Would this bother you?

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I can’t tell if my spidey senses are tingling for a reason or if they’re just off.

My DH started getting fit after being diagnosed with high blood pressure at the back end of last year. He started by joining a group through work where they do activities. There’s one woman and four men who regularly go.

My DH then started doing the Couch 2 5K thing on his own to keep the fitness going. The woman from the activity group is now doing running too and they’re both going to do the local Park Run together but just the two of them.

I was diagnosed with a long term condition a few years ago and this means I can’t do any exercise so I feel ‘left out’ a bit and I’m not sure if this is what’s clouding my judgement.

I know it might seem like I don’t trust him but I do trust him not to cheat - what I’m not sure of is whether this would lead to something because it’s new, if that makes sense? For context, we both had friends of the opposite sex when we got together and his close female friend from back then has become one of my cherished friends too. So that in itself doesn’t bother me. I think it’s the newness of this that makes me feel uncomfortable. I can’t put my finger on it though.

We’ve been together 20 years, married for 18.

I suspect that doing something like this could make a person feel even worse instead of making them feel better.

Came to say this. Parkrun have several volunteer roles that just require standing in one place. Lots of our local volunteer team are people who can't run for various reasons but still enjoy being involved and/or a partner or other family run so they volunteer so they're still doing it 'together'.

@ClonedSquare the thing is, I do trust that if that particular scenario happened right now that he wouldn’t act on it. What I worry about is the potential for that to change based on them bonding and getting closer. Maybe I’ve read these boards too much because it is the sort of thing that comes up on here regularly.

@Ratisshortforratthew yeah, the clinic I went to wasn’t great either. The OT I saw was lovely but of course there’s not much they can really tell you. I’ll investigate private physios to see if I can find one with the relevant experience.

@AnnieMcFanny thank you for sharing how you’d feel. I think the people who’ve said it’s the feeling of being left out are right. We don’t do a great deal together either so that doesn’t help. The fact I’m limited to what I can do hinders that.

Why can’t he find a man to go running with?

I’ve no idea.

He doesn’t really have many friends outside of work, though he does do a couple of other actitvities with different groups each week.

I think that is a strange question. I can’t imagine selecting a hobby partner on the grounds of sex. I go hillwalking with a male friend, and it would just never occur to me to think ‘Should I ditch P and find a woman to go hillwalking with instead?’

I think it’s a valid question for people who want to protect their marriage. Group activities are different to actively investing quality time in a new activity, one to one with a female friend. Plenty wouldn’t like it

I think that’s the thing - the newness and potential for bonding. I know it probably shouldn’t matter but it just does for some reason. I have read numerous stories on this board that show that is exactly how it started for so many affairs.

I know there’s not really anything I can do about it though - as in I can’t stop him - so I’m going to have deal with feeling uneasy. Or leave.

Incidentally, I asked my good friend how she would feel - she’s normally very level headed - and she said she wouldn’t be happy at all but her husband wouldn’t do it as he would think it inappropriate! I hadn’t wanted to mention it to her at first because I felt a little embarrassed thinking she would tell me not to be silly (because of her usual level headedness), so her reply really surprised me!

Just from another perspective, I used to go out for a lunchtime run at work with a married male colleague (I was not single at the time) but it was literally just someone to run with!!!

Yes also from another perspective, I have a neighbour who runs the same route as me and offered to run with me (I said no as he’s much faster than I am) but I know he unofficially keeps an eye out for me on the route - just for safety reasons. There’s nothing in it at all but obviously you need to reassure yourself. Go along with him to park run.

If you feel insecure then that's how you feel. I'm sure if you spoke to your husband about how you're feeling ihe would reassure you.

I think when you're not feeling great about yourself it can make you think the worse, there's nothing wrong with that or with you. (I've been there) it's better to talk now rather than let it fester and become bigger than it needs to be.

I honestly have no idea what the issue is with this. I also run, I go to a running group, run on my own, and I do our local park run on a weekend. There’s a few from the running group who occasionally do the park run depending on plans/other runs, sometimes there’s 3 or 4 of us men & women doing it, sometimes its been just me and one other person and that person has been a man. We’re going for a 5k run together, with 100 other people, not cheating on our partners

People have different boundaries within marriage, and like your level headed friend said, I and others would find it innapropriate. Would your husband find it innapropriate if you had one on one time bonding with another male doing something together?

I know someone who suffers from bouts of ME, however, in between is a total gym bunny and walks ridiculous mileage in work and socially. Have you had periods of recovery in between? It might not be a forever situation. It has potential to drive you in different directions unless you can keep up with date nights and other common interests that you share.
Cheer him on on the sidelines when he does a park run maybe, it's still being involved.

Couldn’t you go to parkrun with them and either watch or volunteer? It would keep you involved with what he is doing & put your mind at rest that nothing is going on plus getting you involved with social activity as well.

You could go to the Park Run to spectate and cheer them on. Take a folding chair, some snacks etc and set up by the finish line, this will make you feel less left out and also put your mind at rest.

Fwiw I'm female and I find it preferable to have male friends for gym or running because I'm less likely to get hassled! Unfortunately running as a lone female attracts the worst kind of men.

Have you seen park run though? It's likely they're just meeting up briefly and comparing race times afterwards. Most park runs are a big crowd. Many people will arrange to go with a friend just for the motivation to turn up!

this is a tough situation for you OP. Having a chronic illness, especially a “hidden” one like ME, can be a hard thing to manage. And I think I’d probably feel wildly jealous in your shoes. Whilst also knowing that it probably fair on my partner and that I trust them etc. jealousy isn’t always a rational thing.

You said this:
I had thought about talking to him but I can’t think of any way of bringing it up without it sounding like I’m accusing him.

How about if you frame it around about your feelings rather than his actions? Eg you could tell him that you feel like you’re watching your life sail by, about being unwell and all that comes with peri and that sometimes you feel left out when he goes out running (maybe making it clear that it’s still ok that he does this) Ie own your feelings rather than tell him what to do or not to do.

I dunno if that would work for you. But either way, I hope things go ok for you op

This was exactly what I was going to say. Can you drive? Take him and ask if she wants a lift as well.

I’m not sure when you were told this OP, or who told you, but that’s wrong .. exercise is helpful for M.E.

Nope, I trust my husband to have female friends.

Thanks again for all the supportive comments and ideas. He said it isn’t going to be a weekly thing and will probably be every now and then which has made me feel a bit better somehow.

@Whattodo1610 the people that told me this have been numerous and some medical professionals in the field. Even when I went to the specialist M.E. service, graded exercise therapy was still a thing though it wasn’t actually pushed at mine, luckily. Believe me, I tried continuing with exercise, in a way thinking I could just pretend it wasn’t happening to me. I refer you to this information from MEpedia. M.E. is neurological condition with one of its most well known symptoms being post exertional malaise (PEM). PEM can be caused by any activity, both physical and mental. One of the other worst things about having this illness is that is so poorly misunderstood.

Edited to say GET is now no longer recommended by NICE after campaigning by many ME specialists, charities, doctors and patients.

Because his fri Nd who decided they wanted to start running more too happens to be female. It would be ridiculous to say "sorry Penny, I can't run with you, you don't have the penis necessary to thwart my future infidelity!"

I understand completely how ME/CFS works … my daughter suffers with the condition, alongside other conditions. But exercise doesn’t have to be a complete no no - I mentioned it in case you thought/believed/told you couldn’t exercise at all, which may not be the case.

This wouldn’t worry me. He’s not investing time in a friendship. He wanted to start running, she wanted to as well. It would be strange if they didn’t make plans to meet up as it’s an extension of their existing hobby.