Would this bother you?

[ChangeUsername123]

I can’t tell if my spidey senses are tingling for a reason or if they’re just off.

My DH started getting fit after being diagnosed with high blood pressure at the back end of last year. He started by joining a group through work where they do activities. There’s one woman and four men who regularly go.

My DH then started doing the Couch 2 5K thing on his own to keep the fitness going. The woman from the activity group is now doing running too and they’re both going to do the local Park Run together but just the two of them.

I was diagnosed with a long term condition a few years ago and this means I can’t do any exercise so I feel ‘left out’ a bit and I’m not sure if this is what’s clouding my judgement.

I know it might seem like I don’t trust him but I do trust him not to cheat - what I’m not sure of is whether this would lead to something because it’s new, if that makes sense? For context, we both had friends of the opposite sex when we got together and his close female friend from back then has become one of my cherished friends too. So that in itself doesn’t bother me. I think it’s the newness of this that makes me feel uncomfortable. I can’t put my finger on it though.

We’ve been together 20 years, married for 18.

I can’t imagine saying DH wasn’t allowed to make new female friends, that they had to date from before we got together? I can understand, however, that your health meaning you can’t exercise in the way you’d like leaves you feeling wistful.

Maybe have a discussion and see how he reacts. I.e.if he's defensive then I would be worried but if he says he understands your concerns and stays calm/ reassures you that it's just fitness then it's fine.

You have been together a long time and I'm sure you cam read him.

There's nothing wrong with having friends of the opposite sex.

You say you trust him, so trust him.

Well I can understand why you are bothered.

They are bonding over their shared physical activities. It's inevitable they will become closer.

Is she in a relationship or is she single?

It can be worrying when it's a new friend of the opposite sex acquired by one partner.Have you met this woman? He should be at least making sure you have met her and given you a chance to get to know her a bit.

I agree with pp about talking to him about your concerns.

Thanks for the replies. I had thought about talking to him but I can’t think of any way of bringing it up without it sounding like I’m accusing him.

It’s a shit situation all round and my low self esteem because of being ill, coupled with peri mean I feel like I’m just watching my life sail by.

Why can’t you exercise though? Surely any long term health condition benefits from exercise?
Id be careful as yes, you’re moving in opposite directions.

I have M.E. Exercise isn’t recommended.

I don't think not saying anything is helping you.
Can you not suggest a social meet up with her and her partner, ? Invite them to your home for meal/ coffee/ drink or whatever. After all he is now spending time with her regularly so he must know it is normal for you to want to want meet a new friend - I'm assuming you have never met her.
If you suggest this you might be able to judge from his reaction whether there is anything to be concerned about.

Also, she’s also married but I know from reading MN that that doesn’t necessarily mean anything.

Go to the Park Run and cheer them on. Actually you should do this anyway.

It’s understandable, but I think you should focus on trying to find ways, inasmuch as you can, to feel less like a bystander in your own life, rather than hanging this on your DH going running with his friend. Have you tried therapy? Dealing with chronic illness is difficult.

I’ve got ME too but I still exercise when I can despite the fact it might increase pain or bring on a crash because I’ll be fucked if I’m having my life dictated by it. How much of your not exercising is physical inability and how much is mindset? You could do something gentler like swimming with your DH? I don’t think you can forbid him from making new friends though, female or otherwise.

He steered exercising for health benefits which can’t be a bad thing.

Why don’t you go along to one of their fun run type things to wave and offer support and catch up afterwards with a picnic etc. Just because you can’t physically join him in the run doesn’t mean you can’t be involved.

Also suggest inviting the woman and her partner round for dinner so you can get to know them.

Doing park run with a friend sounds totally normal. Your concern sounds like it’s just stemming from being left out. Why don’t you meet them at the finish line and go for coffee?

Thanks again everyone.

@Tippet I have had therapy and it’s helped in terms of me accepting I can’t help being ill etc, but it doesn’t seem to have helped in terms of this feeling left out and not being able to join in.

As someone mentioned, I am trying to carve out some time for me to do things that would make me feel good but it’s quite difficult when I can’t predict how I am going to be. I do feel like I’m a bit stuck with that though and I should probably just ‘do’ something.

@Ratisshortforratthew I’m pleased you’re able to exercise, though I’d warn you to be careful. As you’ll probably know, exercise isn’t recommended for most M.E. patients. And just because you can manage some doesn’t mean everyone (or even many) can. I was like you when I first got diagnosed and I tried to denial myself out of it and carry on as normal with gym going and swimming and it only made me worse. I would love nothing more to get back to that but I also have to be realistic.

Also, I’m not and wouldn’t forbid him to have friends, which is why I came on here to ask if I was barking up the wrong tree or overthinking it. The sad fact is though, this is something that they will bond over and as someone said up thread we are moving in opposite directions.

The idea of going to watch them is a potential but then I’d probably feel awkward about that too - like I’m only going because I don’t feel comfortable with the situation and that they’d both know that, which would make me feel more awkward!🙈

Maybe get yourself a hobby, so you don't feel like you've lost yourself and a new way to socialise.

Craft based hobbies? Book club? I know everything requires energy, I have quite a few complex illnesses myself but it's horrible losing yourself to an illness and anything even in a blue moon is something- small victories and all that.

Yoga can be beneficial- wheelchair based that focuses on breathing techniques a subtle stretches.

GET is no longer recommended but the physio from the specialist chronic fatigue service actually did recommend me a graduated stretching programme. I’m not in denial at all, I’m very comfortable cancelling plans when I’m too tired and taking lots of naps but I live according to how my body feels rather than sticking to the recommendations by the letter. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with him having people he bonds with over stuff he can’t do with you tbh. Isn’t it healthy to have that in a relationship? I mean, I’m currently travelling for a month without my partner! It sounds like this is more about you feeling you can’t match him in terms of doing stuff and feel insecure about being able to do less? I’m sorry you’re feeling like that. I do agree with others just getting out and doing your own thing within the parameters you can manage is a good course of action.

I agree you should try and get to know this lady to calm your fears. My ex had loads of female friends. The ones I got to know, I had absolutely no concerns about. It's the ones who I hadn't met (but who he kept mentioning or I'd hear them on the phone) or who were standoffish with me who made me worry. I think just be honest with him. You're feeling a little insecure because he's got a new female friend he shares a hobby with. A hobby you're unable to be involved with. You're not accusing him of anything, you just want to get to know this person he's spending a lot of time with.

If they're doing the local park run together then that's fine. There will be lots of other people around. It sounds like they're just friends who happen to be of the opposite sex.

Was your physio through the NHS service? I went through that years ago and they’ve pretty much washed their hands of me now as there’s nothing they can do.

I could consider private if I knew of someone who could help.

Yes it was but to be honest I don’t find the clinic particularly helpful

its common to have friends of the opposite sex, maybe you’re feeling a bit jealous that you can’t join in so feeling excluded.

you could always go with them to park run as one of the helpers.

Either you trust him or you don't, it's as simple as that. She could jog naked into his bedroom and if you trust him then there's no reason to get angry (with him!). Having a female friend he shares a hobby with shouldn't cause you suspicion in a healthy relationship.

It's not unreasonable to feel hurt or upset that you can't join in though, if that's the issue (and would be if this friend were male). It would be unreasonable to step in and say he can't do activities unless you can too, but merely feeling it is natural.

@ChangeUsername123 hi there, you asked if ‘this’ would bother people? Frankly it would bother me a lot. I’d feel green with envy that there’s someone my husband could go running round the park with if I was struggling to get through the day due to ill health. And I’d also worry about other things they could perhaps do together for the simple reason I’m not in the right place not to.

What would I do? I’d tell my husband. I’d tell him how rotten I feel physically and emotionally and see where going down that particular road leads us.

We’re all made differently and whilst some of could cope with the current situation there are others who wouldn’t be able to and being scared is ok.