Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

"The sex was amazing"

112 replies

InLoveWithGermanFilmStar · 06/07/2024 08:06

Been together 7 years. Both 60s, retired, children grown, grandchildren (him). We spend about 4 nights a week together, but have our own homes and neither of us wants to live together permanently or marry. We hang out, we travel quite a lot, get on great. It works for us.

Last Sunday we'd had a lovely day, cooked together, had quite a few drinks, and started chatting about exes.

His ex before me was 20 years younger. They were together about 18 months but she ended it because she wanted to get married and he didn't. He said "The sex was amazing ".

I can't get this out of my head. It's all I can think about, even though my rational side accepts that we all have pasts at our age. He can't understand why I'm so upset - doesn't think saying this is a big deal.

AIBU? How do I get past this?

OP posts:
lastgreat · 06/07/2024 08:08

I think this is the danger when you talk about ex relationships. It's a detail you didn't really need to know.

MiddleagedBeachbum · 06/07/2024 08:10

But what’s wrong with saying that?
Not nice to hear, I agree. But I’ve have fantastic sex with lots of my exes and plan to have much more amazing sex in the future!
Perhaps focus on making your own sex life amazing if you don’t feel it is?

Feelingmentallyunsettled · 06/07/2024 08:10

Who thought it was a good idea to start talking about Exes? It was bound to end in upset.
Having said that it was quite a pointedly hurtful thing for him to say to you. Does he normally enjoy putting you in your place?

Poolstream · 06/07/2024 08:16

Well presumably 20 year younger ex hadn’t had dc.
It’s a fact that younger bodies have better muscle tone and pre dc even better.
Sex is different for women in their 20’s/30’s but not necessarily better.

Personally I would respond with well yes and if I had a male partner 20 years younger I’m sure the sex would be amazing for me.
That will give him something to think about.

Seaoftroubles · 06/07/2024 08:18

In relationships some things from your past are definitely best not shared. He can't unsay it now but if they were truly compatible they'd still be together and that obviously isn't the case. Hopefully it was a thoughtless comment and not one designed to make you feel you 'must try harder'.

MoreNancy · 06/07/2024 08:47

I wouldn't be able to get that out of my head either.

He should have gained enough life experience to know that sharing that was an over-share. I call this type of over-share a spiteful overshare but in this case not sure that is quite right. It feels like negging. It really wouldn't sit well with me at all. Neither would talking about ex partners/lovers in this kind of detail - I haven't done that kind of thing since my twenties (fifties now), seems quite immature. I certainly haven't discussed or mentioned the amazing sex I had with a man 16 years my senior when I was in my twenties with my husband (now of 24 years)!

Hopefully it is just a one-off thoughtless comment. If not them he will almost certainly do something similar in the future and then you'll know it is who he is.

Lovemusic82 · 06/07/2024 09:07

Totally understand why you are upset. I am in a new relationship and we both talked openly about ex’s and he also said “the sex was amazing” with someone he was with. It’s kind of made me feel like I won’t ever be as good as here and I’m actually finding it hard to DTD with him. It’s something I would never say to anyone else……yes I have had amazing sex with someone but why would I share that with a new partner? He overstepped the line.

cupcaske123 · 06/07/2024 09:16

It was a very insensitive thing to say OP and he shouldn't have said it. Have you brought it up with him? It might be an idea to have an open conversation about your feelings and how hurt you are. Is he normally so insensitive?

Rondel · 06/07/2024 09:20

It was pretty tactless. Tell him so.

Sceptical123 · 06/07/2024 09:20

You’ve addressed it and he can’t understand why you’re upset. I am almost 100% sure if you brought up an ex and told him the sex was amazing he would not have been happy about it - much less so if that man had been 20 years younger than him. He can’t see why you’re upset bc he’s selfish and sees things only from his perspective. He obv felt comfortable enough in your relationship to divulge that info - it was something he wanted to do so he did it. He didn’t give a single thought as to how it would affect you and I’m sure he’s annoyed you’re giving him grief about it. You were meant to smile/laugh/be impressed/accept. That is all.

Sounds like a thoughtless twat.

Greydays10 · 06/07/2024 09:26

Don't blame you OP.
I would get the Ick and take a break.
He is a moron and if he can't understand that, then you really are wasting your time.

Time for space.

lacefan · 06/07/2024 09:26

I agree with you OP- it's fine to discuss exes when the topic comes up on occasion but not every single thought needs to be verbalised out loud. There is some editing that should happen between your brain and your mouth that takes into account sensitivity to your partner's feelings.

Eg imagine if you said about an ex "he had an enormous penis - biggest I've ever seen, it was incredible!"- I highly doubt he would be thinking in that moment "yay- thats wonderful, good for you, I am so glad you got to experience that!".

Some things you dont need to say out loud and this is one of them. I am not surprised you are thinking about it. Maybe you should say what I suggested above and see if he still thinks its "no big deal"?

NessasBoots · 06/07/2024 09:29

Well, I don't like the sound of your partner. If you'd only known him a while, I'd be saying look elsewhere.

But, TBF, I re read your op and the first paragraph definitely makes it seem like a convenient friendship.

Choochoo21 · 06/07/2024 09:31

You should never tell your new partner how great the sex was with an ex.
Its an unwritten rule.

I assume he was just clumsy and didn’t mean to hurt you, so I would just try and move on from it.

ChopSue · 06/07/2024 09:32

One thing I learnt long ago, jealousy can feed on details.

I don’t ask and don’t divulge.

Saying that was insensitive and immature. How would he like it if you said your ex was hung like a donkey and you never had it so good since? (In fact, I hope you told him your ex was hung like a donkey and you never had it so good since).

🐴

Loubelle70 · 06/07/2024 09:33

Tbh itd put me off.
As we get older, inevitably we talk about previous relationships...but...we leave stuff like that out. We are mature about it.
I think this was just a brag thing on his behalf. The sex wasnt that good for her though if she scarpered...or she realized what she had done...he was too old for her. Hes fibbing about the reason to protect his ego lol.
His need to brag about it would really turn me off, because some info can be omitted and hes knows that.
Watch him...could be suggested that hes trying it on psychologically with you.

lilacnapkin · 06/07/2024 09:36

Oh my gosh, he's a complete twat, why on earth would you say something like that to your current partner-what did he hope to achieve from saying it apart from making you feel rubbish?

I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to forget this, it would be in my head all the time now and it's 100% his fault. It would just be a huge turn off for me and really give me the ick. It would also make me feel self conscious during sex as then I'd be wondering if he was mentally comparing us so I honestly think I'd end it. He planted a seed of doubt in your mind and he is now reaping the consequences I'm afraid. Dickhead.

Loubelle70 · 06/07/2024 09:36

Lovemusic82 · 06/07/2024 09:07

Totally understand why you are upset. I am in a new relationship and we both talked openly about ex’s and he also said “the sex was amazing” with someone he was with. It’s kind of made me feel like I won’t ever be as good as here and I’m actually finding it hard to DTD with him. It’s something I would never say to anyone else……yes I have had amazing sex with someone but why would I share that with a new partner? He overstepped the line.

I am dubious about these men saying these things. I may be paranoid but i think its so you constantly try to please him in the bedroom and out, its a selfish act. We do compare ourselves at times, men know this. Its insensitive..but possibly its mind games from him.

Loubelle70 · 06/07/2024 09:37

lilacnapkin · 06/07/2024 09:36

Oh my gosh, he's a complete twat, why on earth would you say something like that to your current partner-what did he hope to achieve from saying it apart from making you feel rubbish?

I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to forget this, it would be in my head all the time now and it's 100% his fault. It would just be a huge turn off for me and really give me the ick. It would also make me feel self conscious during sex as then I'd be wondering if he was mentally comparing us so I honestly think I'd end it. He planted a seed of doubt in your mind and he is now reaping the consequences I'm afraid. Dickhead.

Absolutely me too xxx

WoozieWoo · 06/07/2024 09:39

How thoughtless of him.

Why would he say that?

Yes you were talking about exs but can't he understand boundaries and that taking it into sexual territory would be hurtful and inappropriate??

What other outcome could there be from saying that other than you being hurt?? Did he think you were going to invite her to your bed?

He sounds like an thoughtless idiot.

DaisyChain505 · 06/07/2024 09:39

Look back on your ex’s and precious lovers. I’m sure if someone asked you, you would be able to give compliments to some of them and there would have been partners that you had passionate amazing sex with. Just because you had that previously doesn’t tarnish what you feel for your current partner. It just is what it is.

lilacnapkin · 06/07/2024 09:40

Loubelle70 · 06/07/2024 09:37

Absolutely me too xxx

Show quote history

Right? I wouldn't even care if they did have amazing sex, we all have pasts and thats ok. It's the fact he SAID it out loud and now it cant be un-said.

He's made it a "thing" now and it's completely understandable that you'd be thinking about it. urgh.

itsmylife7 · 06/07/2024 09:42

lastgreat · 06/07/2024 08:08

I think this is the danger when you talk about ex relationships. It's a detail you didn't really need to know.

Exactly the above.

I've never ever discussed any past sexual relationships with my husband.

Just why would anyone want this information.

It's never going to end well once this happens.

KnickerlessParsons · 06/07/2024 09:42

Maybe it was. But not amazing enough to stay with her.
He's chosen to be with you now, and is obviously happy enough with the sex to stay with you.
There is more to a relationship than good sex

Moonlitwalk · 06/07/2024 09:49

I think this was just a brag thing on his behalf. The sex wasnt that good for her though if she scarpered...or she realized what she had done...he was too old for her. Hes fibbing about the reason to protect his ego lol

I suspect this too- he's lying to protect his ego. Maybe it was good for him but clearly not that compelling for her 😆

This sounds like a brag to me, less about the actual sex and more a way for him to soothe his battered ego for her leaving him.