"The sex was amazing"

[InLoveWithGermanFilmStar]

Been together 7 years. Both 60s, retired, children grown, grandchildren (him). We spend about 4 nights a week together, but have our own homes and neither of us wants to live together permanently or marry. We hang out, we travel quite a lot, get on great. It works for us.

Last Sunday we'd had a lovely day, cooked together, had quite a few drinks, and started chatting about exes.

His ex before me was 20 years younger. They were together about 18 months but she ended it because she wanted to get married and he didn't. He said "The sex was amazing ".

I can't get this out of my head. It's all I can think about, even though my rational side accepts that we all have pasts at our age. He can't understand why I'm so upset - doesn't think saying this is a big deal.

AIBU? How do I get past this?

They are in their 60s, ex was 20 years younger and it was 7 years ago. So ex was probably mid 30s at the time. So equally likely to have had kids or not at her age, wouldn’t say presumably she didn’t have them at that age.

As a pp said, a relationship is more than just sex. I once had amazing sex with a guy I went on three dates with, but everything else wasn’t worth a fourth date. Did you ask if he’d also had amazing sex with you? I’d also feel a bit sad if my partner said this but my rational brain would kick in saying they were over in the blink of an eye and you’ve been together 7 years so he clearly loves you more

It was thoughtless and insensitive for him to tell you that, possibly a few drinks loosened his tongue and his inhibitions so it slipped out.

But does it really matter? It's in the past, you've been together 7 years, he loves you, you're happy! Presumably you've had great sex with other people in the past? Sex doesn't make a great relationship and ultimately they were incompatible, great sex or not!

Let it go OP. You have a good relationship so don't ruin it obsessing about a thoughtless passing comment. Just don't do the chatting about exes again! Leave the past in the past.

Oof. I think I'd be tempted to say something like "amazing?- REALLY?" in disbelief and act incredulous about it and then when he said yes, why? I'd avert my eyes and say "oh, um...never mind".

Let him stew on that. Idiot.

Even if it was he's a total moron to say it to your face.

I don’t think the problem is what he said so much as his reaction afterwards.

It was ostensibly a thoughtless thing to say after a few drinks.

However if it had just been thoughtless surely he would then apologise once he realised he had hurt your feelings rather than minimising it and saying it’s no big deal and can’t understand why your upset.

I would worry that this was deliberate negging

What stands out to me here is not that he blurted out something insensitive accidentally (we can all do that on occasion) but his reaction to you being hurt by it. Telling you bluntly its "not a big deal" is a shit way to respond to your partner being hurt.

Think of all the things he could have said- "I dont know why I said that, sorry- I love you and love having sex with you!", or "yes it was amazing, but our connection is much deeper which makes sex way better" or "that doesnt mean I dont love having sex with you, I do" etc

The fact he "cant understand" and "its not a big deal" shows a complete lack of care for your feelings and THAT is what would indicate to me that he's a shithead, not the fact he used to have great sex with someone else.

I would really think about this and observe his behaviour going forward, if this represents a pattern of behaviour from him of him minimising your feelings then I would definitely think about ending it.

Oh who cares OP? Why would you still be worrying about how well able you are to please a man? Surely to goodness its time to focus on how well he pleases you? If he enjoyed sex with someone else, good for him. The most important thing is whether or not he's capable of making sex enjoyable for you. He's not the sharpest tool in the shed or the most sensitive if he thinks that's sort of comment is a good idea, so I hope for your sake he's still capable of that at least.

More like she did want to get married, but not to him.

The annoying thing is he’s actually not great in bed….and he knows it 😬. I won’t be going out my way to please him. I’m not sure why she was so amazing and I don’t really want to know, he’s already shared too much, the same as OP’s DP and that’s enough to give me the ick.

Yes, exactly. Two people (or more for threesomes or orgies?) are needed to make sex ‘amazing’ — is he a decent, imaginative, unselfish lover with you? Is he interested in your pleasure?

Because it's really insensitive and didn't need to be said.

There is more to life than both 😁

That sort of stuff really hurts and he's a twat to have said it. Dp knows an outline version of my past but there's no way on earth I would regale him with the specific amazingness of any of my past partners. That's because I love him and want him to be happy and to protect our sexual and romantic connection. And because the true fact that person X was the first person to make me orgasm and person Y had an enormous penis and was very good at oral sex has precisely 0 too with my life with him.

Ultimately you have to weigh up whether this particular moment of arrogant stupidity outweighs the rest of the relationship. Was there a reason in that moment that he was lashing out at you? Had you shared something that hurt him? It's still not OK but it might put it into context.

It's the sort of thing that might make me wonder whether to stay with a person. I'm in my 50s, and my tolerance for crap in my life is veeeeery thin.

Because it’s not nice to hear… ! why tell your current partner that…? it’s superfluous.

This is spot on. Its exactly why they do it. And when they start to feel a bit insecure about their own performance they do it all the more. They get to an age where they need more effort on the part of a woman before they can manage it, and think you'll get competitive and work hard. They also want to give you the idea that anything below parr is a you thing, because they were great with someone else.

Don't ruin a great relationship because of this comment, you would be cutting off your nose to spite your face.

Yeah, I also wonder if in his 60s he is heading towards needing viagra and it's making him feel very insecure about it, so he is reminiscing about a time when it was "easier" in that sense. Men do get very insecure about this so to me, it seems a way of bolstering the ego.

Obviously, trying to make you feel jealous pr he wouldn't say a word about it. He gives me Richard from MAFS vibes. At 60, he sounds rather pathetic.

So many red flags here. LTB.

🚩 I think he knew what he was doing by telling you. He thinks you'll always do whatever now to try to please him and to be better than his ex. Of course, now he's making out it's no big deal and doesn't understand why you're upset. He's not a good man OP.

I'd also be put off that he dated someone a lot younger.

I don't think you should try to get past it, I think you should get rid of him.

I think many of us have had relationships where the sex was great but the potential for a proper, deeper relationship wasn’t there. I had one like that that lasted for two years with someone who was older than me.

However op, I think that comment, even if it was just a throw away line, betrays several things about him and none of them are positive:

First and foremost that his judgement is off, and that he is tactless, and didn’t consider your feelings.

Second that his ego and need to show off, in his mind, trumped any potential insecurity that it might cause you.

Third, that this much younger woman obviously thought he was potential marriage material, even though he wasn’t looking for that, so he is quite possibly dishonest too.

Fourth, he is possibly not very bright or perceptive.

I think I would have been tempted in that moment to ask him very calmly, but with a hint of steel in my voice, what he thought exactly I was meant to do with that information?

~praise him for being a stud?
~feel jealous of this younger woman’s talent at sex?
~or feel insecure about my older body?

And hopefully he would feel like a tit, but in reality, any conversation like that would probably fly over his head.

I think you need to discuss this with him op. If he offers a sincere apology and tries to genuinely understand why you are upset, then fair enough. But if he doubles down and couldn’t care less, I would be giving your relationship serious consideration.

I totally get this OP. I was dating a guy years ago who described an ex as “one of those incredibly beautiful women” and I felt so second best. I went off him after that!

If he's in his 60s I doubt he is himself that amazing in that department!

unnecessary and tactless over share. I would be feeling it was intentional to get get me to up my game!