Sex problems. It might be over.

[BurnerAccount123]

I've been with DH for over 10 years and we have 2 children. Since children, my sex drive has nose dived. I'm very much an introvert and have struggled a lot with the lack of alone time and people touching me all the time. Sex is just yet more of someone pawing at me.
We probably have sex on average once a week, I'd be happy with less and this is a compromise. He would like a lot more. I've explained that I don't have much of a sex drive at the moment but he doesn't get it. He thinks if I loved him and was attracted to him I would desire him.
That's the background.

Last night he caught me masturbating and he is absolutely furious, properly LIVID. He was shouting in my face that I'm a liar and that we are done. He thinks this proves that I do in fact have a normal sex drive, i just don't want him. To me masturbating and sex are not the same thing. Wanting a bit of a dopamine hit and stress relief does not mean that I wanted to have sex. Touching myself is not comparable to being touched by someone else.

He didn't give me the opportunity to talk to him last night and he will be blanking me today. We won't get chance to talk until the children are in bed. I don't know how to make him understand. Last night he was very adamant that he has had it with me now. I just can't believe that this might be the thing that breaks up our family.

Would you both be open to seeking counselling about this?

I would also say that if he doesn't do his share with the kids and/or acts like a manbaby, that will kill your sex drive pretty quickly.

Your dh is massively overreacting.
Can you say to him when you are ready to listen, I’m ready to talk.
Does he never, ever masturbate?
I completely get it op although I think a lot of men still don’t understand how women orgasm.
If he refuses to listen then he really isn’t that interested in you or your desires, just his own satisfaction.

Firstly, any man who thinking shouting and then blanking you is appropriate is an idiot. How does he think either will help?

If you see sex as someone pawing you, then he isn't doing enough to make you desire him. And I don't mean foreplay. I mean allowing you time to relax and de-stress. Taking on more of the load. Making sure you get enough sleep. Making you feel desirable and sexy.

Sex once a week is fairly normal I suspect, for busy parents with two children. And absolutely nothing is a greater turnoff than a man whining about not getting enough sex.

YANBU. He is behaving like a complete shit. You aren't a machine to satisfy his physical wants.

Are you sure you don't want rid of him !!

I totally understand what you mean. However Id this was a man writing that had been refusing wife sex then caught wanking I think the replies would be mostly leave the bastard !!

This isn't the thing that might end your relationship. Ignoring the issue is what will do it. If both people arent happy and both arent getting their needs fulfilled by the relationship, then it is not a good relationship. It is clear that he is not happy.

If it's not too late, you can try couple's counselling to 1. help him understand that this is just a temporary change due to exhaustion/overwhelm (if it is). 2. to see if there are things he could be doing to help you not be so exhausted/overwhelmed. 3. to help you both communicate better and not ignore issues.

If this is not a temporary change and he can't accept it, then hopefully you'll both have developed the understanding and skills to be able to co-parent apart.

I lived with this but the other way round for years. It felt like a betrayal and a rejection that he couldn't have sex with me but would masturbate regularly alone.
Our marriage was doomed.

It's over because he shouted in your face, at least it would be over for me at that point. Fuck that.

@surlycurly but the op is right, sex and masturbation are different.

Reverse the genders and think what would you reply If this was a man doing this.

it’s horrible OP. I fully understand your husband’s frustration. You obviously have sex drive just not for him. I’m sorry but I am with him on this one. Have been there and tbh If ammy partner ever did this to me again I would cheat on him in a heartbeat. Depriving someone of sex when you have desirr is abusive.

Having sex once a week is not being "deprived of sex"!

And shouting in your partner's face is not going to make them want to have sex with you.

What on earth are you talking about? Utter nonsense. Having a sly wank is nothing like the physical effort required to have sex with another person. If you can’t see that you’re being ridiculous.

Abusive?! But shouting in her face is fine though?

Why not just agree with him that it's over? He can tell his family he dumped you because you had a wank. See how supportive they are..

Tbh I am the calmest person on the planet. When I found out my husband was cheating after 3 years of se less marriage It was 3WW. I shouted at him like never before in my life. And you know what? I m glad I did. It was so healing.

If it was reversed and I caught dp having had him ignore me I would be cross too, not shouting, not my style, but angry inside. I think you need help to reconnect

i think you missed the point, he is not against masturbation, he is upset as she doesn’t wish to have sex with him but masterbates, showing she does have a sex drive she just doesn’t wish sex with him.

That’s not why he’s ending it, he’s ending it as she doesn’t wish intimacy with him, she’d rather masturbate than be with him.

This gets better and better.
Shes not cheating so it’s not the same situation

It’s sad that he doesn’t understand you after 10 years together - that you’re an introvert and struggle with having children pawing at you all the time which I do understand. And to make someone feel guilty about masturbation ( rather than a porn addiction) is not right either. It is completely different to having the mental energy for sex with another person.

Obviously you need to talk to your husband and try to make him understand. But if he lacks the empathy to do so, it doesn’t look good for your marriage unfortunately.

Sex and masturbation are completely separate. Masturbation is internal quick and little touching elsewhere. Literally an everyday activity here.

Sex means engaging with someone and if already touched out isn't likely to achieve orgasm.

He shouted because he was shocked, hurt and upset. Not saying he was right to do that but emotions got the better of him

Masturbation and sex obviously feel like 2 very different things to you, but that is probably not the case with him

He is missing sex and will have felt massive rejection because you had sex with yourself and not him

What he needs to understand is that you did that because you were in control of what was happening and you like how you treat you

Can you come back from it? - depends if you are both willing to talk and have some counselling

It's definitely been the catalyst for you to have to address the bigger issues

He shouldn't have shouted in your face. Its just not acceptable whatever the reason.

I'm not sure whether most men understand the concept of 'touched out' - meanwhile most mothers are more than familiar with it. I just did a Google search and there are tons of links about mothers and being touched out. If he's willing to talk after he's calmed down Maybe send him some links.

If you, like most mums, do most of the caring for the dc, and he wants to help solve this, he needs to take on more of that. I can't see another way to get past it.

You are not being unreasonable op.

Having sex once a week with small children isn't depriving him

Him shouting in your face and stonewalling you isn't ok

Not having sex with someone you don’t want to have sex with is most definitely NOT abusive. Jesus.