘invasion of privacy’.

I’ve known of men who pleaded ignorance cried and begged ‘how could partner possibly think that of them’

All were cheating.

In all cases the partner then was left making a decision on whether their REACTION was enough to break up their family and life. The marriage often limped on. And ultimately more damage was caused.

FWIW my husband behaved in a similar way, I looked and both times I found he was up to something. The first time was crossing boundaries (I had a rational conversation with him, was a real grown up, and thought I’d got through and we were ok) a few months later it had developed into an affair. I had never checked his phone prior to this. I had trusted him completely but something was off and I was a mess so decided my mental emotional health came before his need for privacy when he was behaving like such a secretive arse.

@TipsyJoker you seem to hope that someone is going to come along and give you a narrative that works but the truth is it’s dodgy. Most on here know it’s dodgy and you’re stuck in limbo until you just look.

Exactly this. If he didn’t hand over the phone I would forever be uncertain and I would never be able to trust him again. That would be the end of it. And as you say, I wouldn’t look at anything else, just this one specific thing. I wouldn’t go through all his messages or apps. If it’s nothing, then I can put my mind at rest and never look again.

If I ask and he doesn’t show me, the marriage would be over. However, if he would show me if I asked and I find nothing then I can put this behind us and move on trusting him. The end result would be the same if I looked and he knew nothing about it. I wouldn’t be able to break up my family without evidence. I couldn’t look my children in the face and say, “I broke up our family because I thought your dad was up to something online and when I asked, he wouldn’t show me his phone so I divorced him.” That sounds nuts to me and comes across as extreme. I absolutely wouldn’t Rut through all his stuff. I just want a quick look at this one message thread with this one mystery woman to confirm if it’s innocent or not. You’re making out I want to read his entire diary when that’s not the case at all. I hope this never happens to you because when it does, it’s not so black and white. I’m in a very difficult position that could affect me whole existence and that of my children. I need concrete evidence.

Observe him putting his pin in, learn it and then look at the messages or you will go mad with worry.

He’s ok with men he knows but I can tell he’s suspicious of me when I message friends of mine who are male, despite me telling him and discussing the conversations. He’s accused me of being up to something before but I just told him to read the messages. He refused but clearly didn’t trust it was innocent. I’d never do anything. I think he’s projecting.

Go thru his phone, you have no choice really.

I found her on LinkedIn and her place of work is in the same place as her fb states.

Has he got an Apple Watch?