"The sex was amazing"

[InLoveWithGermanFilmStar]

Been together 7 years. Both 60s, retired, children grown, grandchildren (him). We spend about 4 nights a week together, but have our own homes and neither of us wants to live together permanently or marry. We hang out, we travel quite a lot, get on great. It works for us.

Last Sunday we'd had a lovely day, cooked together, had quite a few drinks, and started chatting about exes.

His ex before me was 20 years younger. They were together about 18 months but she ended it because she wanted to get married and he didn't. He said "The sex was amazing ".

I can't get this out of my head. It's all I can think about, even though my rational side accepts that we all have pasts at our age. He can't understand why I'm so upset - doesn't think saying this is a big deal.

AIBU? How do I get past this?

sorry if I missed it, are you intimate? any sex? trying to understand your upset.

Which is not what you wrote. So yes it’s different.

Thoughtless and tactless.

Honestly — who cares how it was? Why centre yourself in his past sexual experiences? If it was so perfect, he’d still be with her having amazing sex.

I’d be glad a partner felt comfortable enough to share that with me, if I didn’t think he or she was doing it to be weird or manipulative—just sharing.

It was thoughtless. But if you are so sensitive about that kind of thing perhaps you need to think again if he is the right one for you.

You really shouldn't have let him know you're upset. Dwell on it yes, but keep it to yourself and chin up etc.

He literally said sex with his most recent ex was "amazing" but sure, tell the OP she's being "extreme". Almost everyone in this thread agreed it was insensitive and hurtful and if it has hurt her and he brushed it off as "no big deal" then he isnt being caring or kind at all.

I agree with this. I've had some amazing sex with previous partners but I dont tell my current one that because I'm not an idiot! He may also have had amazing sex with exes too but I dont want to hear about it thanks.

It brings absolutely nothing healthy to our relationship to discuss it.

Because he wasn't talking about life experiences in general, he was being specific about a former serious relationship. "Sex with Jane was fantastic!" Surely you can see how that might just sting a little bit for his current partner of 7 years. It would with most women and men too.

Erm... ignore this one OP 😂

But you’ve been together 7 years, OP.

Yes, this was tactless of him but men, in my experience, do periodically say completely the wrong thing in a way most women just don’t - we know something would hurt us if said and we don’t say it.

But from what you say, this is one crass remark against 7 years of what sounds like a very successful and contented relationship. Isn’t that what you weigh this thoughtless statement against? And when you do that, does this thoughtless statement still obliterate everything good that’s gone before? Surely your relationship - if it’s as good as you suggest - need not be shattered by one crass comment!

"His ex before me was 20 years younger. They were together about 18 months but she ended it because she wanted to get married and he didn't. He said "The sex was amazing "."

Translation

1. He was/is obsessed with getting a younger woman.
2. He was more seriously into her than her him....Unless he's super-rich with a dodgy heart, I expect the marriage idea came from him and she dumped him, after having let him take her out for dinner and chase her and pay for dates.
3. He's now negging you and giving you the ick. He'll probably have a story about how the 25 year old shop assistant was trying to seduce him next.

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply. It has been really helpful.

To answer a couple of questions - this came out as part of a general lighthearted chat about life not an argument, and yes we do have sex and he is very attentive and makes sure I'm satisfied. Drink had been taken and TBH I don't think it would have been something he would have said stone cold sober. It's just that now he HAS said it, I feel like a second class citizen.

I told him tonight that what was said can't be unsaid, and that perhaps we should take a break. He was genuinely upset about this and says he's very happy with our relationship and doesn't want this to change anything between us. But from my perspective it HAS changed things.

So I either get my big girl pants on and try and forget it and move forwards, or walk away from him. I do love him and I am devastated at the thought of not having him in my life. But at the moment this is hanging over me like a dark cloud and I'm not sure I will ever not feel second best.

I think you handled this right. You were right to spell out that you felt thrown by the statement, and to take some time to think about the relationship. At this age we’ve all been round the block a few times and have had great, terrible and indifferent sex, but it’s best left unspoken. It’s inelegant and indiscreet to discuss sex with a previous partner.

This..

I think you're right to be annoyed, it was out of order for him to say that. How would he have liked it if you had said this to him.
I had the best sex if my life with someone 9 years younger than me but no way would I ever tell someone I'm dating this , I would tell a friend yes, but not someone I was romantically involved with unless I wanted to hurt them somehow.
And if he didn't say it in a negging way then he is very insensitive and lacks emotional intelligence

He's shot himself in the foot.

He's done a Ratners !

You don't tell a woman in her sixties that you had a twenty year younger woman for a start and then to admit it was amazing sex.

How could you not feel hurt.
He's a fool if he did love you.

I reckon this ex of his was young, fit and wanted to marry him for the security, maybe he couldn't give her that due to inheritances, I've seen many second relationships fall at that hurdle.
He's telling you he settled due to circumstance, if it wern't for her wanting to marry he would still be with her.

I'm seeing so much more cruelty in this statement than just the comparison of sex and age.

He's taking you for granted and not appreciating you or the union.

You were both drunk. Your were both talking about exes. He said he had amazing sex in the past and this is now the cause of a potential breakdown of your 7 year relationship?

This seems so odd.

Something's are better left unsaid.

You deserve better and more respect after 7 years.

Really confused by the responses on here. "Amazing sex" is not a zero sum game. Experiencing "amazing sex" with one person does not preclude having "amazing sex" with a current or future partner.

Why is everyone so defensive?

Been wondering the same thing.

I have an ironclad policy of not discussing past relationships. But if one is going to engage in that, it would be strange to expect only negative commentary, especially after a few drinks.

This.👐

He wasn't a monk before you, we are all allowed to have had awesome experiences before our current partners.

Nothing to feel insecure over.

Well quite, but you’d have to be either incredibly thick or a total arsehole to tell your current partner how amazing sex was with someone else!

It would make me feel self conscious too op.

Don't get hung up on this. You've been together 7 years and sound compatible and happy. He's told you something about a relationship that ended over 7 years ago, with someone he ultimately wasn't compatible with.

I'd have been more upset if he'd said she was the love of his life or the most intelligent/ kindest / funniest/ most interesting women he'd ever been with or something like that.

Forget about it, he was daft to overshare that detail, I'm sure he realises that now, but it's very much in the past. (Unless you think he was trying to make you feel insecure or use that as leverage or you're not happy with your sex life - in which case address that)