Would this bother you?

[ChangeUsername123]

I can’t tell if my spidey senses are tingling for a reason or if they’re just off.

My DH started getting fit after being diagnosed with high blood pressure at the back end of last year. He started by joining a group through work where they do activities. There’s one woman and four men who regularly go.

My DH then started doing the Couch 2 5K thing on his own to keep the fitness going. The woman from the activity group is now doing running too and they’re both going to do the local Park Run together but just the two of them.

I was diagnosed with a long term condition a few years ago and this means I can’t do any exercise so I feel ‘left out’ a bit and I’m not sure if this is what’s clouding my judgement.

I know it might seem like I don’t trust him but I do trust him not to cheat - what I’m not sure of is whether this would lead to something because it’s new, if that makes sense? For context, we both had friends of the opposite sex when we got together and his close female friend from back then has become one of my cherished friends too. So that in itself doesn’t bother me. I think it’s the newness of this that makes me feel uncomfortable. I can’t put my finger on it though.

We’ve been together 20 years, married for 18.

To be fair, you said it was helpful. That’s a blanket statement. Some people may find it helpful but they are few and far between in my experience.

Exercise intolerance is one of the main diagnostic criteria for M.E.

Are they even running together? I meet my brother at park run most Saturdays. We meet before the start, 5-10 min chat. Line up, he runs off, waits for me at the end for a quick goodbye, well done etc. and off we go. Even if they’re running together now, once their fitness builds up, one is likely to be faster, and park run becomes addictive for beating your time :) But having someone there to meet is a big motivator to go, so I can understand why they’ve teamed up.
I would say show an interest in his running. Pop down one week, suggesting you have a coffee, short walk straight after. She can join or not.

I honestly think there is a lot to be said about trusting a gut feeling. If something feels off it probably is. Keep an eye on it.

I think the fact they also work together doesn't help your anxiety... that's quite a substantial amount of time they now spend together. And it might feel like she is actively seeking him out rather than it just being convenient to run together. If you're not currently feeling the best version of yourself it is easy to see why you're feeling a little uncomfortable about the situation. I think if you try to boost your own self esteem by getting some new hobbies too and meeting new people you'll feel less threatened and have more to chat to your other half about and reconnect. And the whole running thing won't feel like such a big deal any more.

I don’t know if they will be. They do the other activities together from time to time and my husband started the couch 2 5k thing a few months back. It seems running is new for her from what he’s said. I’m not sure if she’s started the couch 2 5k as well.

I really don’t know why it’s making me feel uneasy. I’ve been trying to put my finger on it..thinking is it because she’s a indirect reportee of his at work. As in he’s not her direct boss but he works side by side with her direct boss who doesn’t work in the same office. Not sure if that makes it weird.

I know it’s a massive drip feed and I didn’t want to mention it as it is way in the past and also I didn’t think it relevant because nothing intimate happened, but he got really close to his old female boss (same age, he has since become the same level manager) about 11 years ago. They also became good friends (still are) and I know she made some derogatory comments about me at the time which hurt.

Edited to say - it does make me wonder why his friends always have to be female. The other people in the activity group are men but he doesn’t hang out with them any other times.

I think there are a couple of different things going on here. Firstly you are on a journey with your health - how supportive is he with this?
Secondly - he's on this health kick that you can't physically join him on, no wonder you feel excluded.
I think you should speak to him, not being accusatory, but saying that thing about seeing your own life passing by and then take things from there.

My husband’s friends are mostly female. He’s not very blokey and tends to have female friends from work or be in mixed groups. It’s never occurred to me to mind. But if I felt uneasy, I’d just say something along the lines of “look, don’t think I’m daft, but I’m feeling a bit insecure atm, especially since I can’t join in with the running. It’d be nice to meet x properly. Maybe we could all grab a coffee after your next park run?”
Ultimately though, unless he gives you a reason not to, you need to trust him. Having said that, he should appreciate how you’re feeling and not get defensive or arsey about it.

Evening!

The whole point of your post is to ask "am I crazy thinking this". Personally I don't think so.

I also just asked my fiancé (he has a sore Achilles) how he'd feel if I got into a running club and that in turn developed into me going to a group park run with a married guy from the other group - he felt the same as me and said nope.

We're both laid back with friends from the opposite sex but have had quite open chats in our relationship about how one on one can potentially 1) give the other person involved the wrong impression and/or 2) (shockingly!?) doing one on one things with someone can lead to something else. Theres a guy I work with keeps asking me if I fancy trying a local cafe, I say no frequently. Talked about it with my fiancé and we both said - it can give the wrong impression when this guy isn't even in my own team and is married with a child. I don't want to be going for lunch at the expense of his wife sitting at home worrying about it. Personally our view is that we have friends, we have family, we have each other and WE are happy to make new ones, but we'd both be involved and meet these people if they're the opposite sex.

To resolve it I'd suggest you say it might be nice to offer to meet her and her husband? Suggest somewhere that does a healthy brunch nearby to the park run maybe? If it was me, I'm lucky we can communicate - we recently worked in the same office for about 8 weeks and I clocked an unhappily married mum of 3 giving him the eye and always sitting near him. We spoke about it and now he knows to keep an eye on it and not sit near her every day because she seems to get a sense of closeness to him from it. It's so easy being able to communicate - hope you can do the same!

She is probably fit and hot and yeah he probably wants to get it on with her. Men are simple animals and very easy to figure out.

She is indeed. She’s definitely fit - and objectively good looking. A complete contrast to my fat (thanks, illness, meds and peri), unfit self. That was another reason I wasn’t sure I was overthinking it - because my self esteem is on the floor, not just because of how I look but how incapable I am because of my illness.

Thank you for sharing your experience. I’m still trying to figure out how to bring it up without it sounding accusing. That’s if I even do decide to bring it up. Talking is not his strong point so I need to be tactful!

Sorry because this is slightly OT but can every single person on this thread who claims they have ME stop talking for everyone else with ME. Fantastic if you can still exercise but it's not about mindset ffs and there is a reason that the CFS services they do offer are about accepting you have a lifelong incurable (currently) illness and that's because denial of this can make your illness so much worse when you're fighting against your body. So infuriating to read some of the comments on here.

My DP does park run and I DO NOT run.. anywhere!! I go along though and take a 30 minute walk whilst he runs and meet him after. Sometimes we then go for coffee or breakfast. We do park run tourism so travel often to new locations and he runs, I take a walk and then we sightsee. Perhaps join him without the running? You can enjoy the event low impact.

Thank you! It’s one of the most draining things about this illness. People either don’t believe in it, or believe you’re not trying hard enough to get better. The irony being is that by fighting it and trying to get better is often the thing that makes it so much worse. Ask me how I know!😩

@SpringleDingle that sounds like a great way for you both to enjoy it. I’d consider it myself if I could do the 5K on my mobility scooter!😂😂

I don’t think this is helpful here. Men and women can be friends without fancying eachother. I certainly don’t want to sleep with any of my male friends.

I would be pushing to meet with them and her husband for a coffee or brunch after a park run. You are suffering from the fear of the unknown. You need to see them together to gauge the dynamic and hopefully it will make you feel much better.

Also please don’t beat yourself up about weight gain. You are battling a debilitating condition and you are his long term partner and I’m sure he wouldn’t want you to feel bad about yourself because he is jogging with a woman in a park. Xx

Maybe it’s more that and a bit of jealousy.

it doesn’t sound much to me.

Why on earth was your husband’s boss of either sex making derogatory comments about you in the workplace? And why did your husband report this to you?

How would it be strange if they didn’t make plans to meet up, dear me, what an odd view. Anyone can go running on their own, or if they really need to with a same sex friend. As for the poster who asked why his old boss who was female was making derogatory comments about his wife, the answer is most likely because he gets too emotionally close to other women who feel comfortable slagging her off, and entitled. The fact he fed it back to her was to make her feel threatened by his friendship with that person, or because he just got a little too comfortable and didn’t think about what he was saying when telling his wife that. Plenty of liberal attitudes in here but I’d have zero time for a man that wanted to have special little friendships with other women one to one, same as I wouldn’t expect any man I’m with to deal with me bonding one to one with other men

He didn’t. Long story short, he used to speak to her and text her a lot outside of work. Mostly work related and it was at a time when he was going for promotion so some of it was understandable. He never hid it. That said, I did get a bit fed up of it and asked why it had to be so often and for so long…the kids were small then and I was still working FT but also ill (not yet diagnosed) so I felt a bit pressured with it all as I was picking up the slack. Anyway, a message came up on his phone when he was driving (was before we had an integrated sat nav and his phone was open). It said ‘give us a call’ and then another popped up that said “if you’re allowed and the 🙄” emoji. I got annoyed, questioned it and assumed he must have been moaning to her and I made him show me the messages. There were some messages basically taking the piss out of me for being bothered about the amount of time she was taking up. Weirdly there wasn’t anything too bad from him..just stating that I was unhappy but that could have been because he said some things while actually talking to her. Sorry, that wasn’t really short.😂

It's clear from your posts that your M.E is not as severe as the OP's. Quite surprised at this attitude from a fellow sufferer.

It's not hard to understand that there are different severity levels of M.E, from mild, moderate to severe - the latter two being chronically disabling. Bear in mind, people (albeit rarely) have died from M.E. Your advice is harmful, unsupportive and irrelevant (the problem isn't the inability to exercise, the problem is the new found friendship, which would likely be the case whether it was another hobby completely unrelated to exercise, that the OP couldn't do). You're a sufferer whom suffers a less severe case, with the only experience of M.E being your own (obviously - we can not live others experiences) and have not yet fully accepted your illness, you are not a specialist.

I had the same attitude to my own illness (but not towards others) about 14 years ago. Now I'm moderately disabled, lost a well paid and usually secure job due to my disability, and seriously have had no choice but to accept after being in denial for many years, that I am no longer the same and no longer able, despite my mind having wanted to believe otherwise for a very, very long time. It's a tale as old as time with M.E, and those of us with moderate to severe cases, with a bit of experience under our belt have seen many suffers of your ilk come and go. Some of us even get better. Some of us never will. It's a vastly different experience for each and every sufferer, which we have all been fighting hard for a long time, to get non-sufferers to understand. With this in mind, your posts, as a fellow sufferer are bewildering.

You may be in some pain, inflammation and need to take lots of naps to recover from a 'flare'. The OP for all you know, may not be able to even feed herself for several weeks after one.

Please think before you speak, you're in your own bubble.

Well said.

There are clearly a lot of misinformed people, who still believe the GET trope & haven't updated their knowledge of their own apparent illness.

As the OP said, exercise intolerance is a diagnostic factor for M.E. The other, is rest not alleviating symptoms. IE - if a nap works for you, it's likely not actually M.E.

Let's stop claiming we have M.E and yet treating sufferers as making excuses to not exercise. If people are actually feeling as though exercise helps (ie alleviates) then it's very likely they've been misdiagnosed.

There's clearly a few people on here that have never seen M.E sufferers bedridden, in the dark, being fed through a tube.

OP has said she can't exercise due to her M.E. So she cannot exercise due to her M.E. Why she is having to defend herself for having the hallmark M.E symptom of exercise intolerance, to others claiming to be genuine sufferers, is absolutely mind boggling, and so, SO harmful.

I would feel uncomfortable with it, too. Exercise can form a bond between people - if superficial and based on raised endorphins, it’s still a bond. Having it be a regular meet up with just the two of them doesn’t seem like a good thing.

glad to read that he’s cutting back on it.

Think that should have read ‘some long term health conditions’ not ‘any’. I have a long term health condition and exercise is an absolute no. Hate sweeping comments like this.

OP - I completely get why you are feeling like you are. However, I think you are just going to have to monitor it, discreetly. It could be completely innocent and you will create a rift between you and your husband.

I feel like it should be enough for her to ask that if he wants to go running one to one with someone, that it be a man. Everyone has relationship boundaries, and different levels of acceptance, all which should be discussed prior to getting into the relationship. The fact that OP cannot do this activity with him of course makes it harder for her to think of another woman bonding with him this way over their shared interest, and naturally makes the other woman seem appealing to him in some way, so her worries are justified. They’ve made a conscious decision to split off from the main group and have one to one sessions, he may as well be dating her, as everything is in place for something to start between them.

@ChangeUsername123

The replies like you received earlier in the thread were really invalidating and are usually arguments healthy people use to call us lazy. Like I said previously, I know the CFS/ME issue was not the main point of the thread but I wanted to reply to reassure you that those who can exercise with ME are in the minority just incase you felt attacked and invalidated by those comments. I personally have had periods where I feel exercise is helping but then it's led to a three month flare up where I can't get out of bed and leave the house. It's exhausting on so many levels. I feel grateful that my CFS is relatively mild compared to others and I am able to lead a semi "normal" life due to a really supportive workplace/manager but I don't think people realise how limiting our illness is. Also I can lead a semi normal life because I rarely leave my house (thank you hybrid working!) - so I guess that's not actually that normal at all!

Anyway, I'm sorry to be so OT. I hope everything works out for you OP and that nothing at all is going on (if it makes you feel better, I don't think there is anything particularly worrying about the situation but my advice would be to keep an eye on it).