Would this bother you?

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I can’t tell if my spidey senses are tingling for a reason or if they’re just off.

My DH started getting fit after being diagnosed with high blood pressure at the back end of last year. He started by joining a group through work where they do activities. There’s one woman and four men who regularly go.

My DH then started doing the Couch 2 5K thing on his own to keep the fitness going. The woman from the activity group is now doing running too and they’re both going to do the local Park Run together but just the two of them.

I was diagnosed with a long term condition a few years ago and this means I can’t do any exercise so I feel ‘left out’ a bit and I’m not sure if this is what’s clouding my judgement.

I know it might seem like I don’t trust him but I do trust him not to cheat - what I’m not sure of is whether this would lead to something because it’s new, if that makes sense? For context, we both had friends of the opposite sex when we got together and his close female friend from back then has become one of my cherished friends too. So that in itself doesn’t bother me. I think it’s the newness of this that makes me feel uncomfortable. I can’t put my finger on it though.

We’ve been together 20 years, married for 18.

What a bizarre question.

It’s not a bizarre question, there are men who have boundaries with other women, and there are men who seem to only have female friends, and they get a bit too cosy with them. It’s a valid question.

Could you explain to him “I’m sure there is my mind playing tricks on me but I feel insecure and left out of your new hobby. Is there any chance of us spending time with your new friend as a couple so I have the chance to get to know her too?” If he’s a decent guy and loves you he will say yes of course.

Thanks again everyone. I appreciate all the points of view.

@incywincyspiders & @Opinionsneededd thank you so much for your supportive posts regarding the M.E. - it really is so draining at times because, as you’ll know, you feel like you have to defend yourself. And ill thought out comments make you feel ‘guilty’ - like it’s somehow my fault I can’t just go and start running 5K or I’m not trying hard enough. And by god, I’d give anything to be able to go back to the gym or swimming or play football. If thinking about it worked, I’d be there already.

I think I may just monitor it for now. I’m not sure I’d even be well enough even to go and watch as I’d have to be up and ready early and I don’t always function too early on. We’ll see though. I do find it interesting that some would find it uncomfortable and some wouldn’t bat an eyelid. I may bring it up depending on how I feel when he next mentions it but again, I’ll play that by ear.

As an aside, he’s normally very loving and affectionate and that hasn’t changed and we still have sex regularly.

Yeah, this.

Would you be up to volunteering at the Park Run? A lot of the volunteer roles can be done seated. Might make you feel more part of things and you'd be doing something together which could be fun.

I don't know much about M.E or the constraints you are under but could you cheer them on by volunteering at the parkrun? You may not be able to tail walk but some of the sites are accessible and you can do things like marshall or scan barcodes.
That way you can also feel involved and after that you can all go for coffee or breakfast.

Do you get to go out on dates together?

If not make sure you do as that really make a difference, it's easy to forget that you need time together too.

Deleted as saw someone else had said the same suggestion about volunteering!

So. You can’t discourage your husbands fitness! If you don’t think he will cheat then you’re fine.

find something new to do as a couple. Dancing, pottery class, fur trapping! Whatever. just something to strengthen your bond.

@Sunshinethrumywindow we do get to go on dates, mostly meals out as that’s always been our thing. We just probably need to make it happen more often.

@catsordogs1 it seems like it’s a really good idea because a lot of people have suggested it. I’ll see how things go and then if it becomes regular I might suggest it.

@bikewidow50 I was nosey and looked at your edited post. Thanks for taking the time to explain it in more detail. As I say to catsordogs1 it does seem like it might be the way to go so I’ll definitely consider it if it continues.

@NoThanksymm I doubt he’ll be in to anything I would hobby wise. Sadly it seems sporty stuff is the only thing he’s interested in. But we can do more date nights.

Talk to him. I've had similar feelings and they were due to my self esteem and confidence/feeling of knowing my place in the world taking a huge knock when I became unwell. Xx

My husband runs with other women, I have absolutely no problem with this. It’s very common in the running community and it’s just about finding someone who has the same pace as you. I don’t think it should be something you worry about. If you did feel well enough, the Parkrun community is great and you would be welcomed as a volunteer.

Parkrun are always looking for volunteers - they’d be delighted for you to do timing, marshalling, chip collection etc. It gets you involved in his hobby (and pretty much any running event will be happy with offers to volunteer if he decides to do 10ks, half marathons etc) without you feeling like you’re just tagging along, and you can meet them for a coffee at the end.

Most parkruns have hundreds of attendees so they won’t be “alone”. Going to parkrun or anything new for the first time can be scary and he has someone to go with. That being said there’s nothing stopping you from going along to support or to volunteer at the event, parkrun are always grateful for volunteers. That way you will also be included.

There are loads of long term conditions that you either cannot exercise with or have to take things more slowly, meaning running is out. Would you expect someone with MS to start running couch to 5k for example? Please don’t put everyone under the same umbrella, it’s really harmful to people suffering with disabilities and illnesses.

Not all friendships are sexual appealing to the friends.
He has an interest shared.
I am sure you could go for a light walk, sit where they run and read a magazine or book or perhaps join a yoga class and be around others yourself.
Or leave him to it and trust he is doing his mental health and body good.
I wouldn't let a medical condition stop me from functioning daily or challenge myself to be part of life.
He could find that difficult.
Exercise for M E can be light and achievable.
Many people with fatigue work and function.

Its a perfectly reasonable question. Men should hang out with other men.

I wouldn't let a medical condition stop me from functioning daily or challenge myself to be part of life.

Exercise for M E can be light and achievable.
Many people with fatigue work and function

Please, please stop with these sorts of ableist comments. Honestly it’s so so tiresome and you really don’t know how different people cope. Many people might work with fatigue and function.

BUT. I. CAN’T.

Do you not think I’ve tried?! Do you know how utterly fucking soul destroying it is to have to give up work? To not be able to support yourself anymore? To now be reliant on my husband? I worked since my first paper round at 13. In fact at 14 I had 2 paper rounds and a Saturday job. I supported my child as a single parent from a young age. I worked until I couldn’t work any more. And I hate it. I hate not being able to contribute financially. I hate not being able to use my brain for the job I used to enjoy and instead have to sit at home because quite often even concentrating for a short while can leave me laid on the sofa, utterly exhausted. I hate missing out on things I thought I’d be able to do as my kids grew up. I hate that I can’t do the activities my husband does. I try not to let this illness define me but the truth is, it does because it dictates what I can and can’t do.

Apologies to the supportive posters for the rant - I just get fed up of justifying my inability to do things to people who don’t understand. Thank you for the supportive comments and I will look into the volunteering if it becomes regular.❤️

And there are men who aren’t the kind of horny teenagers who don’t default to equating women as ‘someone I could have sex with’. I’d suggest you find one of those, someone for whom women aren’t a set of sex organs.

I’m so sorry you’ve had so many people disregard and minimise your illness. I hope it hasn’t upset you, I can imagine it must be incredibly frustrating, especially when this had nothing to do with your original post! (However I can see how it could have contributed to your feelings about this situation).

If I was in your shoes, I would have an open and honest conversation with your partner about how it is making you feel. I personally wouldn’t volunteer for my husbands hobby unless it was something I actively wanted to do together, and getting up early to Marshall other people’s runs is like my nightmare! I would perhaps encourage you instead to find a different hobby; perhaps one you can pick up and down as it works with your illness or something where it doesn’t matter if you don’t attend every week etc. Wish you all the best

I think you’re very naive. Men make effort to spend one to one time with women they want to shag, it’s been the same since the dawn of time

Nope theyre all the same. Give them a good looking woman and theyre putty. They should not have women as friends!

I don’t think you have anything to worry about OP.

My sister and her husband do park runs every weekend together and they actually spend very little time with each other when they are running. Everyone just focuses on themselves, beating the PBs etc… Having someone to go with probably just helps keeps him motivated to keep it up.

The only time I would be concerned was if his behaviour towards you suddenly changed in anyway. Of course, it wouldn’t automatically mean there is something going on between them but it could ne an early warning sign.

Like many others here, I suggest to try to get to know her a little better. I reckon it’ll put you mind at easy.

OP I have a condition everyone knows how to cure too! Try to tune it all or it will sap all your spoons. I think most people are well meaning and don’t realise how frustrating it is.

Ugh I hear you OP. My DD, DH and I have long term health conditions. The frequent well meaning and “helpful” advice and opinions from people who know nothing about what it’s like to live with a long term condition are EXHAUSTING.
The next time someone offers helpful advice like “my friend has ….. insert health condition… and cut out gluten for a month and now she’s totally fine” I would like to think I’ll lose my shit.

Although in reality I’ll probably smile and say nothing and seethe for years days 😂

So thanks for calling out this ableist crap. You rule!! 💜