My husband supporting ex girlfriend

[Pinkfloyd69]

Sooo not sure where to start in all honesty,
I have been with my husband for 11yrs married for 6yrs,
After a year of being together he told me that he was currently paying the full morgage himself still after a few yrs of separating from his ex girlfriend,
Where his 3 children lived at the time
I felt uncomfortable with the situation but understood it was for his children until they became adults!
They are now 28, 26, 21, & all still live at home with there mum,
So before we were married we had a conversation that was around his home with his ex girlfriend & he said once that when the youngest is at the age of 18 I think he said
Then he would start to consider what to do with the property,
So basically that was neally 4yrs ago,

So one day after constantly thinking sooo what is happening....
But at the same time feeling anxious because is it really any of my buisness
But I am his wife...
And the thought process was slowly getting to me,

So me having a thought process
Now knowing the (morgage is clear & paid in full) by my husband alone,
I decided to look for the deeds to the house that at this point had disappeared 😕
Ok so this is were it now starts to get extremely hard for me...

So on approaching the situation or at least trying too,
I said what's happening to the house
Which he replied nothing...
Apart from leaving it into a trust fund for his 3 adult children

And that because of fees he decided against,
Apparently after a meeting with the ex girlfriend that I knew nothing about! I was like wow ok you have spoken about the house ok,

So I found this out end of April
Ok so now the struggle is real,
She has 6 paying adults living in there home
Including her boyfriend who has lived there for about 3yrs & the boyfriends son,

I honestly cannot get my head round it for the kids now
I just cant
This situation just seems so unfair on us and is putting a huge strain on us
Or more me should I say,
As he seems to be buring the whole thing
Say nothing keep the peace right
From his prospective,

It feels to me as though he is protecting the ex
And now putting her feelings before my own his wife,

If was to mention that it's only fair she re-morgages so my husband has something for his/our future
I would get she can't afford it...
Thats not his problem is it..??
Or his burden to carry...

We have been together 11yrs
And we have not had our honeymoon from being married 6yrs ago,
There is just no effort

But obviously feel as though he's bending over backwards to protect her
It's a 4 bedroom house with a value of at least £360k

I honestly just feel like there's 3 of us in this marriage now
And I feel completely low & cheated
He is aware of this but again nothing had happened since our chat in April & I dont think it will

Different scenario
But my 1st husband of 22yrs had an affair
It ended immediately
This kinda feels the same but diffrent circumstances,
If you know what I mean...

Sorry for the long read
I just need help/advice
As i feel i am hanging on by a thread literally
And feel hurt that he is doing nothing!!
The morgage was clear 2yrs ago I think

I also have a car on finance which is £360 mth,
Finance in hubby's name
I have 2 yrs left of a 4yrs agreement to which I'm reminded most months to transfer soon as im paid
Which i do but obviously the ex
Dosent get asked for anything !!
It's like a punch to the stomach
I'm his wife..n

But this whole thing just seems so so wrong...
Am i being a fool 🤔
Just totally disrespected i think!
I am now resenting him & the whole situation
As i think I'm expected to put up & shut up!
Which i have for a long time
But I feel
Angry, upset, betrayed, disrespected,
I don't know what to do
But I'm certain all all going to come to a head soon

Thankyou for reading
I'd appreciate feedback/honesty
Xxx

Well then she needs to divorce first but she still needs to buy it, she will never get another discount like this ever.

That said I can't see this guy coming for her house can you? Given he didn't with the ex wife....

Married or not he could have taken half of the house....

She can say that he's wrong she likes and that he paid for the full house but he's currently paying for all of hers aswell and she's upset that he wants the car money.... he's not paying for the ex's car is he?

Completely untrue the house is fully paid.... she wants the money and she still wants him to pay her rent.... he's made a big mistake marrying her because she can now demand a quarter of that house. He may well have of loaded it into a trust to protect it for his kids and I can't say I blame him.

Your DH is paying your rent and he his helping his adult children have a home. Once the adult kids all move out perhaps you can revisit the situation but in the meantime I think you're being unreasonable.

What a lot of drama over nothing. It’s got nothing to do with you if he lets every tom, dick and harry live in HIS house for free because it’s not yours and has nothing to do with you.

what do you think he should do with it then? Sell it and kick the kids out and spend the money on holidays ans stuff? That’s ridiculous.

if he’s paying the rent for a house that’s in your name only that’s a pretty good deal for you I’d say.

other than the car what financial responsibilities do you have? Why don’t you pay for a honeymoon if you want one?

Do you have kids op? Does he benefit from living with you? Presumably if you kicked him out he’d have to private rent, that might
make him see his house asset differently!

.

I'm another one not understanding the problem. The mortgage is paid off so no money coming out of your dual income, he pays your rent and council tax, you pay for your own car. Who lives in the house has no effect on your life at all. Why are you taking it as such a big insult?

They are married. I don't know anyone irl who would think it was ok that their husband was financing the living arrangements of 5 other adults, 2 of whom aren't related to him.

Marriage means sharing and bringing together. His dc will get the house he paid for. That's ok. What he earns NOW in a new marriage should be shared with his wife

He's not financing anything. The arrangement takes no money away from the marriage.

😂😂🤣

OP has sticky paws for the mo ey in the ex’s home while her rent is being paid. Do you really think the best outcome here is for her to pay her own bills. Heaven forbid!

OP’s first kid is 30-something - she says that child was born around the time she got the tenancy.

Yabu. It's his house from before your marriage. He's paying his way now you're living together.

Exactly. Unless he has a will stating otherwise…

I agree with PinkFloyd69. You need to speak to a solicitor. This man is using you appallingly. He is intending to leave his house he bought with ex girlfriend to his ex girlfriend not diretly to his DC? I'd ask him to move out while you work out what you want to do about it. If you divorced you'd probably be entitled to some of the money from his house. His DC are adults now. You have been very patient. He is not a nice man.

@Pinkfloyd69 A few questions /points -
What exactly would you like to happen?
Is the reason you've not been on honeymoon is that he's tight with money with you?
I agree that he's a bit foolish allowing umpteen adults to live in his old house but that's up to him.
If you do decide to divorce then you should apply to buy your council house afterwards. You'll then have an asset to leave to your DS.

How can you have a council house when your dh owns a house? I see that the council house is in your name but I don’t see how you have this council house when your dh has a house that you could both live in or sell and buy a new place.

The house his ex girlfriend lives in is an asset of your marriage as owned by him so would be taken into account in a divorce. He needs to understand this. Your council tenancy is safe. Is it in your sole name?

Did you not read the bit that said he is not leaving his half of property directly between his DC but instead leaving it to ex girlfriend. He is a lot older than her so more likely she'll outlive him. What she does with the house will be up to her entirely. He could leave to his DC with ex having lifetime enjoyment to protect their share but he has not done this. He sounds very attached to ex girlfriend to me because of this.

I think it's because he always told OP it was an arrangement until youngest DC is 18. Now youngest DC is 21 and ex girlfriend has a new partner living in this house.

So the house is now paid in full and because the kids are now adults, you would like the ex GF and her boyfriend to buy your DH out by getting a mortgage. Then the funds from the house sale would then go to you and your DH’s future life. Is that correct?

Whereas it looks as if your DH wants the adult kids to keep living there as long as they need it.

Tough one. So many adult kids cannot afford to rent by themselves now and continue to live with their parents as a family unit. Your DH obviously has a very keen sense of responsibility to the kids and does not want to turf them all out, with them all possibly having to split up and live in separate properties.

I understand your emotions about the strong sense of care he is showing to the first family but I also think it’s an arrangement you’ve known about since your first year with him and the economic environment has changed since then. People would struggle to find a secured council house life yours and the commercial rental sector is horrendous.

If the mortgage is paid off, then he's not spending new money on the house.

He is paying rent on the house you both live in.

But you want equity from the paid off mortgage to support you both?

I think it's fair he supported his kids (even now they are adults). I think he should sort it so that he and the kids are on the deeds rather than ex gf.

I think you are being very unreasonable. House is paid off, his kids live there. He's leaving the house to his kids, he's paying his way living with you.Sounds very greedy of you to want some money from the house. He's made a huge mistake marrying you in my opinion.

“so that he and the kids are on the deeds rather than ex gf.”

It is by no means clear that the exGF didn’t contribute to the owned house at some point - whether by way of deposit, mortgage payments or being a SAHM to their three kids.

Again (and OP has not returned) the posts haven’t been clear as to exactly how the house is split.

Don't be so stupid. He is living at her house and she is paying for everything. She deserves better than this.

OP has stated that her DH is paying her rent and council tax.

Maybe hold off on calling other posters stupid?