"The sex was amazing"

[InLoveWithGermanFilmStar]

Been together 7 years. Both 60s, retired, children grown, grandchildren (him). We spend about 4 nights a week together, but have our own homes and neither of us wants to live together permanently or marry. We hang out, we travel quite a lot, get on great. It works for us.

Last Sunday we'd had a lovely day, cooked together, had quite a few drinks, and started chatting about exes.

His ex before me was 20 years younger. They were together about 18 months but she ended it because she wanted to get married and he didn't. He said "The sex was amazing ".

I can't get this out of my head. It's all I can think about, even though my rational side accepts that we all have pasts at our age. He can't understand why I'm so upset - doesn't think saying this is a big deal.

AIBU? How do I get past this?

He sounds a bit shallow Op and that would bother me far more than the sex chat. Some men are happy to be with a woman they love or just any women when the sex is good, that doesn't say much for his character. I'm glad you're in a casual arrangement Op, I'd keep it that way, he isn't a man you could rely on it

I couldn't be with a man who is that stupid, neggingly cruel, or game playing to up your bedroom performance for him.

Ditch.

You know, it never ceases to amaze me how bloody thick men are when it comes to women- and then they whine about how they dont understand them! Dont they realise that comments like this are an instant huge turn off? That would make me never want to have sex with him again tbh. It's like a woman bragging to her boyfriend that her ex was hung like a stallion and then wondering why he gets all pissy about it.

Either that or he's doing it deliberately to make you "try harder" in bed which is pathetic.

Either way it aint good- he's either really incredibly stupid or manipulative.

This. I imagine he was hoping you might want to know more details so you can attempt to match up. Bleurggh.

Some men really do have ten bob each way on themselves.

So what if the sex was great, he's not with her anymore, he's with you.

Haven't you had great sex with any ex's? Just ask him not to mention it again.

That would give me instant ick.

I don't care if exes are mentioned, and I don't mind hearing about certain details of their time together, but I draw the line over sex details. I don't care how good it was or how much you liked getting your dick wet, I don't want or need to know that kind of crap.

Ick, ick, ick.

This. Instant ick.
Men can be so strange.. letting details like that slip, in some misguided hope you'll step up your game to keep this "lothario".. when actually it's a total turn off.
Also the going for a woman 20 years younger is half the red flag to me.

I don't care if exes are mentioned, and I don't mind hearing about certain details of their time together, but I draw the line over sex details

Yep- exactly this. Dont mind you talking about them occasionally but hearing about your sex life with them?

Ewwwwwww no. Would give me the instant ick too.

So you "started chatting about exes". Hmm. Who chose to start that conversation?

🤣 i like that

It probably wasn't so amazing for her. And I bet she dumped him for some other reason, not BC she was desperate to be wed to him and he couldn't commit. Lol.
Just ignore it. Stuff like that is hurtful. Imagine a woman saying, :oh yeah, he had a massive cock and couldn't shag for any less than two hours. It was exhausting'. We just wouldn't, would we?

I agree with this

And I bet she dumped him for some other reason, not BC she was desperate to be wed to him and he couldn't commit. Lol.

hehe - this. Sorry, this sounds like utter BS to me- I bet she dumped him because she realised he was way too old for her and she'd end up being his carer in the future. You also only have his word for it that it was "amazing"- I bet her version may be slightly different 😆

^^ this , an ex is in the past, everyone has a history

Occasional talk about exes is fine because it is a part of your history and you shouldn't have to air brush but it really should not include sexual or intimate details and definitely no form of comparison. I wouldn't dream of saying to any current partner that I had fantastic sex with an ex. How can that be anything but hurtful?

This with bells on.
One man said I didn't do it with the same energy like in porn, when I said it was fake he said his ex did.
One man I was with told me I was the only one out of all the women he'd been with to not have a flat stomach.
I dumped him right then. No-one gets to neg me or compare me unfavourably. He will tries to get back in and can't understand why, and I think was shocked at my standards

Why’s it hurtful? Surely it can’t hurt to think your partner has had Amazing sex in his life, especially in their 60s. Christ you’d hope they had.

I mean sure no one wants to know about the detail, but to find it hurtful your partner once had great sex is extreme.

Youre just goading and being contrary.

I’m really not. As said no one wants to hear about it, but I’d certainly hope anyone I was with had had great sex, if they hadn’t I think there was something wrong.

Big difference between a vague "I've had some great sex in my time" and "You know Melissa, who left me? -the sex with her was AMAZING"

One is a general statement, the other is specific to the most recent ex whom he didnt choose to break up with- she left him. OP is probably now wondering if he is pining after her because she was specifically mentioned and singled out as being amazing.

It's nothing to do with wanting partners to have previous boring sex lives, it's the specific mentioning of that one ex and fear of comparisons/ him not being over her thats the issue here.

I'd say don't throw the baby out with the bath water OP.
It sounds as if, prior to this insensitive remark, you've had a pretty great relationship. She lasted 18 months and here you are still going years on...yes he's a dick and as sensitive as a brick in this case but tell him again how it's made you feel and move on.

That’s not quite what he said though did he.

OP said

They were together about 18 months but she ended it because she wanted to get married and he didn't. He said "The sex was amazing ".

So yes, thats what he said.

I had exceptional sex with one ex partner. I would never, ever tell a subsequent partner about this. Ever.

I am not surprised you are upset. I would be too. Its not a detail you need to know, its inevitable it will play on your mind and it just shows a basic lack of recognition or regard for your feelings.