My husband supporting ex girlfriend

[Pinkfloyd69]

Sooo not sure where to start in all honesty,
I have been with my husband for 11yrs married for 6yrs,
After a year of being together he told me that he was currently paying the full morgage himself still after a few yrs of separating from his ex girlfriend,
Where his 3 children lived at the time
I felt uncomfortable with the situation but understood it was for his children until they became adults!
They are now 28, 26, 21, & all still live at home with there mum,
So before we were married we had a conversation that was around his home with his ex girlfriend & he said once that when the youngest is at the age of 18 I think he said
Then he would start to consider what to do with the property,
So basically that was neally 4yrs ago,

So one day after constantly thinking sooo what is happening....
But at the same time feeling anxious because is it really any of my buisness
But I am his wife...
And the thought process was slowly getting to me,

So me having a thought process
Now knowing the (morgage is clear & paid in full) by my husband alone,
I decided to look for the deeds to the house that at this point had disappeared 😕
Ok so this is were it now starts to get extremely hard for me...

So on approaching the situation or at least trying too,
I said what's happening to the house
Which he replied nothing...
Apart from leaving it into a trust fund for his 3 adult children

And that because of fees he decided against,
Apparently after a meeting with the ex girlfriend that I knew nothing about! I was like wow ok you have spoken about the house ok,

So I found this out end of April
Ok so now the struggle is real,
She has 6 paying adults living in there home
Including her boyfriend who has lived there for about 3yrs & the boyfriends son,

I honestly cannot get my head round it for the kids now
I just cant
This situation just seems so unfair on us and is putting a huge strain on us
Or more me should I say,
As he seems to be buring the whole thing
Say nothing keep the peace right
From his prospective,

It feels to me as though he is protecting the ex
And now putting her feelings before my own his wife,

If was to mention that it's only fair she re-morgages so my husband has something for his/our future
I would get she can't afford it...
Thats not his problem is it..??
Or his burden to carry...

We have been together 11yrs
And we have not had our honeymoon from being married 6yrs ago,
There is just no effort

But obviously feel as though he's bending over backwards to protect her
It's a 4 bedroom house with a value of at least £360k

I honestly just feel like there's 3 of us in this marriage now
And I feel completely low & cheated
He is aware of this but again nothing had happened since our chat in April & I dont think it will

Different scenario
But my 1st husband of 22yrs had an affair
It ended immediately
This kinda feels the same but diffrent circumstances,
If you know what I mean...

Sorry for the long read
I just need help/advice
As i feel i am hanging on by a thread literally
And feel hurt that he is doing nothing!!
The morgage was clear 2yrs ago I think

I also have a car on finance which is £360 mth,
Finance in hubby's name
I have 2 yrs left of a 4yrs agreement to which I'm reminded most months to transfer soon as im paid
Which i do but obviously the ex
Dosent get asked for anything !!
It's like a punch to the stomach
I'm his wife..n

But this whole thing just seems so so wrong...
Am i being a fool 🤔
Just totally disrespected i think!
I am now resenting him & the whole situation
As i think I'm expected to put up & shut up!
Which i have for a long time
But I feel
Angry, upset, betrayed, disrespected,
I don't know what to do
But I'm certain all all going to come to a head soon

Thankyou for reading
I'd appreciate feedback/honesty
Xxx

He’s paying the rent and council tax! She’s not even close to paying everything.

The reality is that he is married to you. He is living in the council house that's in your name. Your probably paying the majority of the bills. He is asking you for your car payment each month and this has never not gone into his bank account.
You probably been short of money for years because he has been paying a mortgage on a 4 bed house for his ex girlfriend and their 3 kid's

Now you have found out this mortgage is paid off. His ex girlfriend and adult children are living their along with her new boyfriend and his child. His ex girlfriend is not paying rent on this house. She did not buy your husband out of this house either.
You have now discovered all this and he said this house will be his kids house in time.

So you're now in your 50's and he is 57. I think that you need to find out who's owns this house from the land registry. I would then go to a solicitor and get advice re a divorce and see what your legally entitled to. This will enable you to decide what to do next.
If he is no longer paying this mortgage where is all his money going?

What does he think will happen in his future? Does he expect you to work full time to retirement and do without so his ex girlfriend can live rent free in a house he owns?
Does he expect you to provide care for him when he is in 60, 70 or 80's when he could end up in poor physical health or with cognitive decline?

At this stage he needs to realise that unfortunately you not going to put up with this situation. It not your job to sub his life financially or that of his ex girlfriends either. He has not been honest at all with you about this house or his finances.

At least you found out about all this now and you can get more information before deciding what to do next.

I would not be hanging around him to provide him living accommodation, subbing his and his ex girlfriends finances or end up providing his long term care. You need to consider your own income, out goings and long term pension provision as well.

I would also look into buying your council house if possible as you probably get it at a big discount and instead of rent the mortgage payment might not be much more. At least you own this house by the time you retire.

OP were you the other woman? Your DH is going to extreme lengths to do right by his first family and protect the kids inheritance. I wonder if he’s driven by guilt as well as love.

he owns the house WITH the ex gf (mother of his kids with the view that the house is left to his kids). hes paying the rent and council tax on the op council owned house. mn is a weird place. pp are advised not to re marry to protect kids inheritance and here you have a man saving his asset for his kids and pp are going crazy over it.

I'm confused. What do you want him to actually do? Sell the house that his ex lives in?

@StormingNorman from the first post:

I have been with my husband for 11yrs married for 6yrs,
After a year of being together he told me that he was currently paying the full morgage himself still after a few yrs of separating from his ex girlfriend,

so it doesn’t seem like OP is the OW.

You sound very unhappy and disrespected.

See a solicitor so you can envision the divorce scenario. Then decide whether his companionship is worth all of this angst.

I forgot that bit. He is being so scrupulous in making sure his kids don’t lose out financially from the divorce, I feel like there’s more to this story.

Either way, if he doesn’t want to bring the asset into the marriage that’s his decision. He wants to protect it for his kids and is still able to provide for his wife. I’m not sure why there’s so much hate for him.

If I understand your situation correctly, I would say that house has nothing to do with you, OP, and that I think you should keep well out of it.

It's an arrangement he has with his ex and has presumably gone on longer than you've been with him. It is to do with his children's inheritance. He has a duty as a father to provide for his children. Whether or not his ex receives the benefit of living there is neither here nor there.

You said he pulls his weight financially with you, paying your entire rent and council tax.

May I ask what outcome you would like from this, OP?

Disrespectful

IME, involved fathers who've left the family home, for whatever reason, carry tremendous guilt and fear over the fragility of their relationship with their children.

This leads to over compensating, even when the children are adults and they tend to be at their beck and call, practically and financially, much more than parents who lived with their children.

I can see why he's leaving this situation as it is and wants the house to go to DC, especially if you don't have DC together.

It sounds.like you no longer have dependent children? What are you doing for your future security?

The house has been a home for his children all their lives and is now essentially a savings scheme for them to have an inheritance. I don't think you can knock that, if he's been paying his way with you meantime.

This post is evidence of people’s inability to read properly. For those who clearly do not understand the situation let’s lay out a few facts:

OPs husband had 3 children with another woman before they got together. Unlike a lot of men, he provided for that ex and their three children, and fully took on a lot of financial responsiblity, knowing that the raising of those three children would lie mainly with his ex.
so his ex now lives in a house that he has finished paying the mortgage on. He is no longer paying anything towards any mortgage on it, but he is also not seeing it as an asset of his own to do as he pleases with. His intention is to leave it to his ex/ and the children when the time comes, and to not include it as an asset that his new wife will have an access to, or leave any portion of it to her should he die, so he would like it in trust for his ex and kids.
He pays the OPs rent and mortgage on a home I’m assuming as it’s council that she has lifelong tenancy on.
Op would like a better lifestyle and would like him to put his ex into a situation where she does not have the security he has provided her and his children with.
This man should be applauded for doing what he could to give security to an ex he knocked up three times, and the children that belong to him that she has raised when they broke up and he was free to meet and remarry someone else, living independently of his children.

I hope that clears things up.

If I met a man like this I would be proud of him for being an upstanding man in a world full of men who don’t understand how hard it is to raise kids when the parents are seperated, as ordinarily the parent who doesn’t have full parenting duties (usually it’s the father who is able to live/ work more freely)- usually that father is happy to pay the bare minimum that the state would have them pay, which barely touches the sides of the true cost of raising a family and sacrificing your ability to make as much money/ live as freely.

perhaps the OP doesn’t have kids/ should have married a man that doesn’t already have responsibilities?

Is the ex incapable of working? She's hardly alone and broke. She has a partner. Why isn't he involved in supporting her. Is he paying rent?
The dc are adults.

Keeping an asset for them is admirable. The ex? Not so much.

Why are so many adults living off the OPs husband?

Becuase that's what DH wants to do?

If the house was sold, it sounds like he'd split the proceeds between DC, rather than bring them into the marriage anyway.

OP is also living off DH and she's never raised his children, nor does she have dependent children of her own.

OP personally invested nothing into the house that the ex and children live in. Those acting as though when he was paying the mortgage (before it was paid off) that she was somehow losing out, remember she was quids in as he was also paying her rent and council tax, essentially if it had been her property it’s the equivalent to paying her mortgage too- which by the way he is still doing. The guy had 3 kids with the woman, irs entirely his choice how giving he decides to be to his children and the woman that carried them. We don’t know the circumstances of how their relationship ended but I’m sure neither of them had 3 kids with a view to not staying together until they were old. Maybe he wants his kids to have as good and stable a life as if they had indeed stayed together, and to honour the woman that bore them. I find it admirable, and good on him for making good on a previous commitment, even if he cannot commit emotionally or sexually to that woman anymore, that he has upheld a good lifestyle for his children, and made it easier for his ex to mother them without working every hour God sends just to keep a roof over their head. As he owned the house WITH his ex, her half is hers, and I suppose he considers his half to be his children’s. Giving his wife (the original poster) life time enjoyment of the property- surely whoever said that it’s a joke right? You want her to move in with the ex if he dies? She contributed nothing to the property, it was a commitment made before her time, and her husband is now free of the financial burden associated with it, and is now paying of OPs house so she has plenty of cash I assume to live a good life.

sounds like a top notch guy who should be loved even more for his sense of responsibility, care, and obligation to his family and the woman he created that family with, as well as having the exact same attitude towards his current wife who he has no dependants with. He sounds like a very generous, motivated, non materialistic and thoroughly decent individual.

I’m actually a bit in love with him, seriously thanks for restoring some of my faith in men OP

Perhaps they had an agreement that this was his child support? You just don’t know the situation, but all I see is a man being a man, and good on him.

So, if he died, she thinks she will get the money from the house. But surely as you’re married you would get the money - by law. What a situation to be in. Very messy. Regardless of whether you want the money or not!

There's no law to say he has to leave all his estate to his wife.

It might form part of his assets in a divorce situation, but it sounds like there may be a trust type arrangement to avoid that.

Replied to wrong post - sorry - should be bluebird!
Perhaps it’s the secrecy surrounding the conversations with his ex rather than his actions.
I do agree that it is admirable when men look after their families upon separation. In fact it is hugely refreshing. But he shouldn’t be hiding it from his wife in my opinion.

It was just hypothetical as assets would generally go to wife/husband unless something else in place to suggest otherwise.

Like a will where he left the house his first family live in to them?

His ex and adult children should be at the least paying rent each month as he solely owns it and is in effect their landlord.

secondly if you did divorce I’d bet he’d consider selling then or charging them rent which further supports he is putting them on top of you. right now you are also subsidising their rent free living situation at the expense of you not being able to enjoy life.

if you divorced would he be a dick about the car finance? Can you take a loan to cover the settlement and settle it so you are paying it back with no threat of car being repossessed?

It sounds like the only expense OP is covering is the car finance, it's hardly like he's not paying his way.

If he wanted to give his children £££ pm that's his business, if he can afford it.

Why isn't OP contributing more?