My husband supporting ex girlfriend

[Pinkfloyd69]

Sooo not sure where to start in all honesty,
I have been with my husband for 11yrs married for 6yrs,
After a year of being together he told me that he was currently paying the full morgage himself still after a few yrs of separating from his ex girlfriend,
Where his 3 children lived at the time
I felt uncomfortable with the situation but understood it was for his children until they became adults!
They are now 28, 26, 21, & all still live at home with there mum,
So before we were married we had a conversation that was around his home with his ex girlfriend & he said once that when the youngest is at the age of 18 I think he said
Then he would start to consider what to do with the property,
So basically that was neally 4yrs ago,

So one day after constantly thinking sooo what is happening....
But at the same time feeling anxious because is it really any of my buisness
But I am his wife...
And the thought process was slowly getting to me,

So me having a thought process
Now knowing the (morgage is clear & paid in full) by my husband alone,
I decided to look for the deeds to the house that at this point had disappeared 😕
Ok so this is were it now starts to get extremely hard for me...

So on approaching the situation or at least trying too,
I said what's happening to the house
Which he replied nothing...
Apart from leaving it into a trust fund for his 3 adult children

And that because of fees he decided against,
Apparently after a meeting with the ex girlfriend that I knew nothing about! I was like wow ok you have spoken about the house ok,

So I found this out end of April
Ok so now the struggle is real,
She has 6 paying adults living in there home
Including her boyfriend who has lived there for about 3yrs & the boyfriends son,

I honestly cannot get my head round it for the kids now
I just cant
This situation just seems so unfair on us and is putting a huge strain on us
Or more me should I say,
As he seems to be buring the whole thing
Say nothing keep the peace right
From his prospective,

It feels to me as though he is protecting the ex
And now putting her feelings before my own his wife,

If was to mention that it's only fair she re-morgages so my husband has something for his/our future
I would get she can't afford it...
Thats not his problem is it..??
Or his burden to carry...

We have been together 11yrs
And we have not had our honeymoon from being married 6yrs ago,
There is just no effort

But obviously feel as though he's bending over backwards to protect her
It's a 4 bedroom house with a value of at least £360k

I honestly just feel like there's 3 of us in this marriage now
And I feel completely low & cheated
He is aware of this but again nothing had happened since our chat in April & I dont think it will

Different scenario
But my 1st husband of 22yrs had an affair
It ended immediately
This kinda feels the same but diffrent circumstances,
If you know what I mean...

Sorry for the long read
I just need help/advice
As i feel i am hanging on by a thread literally
And feel hurt that he is doing nothing!!
The morgage was clear 2yrs ago I think

I also have a car on finance which is £360 mth,
Finance in hubby's name
I have 2 yrs left of a 4yrs agreement to which I'm reminded most months to transfer soon as im paid
Which i do but obviously the ex
Dosent get asked for anything !!
It's like a punch to the stomach
I'm his wife..n

But this whole thing just seems so so wrong...
Am i being a fool 🤔
Just totally disrespected i think!
I am now resenting him & the whole situation
As i think I'm expected to put up & shut up!
Which i have for a long time
But I feel
Angry, upset, betrayed, disrespected,
I don't know what to do
But I'm certain all all going to come to a head soon

Thankyou for reading
I'd appreciate feedback/honesty
Xxx

Kindly OP but he has one he'll of a mug made of you.
His ex living like a queen and you being pressured by him for a car payment?
Clear to see where his priority and loyalty is.
Your home has been very convenient for him.
Divorce him and get every penny you can.

@Greydays10

The Ex of OP’s H is living with the THREE kids she raised for years. While he left.
This hardly living like a queen.

He is provided his kids with a house they will inherit. Wont change the damage he did by abandoning them.

OP has her rent and tax paid. And - poor her - she needs to pay for her own car….

The husband is paying your bills and rent, you don't have any kids together, so it's not as if he's leaving you destitute. He's looking after his kids and making sure they had a secure home. Maybe there's a reason why he tells you so little. I agree with others PP, I think you sound grabby. It's great to read a father looking after his kids and putting them first. Some of these threads could make me cry, with the amt of fathers not giving a shit about their kids. Be proud of your husband and stop focusing on money.

Does he own the house outright? If so it’s time to sell it. His kids are grown up. They can move out. His ex can rent somewhere. He can put the money into savings. He could also rent the house out.

I read the thread a couple of times so must have missed it, where did it say the the OP’s husband left his ex and kids and has abandoned the children?

You are spectacularly missing the point.
The OP doesn't want the house. She wants to not live in a tough financial state BECAUSE he is paying the full mortgage on a house that his 3 adult dc, his ex girlfriend and her partner all live in for free.

The OP is his WIFE. Why is he supporting 5 adults above his wife?

The kids can have the house. She just wants him to stop financing these 5 people

Divorce him and force sale of the house. Take half.

@Nickyknockynoo

OP’s H clearly at some point, prior to meeting OP left his GF with who he had fathered three children. In my world view - this counts as ‘abandoning’ his children.

Families fall apart. Sure. Happens all the time.
But he did first chose to have three kids.

You can say - maybe his GF kicked him out.
Also possible. But not very likely in that scenario he’s be willingly paying for his kids for years. It’s clear he is doing it out of love/guilt.

And to everyone here saying he needs to kick out his kids out of their family home - so he can provide a better lifestyle to his W of 6 years…. Seriously??!!!!
Maybe OP needs to get a better paying job so she can afford a holiday she wants…
just a thought

That's not legally correct. If they own it as joint tenants exgf will get half when he dies. If they own as tenants in common you as his wife get half of his share and his kids get half of his share between them. Unless he has a will stipulating it goes to the kids.

Did he actually set up a trust fund? If so, it should have been before you were married, if you were married then it would be part of marital assets.

Listen, no 1 go and see a solicitor. Find out the ownership and legal status of the house and your marital assets.

1. Get your ducks in a row. Change the locks on your council house and put his stuff outside.

It must be an awful awful shock and I'm so sorry you're going through this.

He pays the rent and council tax. So not a cocklodger and OP hasn’t been subsiding the mother of his children at all. He’s been paying the rent and a mortgage.

Perhaps as taxpayers we are all subsidising this family?!?

A spouse doesn’t inherit if the will specifies otherwise, and I wouldn’t be surprised if he has thought about that given he wants the property to go to his children.

Fuck me, you’re savage!

Why is he paying to house 3 ADULT dc and an ex girlfriend and the ex girlfriend's partner.

Anyone thinking this is ok is barking

He isn’t paying now. The mortgage is paid off.

The OP initially stated that he was paying the full mortgage but later comments indicate he and the ex-GF own the house jointly. So that part is somewhat unclear.

@letsgoooo

He already paid off the house. And he simply wants his children to inherit it - rather than take the money and give it to OP so she can have a honeymoon and nicer stuff.

Why on earth should his new W of a few years have a chunk of that?

I have a house on my name. I also want it to go to my kids. If I marry my bf - there is no way i’ll disinherit my kids.

’Barking’ is thinking that thinking he needs to kick out his adult kids from their home just because OP wants nicer lifestyle.

also - it is the OP whose name is on the secure council tenancy. If they split up, she has secure housing (albeit needing to pay the rent) and he does not. It’s not all in his favour here.

His Ex's boyfriend has rightly landed on his feet, his son and himself living in a morgage free house paid for by his girlfriends old boyfriend.
You couldn't make it up.
Of course it was reasonable to see his children houses but now there are two extra people effectively living off him and YOU!
That he hasn't brought you on honeymoon is so poor.

“That he hasn't brought you on honeymoon is so poor.”

OP has not been specific why this hasn’t happened.

OP lives in her house rent free because he pays? She is his WIFE and he lives there too!

@Pinkfloyd69 but technically, on paper, the car also belongs to him because he pays for it. whose name is on the v8 form from the dvla??? someone had the good idea of going after the house! please try that. it is a matrimonial asset and the ex girlfriend has no claim to his assets now.

That house was never yours to have and you should not see it that way.

He is being loyal to his children and you have a roof over your head.

Even if the house is worth 360k after all this time I bet they only bought it for much less - so in reality he probably hasn’t paid that much

On the plus side he pays your rent and council tax? Isn’t that and the fact he loves you not enough?

Do you own a house with him? Are you both paying for it or just him?

Your basicly asking him to sell the kids home with them it.... your being unreasonable and unless your destitute and really need the money I think your being unreasonable. None of it is for the wife. It's for his kids

That said I think it's reasonable of him to ask the wife for a rental income for his half of the house.

You should use your right to buy and buy your home... you will get an absolutely huge discount so will probably be the same amount as your rent. I would advise you to apply straight away. You likely won't even need a deposit due to the discount being used as deposit. Your still young enough for a longish mortgage.

Not a good idea.If she then divorces she loses the house.

It is absolute madness you can get an absolutely huge discount on this property. I think possibly she wants this money to buy the house she has?

The point is she can do both, she can buy this house he's paying the rent on and it will likely only cost the same amount or less than the current rent.... she has a preserved right to buy this house....

OP reach a compromise and ask him to ask the wife for a rental income. It will be taxable but at least your marriage will be seeing some income from the asset, it's actually more beneficial for him to do this than sell now for a lump sum. If the deeds have disappeared though he may have signed it over you will need to check.