"The sex was amazing"

[InLoveWithGermanFilmStar]

Been together 7 years. Both 60s, retired, children grown, grandchildren (him). We spend about 4 nights a week together, but have our own homes and neither of us wants to live together permanently or marry. We hang out, we travel quite a lot, get on great. It works for us.

Last Sunday we'd had a lovely day, cooked together, had quite a few drinks, and started chatting about exes.

His ex before me was 20 years younger. They were together about 18 months but she ended it because she wanted to get married and he didn't. He said "The sex was amazing ".

I can't get this out of my head. It's all I can think about, even though my rational side accepts that we all have pasts at our age. He can't understand why I'm so upset - doesn't think saying this is a big deal.

AIBU? How do I get past this?

@InLoveWithGermanFilmStar I’ve already posted but doing so again - I’m completely with @DWK123, @PlumSkies and @AltitudeCheck on this. Him having had amazing sex with her doesn’t mean he can’t have amazing sex with you - you’ve said you have a good time in bed with him. And whatever he had with her, he was willing to let her go rather than marry her. You’ve had what sounds like 7 good years together and you’re ready to throw that all away over a clumsy remark!? I mean - look at your username: supposing he saw that and took it to mean you’re in love with someone else and not him!

No-one’s perfect - we all make mistakes. How would you feel if he were willing to throw it all away because you made a clumsy comment?

I may have misread things. Perhaps there’s lots wrong in your relationship. Perhaps this comment was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Or perhaps you’re not that fussed about being with him anyway and are keen to move on. And most of the posters here have egged you on as if this one comment were something really terrible. But if none of that is the case, do you really want to throw away a good relationship with a man you love over a clumsy comment?

I think you should take a break and have some space.
It can't be unspoken and he will have to take responsibility for that.
You can decide if you wish to continue with someone so dim, and put it behind you, or seek out someone with a bit more cop on and class about them.
It is possible to talk about the past without big swinging statements of the best sex ever🙄.
The lack of emotional intelligence would definitely put me off.

Good to read you are not living together.
Ultimately, suit yourself in what you decide, but with wary goggles firmly on.

Haha This... People should definitely keep their past sexual details to themselves. Once said you can't retract and it certainly can mar things going forward. I think it's worth a conversation so your partner can see the level of hurt your feeling. To some extent you may feel never quite good enough! It's undermining and demeaning. Lying on the bed after sex one day my partner reached over and done an open hand stretch from her thumb to her little finger over my old fella and said! " hmm can't play a piano chord on that one, my ex was hung like a horse!" Suffice to say you don't get that image out of your head overnight 😆

I've been mostly happily married for years, but the best sex I ever had by miles was with my previous boyfriend. My DH of course will never know this.

We were together for two years before I met DH, but by that time the relationship was coming to a natural end as we actually didn't have that much in common.

He also wasn't nearly as good looking as my DH or as sporty - we were just extremely sexually compatible. That in itself though is not the basis for a long term relationship.

Your partner was incredibly tactless but I think you should move on now and let it go. If you love him I don't think this is worth splitting over.

Perfect response. He's also probably embellishing things and as to why she finished it too.

Personally I’d be looking to move on from this rather than end what seems a good relationship.

Ah OP I think you've handled this exceptionally well. You've brought it up in a mature civil manner and communicated your feelings clearly.

I dont think it's helpful when other posters say to just get over it, that might be ok for them, but it's clearly not for you. It really doesnt matter whether other people would be ok with it or not, you arent, and thats all that is important here. We all have our own boundaries when it comes to things like this and they will be different for everyone- neither is wrong, they're just different.

I guess now is the hard part- you have to make a decision what to do next. If it were me, I think I'd mentally give it a time limit as long as the relationship was otherwise good. Eg I'd attempt to put it in the past and move past it. If however, after say, three months, I still couldnt let it go and it was still bugging me then I think I would end it. I know exactly what you mean about it cant be unsaid now and you feel second best. At least if you have tried to let it go and given it a chance you wont then be kicking yourself down the line for impulsively ending it at a point where your emotions are heightened.

Ultimately, I think major decisions are best not made in moments of high emotion - let the feelings settle and then see how you feel afterwards. Its like that lovely quote from Oogway in Kung Fu panda: "Your mind is like this water, my friend. When it is agitated, it becomes difficult to see. But if you allow it to settle, the answer becomes clear."

Give it some time and then re-asses.

He's an insensitive fool.

You can twist yourself into a pretzel trying to accomodate that fact but ultimately he's a idiot and not to be relied upon.

Personally I'd be making some memoirs of memorable sex you've had, add into the mix the most caring partner you've ever known, leave them about, he'll read them and then he will permanantly have that thought of comparison and decficiency in his tiny little brain.

Maybe he'll up his game.

What an insensitive, unkind thing to say

I think a break is a good idea. He's not a keeper in my book. Take some time to think about why he would choose unkindness

Yuck. What's better muscle tone and no dc got to do with amazing sex?

This is terrible advice

2 wrongs don’t make a right, just one person had a made a stupid insensitive comment, this would make things worse with no benefit

" I know what you mean, I've had a man who was hung like a horse and it felt amazing, but we wanted different things and relationships are about more than just sex, aren't they?"