My husband supporting ex girlfriend

[Pinkfloyd69]

Sooo not sure where to start in all honesty,
I have been with my husband for 11yrs married for 6yrs,
After a year of being together he told me that he was currently paying the full morgage himself still after a few yrs of separating from his ex girlfriend,
Where his 3 children lived at the time
I felt uncomfortable with the situation but understood it was for his children until they became adults!
They are now 28, 26, 21, & all still live at home with there mum,
So before we were married we had a conversation that was around his home with his ex girlfriend & he said once that when the youngest is at the age of 18 I think he said
Then he would start to consider what to do with the property,
So basically that was neally 4yrs ago,

So one day after constantly thinking sooo what is happening....
But at the same time feeling anxious because is it really any of my buisness
But I am his wife...
And the thought process was slowly getting to me,

So me having a thought process
Now knowing the (morgage is clear & paid in full) by my husband alone,
I decided to look for the deeds to the house that at this point had disappeared 😕
Ok so this is were it now starts to get extremely hard for me...

So on approaching the situation or at least trying too,
I said what's happening to the house
Which he replied nothing...
Apart from leaving it into a trust fund for his 3 adult children

And that because of fees he decided against,
Apparently after a meeting with the ex girlfriend that I knew nothing about! I was like wow ok you have spoken about the house ok,

So I found this out end of April
Ok so now the struggle is real,
She has 6 paying adults living in there home
Including her boyfriend who has lived there for about 3yrs & the boyfriends son,

I honestly cannot get my head round it for the kids now
I just cant
This situation just seems so unfair on us and is putting a huge strain on us
Or more me should I say,
As he seems to be buring the whole thing
Say nothing keep the peace right
From his prospective,

It feels to me as though he is protecting the ex
And now putting her feelings before my own his wife,

If was to mention that it's only fair she re-morgages so my husband has something for his/our future
I would get she can't afford it...
Thats not his problem is it..??
Or his burden to carry...

We have been together 11yrs
And we have not had our honeymoon from being married 6yrs ago,
There is just no effort

But obviously feel as though he's bending over backwards to protect her
It's a 4 bedroom house with a value of at least £360k

I honestly just feel like there's 3 of us in this marriage now
And I feel completely low & cheated
He is aware of this but again nothing had happened since our chat in April & I dont think it will

Different scenario
But my 1st husband of 22yrs had an affair
It ended immediately
This kinda feels the same but diffrent circumstances,
If you know what I mean...

Sorry for the long read
I just need help/advice
As i feel i am hanging on by a thread literally
And feel hurt that he is doing nothing!!
The morgage was clear 2yrs ago I think

I also have a car on finance which is £360 mth,
Finance in hubby's name
I have 2 yrs left of a 4yrs agreement to which I'm reminded most months to transfer soon as im paid
Which i do but obviously the ex
Dosent get asked for anything !!
It's like a punch to the stomach
I'm his wife..n

But this whole thing just seems so so wrong...
Am i being a fool 🤔
Just totally disrespected i think!
I am now resenting him & the whole situation
As i think I'm expected to put up & shut up!
Which i have for a long time
But I feel
Angry, upset, betrayed, disrespected,
I don't know what to do
But I'm certain all all going to come to a head soon

Thankyou for reading
I'd appreciate feedback/honesty
Xxx

I do it's my council home I've been a tenant for over 30yrs in my sole name

No my home is council
He owns a house outright with his ex girlfriend

As his house isn’t in trust for his kids, presumably if he died you would inherit half of it?

So is anyone paying your DH any rent for this other home? It sounds like they are living there rent free. They must be having a great time.

While I don’t think it’s unreasonable for your husband to provide a home for his children, I think the fact that he attempted to initially conceal it and then kick the can down the road is a massive red flag.

If he is no longer paying for it, why are YOU paying for the car finance? Where is his money going.

Can you both see a solicitor and see what you can do. I think the best case scenario may be to leave it to the kids once he dies. I cannot see that he would kick ex, her new partner and the various kids out; even if legally he is able to.

The question for you is whether you want to continue to be financially gaslight and subsidising his behaviour.

He is financially supporting his ex girlfriend, his ex girlfriend's boyfriend and his ex girlfriend's son.

Unless he is taking rent from them that he then diverts to you and your family with him then the reality is your shared money is paying for them.

You're married. Your money is shared. This asset is shared. He needs to act like it.

I would be considering serious relationship consequences for this huge breach of trust and material support of another man and their child over me and our family.

There was no divorce - he wasn't married to his ex. Hence OP referring to her as an ex-girlfriend. She was actually his partner and mother of his children - or just an ex girlfriend. And he is prioritising his now grown up children, not her instead of you.

You don't have any shared children. You and your child are in secure housing. His kids should be his priority. He probably doesn't want them homeless which is what would happen if he forced the sale of the house. He's actually being quite a decent father.

Yeah I don't understand your pov here op.

Your projecting your feelings about your relationship generally onto this house situation.

Maybe talk to him about the fact you feel lonely and not prioritised and leave the house out of it.

Are you suffering financially in some way because he has a house he wants to leave his kids?

Not relevant, but why have you written your post like a poem?

You’re obviously very upset with the current situation but why didn’t you discuss this in more detail before you got married? You’d been with him for 5 years by that point. I think that your biggest problem is your inability to communicate with your husband about what you want from this relationship.

I also think you’ve been a bit remiss by not taking more control over your own financial affairs. Did you ever consider or discuss buying your council house? Were you expecting to move into your husband’s other house at some point?

What pension arrangements do you have in place for retirement?

It’s about time you started thinking about your future and you need to sit down with your DH and have a proper direct conversation with him. Tell him how you feel and what you want from him. Ask him how he plans to fund your future together inc. retirement.

If you’re happy to have sex with someone and marry them, discussing money issues in great detail should be as essential as deciding what to eat for dinner or where to go on holiday.

You need to sit down and talk about finances and your wills so that you know exactly where you stand. Only then can you make a decision. You need to be careful as you could end up in a financial pickle, if he is leaving his half to ex girlfriend I would not be happy at all and even more so if her partner is there rent free ... madness. I understand that he might want to leave his share to his children as I'm in a similar position and will leave my half of our house to DC with husband having right to stay here until death ... as I can't risk any new partner or their children getting what I have worked for all my life.
If he hasn't made a will, you will get his half of the house as his wife.

OP you are not a fool.

Just a lovely person who has tried to do her best.

Your DP though is a cocklodger of the highest order. He pays you no rent so in essence, you have been contributing to his house as he is free now to pay the mortage for ex girlfriend and adult children to live rent free.

Your future looks like nurse with a purse for this cocklodger. So you will look after him and meanwhile ex GF in the wings waiting for the property.

You deserve better. He can move with Ex GF and kids until he finds something else.

You sound a lovely person and you deserve to be treated like a queen. I would LTB and look to a future where you do you and not deal with this man's mess.

He should have discussed all this with you YEARS ago!
I understand if he wants to make sure that his children get all his assets. The trouble is that it's at your expense. He's gone about it in a pretty stupid way. It sounds like where his ex is concerned he's a coward.
You are destined to stay renting a council house while his ex goes on lovely holidays with her family.
And that car that you say is yours? It's in his name! Why did you allow this?
And before anyone jumps on me no there's nothing wrong with living in a council house, and I really hope that the new government will get more built.
It's just the contrast. He thinks that you're ok as you are, he doesn't get that you've been waiting for years for him to sort this out. Or he's stuck his head in the sand.
I'm so sorry OP, it sounds like you've just woken up to what's going on and it's really shaken you. But after all this time it's even harder to insist he does something about it, without divorcing him and claiming your half of the assets.

Why is the finance for your car in his name ?
could you not get finance yourself ?

as if you do divorce the car becomes an asset of his, and you would be entitled ? to 50/50 of it.

Not sure why you went looking for the deeds of his house ?
are you hoping / expecting for 50/50 of that house if you divorce ?

If he has arranged for it to be in the children's names - why not ?
you never lived in it, you didn't pay towards the mortgage
and if the children are happy for their mum to live in their house - why not ?

why have neither of you made the effort to arrange a honeymoon ?

What's the issue with exgf & 5 other working adults paying your dh rent? Even £600 pm would only be £100 each.
That would be a nice sum to put away for a joint pension. Wouldn't then feel like such a p!$$ take.

I could understand it if the two of you also owned your own house, but seems madness to be renting while he's letting his ex and her new bf and child to live in a house he owns rent free (and to some extent his own adult children as well).

He did the decent thing of housing his ex and pre adult kids outright like that - could easily have just walked away/kicked her out and paid the minimum maintenance.

Definitely download a copy of the land registry title docs and check he really owns it solely. Wouldn't surprise me if his ex was jointly on the title.

As the kids are now adults, is there any need to put it into trust for them - couldn't he just gift it to them directly now? Ironically, doing that might potentially fall foul of deprivation of assets rules for care home fees in the future. It almost sounds like he's kept the house as a form of insurance against your marriage failing. Not sure how that would go down with his ex and her new bf if he decided to move back in there! Must already be over crowded with that many of them in a 4 bed house?

@Pinkfloyd69 -i am not sure why you are somehow testing your H - and why in your head he needs to prove his commitment to you in this way.
Years ago he left his then partner and three kids. (Presumably for you)
He did a decent thing and supported his kids - so that they grow up in their home.
Those kids still live there. Just because they are adults now does not mean the history has not happened.

Plus - if he paid the mortgage instead Child Maintenance - morally he doesn't have a claim on his share. Even IF he does legally.

I don't know what is happening in your relationship. I do not understand why you seem so threatened by the Ex. It is very clear that you have a decent father (a rare bread of men these days) - and he wants to help his kids. As is his right.

Frankly - you sound grabby with your demands of claiming a share of his place.
But of course - if you file for divorce - technically half of that house can be argued are your marital assets.

You can make his kids homeless - if that js what you want.

I’m starting to get a bit confused by this thread. I thought that op said that her dh pays the rent and bills for where they live. Although the rental is in her name only. But then a poster has said he’s a cf, living rent free. Do you work op, assets, savings?

Whatever you do @Pinkfloyd69 , hang on to your council house tenancy. It's your secure home.

There's something very wrong with your husband's thinking about your marriage.
Your car loan is in his name so the car is essentially his. He nags you each month to pay him the loan money, when you always do anyway.
He only told you when you'd been married for a whole year that he was paying the entire mortgage on the house his ex girlfriend lives in. That's incredibly dishonest.
He had a meeting with the ex when the mortgage ended to decide what to do. The outcome that she gets to live rent free and mortgage free in the house he paid for. He didn't tell you this.
You have had no honeymoon, and from the way you say it that's because he can't be bothered.

All this doesn't paint a good picture. He doesn't seem to have much thought about his wife. Of course as a father it was right that he supported his kids, but they have been adults for years. And he's also providing a free home for his ex's boyfriend and his son! At the same time as reminding his own wife to pay him the car loan money. Something isn't right here.

Where is his money going now he has no mortgage? Does he pay a decent share of the rent?

Time for a very frank discussion about the future. A husband shouldn't be like this, treating his ex girlfriend as though she was another wife, and discussing finances with her while keeping his actual wife in the dark.

@MMmomDD Right there in the OP
After a year of being together he told me that he was currently paying the full morgage himself still after a few yrs of separating from his ex girlfriend,
So when she had been with him one year, he had already been separated from his ex for a few years. So he can't have left the ex for the OP. Why would you assume that he did?
OP doesn't seem grabby to me. This man didn't even tell her, until they'd been together for years, that he was paying the entire mortgage for his ex. And now the house is paid for she's still there rent free. It seems reasonable to expect her husband and his ex to come to a fairer arrangement than that.

This is quite confusing.

I think the DH has taken out a loan for the car that is a personal loan rather than car finance. Presumably because he had a better credit rating than OP. When he makes the monthly loan repayments he asks her for the funds. But the car is in her name - if she stops paying him, I don’t think he has a legal claim to it (other than as an asset of the marriage)

My understanding from OP’s post is that DH pays rent and council tax on Op’s council home. Whether that is all the rent, and she covers other bills, or part of the rent, I don’t know.

Separately, he owns half a house with his ex GF, which is also the house where his adult children live. Depending on whether he and the ex are joint tenants or tenants in common, this asset may pass to her on his death or may be giftable to the children. That point can be discovered.

None of the adult children or the ex GF’s partner are paying rent to DH. They may of course be paying rent to the ex GF or covering bills.

If the DH wants to have rent paid on his half of the house by his adult children, he should seek it from them. As the GF owns half, it is less reasonable to seek rent from her and her partner.

I think the DH should have been more honest but his financial behaviour seems more about his kids than his ex, he is paying his way in the current house, and it is common now for 20 somethings to remain at home.

but seems madness to be renting

OP has a secure tenancy in a council house. This can be passed on to spouse or child so not madness to keep this up.

Different if commercial rent.

@FictionalCharacter 💯 spot on!

@FictionalCharacter - ok, he didnt leave the mother of his 3 children for the OP, but he did leave his kids. And clearly felt guilty and wanted to make sure he provides for them.
It is a GOOD thing.

OP has her place. The man in question pays OP’s rent and council tax. Why should OP’s insecurity about his commitment outweigh everything?????

GF owns half of the house. She lives there on that basis. OP’s H owns half of the house and is letting his grown up children live there. We do not know their circumstances, but it is not an uncommon situation.

It is NOT about OP’s H somehow prioritising his ex - it is about his kids. OP choses to make it about exGF and seems intent on exploding the relationship.

While - interestingly - OP also lives in her house ‘rent-free’ - as the H pays rent.
OP does seem grabby - as she even complains about having to pay for her own car.

God why don’t people read properly.

He's not a cock lodger. He’s paying OPs rent and council tax! He’s supporting her and providing for her enough don’t you reckon? OP sees extra cash and a better lifestyle in the house he own, and she wants a piece of it. If he wasn’t paying her rent and council tax, then fair enough I would think it’s not about the money, it’s about him providing for his ex and living rent free off original poster but that’s not what’s happening is it?

It seems op partner and his ex have an agreement that that property will be inherited by their children, therefore it is not to be divided down the middle and shared around with other partners. If I was OP I would sincerely respect the man who did that. I’m assuming his ex is paying all the bills on the home, and as the mortgage is paid off already there’s nothing coming out of her partners pocket anymore. He’s made an investment for his kids future by the look of it. Good for him. You should let them deal with things how they want for their children. My exes girlfriend would always get in the way of his provision for our daughter and it was a nightmare. Thankfully he got to a point where enough was enough, and she’s in her best behaviour now. I’ve never understood new partners getting in the way of coparenting, especially when it is a business style arrangement that has the best emotional outcome for the children involved. They may be grown up, but they have two sensible parents it seems, who want the best for their future. Focus on your own investments OP, you must have loads of spare cash now that hubby is paying all your rent and bills.